the dark wave

Update / Rant

I’ve posted a lot about heartache on here, but it’s unfortunately become my life lately and it helps to write it out. Even when there are days I think I am getting better, the next day seems like the worst. I haven’t cared about my appearance, I’m tired ALL the time, and there are days that I wallow because I know I have slacked off in my classes and I exile myself to my room to try and summon up the will to get shit done and with all that pressure on myself, I just end up staring at my phone all day. I know I need to get my head in the game. I KNOW I’m not as weak as all this. But it’s this huge wave of darkness fighting against me and I feel helpless. I wish I could control this terrible lack of ambition and get my happy self back. I am fighting against it all. 

This guy has pulled me into his hell and shared all his demons with me. They are now in my life and that is literally all I ever received from him. All the simple, sweet gestures I bestowed upon him, all the long-suffering I managed to maintain in order to be gracious for his timeline and way of dealing with things, everything was such a waste of MY time, that I’m sick he is still affecting my life not even being in it. 

He still jerks me around. I reached out to him for the first time in awhile under the influence, and he got back to me to offer lunch. I said I guess so, knowing it wasn’t a great idea. A couple days later, I tell him when I can do lunch on account of my school and (trying to be) social schedule this week and he won’t respond. This is how it has always been. He takes a half day later to come around and make me feel crazy for thinking he could have just replied with a simple yes or nah. He offered lunch. And he ignores me when I tell him when I am available for it?! Yes this is how it has always been. He said he wanted to be there for me like I was for him. I’m not begging for a friendship. But he dangles any version of life with me, only to take it away.

If you’ve continued to read this nonsense by now, I ask for prayers of peace. Prayers and well wishes to move on and become whole again. You are probably wondering why I would like a guy like that. Point blank - he reminded me of home. On the rare occasion it was good, it felt like being with my family. And family is everything to me. I was so attracted to him, his humor, and thought we had a real connection. He told me pretty words that held no substance. He told me he was vulnerable with me where he isn’t with anyone else. That I was the best person he knew. That he would try to fix himself and could use my help and be blessed by my friendship when he ended it TWICE. He kept making me think things would be different. He still does. Until now that he has finally decided to ignore me I guess. It’s hard seeing everything you want in a mate, knowing it seems as if you are meant to be with one another, and then realizing how they aren’t ready and don’t know what they want and are just too messed up for you at this time. 

I don’t want to put anymore time into it though. It’s toxic and nothing will ever matter like that of my own happiness. So I just hope I can get that back. Hope is all I have left.