the cruciferous vegetable amplification

Whatcha doin' there?

Leonard: Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?

Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: Haha. What I’m doin is trying to determine when I’m going to die.

Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?

Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.

Leonard: Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?

Sheldon: Killed By Badger.

Leonard: How’s that?

Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.

Leonard: I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.

Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?

Leonard: You can always get a badger and find out.

Sheldon: Haha.

Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.

Leonard: That long, huh?

Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. 

Sheldon: I need to get here.

Leonard: What’s there?

Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.

Leonard: So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?

Sheldon: By this much.

Leonard: Tough break. You want eggs?

Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.

Leonard: What’s a dogapus?

Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.

Leonard: Is somebody working on that?

Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.

Leonard: Wait a minute. You hate dogs.

Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.


Sheldon-bot: … Penny.
  *Bang* Penny. 
  *Bang* Penny.

Penny: What up, Shel-bot?

Sheldon-bot: I can’t get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.

Penny: What do you want me to do?

Sheldon-bot: Sing me Soft Kitty.

Penny: Really, you want me to sing Soft Kitty to a computer monitor?

Sheldon-bot: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?

Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

Sheldon-bot: Closer to the microphone.

Penny: Happy kitty, sleepy…

Sheldon-bot: No. You have to start over.

Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

Penny: Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.