the crazy hour is upon us

The Sims 4: New Game Patch (May 25th, 2017)

Update: 05/25/2017 – PC Version / Mac Version

Hello Simmers,

Welcome to the base game release for Parenthood! Which is all about those quiet family moments. Taking time to enjoy when things settle down. When all becomes quiet, and you can just take it all in, reflecting upon life…, wait sorry. That’s like 20-30 years after parenthood begins (results may vary).

I meant to say, this is a hectic time. A time of crazy, noise filled chaos, where the concept of quiet exists for only 3 hours between 2 and 5 am. And where tension is worn like a badge of honor! So wear yours with pride, and let’s start with just a little bit of what’s new in this release…

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Inhuman Part One

Originally posted by coldbloodedexosquirrel

Parts: One, Two, Three, Four, Five

Genre: A/U, Angst, Violence, Fluff, Romance, more in the future.

Pairing: Yixing x Reader (There isn’t enough out there dammit.)

Word Count: 4.5k

Summary: Inhumans are people born with powers, feared by most all over the world. Inhumans are often killed before the age of three or kept locked up and tested on. EXO is a rogue group of Inhumans who broke free and are now looking to free fellow Inhumans as well as get justice for their kind. However, with their powers come limitations. With these limitations, they sometimes need a helping hand.

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Brilliantly Mad or Madly Brilliant? (Probably Neither)

Pre Content Note: Once upon a time, I wrote every day… for hours. Writing was the only thing that brought me emotional relief. Thanks to my struggles with addiction and co-dependency, I stopped writing for years. This is the first time I have written my thoughts and put them into the great unknown of the interwebs in over ten years. Please bear with me as I re-adjust to self expression. 

Brilliantly Mad or Madly Brilliant?

(Probably Neither)

Content Note (it seems like everything has a content note now): I use the word crazy, mad, insane, etc. a lot in here. I can use those words, because I wear them with a badge of honor now. YOU cannot call me those words because most likely I will revert to old behaviors and kick you with my steel toed boot. There are a few people who CAN call me those words, because they’re my crazy-soul sisters, and well, apparently the pot CAN call the kettle black. It’s like the word bitch, but we’ll save that for another time.

My wonderful fiance just got back from food shopping about an hour ago (he is someone I once would have avoided due to him seemingly being perfectly normal [and also not being a slightly emotionally abusive a-hole who makes my life worse rather than better]). Anyway, my seemingly normal, wonderful fiance went grocery shopping, paid for all the food he will end up cooking for us this week (because I once dated one of those above mentioned emotionally abusive a-holes who I cooked for constantly and he wouldn’t so much as make me toast. I now have a severe resistance to cooking for everyone, which has lead to a general distaste for cooking at all, including myself) and then went in the bathroom after lugging all the food into the kitchen. Being the “helpful” type (and mostly recognizing how little I actual fucking contribute to this household), I put my book down, went in the kitchen, and started to put the groceries away. I did that for about five minutes until I spied a bag of apples and immediately had a flash of frustration, leading to anger, leading to shame/guilt, which resulted in me screaming “FUCK” at the top of my lungs and prompting beginning to cry.

This seemingly innocent bag of apples, bought most likely because earlier in the day I mentioned wanting to try and eat healthier, sent me into a tailspin as we already have a bag of uneaten apples in the fridge and WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BUY A BAG OF APPLES WHEN WE ALREADY HAVE A BAG OF APPLES?! Mostly likely because when it falls on you to do all the food shopping and cooking, and your fiance mentioned wanting to eat healthier, you tried to provide something healthy for all, and nice for me, and didn’t have time to check to see if we already had apples because you dropped me off at home so I wouldn’t have to go food shopping.

So this bag of apples sends me into a spiral because I got frustrated and angry over already having apples when I suddenly realized I was being ungrateful (which translates in my mind to selfish, pathetic, lazy bitch). Focus on the mind translation. I pretty much tell myself everyday some sort of hateful put down, and in the moment of this put down, I became so overwhelmed that I ran into the bedroom to hide.

Well hey, at least I tried right? Well, no because trying in my mind is not good enough, but more on that at another time.

I have Bipolar II Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder with panic, possibly ADD, and a few other diagnoses I’d rather keep to myself right now (because if I post this and my family reads it the shame bell will start tolling after me like a naked Cersei in Game of Thrones, and I’d rather not have human waste and, ironically, apples thrown at me, while I stroll down the back alleys of my mind naked). Things that are routine for most people can be extremely difficult for me. Things like putting the goddamned groceries away, or answering your phone when someone you love is on the line, or taking in the mail (although I assume most people don’t really go through their mail the day it comes anyway, SHAME!), or enjoying free time, or making the most out of free time, or… well you get the point.

Recently I finished reading the book Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson (aka The Blogess) which my best friend sent me last year after a particularly difficult time that I won’t write about on here because again, family and that shame bell. Furiously Happy is basically a memoir about a woman with several mental health diagnoses telling funny stories about all the nonsensical things she has done. Cute, harmless nonsensical things, like having taxidermied racoons and other animals that she dresses up or uses to scare people. It’s a good book, funny and troubling at once, but I’m not here to review her book, you can do that through a simple Google search. I’m here to say WHY THE FUCK CAN’T I BE ONE OF THOSE BRILLIANTLY GIFTED MAD PEOPLE?! You know, the ones who are either as bat shit crazy as I am, or more so, but TALENTED (please don’t go proceed to tell me my talents, your attempts at making me feel better about myself only make me feel worse, plus I’m not looking for compliments or validation).

A running joke between my friend who bought me the book and I is a simple fact that we both have mental health struggles but don’t have any of the perks that some forms of mental illness can bring. Example: I have Bipolar II (which is a lesser form of Bipolar I that pretty much means I don’t get manic and start seeing or hearing things and might be a possible danger to myself or others) that is most likely caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain (along with some shit experiences growing up) that makes my mood cycle between depression and hypomania. Depression and hypomania are different for everyone. Some people have the type of hypomania where they can go to sleep later than usual and still feel refreshed in the morning, make a list of all the things they want to get done and then go do them, skip meals, skip coffee, and after doing all the things on their list clean the whole fucking house until it sparkles, and eventually tiredness kicks in. This can go on for days or weeks until the crash, when the depression starts. Or maybe if you’re lucky there will be a lull in the storm and you’ll have a few weeks or months of feeling balanced.

My hypomania is different. I would LOVE to have the above type of hypomania where I make up for all my lost time being depressed: run a half marathon, start writing a book, join an activist group and fight for change, organize the apartment, and feel JUST SO FUCKING GREAT ABOUT MYSELF AND MY LIFE BEFORE THE DEPRESSION KICKS IN! Alas, no. My hypomania goes like this: my depression lifts (yay!), I feel fine for a while before anxiety kicks in (Shit, I say to myself because I know the hypomania is next), now here it is and I’m irritated, restless, can’t sleep but always tired, unable to concentrate, easily overwhelmed, crawling out of my skin feeling like my brain is going to explode until I end up crying to one of the few people who understand my kinda crazy or go hide in my bed, make myself meditate and hope I can take a nap (for you pesky mental health professionals out there reading this shaking your head saying “Sleeping during the day is avoidance,” you can just stop your tsk-tsking because most likely you don’t have a mental health struggle, or if you do it’s one that isn’t complex and is easily mended with a pill or two, exercise and a healthy diet [oh yeah, and fuck you because not all of us are that lucky]). When my hypomania kicks, it feels like the only thing that will save me from my brain and my thoughts is laying in bed not moving at all, forcing myself to listen to some bland YouTube meditation, and nap. But I digress, back to my main complaint:

Why is it that I can’t have that Beautiful Mind type of crazy? Or the Van Gough type of crazy (I’d give up an ear any day for his mad [no pun intended, but maybe it will give one of you a laugh] painting skills)? Or the Syd Barrett type of crazy where I start one of the best fucking bands of all time (but then get kicked out because I’m a little too crazy for my normiebandmates [sorry, Roger Waters, I love you but you’re also kind of a dick])? Or my favorite, the Dr. Marsha Linehan type of crazy who went on to develop a totally new type of therapy and is a world renowned psychologist?

Enough of the “why”, I’m starting to just sound whiny and complainy (which isn’t a word but whatever). My point is, there are many of us who don’t have that brilliantly gifted types of madness that we would do almost anything to possess. There’s the brilliantly mad, the mad, and then the space-ships-are-coming-to-eat-my-ear-wax mad. I’m just mad… and that makes me mad (and resentful and a slew of other emotions I won’t bother acknowledging because there’s no point in it). So many of us fall into that “high functioning mentally ill” label that no one has time for, cares about, or understands. You have to be on one end of the spectrum or the other for people to actually give a fuck about your experiences. Then their concern is either, “my, my, that one really should be looked after” or “my, my, that one is bonkers but he composes a damn good sonata”.

“High functioning mentally ill”. Well, fuck. The only ones who understand it are the ones who are labelled with it. We have our diagnoses, we see our therapists or psychiatrists, and we get to work and school on time because no one wants to hear “my depression is really bad right now and I can’t sleep very well except it the morning”. Because grit. Because we shouldn’t use our illness as an “excuse”. Because we need to “power through it”. Because we need to “look on the bright side, so many people have it worse than you” (reality is subjective, people! Do we still need to be saying this??). Look- work, school, and society all has its demands, some reasonable, some not, and most of us are expected to fulfill those demands (more on that too at another time), but what happens to us when that “high functioning mental illness” suddenly becomes semi-functioning? Or worse, the secret dread we all carry: low functioning.

American culture and society doesn’t have a place for that. Most people like to ignore the mad part of us and focus on the functioning part of us. Then when we aren’t functioning as they expect, we either aren’t trying hard enough, are deemed unfit to complete our job successfully (BOOM! FIRED!), or looked at as some kind of failure for not keeping our crazy under control. This only serves to make us feel more ashamed of our struggles, worsening our symptoms, becoming riddled with guilt for not being able to overcome these struggles (as if we broke a bone and failed to go to physical therapy and now can’t walk), and circles back to my original idea of wishing we could be brilliantly mad or madly brilliant. For me this ends up with isolating myself from embarrassment and increased anxiety, or trying to slap and smile on my face, work extra hard, and end up dizzy at the end of the day because I have no spoons left (if you haven’t heard of Spoon Theory, look it up). That’s followed by many a sleepless night (sorry, Bernie) until the sun comes up and I do it all over again. Eventually either of the two options leave me more depressed than ever and wishing it would all just go away (I can’t say wishing I would die because again.. SHAME!).

I don’t know what the point of writing any of this was. I don’t know if any of it makes sense. I may share it with a couple of the very few amount of people I trust who just intuitively get my kind of crazy. I might go ahead and post it somewhere. I might, may, possibly, keep writing about some of these themes, because, why not? Writing has saved my life in the past, and writing isn’t something I’ve felt inspired enough to do in a long time.


Things to write about next:

Beautiful Intelligent Tough Capable Human (aka BITCH)


Crazies Prefer Cats

Professional Crazies Helping Other Crazies and Why We Kick Ass at Doing it

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy” and Other Frowned Upon Coping Skills


Why My Bar is so High and Yours is so Low (aka FUCK OFF)


The Hours are upon us, as we race to the finish line of Amonkhet’s story. Spoilers, as usual. Let’s dig in!

- Samut is on the run; somehow escaping from the mob when we first met her.

- Turns out yelling like a crazy person is -not- the way to swing people to your side. Hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it, Samut?

- One wonders how she convinced a devout guy like Djeru to disguise himself as one of the Anointed, but whatever.

- Poor choice of words leads to a shouting match between the two.

- Show don’t tell, Samut. If you had brought Djeru to the Trespasser monoliths, he might be somewhat open to the idea.

- But clearly Samut doesn’t want her childhood friend and potential love interest to die in some gladiatorial death match.

- Her protests don’t work, and she decides that there’s only one other person to talk to.

- Clifford the Big Red God.

- Samut meets with Hazoret, who I guess has a fondness for entertaining guests. Y’know, before stabbing them.

- “I know shit, Clifford.”

- “Bitch, do you really?”

- *defeated*

- She’s taken to those sarcophagi with their hands carved out. Weird design choice, but okay.

- Samut chats with the other dissenters, reinstating that she needs to save Djeru, so she can convince him to live and possibly jump his bones later.

- I may be ad-libbing that second part.

- No time for that though, as Samut and the dissenters are promptly rescued…

- By mutha-fuckin’ Team Julaar ya’ll! Hell yeah.

- “A red-haired woman, and a tall sturdy man.” Continuing the theme of everyone finding Gideon attractive.

- The rest of the Gatewatch assembles, and inform Samut of who Nicol Bolas is, and that he’s a giant dickwaffle.

- Liliana decides that this is the best time to tell everyone about Razaketh.

- Okay, so my suggestion of simply talking to one another wasn’t the best idea! Sue me!

- Dick jokes at Jace’s expense. I’m in awe.

- I can’t wait to hear Chandra say jackass in the audio drama.

- Samut, the teenager, puts these 30-something’s in their place.

- And then the Gods show up.

- It’s time for the Trial of Zeal; because fuck Strength and Solidarity. And fuck Rhonas too it seems. Dude got a passing mention when we met Hapatra, and isn’t even acknowledged here.

- If you didn’t play MTG, and only read the story, you wouldn’t even know what Rhonas looked like! Bad writing!

- Anyway, Hazoret casts Mass Mutiny on everyone and tell them to butcher the hell out of one another.

- And then the funniest thing in the world happens, as Nissa pitches Jace into one of the initiates, while frothing and screaming like she was Gruul coloured instead of Simic.

- So Gruulfriends confirmed, I guess?

- I laughed my ass off.

- But I guess her sabotaging of Kefnet didn’t amount to much. Or maybe that tree will bear fruit later in HoD.

- Imagining Liliana physically fighting someone was pretty enjoyable too.

- Gideon’s magic is stifled, either because he’s partially mind controlled, or for the same reason the rest of the Gatewatch can’t cast spells.

- Either way, Djeru manages to actually cause bodily harm to Gideon!

- Samut and Djeru kinda reenact that scene from Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Y’know the one.

- Kiss each other you fools!

- Naw, we get a tearful farewell, as Djeru approaches Hazoret to be stabbed into the infinite.

- But our resident Beefslab comes in for the save, as Samut tackles Djeru out of the way.

- Djeru is, naturally, rather upset.

- The Hour of Devastation has finally arrived however, as the Gods, save Hazoret, move towards Bolas’ horns.

- Gonna need a ship name for Samut and Djeru ya’ll. Get on that.

- Hey who turned out the lights?

- The Gatewatch silently agree never to speak of this moment again, and head for the exit, intent on messing with Nicol Bolas’ steeze.

- Gideon stays behind as Hazoret’s spooky parting words echo in his head.

How my Chinese teacher and I spent an hour describing how beautiful Tom Hiddleston is!

So today I attended Chinese class and upon reading my teacher my homework of “Describe A Friend”, she spent the first 2 mins straight up laughing at the nature of the story of how I answered a fellow Hiddlestoner’s fangirl cry on Tumblr leading to us becoming friends and spamming each other full of Tom related stuff daily! (As you do lol).

Then, after she finished wiping the tears from her eyes and taking a bunch of pictures of my work (most likely to show her friends how crazy I am) she told me the last 4 characters of the last sentence, “Pin Mao Jun Qiao” actually means young pretty boys, like Japanese or Korean Popstars (and not even close to verging on sexy perfect charming Tom).

So as she tried to think of the perfect word to describe him, we managed to get through ALL the entire possibilities PLUS her taking the time to explain all of them to me with relevant examples, which took over an hour before we could come to a conclusion! THAT and probably because I had managed to show her every GODDAMN pic of Tom possible on the internet! (leading to myself giggling like a 5 yr old and her getting a stitch in her stomach).

Finally we went with, “Feng Liu Ti Tang” (an intelligent, charming man who isn’t afraid to think outside the box and because of his charming nature has probably dated/has a bunch of people constantly interested in him) - Rather fitting I would say ♡ 

‘Supernatural Convention’

Dean hated the fact that he was here. He hated that he was dressed in a leather jacket with a fake ‘samulet’ around his neck and a stupid container of salt in his hand. He hated that Sam had talked him into this. He hated even more how at home he felt.

The fifth annual Supernatural convention was bustling around him. Everywhere he looked he could see someone dressed as someone he used to know. It should’ve made him feel weird, but all he could do was smile and relive some old memories. His favorite so far was a young man who was dressed as Jo, it made his heart soar to think that someone who really loved the character could take the time to recreate that person.

Sam had lured him here under the impression that there was a hunt. But instead it seemed that Sam signed them up for a panel. Dean was livid about having to speak in front of people, especially pretending to be some random guy acting as ‘Dean Winchester’. It made his head hurt but he was still here, still walking toward the room where he would be speaking.

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Unanticipated Feelings 

The photo above depicts the feeling I expected to have upon handing in my dissertation: pure, unadulterated, but moreover crazy happiness. 

This is not what happened. 

On Monday, I handed in my dissertation, went to lunch, and spaced out for quite a long period of time. The brain was fuzzy, unresponsive to the simplest of questions; I felt, and thought, absolutely nothing. 

As a collective group, those of us who study English here at Girton were, in anticipation of the day, planning how crazy the afternoon/night of Monday was going to be. In reality, I was in bed by 10pm, and had been falling asleep hours before this. 

I woke up on Tuesday feeling quite empty, but also feeling like I needed to completely cleanse myself and my room, so I went to the gym, had a ‘pamper’ day and cleaned my room thoroughly. But the strange, inexplicable feeling connected to my dissertation hand-in still prevailed. I couldn’t, and still can’t, quite put a word to it (believe me, I’ve searched). 

I had worked for months towards constructing this 7440-word piece of very personal, dense writing. And yet, in the days preceding hand-in, I couldn’t quite believe I had completed that thing we call a ‘dissertation.’ It had seemed like that great culmination of my degree when I was in first and second year, distant from the act, but this year the work had just become part of everything else I was doing. I didn’t really realise that what was on my computer screen, in front of my eyes, was 20% of my degree - straight up. I didn’t realise I had completed a ‘dissertation,’ something I used to connect with people who were insanely smart and mature. 

Part of me wishes I had realised this earlier, instead of realising just after hand-in, as this ultimately left me with what can only be compared to existentialism. I was just - there. And that feeling prevailed for quite a few days after hand-in. 

But with the looming exams, I have had to try to snap out of this, and snap back into work-mode. I have less than 4 weeks until my exams start, and a lot of work to do in the mean-time. Life has still been, and still will be, fun this term (post to follow), but the focus needs to be there. The existentialism fades, along with the date of my dissertation hand-in, as I have a purpose in life: exams. 

- Sarah 

Save Me - Part 2 - Chapter 12

I’m not sure if I should be embarrassed or not that such a seemingly small gesture was enough to make my panties wet but that’s exactly what happened. I craved his dominance with every fiber of my being and he knew that. Just as he craved my submission…or at least I hoped that was the case.

We stood there for another moment with my breath caught in my throat before he released his hold. I could feel his arm against my ass when he reached down to adjust himself as we watched Shannon and Tomo walk off stage and the lights go out. I couldn’t help but smile to myself knowing that he was as turned on as I was. I’ve never been in a relationship where we both played off each other like that and I must say it brings you to a different level of attraction that is truly all encompassing.

As soon as the lights were reset, Jared walked back on stage, his acoustic guitar already in hand. I love watching him perform but now that I was so turned on again, I couldn’t wait to have him to myself in the privacy of our hotel room.

The acoustic set wasn’t all that long though and before I knew it, the show was just about over. I was still watching at the side of the stage as Shannon and Tomo started playing Pantera while Jared was bringing people up on stage for ‘Kings and Queens".

Although I thought Emma would be able to hang out with me, she ended up being very busy. I saw her fly by here and there with a wave but that was about it. I must say, it amazes me how much that woman does. She works harder than any assistant I’ve ever seen.

“Don’t you ever catch a break?” I laughed as Emma walked up to me.

She rolled her eyes, “Come on, it’s Jared we’re talking about! He’s non-stop all the time. The only break I got was when he was in Chicago with you!”

That made me laugh. Chicago was so incredible and what made it even more amazing thinking about it now is that he truly made spending time with me his priority that week. He worked but not very much and from the sound of it, he doesn’t do that very often…if ever. Emma acknowledging that made me feel all the more special.

“He’s a workaholic, that’s for sure.” I said smiling as I looked towards him out on stage running around like a maniac, “I’m happy to help give you a break anytime!”

“Well, I appreciate that! He’s already changed a few things around so he has more free time while your here.” Emma said with a smile.

“I’m good with whatever. I’m just happy to be here.” I said.

“Oh! I might have forgotten to mention this but I had your luggage delivered to the hotel, so don’t worry about that.” Emma said.

“Okay, great, thank you! I completely forgot about that.” I said.

I was so consumed with how I was getting here I didn’t even think to ask what was going to happen once I made it. To be honest, right now, I have absolutely no idea what the plans are for my time on tour or even what hotel we’re going to tonight which is kinda freeing. It feels good to not be in control.

“I can’t wait to get to the room and take a shower, I feel so dirty.” I said.

“I bet. Traveling all day will do that.” Emma said.

That of course had a double meaning, not that Emma would know that. I felt dirty from spending all day traveling, of course, but thanks to Jared’s punishment that wasn’t really punishment, I felt even more icky with these gross, stiff jeans. It didn’t help that I still felt like I smelled like cum either.

Jared started to sing the final few chords of the night and the crowd erupted, singing the last few ‘ahhh, ahhh, ahhh’s with him. If I remembered correctly, it gets a little crazy back here.

“Be prepared,” Emma said, “when he comes off stage, he might grab you like last time. If not we’ll just follow behind. He usually books it to his dressing room because otherwise he’ll get constantly stopped.”

“Okay, I’ll just follow your lead.” I said, as Emma and I both backed away from the stage to stand further off to the side.

Sure enough as Jared rounded the corner after exiting the stage, he saw me and grabbed my upper arm, pulling me towards him then pushing me to walk in front of him. Emma followed behind then a minute later, Shannon. It wasn’t until we got to the hallway that Jared slowed down. The mad rush was over.

“I forgot to tell Emma to bring you back to my dressing room before the show ends. Sorry about yanking you like that.” Jared said as he wiped his face with a towel.

“It okay. I was just trying to stay out of your way.” I laughed, “Emma told me you like to make a quick escape.”

Wrapping his sweaty arm around my shoulders and pulling me to him as we walked, I cringed, “Ewww, you’re getting me all sweaty!” I giggled in mock disgust.

Jared just laughed at my behavior, “You know you love it, baby.”

Then, as if getting me all sweaty wasn’t enough, he planted a big wet kiss on my cheek, “Ahhh!” I giggled louder and with that, he let me go.

Shannon and Emma were behind us laughing and shaking their heads at Jared’s goofball antics.

“You guys leaving right away?” Shannon asked Jared as he continued down the hallway to his dressing room.

“Yeah, I wanna get outta here.” He told him.

“I bet.” Shannon said with a wink and a wave, “Okay, see ya guys in the morning. Nice seein’ ya, Vivie!”

“You too!” I said waving back as Jared opened the door to his dressing room for Emma and I.

While Emma briefed Jared on the details for tomorrow’s press, I casually walked around the room, gathering things I knew were Jared’s and straightened up a bit too. Jared’s suitcase was a mess but I grabbed a shirt and pants out knowing he’d need to change before doing anything else. Less for him to do means we could leave sooner and THAT had me excited.

Out of the corner of my eye, every now and again, I’d see them both look over at what I was doing and smile but neither said anything. I didn’t want to stand around doing nothing so I made myself useful. That’s just how I am. Besides, Jared is beyond messy and I’m sure Emma would be the one picking up after him. If I could help her a bit, I wanted to. By the time they were done talking, I was done too which worked out well.

“I’m going to change, then we’ll go, ok.” Jared said.

“Yep. Here ya go.” I said handing him a tee-shirt and sweatpants as he looked over at his messy suitcase.

“Thank you, baby. This will be quick, I’ll take a shower later at the hotel.” He said as he took the clothes I had then quickly kissed my lips before walking into the bathroom.

Both Emma and I stood there looking at Jared’s messy suitcases along with random things I had picked up that had been spread around the room, shaking our heads. He’s like a tornado, I swear.

“He sure is sloppy, isn’t he.” I laughed.

“You have no idea!” Emma said laughing, “This is actually clean in his eyes. After all the interviews this morning he ran around cleaning up before you got here!”

We both were cracking up at what Jared’s idea of cleaning up was as he walked back out, changed and ready to go.

“What’s so funny?” He asked, looking so adorably clueless.

“You and you mess!” I said, still giggling.

“Whatever..” Jared pouted, pretending to be hurt that we were making fun of him.

As Jared gathered the few things he needed to take with him, I put my jacket on and grabbed my purse.

“Here’s the room keys. There’s a driver waiting outside the east doors. He’s got the hotel information already.” Emma said handing Jared the key cards. “Both yours and Vivie’s luggage is already in the room.”

“Great. See ya in the morning , Em. Thanks.” Jared said.

Jared walked to the door and held it open for me. I turned to Emma and waved, “Thanks, Emma!”

“See ya later, Vivie!” Emma shouted back as Jared pulled me by the arm through the door.

“Come on, Miss Chatty, I wanna get to the hotel before it gets too crazy out there.” Jared said.

Throwing his bag over his shoulder, he wrapped his other arm around my shoulders as we walked down the hall side by side. Cool night air hit my skin the moment we stepped outside and it felt refreshing after so many hours in a hot, sticky theater. The driver, upon seeing us, immediately jumped out to open our car door. I slid in first and Jared followed with his duffle bag.

The drive to the hotel really was short, like ten minutes short, which was awesome. As we pulled up to the curb, it looked like there wasn’t really anyone hanging around. That was exactly what I was hoping for.

The driver opened the door and Jared stepped out first. Just as I was about to follow, I could see six or seven people run across the street, shouting for Jared. So much for getting here before it got too crazy.

Jared looked back at me and laughed at my dazed expression as he stepped away from the car. I was left sitting there like a deer caught in the headlights, not knowing what he wanted me to do. Do I stay and wait or do I head into the hotel? My biggest concern really was that I didn’t want to do anything that would cause more commotion. I very clearly remember how a few of his fan girls acted towards me when they saw he and I together and I just didn’t want any problems for either of us.

It was only a minute or two before a few security officers were there to help Jared with the swarm of fans that were literally coming out of no where. I ended up just sitting there with his duffle bag on my lap waiting. Once a few more officers arrived, I saw Jared motion towards me to one of them and he immediately walked over.

“Miss, can I escort you into the hotel?” the officer asked as he held out his hand to help me out of the car.

Jared was calmly signing autographs and took a few pictures but was intently watching what was going on with me too. I looked over to him and he nodded so I grabbed his duffle and my purse then stepped out of the car and quickly made my way into the hotel lobby to wait.

Standing just inside the doors, his duffle bag sitting next to me I watched all the craziness that was surrounding him. Some people were so aggressive, I was shocked. I felt bad, you could tell he was just spent and his heart wasn’t in it at the moment but he didn’t want to disappoint and I admire him for that.

About ten minutes later, I saw him waving good-by then quickly making his way into the lobby. I’m sure if he stayed, more would keep coming and he’d never be able to leave. I waved and walked towards him as he walked through the glass doors looking for me.

“All done?” I asked.

“Yep. Can’t wait to get upstairs.” He said, taking his bag from my hand. “Thanks baby.”

“I got 'chu, babe.” I giggled, elbowing him in his side.

“I know ya do, baby girl.” He said, smiling down at me just as the elevator doors opened.

He waited as I stepped in first then followed behind, hitting the button for our floor. As soon as the doors closed, Jared dropped his bag and stepped in front of me, using his body to push me up against the mirrored wall.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all day.” He whispered against my lips.

“Me too.” I purred back.

Bracketing my body between his arms, he brought his lips to mine for a little kiss. My arms automatically went around his waist and I tightly hugged his body against mine as my hands slid up his back. With a nip to my bottom lip, I parted them. Jared’s tongue easily slipped into my mouth, caressing mine with his in a deeper kiss than I was expecting.

Before we could go any further, the elevator dinged, alerting us that we were approaching our floor. Before pulling away, he left one more quick kiss on my lips then picked his bag back up.

“Come on, baby girl.” He said, taking a step back and intertwining our fingers together as he held my hand.

Our room was only a short walk from the elevator which was good because that kiss was enough to wake every sleepy fiber of my being. All feelings of exhaustion were gone and instead of sleep, all I wanted was more of him.

Stepping into our room, the first thing I noticed was that it had a beautiful view from the bed…I love that. This room was small but cozy and comfortable and really, that’s all that mattered.

Jared dropped his bag down on the chair next to the door then helped me out of my jacket. Taking my phone from my purse, I left my purse with my jacket.

“Right to the bathroom, baby. We both need a shower.” Jared said.

“Mmm, that sounds nice.” I said as I followed him.

“I’ll take your phone and plug it in with mine.” He said which was perfect. My battery was almost dead and I didn’t feel like unpacking enough to find my charger.

Just as Emma said, our luggage was neatly set up and the luggage was opened. Jared went in the bathroom and started the water in the shower while I found my toiletries. It only took me a few minutes but Jared had already undressed and was reaching in to check the water temperature when I walked in.


I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing him nakkie. It’s just criminal for a man to look as attractive as he does. I could be mistaken but I may have actually started drooling.

Isn’t that embarrassing…

Catching myself before he did, thank god, I picked my jaw up off the floor and started to unpack my toiletries.

Without a word, he stepped into the shower, “I don’t like waiting, baby girl.” he said as he looked at me over his shoulder.

Screw the toiletries.

“I’m sorry, I’m coming.” I said, quickly pulling my icky jeans and panties down my legs, tossing them in the pile of clothes he started then pulled my shirt over my head.

Jared popped his head out with a smirk, “Yes you will.” he said then ducked right back in closing the glass door behind him.

Mmmmm…. Promises….

Quickly stepping over our pile of dirty clothes, I opened the shower door and stepped inside. Jared’s soapy arms immediately surrounded me as the hot, steamy water ran down my back.

“About time…” Jared scolded as his hands wandered across my skin.

“I’m sorry, Sir..” I said, avoiding his gaze to play it safe, though I didn’t think he was totally serious this time.

His demeanor softened, he wasn’t angry, he was just giving me a hard time. Taking a handful of my hair, he pulled my head back so he could look into my eyes. Jared tightened his grip a little more then tipped his lips down to mine, parting them with the tip of his tongue. I happily relaxed in his arms, enjoying the feel of his hand in my hair and his kiss on my lips.

“This feels so good…” I practically moaned against his lips.

Between Jared massaging my shoulder muscles AND the hot water, I felt like I was in heaven.

“Mmm, yes it does.” Jared said as he reached for the shampoo, “Turn and face the tile.”

I did as I was told, moving around Jared’s body to face the tile. Standing this way, his body was blocking the water from spraying directly on me. Squirting some shampoo into his palm, he rubbed his hands together then began to massage it into my hair.

I loved when he washed my hair.

Closing my eyes, I was completely enjoying his fingers massaging my scalp, it was so soothing. So much so that I placed both of my hands against the wall to keep my balance. Falling over would definitely not be a turn on.

Once my hair was throughly washed, Jared moved out of the way so that he could rinse the shampoo out. He was quiet and seemed to be concentrating on the task at hand which was really cute.

After all of the soap was rinsed from my hair, I took a rubber band and put my hair in a knot on top. “Thank you…. I love when you wash my hair.” I said with a smile.

“I know.” He responded with a trademark smirk.

Reaching over my shoulder for the body wash, this next part, I really, really loved. Squirting some soap into his hands, he started at my shoulders then slowly worked his way down. My hands were against the wall, I didn’t want to take a chance slipping especially since I know how thoroughly he cleans every part of my body. Not that I’m complaining….

I could feel his hardening cock as it brushed against my ass and I had to bite my lip. I wanted so badly to turn around and take him in my hands but I didn’t dare. Not without permission and at the moment, I didn’t want to ask. For now, I’d just wait and enjoy.

As Jared’s hands cupped my breasts, playing with them in his soapy hands, I leaned gently forward placing my forehead against the cool tile. Mews of pleasure slipped from my lips as he thrusted his cock deliberately between my legs while tweeking my nipples at the same time. Bolts of lightning struck my clit and I could feel my tummy begin to quiver in anticipation of what’s to come.

It was as if Jared could read my mind, or maybe he just knew my body so well but as his hands traveled slowly down my ribs, the anticipation of his fingers sliding between my folds caused my entire body to tremble. I needed him.

“Aren’t you anxious..” Jared purred in my ear, his hands never drifting lower than my tummy, nowhere near I wanted them most.

“Aaallways….. Sir.” I managed to say as I lifted my head from the tiles.

Hooking my knee over his, he propped his foot on the ledge of the shower I never even noticed was there, where the glass of the doors met the tile of the shower wall. Resting his hand on my knee, the other low on my tummy, my core was now spread wide open.

Still feeling his hard length between my legs and now resting against my open core, I turned my head to nuzzle my nose against his neck. Jared pulled his hips slightly back then pushed forward, kicking up his level of teasing as his shaft grazed across my opening causing me to stutter.

I couldn’t take anymore teasing, I just couldn’t. Taking my right hand from the wall, I covered his hand that was resting on my knee. Turning my lips against his cheek and gripping his hand tighter, I begged, “Please, Sir, use your fingers, please.”

“Show me. Show me how you want me to touch you.” Jared said, kissing my cheek then trailing kisses down my neck.

This wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I wanted him to 'do’ and me to just enjoy but I was desperate. Taking his hand, I pulled it across the slick skin of my thigh then down to my pussy.

Covering his hand with mine, using my fingers to direct his, I started at my clit. Using his index and middle fingers to circle it softly, I could already feel tingles. My hips instantly began to move as I played with myself. I didn’t realize how erotic this was going to be until I was doing it but the longer I continued, the more turned on I got.

“That’s right, baby, show me.” Jared purred, “Keep going.”

My pussy was literally pulsing. I needed him inside me but would have to settle for his fingers…at least for now. Using his flattened hand to cup my pussy, I pushed lower and directed two fingers into my aching hole. Pushing them as far inside as I could, I covered his whole hand with mine, using his palm to rub against my clit as my walls tightened around his fingers.

Leaning back against him, I let he back of my head rest on his shoulder with a moan as I continued to get wrapped up in the sensations I was feeling. Jared took his left hand from my waist and slid it across my chest then caressed my cheek, bringing his lips to mine. As his tongue played with mine, he took my left hand from the wall and brought it to his rigid cock.

“Let me show you.” He said.

Wrapping my fingers around his shaft, he covered my hand with his and began to stroke his solid cock. He directed my movements, showing me how tightly to hold him and the way he wanted me to stroke him, even using my thumb across his tip. His hand set the pace and gradually, I was stroking his cock and riding his fingers in time. It was so hot feeling his hand on mine as I pumped his cock, almost more than using his fingers on me.

“Feels so good, baby..” Jared whispered against my lips as he started to thrust into my hand, “Just like I’m showin’ you.”

My mouth dropped open as I felt the first tingles, knowing it wouldn’t be long before my body fell over the edge, willingly or not.

“Sir, may I please cum?” I asked.

I was so close. Just a little longer….

“No, you may not.” He commanded.

Ahhhhh! NO! I wanted to scream. Better sense quickly prevailed though.

I felt almost like this was a test. And, if it was, I wouldn’t fail him. It had been weeks since we were together as Dominant and submissive. I think, he wanted to see if my desire to please him, to submit to his command, outweighed my need for relief. I also think he needed to confirm that nothing had changed between us. That the bond we developed as Dominant and submissive was still there. And for me, it was, without a doubt.

Knowing I needed to back my body down, I gradually stopped his hand from moving completely. His fingers were still deeply inside me and I knew that if I moved, even slightly, there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to stop my body from responding. I was THAT close.

Jared continued using my hand to stroke his cock though which added another layer of tension for me, as he waited to see what I would do. After what felt like forever, I felt like I gained enough control so I gently began to pull his finger out of me and away from my sensitive pussy. In an effort to control myself, I squeezed his hand hard while trying to relax the other that was still working his ridged length. I couldn’t help my heaving breath, I felt as if I were walking a tightrope. Sliding his hand back up to rest on my knee, I could tell he was pleased.

Jared trailed his hand from his cock, up my chest to wrap his hand around my neck, squeezing it tightly, “Good girl.” He said, kissing my cheek, “Very good girl.”

I was still breathing so hard, I felt lightheaded. Loosening his grip around my neck, he slid his flattened his hand across my chest, back to his cock. Covering my hand with his once more, he slowly stopped my hand then squeezed far harder than I would have ever done as he took a deep breath in then released it slowly. I think he needed to gain a little control back too.

Taking his foot off the ledge, he pulled my hand away as he eased my foot to the floor so we were both standing on our own. Well, somewhat. I was definitely leaning on him to steady myself.

With his body still plastered against mine, “It’s time to get out, baby girl.” Jared said, “I’ll get out first. Leave the water on, I’ll take care of it once I take care of you.”

“Yes, Sir.” I responded, my voice as weak and exhausted as my body felt.

Okay so honestly nobody really cares about these stories because they aren’t as amazing as stories from people who got Loft or Swiftmas and I totally get that! It’s still important to me to get the story down though :)

Our story begins on Taylor Connect some time after August 14, 2011. (I went to the Speak Now Concert August 13 and created a TC account ‘Dmeosi’ the next day). On there, I met this girl Bug. Bug and I talked some here and there. Then some drama went down on TC as it does and I went to a new place called Little Taste of Heaven. LTH went down so a few girls and I created Holy Ground (another fan forum still going :D). On there, Bug came.  Cool, right?

Somewhere along the line I also started becoming active on tumblr.  Taylor followed me on June 1, and I died, etc. I finally joined a squad, the Shifty Swiftie squad, where I met this girl Mady. Mady and I got to talking and I mentioned that I was on Holy Ground. She suddenly freaked out and we realized that she was Bug and I was Dmeosi! So we basically met twice.

We found out we both live near each other (only a few hours away in fact) and so we decided she should definitely try to get tickets in the same section as us for 1989 Tour St. Louis Night 1! She found some and a few days later went to buy them, but they were sold! Finally, she found a pair of tickets for her and her mom three or so rows in front of us (we figured they could just switch with someone in our row).

From there, it was time to decide how to dress for the concert. Laura, my sister, already had stuff to be a fox for the concert (I Know Places) and my heart was set on dressing in a white skirt and crop top with wings and a unicorn horn… aka be Friendly Neighborhood Pegacorn! So obviously, Mady had to be an animal, but which one? Suddenly, we had an idea. I was already wearing all white so I would look like a certain Swift cat. Throw a pair of cat ears on me and I’m Olivia the Pegacat. Give Laura wings and a horn and she’s Catastrophox the Pegafox. Mady would be Meredith the Pegacat. Our moms would be scientists that help us escape the labs that genetically engineered us. They would help us reunite with Taylor. We named the project #SaveThePegacreatures

Next, we had to figure out how to get the word out there on tumblr.  We realized Mady would be coming into town early September so we would make videos about #SaveThePegacreatures to explain the elaborate group to everybody! It didn’t take off nearly as much as I think it should have, with onyl about 200 notes… but it was still incredibly fun to make!

We counted down the days and the day of the concert was upon us. My mom signed a note to let me out of school a few hours early. I went to pick up my little sister from school and we then went to my mom’s work to get changed and leave for the concert! (funny story, we were walking down the stairs to get changed in the bathroom when my sister legit fell down the stairs and in slow motion caught her self and it was just crazy I thought her arm was going to be broken which would have sucked for her because I was going to the concert one way or another) ANYWAYS I sucked my self consciousness down and wore a crop top (which I still think I looked gross in but whatever)

We went to the venue and met some really amazing people! We passed time talking about Taylor, of course, Doctor Who, and we passed out these super cute fliers that my friend from HG made for us! 

Finally, the gates opened and we RAN to the Taylor Nation booth. I’m not kidding. Luckily, it was pretty close to where we were in line so we were only in the TN line for probably ten minutes. It was our turn and I was met with a new face. It wasn’t popular Kevin, or legendary Sierra, or Erica! It was Alison. We talked to her, told her how Mady and I met through Taylor Nation, etc. We gave her a few fliers and she told us to put some on the table with the guitar picks, too, since it was so cute! Ali asked if she could take a picture of us with the flier for and then she took our picture for, you know, us.

Then she asked us where we were sitting. I thought, “this is it” and told her we were sitting in section 308, row M. Way back of the venue but we’re just really grateful we’re here at all! I thought, “is she going to upgrade us?” She didn’t. I swallowed that momentary jump of excitement and instead got amped for the concert itself.

We went to eat some food, took our picture at the Keds booth,

 and finally decided we should probably go to our seats since it was a long hike up.  We finally found the section and were headed up the stairs to our seats. I realized just how high we were. Very very top section in the extreme back of the stadium.  They turned the lights off and Vance Joy came on. Mady, Laura, and I turned our battery operated lights on and got to our seats, put our stuff down, and were about to stand up to sing and dance when it happened.

Ali was coming up the aisle.

“Hi, girls, I was wondering if you want to sit on the floor tonight to watch the show?”

You can see the video on my sister’s page, but I’ll sum it up for you. “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD *sobbing noises* OH MY GOD *more sobbing* THANK YOU THANK YOU *sobbing* My name is Ali *sobbing* you’re welcome! I couldn’t see when they turned the lights off but I saw your horns!”

(Above is me crying as Ali counted out tickets)

We ambled down to the floor, still in tears. I kept telling Laura and Mady that I wanted to hug every single person we passed, especially when I recognized them from earlier when we passed out fliers. We saw one of Mady’s friend from an earlier 1989 concert (who ended up taking pictures of us during the concert when Taylor was near us!). We got down to our area and found out we were in the DEAD FRONT ROW. Right next to the stage! It was perfect because besides the pretty small pit, we were right by the front part of the stage and the runway itself. 

(My sister, me, and my mom)

(The PegaSquad!)

During the show, Taylor winked near us and waved at us and I don’t remember what song this happened in but I’m pretty sure it was Style when she was walking back, she looked ME in the eye and it was very fast but slow motion for me. She looked me in the eye, I saw a glimmer of recognition and she waved. I LOST IT.  It was so exciting I can’t even begin to tell you.

The show itself was amazing. Taylor is perfect and adorable beyond words. Her dancers are so cute and funny and they wave at you and interact with you. Amos and I did a goofy face-off while Taylor taught the audience how to shout “UNGH” during WANEGBT. I’ll never forget that night.

Below, my favorite picture from the concert (even though I have yet to find a video of this moment) is me handhearting on screen at the end of Shake it Off. I’m red in the face from excitement and emotions and maybe possibly some crying.

I’ll never forget you as long as I live. <3

larpqueendean-deactivated201611  asked:



Psssst. Hi. Don’t worry, everything is gonna be ok. 

Once upon a time humom and I were traveling. Something crazy happened to the plane and we got stuck in Dallas. After all that, and a few hours stretching out on my own  bed in the hotel room, the airport helpers left us in the wrong terminal. Human was panicked. She doesn’t walk so well some of the time and definitely doesn’t run well. So when they left us in the wrong terminal she had to ‘run’ with me on her arm and her carry on on her back to the right terminal and right gate. 

When we finally arrived at the right gate, humom was exhausted and hurting. She sat down, made sure I secure, and then started crying (cause she hurt so much, was worried about me, and generally felt exhausted and awful).

Being an awesome support tortoise, I decided to check on her, remind her that everything was going to be ok, and maybe try to make her smile a little. So, I peeked out of my carrier and waited for humom to notice. When she did she stopped crying, grabbed her phone, and took this picture. She laughed and smiled REAL big. She says this will always be one of her all time favorite pictures; because I’m so cute and because I made her feel so much better. 

I pretty much won that day, don’t you think? 

Toby Cavanaugh is Charles DiLaurentis

I know this seems crazy and impossible to most people.. but hear me out. We need to stop looking at clues inside the show, and start looking for them outside the show. I spent hours upon hours doing research and trying to figure it out, everytime I read a theory that made sense, I’d read another theory that totally ”debunked” the possibility of the last theory. Its WAY to easy to debunk the theory for any character being Charles/A if we look at the information that the show gives us, because the show hasnt given us everything (theres still 10 episodes) but… the writters and creators have given us everything.

Ok, lets start;

During a reddit Q&A Marlene said this

Ok so A/Charles is Marlenes favourite character… That got me thinking, who is Marlenes favourite Character? This show has been going on for quite a few years and because of that Marlene has done TONS of interviews, im sure in the earlier seasons shes had to of stated her favourite character before, right? Exactly right! I found another article where she stated Toby was her favourite character.. thats shown below.

That brings us to the next piece of evidence.. I tried to find a screenshot but couldnt.. Basically Marlene said on twitter its someone who was in the Pilot and season 1.. she also said to “Re watch the finales, including summer finales, camp mona has some juicy nuggets.” The episode with camp mona is the episode Toby is arrested in, Tobys also in the pilot, and is in lots of the season 1 episodes.

Keegan (tobys actor) also said he knows who A/charles is.. he said this;  "When its finally revealed everyone will freak out because its so clear in every episode! After knowing who A is youll go back to season 1 and be like ‘oh wow, woah. This has been here all along, and i never noticed it.“
Who is the CLEAR OBVIOUS suspect in season 1? ITS TOBY!

Again couldnt find a screen shot, but after reading that Keegan knows who Charles is.. I read that the Actresses of Aria, Alison, and Emily dont know who Charles is, but the actress of Spencer (Troian) does.

Why would Keegan but not many others know? Because its his Character!
Why would Troian know but not others? Because its her love interest, and spencers also the first one to see charles unmasked

Now how is Toby actually a DiLaurentis? We know that the “twins” arent identical for some reason…

Could the reason be because theyre actually not twins? and in fact the second little boy is actually Toby, who is a year or two younger than the first little boy (jason) ? 
Itd make sense because Tobys a cop while the liars are still seniors but we also know that he didnt graduate with the Melissa/jason generation.. hes in between the ages. 

So thatd mean that Toby is actually Ken and Jessicas son, not Peter and Jessicas son.. Which would explain why Toby wouldnt kiss Alison, but would kiss/have a sexual relationship with Spencer. 

I wish I had all the screen shots but I deleted them off of my phone last night because I didnt think it was important until after sleeping on the idea of toby being Charles, at the time of deletion I didnt think they were necessary.

Just remember, Marlene said it herself, “Tobys the moral compass to everything.”

11thdctr  asked:

have you ever thought about the possible context of the upcoming snowbarry kiss? if so, could we have your take on it in fanfic form? (your fics, btw, are amazing. i love the latest one especially.)

I have been writing this for an hour and a half without pause because I really wanted to write my take on the kiss before it happened on the show (ohmygod, I AM SO EXCITED!). This won’t be anything like what the show will give us but I could see this happening so here it is. I hope you enjoy it and thanks for the kind words <3 

first kiss  || words: 1,103

She’s not innocent, neither is she naive, but what Barry and Cisco are proposing is crazy, it makes absolutely zero sense. All the foundations her life has been built upon are dangerously trembling and Caitlin is not sure she’s ready to watch them fall. Dr. Wells has been with her every step of the way, through the tough beginnings to who she has become as a scientist and as a person. How could it be possible? He’s a cold man at times, secretive and aloof, but he’s not a murderer. It can’t be.

Her hands shake and she can’t write a single straight line down on the file of.. The file based on… What was it she was trying to work on? What had she come to Star Labs to do? She sighs, frustration overwhelming her and Caitlin feels like tearing her hair out. She can’t concentrate on anything but the facts Barry showed Cisco and her at his office. Everything was meticulously arranged, the work of a true scientist, but all that Caitlin could see were blurs of information, stabs to her unprotected back, so she ran. She got out of the building before the room could suffocate her completely and yet when she finally breathed fresh air it still felt like her lungs were on fire. A tear rolls down her cheek and Caitlin lets a sob escape her lips like the saddest song ever written but a noise startles her and she hastily turns around to meet Barry’s eyes where he’s standing in the doorway.

Keep reading

Remember this

Today a man killed women because he didn’t own them as he seemed to feel was his due. It’s heartbreaking and enraging. He shot seven and maybe more to come. He used misogynistic slurs. He broadcasted his intent on YouTube. A hero page has been started in Facebook. It isn’t the first and is far from the last time. When our
Media ignores misogyny in favor of “he was crazy” it’s complicit in pandemic gender-based and race-associated hate and violence. I grateful for the friend who sent sent me this.

For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
like bread in our children’s mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak
we are afraid our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
we were never meant to survive

Audre Lorde