So this is something that I have mixed feelings about posting. I know I’ll get judgment for it but I guess it’s too important for me to not post.
People often assume because of the clothing I wear I am confident and happy with my body, I’m often told I’m “too skinny” to be self-conscious. Here’s the thing, I know I’m not “fat” or “big”. I am, depending on the brand a 0 or 2, usually am xs, occasionally a small. But that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with my body. I live in the body daily, I see it daily, I have its flaws memorized; and though I know flaws are what make us human, I hate them. I’m 5'8" and an extra small, but I have thighs that are too often too big to fit into my size, I have a pretty flat chest but not a flat stomach. I have major “muffin top” that I despise so fucking much. I think my shoulders are to broad for my body and my butt is definitely bigger than I’d prefer. But I’m told I’m not allowed to dislike these things because I don’t wear double digits. Not because I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, not because I should learn to love myself because I deserved to, but because I’m not big enough to dislike my body. It’s something that gets to me a lot.
So while trying to find a bathing suit to wear today, my mind went into that place and damn it is a dark place to be.
It’s a dark place that I’m fighting to bring light to. It will take a lot of time, a lot of hard work. But I’m starting that work with a line in a song by, you guessed it, The Color Morale! In their song, ‘Between You and Eye’ there is this line, “Your imperfections make you perfect to me. Now learn to just stay you.” That line really got to me the first time I hear the song and it still holds it weight. So I’m slowly learning, slowly working on staying in the body I have and learning to accept it, as well as the flaws that come with it. So this is me, all the parts I like and the parts I hate, working together to be me. And here I am putting my insecurities into the world, setting them free so I can learn to accept and love me.
MEET & GREET! Submit your meet-and-greet stories to email@example.com. They are posted throughout the week.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for about a year now, and during my first anxiety attack, I turned to The Color Morale. Every time that I wanted to relapse to cutting my left thigh, I wrote lyrics from The Color Morale and other bands instead all over my arms and legs. The Color Morale has been an anchor of mine for a long time. At Warped Tour 2014, I met Garret Rapp, and my world changed for the better. Earlier that day, I had met Crown The Empire (which was already incredible in itself) and seen The Color Morale’s set. I really loved it, and my voice was really sore from screaming and singing along. During the set, Garret told us that if we needed to talk, he would be at the TCM tent all night. After We Are The In Crowd’s set, I had time to kill, so with my dad, my twin brother, and my aunt, I walked to the tent. There wasn’t too long of a line, and I watched other fans meet Garret, which was pretty cool. My dad asked what I wanted signed, since I didn’t have any of their CDs, sadly. Well, on the drive to the venue that morning, I had written some lyrics in a little pink notebook. I didn’t think that they were that good, but I wanted them signed by my favorite lyricist. When it was my turn to meet Garret, I was shaking really badly and I was extremely nervous. I asked if he could sign my lyrics, and he did, then asking if he could read my lyrics. I only had the first verse and half of the chorus. Usually, I’m really self-conscious about other people reading my lyrics since they tend to be really personal, but I said, “Sure.” And he read them. After he looked over them, he wondered how old I am. I told him, and he was blown away, which definitely surprised me. He told me that I have an amazing talent with songwriting and that I should keep going. I thanked him, and stuttering horribly, I told him that his music has gotten me through so much of my anxiety. He gave me the best hug I’ve ever had and told me that there’s a new song on Hold On Pain Ends written for me (I can’t remember the name, but I’ll see it in September soon.), that whenever I feel hopeless, I can always turn to The Color Morale. I almost cried, but I didn’t. During this little exchange, my twin was buying a T-shirt from the tent, and he met Garret as well. He didn’t really know much about The Color Morale before coming with me to Warped Tour, but he liked their set a lot, and he got a picture with Garret, which was pretty cool. He also told me that earlier in the day, Devin King nodded at him when I was at their tent, pre-ordered Hold On Pain Ends. I don’t think he’ll ever stop talking about that. Thanks to The Color Morale, I’ve finished the song that he signed with a new-found confidence that I never had before and way more after that. Whenever I have a bad day, I can look back at that tiny little notebook and remember that my hero is rooting for me somewhere out there. I’m not alone in this battle against depression and anxiety, and I’m not okay yet. The important part is that I’m closer to okay.
<small><b>MEET & GREET! Submit your meet-and-greet stories and photos to firstname.lastname@example.org. They are posted throughout the week.</b></small>
I met Garret Rapp of The Color Morale on June 15 at the Dallas Warped Tour. (I also met Devin King and I submitted that
story I think). Anyway, The Color Morale has been my favorite band since
earlier 2014 when their song “Strange Comfort” came on and distracted
me enough to stop going through with a suicide attempt and have since
helped me recover from self harm.
Their set being later in the
day and living in Texas I was very sunburnt, and very exhausted. I
managed to get a spot by the barricade and when they started to play it
was the best time of my life. The second to last song the guy who was in
front of the barricade told me I should get out, that I looked like I
was about to faint. As he was lifting me out of the crowd Rapp tried to
hand me his water bottle.
After the set Rapp goes to the
tent to meet and talk with people, so I went to go meet one of the
people who helped save my life. I was so out of it I couldn’t really
talk, but I asked him to write the lyric “I’m lost with no motivation to
find my way back”. I also gave him a painting I made for the band. After that I went to the medic tent.