What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You.
Written by John Peck for McSweeney’s, 2011
Tears For Fears: You have used whiteout on a pair of white loafers.
Art of Noise: You have been paid to be furniture at a party.
Pat Benatar: You have had three or more Superball bruises at one time.
Air Supply: You have punched an arcade game hard enough to injure yourself.
Eddie Money: You have eaten several Shrinky-Dinks on purpose.
Bryan Adams: Your hair smells faintly like barbecue sauce.
Dexy’s Midnight Runners: Your shower smells like Skittles and unfiltered cigarettes.
Dead or Alive: Your pet smells like Goldschlager.
Tangerine Dream: You have a half-full can of Sanka at the back of your cupboard.
Devo: You have dissected a Nintendo game.
Simple Minds: You have tasted a scented pen.
Kajagoogoo: You have used AquaNet in self-defense.
Limahl: You have used Nair in self-defense.
Naked Eyes: You have almost been tricked into eating silly string on a saltine.
Gary Numan: You own more than one pair of sock garters.
Mike and the Mechanics: You have thrown a Rolodex at a raccoon or skunk.
Peter Gabriel: You know what Fimo tastes like.
Roxette: You have injured yourself with a Q-Tip.
Madonna: Your bedroom smells like Midori.
B-52s: Your laundry room smells like Midori.
Richard Marx: You have woken up to a dog licking your hair.
Wham!: You have made nachos while on ecstasy.
The Cure: You have several bracelets or rings you cannot remove.
Berlin: The last book you read used “countenance” as a verb.
This Mortal Coil: You know the act, scene and line that “this mortal coil” comes from.
Billy Idol: You own a piece of clothing that involves both argyle and leather.
Robert Palmer: You have used “argyle” as a verb.
Tommy Tutone: You have attempted to use a Polaroid picture as an ID.
Rick Astley: You have used a hairnet as a handbag.
Bangles: You have chewed gum while delivering a keynote speech or eulogy.
Psychedelic Furs: You have worn sunglasses through an entire tooth cleaning.
The English Beat: You have injured yourself while doing the Electric Slide.
General Public: You have injured yourself while doing the Centipede.
Madness: You have injured several bystanders while doing the Centipede.
Men at Work: You wear shorts with boots at least once a week.
Eurythmics: You have lost a mood ring in a hot tub.
The Smiths: You have read aloud to a hamster, ferret, or turtle.
Joy Division: You have been bitten by a cat while trying to dress it in period costume.
New Order: You own several fish tanks but no fish.
A Flock of Seagulls: You have destroyed a calculator watch in anger.
Men Without Hats: You have accidentally dropped a pager into a tub of frozen yogurt.
Nena: You have put a cigarette out in a piece of birthday cake.
John Cougar Mellencamp: You have put a cigarette out in an industrial-sized jar of relish.
Loverboy: You have eaten relish as a meal.
Rick Springfield: Your wallet weighs over a pound.
Falco: You have killed a fly with a program from Cats.
Michael Jackson: You have exploded a beanbag chair by landing on it.
Huey Lewis and the News: You are hanging from monkey bars in two or more successive class pictures.
The Police: You have shattered a Rubik’s Cube with a rock.
Sting: You have tried and failed to shatter a Rubik’s Cube with a rock.
Big Country: You have a Highlander poster in a tube in the back of your closet.
Soft Cell: You mouth the words when you watch Highlander.
A-ha: You own a VCR with a copy of Highlander stuck in it.
Survivor: You have cut a Nerf football in half to see what was inside.
INXS: You have knocked someone over with an Aerobie.
Thomas Dolby: You have used a laserdisc as a shaving mirror.
Pet Shop Boys: You have woken up next to an empty bottle of Magic Shell.
Mr. Mister: You have forgotten soup in the freezer and ice cream in the microwave on the same night.
Wang Chung: You have a money clip with an amusement park logo printed on it.
Bauhaus: You know what LARPing is.
OMD: You have gone to a party dressed as a dark elf.
Culture Club: You have woken up under someone who was dressed as a dark elf.
Ministry: You have thrown up on someone who was dressed as a dark elf.
Cocteau Twins: You have spilled Zima on someone who was dressed as a dark elf.
Toni Basil: You have spilled Zima into a motel heating vent.
The Pointer Sisters: You dot your i’s with hearts.
The Pretenders: You are excellent at dodgeball.
ABC: You were one of the first ten people in history to drop a cell phone in a toilet.
Lionel Richie: You have shaved a word into your hair.
The Cars: You have hit a whiffle ball with a fake lightsaber.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood: You have woken up under your high school gym teacher.
Joan Jett: You have woken up on top of your high school gym teacher.
Simply Red: You have temporarily blinded someone by whipping your hair into them.
Europe: You think Europe is Asia.
Asia: You think Asia is Europe.
REM: You minored in something.
Cyndi Lauper: You have lost several silk scarves to escalators.
Starship: You consistently pay for extra cheese at Subway.
The Fixx: You have sunbathed in a suit.
Phil Collins: You have worn shorts while accepting an award or diploma.
Go-Go’s: Your favorite air freshener is Vanillaroma.
Bananarama: Your favorite air freshener is New Car.
Prince: You have used a hamster ball as a cocktail shaker.
Depeche Mode: You have drawn Tintin or the Little Prince in the margin of a math test.
Erasure: You have been caught kissing a copy of The Little Prince.
Thompson Twins: You have been spanked with a copy of The Little Prince.
Human League: You have been spanked with a VHS copy of The Neverending Story.
The Clash: Your safety word is “Nicaragua.”
Grace Jones: Your safety word is forty-seven syllables long.
Brian Eno: Your safety word is “10011101.”
Duran Duran: Your safety word is “Kim Wilde.”
Kim Wilde: You have forgotten your safety word.