the bushwick times

fruityfonzie-deactivated2014122  asked:

ok real prompt this time -- the bushwick five + dani playing uno together and kurt telling blaine that no he will not sit next to him ever again because he's like maddie and just keeps giving kurt draw cards and skips and kurt thinks there's a conspiracy -- xoxo gossip the only people in at thetumblrleague headquarters at the moment

(oh my god) 

Blaine isn’t sure how they got here. Usually it’s him who suggestions the board games. Or Rachel. Santana makes fun of the whole thing, usually, though Blaine is pretty sure she secretly loves it (plus she’s weirdly good at things like Scrabble and Clue and always seems to win). 

It was probably a bad idea to play Uno. It’s always a bad idea to play Uno. 

“You bitch!" 

Santana is glaring at Rachel, who is hiding a smile behind her two cards. Santana mutters in Spanish as she draws two cards from the deck and Dani pats her hand gently. 

The game turned violent pretty early on and it seemed no one was safe. 

He didn’t mean to keep giving Kurt draw 4 cards and skipping him. He was just right next to him on his right side. Sam was on his other side and getting just as much abuse when there was a reverse card, but he was pretty good natured about it. 

Kurt frowns, trying to manage his handful of cards. Blaine only has one and he feels bad. Sam puts down a yellow card, which Blaine doesn’t have, so he has to draw a card. 

Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, he gets a draw 4 card so he can pick his own color.

"I’m sorry, Kurt,” he says and sets down the card. “Blue." 

"Shit!” says Kurt. He glares at Blaine. “I want a divorce." 

"But - we’re not even married!”

“Well when we get married, I’m getting a divorce,” says Kurt. “And I’m never sitting next to you again during this game. In fact, we’re having two kids so I can put one of them on either side of me if you ever drag out this. stupid, game." 

Blaine sort of zones out at the mention of kids. "You really want two?” he asks, voice soft. Kurt, though still upset, smiles at him. 

“Well…”

“Oh barf, please stop and put down a card, Hummel,” says Santana. “You have got to have a blue somewhere in that hand." 

"Shut up, Santana,” says Kurt. “Like you’re going to win." 

"We’re playing Clue next,” says Sam with a sigh. “Far less murder in that game, if I’m being honest." 

I got a call yesterday to do one of the craziest gigs I had ever been asked to do. A woman was having dinner at Phillipe with her husband and her husbands best friend. They wanted a comedian to come and entertain them for a half hour at the table. They would pay 250 dollars. She sent me an email telling me a little about them. They both worked at Toyota, had three children, were Dominican, and loved Chris Rock and Katt Williams. She had asked other comedians to do this and she said they were too expensive. She said her friends said it would be awkward and tried to dissuade her but she wanted to do something different for his birthday this year. I arrived at Phillipe at 8, a half hour after they got there to allow them to get drunk, and the manager lead me to the table. “You’re the comedian?” he asked. I sat down at the table. The guy was huge and had several Jesus pieces. His wife was pretty and also had lots of bling. I sat down and said hello. A white woman passed our table and I said “Look at this white bitch!” It killed. His friend was black and I asked if they met in jail. They loved it. Then they told me that they had. We talked about jail and selling cars (they did quite well) and their kids. I told them I used to love cocaine. Every now and then I’d stop to point out someone at another table and say “This fucking Jew”. It murdered. As time went on they told me they had taken in their 85 year old neighbor who had lost his wife. They were taking him to the Dominican Republic because he was lonely. They were going to get him a hooker. We talked about how shady Major World is (they don’t work there) but how great a good scam is. We talked about my time in mortgages. I told them about one closing where a guy with dementia forgot where he was. He said “Where am I?” and his son said “Keep signing Daddy’s it’s almost over.” They roared. The management at Phillipe asked us to quiet down and we told them to fuck off. We talked about refugees “I’m nervous but I’ll sell them cars” said the wife. “This spring roll shit sucks” said the husband. I stayed longer than I had to because I genuinely enjoyed their company. Doing comedy you forget what’s it like to spend time with people who have balls. They told me about their new gun. It made me sad I spend time in Bushwick with people, who if they were a food, would be radishes. They paid me and I took their info. I hope to see them again. They guy gave me a spring roll when I left “Take it you fat as shit”. I thanked him. I’ve been doing comedy 5 years and I finally found two people I like.