the burning of the gaspee

svfferign  asked:

ok asshat half the country has the era 3 test within the next week so tell us The Important Things in the shittiest meme-iest fashion ever go

Aight lets do this!!

1754-1763: French-Indian War - a mess, it’s England and France back at it again with the war thing

1754: a Young Wash™ loses Fort Necessity, goodbye General Braddock 😵

1763: Treaty of Paris pt. 1 - France loses A Lot of land (Canada, the Mississippi) but keeps the Money Islands in the Caribbean

1763: Proclamation of 1763 - the colonists can’t move to the land they fought for, they do it anyway because they are strong independent Americans who don’t need no rules

1764: Sugar Act - makes The Bostonians salty, but not much else happens, gets repealed

1765: Stamp Act my dudes, England needs The Monies™ and we gotta pay

1765: The Sons of Liberty gets lit, organized boycotts

1766: Declatory Act - “we rule you shut up” - parliament to the colonies

1767: disbands NY Assembly to make everyone agree not to mutiny, also starts the new taxes for the tea☕️, lead⛓, paint🎨, and paper📑(don’t anger the lawyers)

1770: The Boston Massacre - not really a massacre, but that’s not important once it hits Georgia (🖕🏻🖕🏻England). Like 5 people died. John Adams reps the soldiers

1772: The Sons of Liberty gets lit again, burns down the HMS Gaspee

1773: The Boston Tea Party 🐸☕️- because causing millions of dollars in losses is the American Way (Sam Adams burns down more boats), mostly because of the Tea Act

1774: The Intolerable Acts - stops the govt, closed Boston, lets British soldiers sleep in houses. ITS TIME FOR REVOLUTION!!!! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

1774: the First Continental Congress, wants reconciliation, sends list of receipts on Britain, starts low-key making an army, really doesn’t do that much after that

1775: shots fired 🔫🔫Lexington and Concord. Paul Revere does the thing (HE SAID THE REGULARS ARE COMING NOT THE BRITISH ARE COMING MY DUDES)

1775: a New, Older Wash™ is appointed Commander in Chief, only bc he promised to fight for free (also, him big™)

1775: Bunker Hill, a loss for America, a mess, Siege of Boston, a win for America, but still a mess

1776: The Instigator Year, everything goes down. Common Sense, Washington loses New York, Battle of Trenton, Cross the Delaware,

1776: The Congress says “suck it England” and signs the Declaration

1777: Saratoga, General Burgoyne surrenders to Gates, France begins to notice (also, Lafayette gets shot in the leg at Brandywine and doesn’t notice)

1777: A gay Prussian saves the Army (von Steuben)

1778: Sugar Daddy France agrees to give us money and huge boats, with guns….gunboats

1781: British surrender at Yorktown, Cornwallis is salty and doesn’t come to negotiations

1783: Treaty of Paris pt. 2 - Adams, Jay, and Franklin end the war

1785: Northwest Ordinance, sets out how to become a state, how to divide land (why a lot of western states are squares)

1786: Shays’s Rebellion, the grand old tradition of hating taxes is back, they close the courts at Boston to stop them taking farms

1787: The shitshow that is the Constitutional Convention begins. Federalists v. Anti-Federalists is big govt. vs. small govt. Hamilton talks for 6 hours, cannot shut up

1787: The Federalist Papers, 85 essays defending the Constitution. HAMILTON WROTE. THE OTHER 51!!!

1787: The 3/5 Compromise for reps in the house, finally gets the constitution passed

1789: a Very Tired Wash™ is elected president

1791: Ham man wants his financial plan passed (National Bank, whisky tax, assume states debts, industry), but the Democratic Republicans don’t want it. Only gets passed because they agree to move the capital south (the room where it happens)

1790s: political parties happen divided over the French Revolution (Republicans love it, the Federalists hate it). Republicans led by The Jeffs and Jemmy Mads

1793: The Neutrality Proclamation gets tested by Citizen Genet. Wants to recruit for fighting for France. A Mess™

1794: Jay’s Treaty sort of fails, but gets us trade with England. He’s burned in effigy, Ham is stoned by a mob defending it

1795: Pinckney’s Treaty gets access to the Mississippi

1796: His Rotundy (Adams) gets elected, The Jeffs is VP. It’s messy.

1797: The XYZ Affair, they want the money, we don’t want to give them the money to negotiate. Messy

1798: The Alien and Sedition Acts - don’t be mean to Adams, it makes him cry. It’s harder to become a citizen

1798-1799: The Virginia and Kentucky Resolutions want to nullify the unconstitutional Acts, which in itself is unconstitutional, so…..

1800: The Election “Revolution” of 1800 is probably the messiest election ever. Adams says Jefferson is dead, Jeffs retaliates, its awful

1800: The Electoral College has a tie with Jeffs and AyyAyyron Burr, Hamilton ends up breaking the tie. This works out great. (It doesn’t, he gets shot 4 years later)