the burden of existence

Me: *Forgets who Azealia Banks is and enjoys that her continued existence no longer burdens my mind*

Yall, seeking to destroy the peace I’ve made for myself: She’s doing things again. Here’s a screenshot and a link.

anonymous asked:

Can I just say that I just LOVE BD's character design? The balance between the design's likability and interesting characteristics is so perfect. Some people think that her design is a step down but I think it's a gigantic step up. Her sillouette is stronger, her facial complexion gives her more personality, the various sources of inspiration! One of the best in the show imo

i agree with what you said, and let me elaborate!

look at the diamonds we’ve met so far, and how their design says everything about their personalities

first look at the leading lines here. everything about bd’s design seems to be pulling her down, giving her overall posture a very droopy feeling. and what do you know- Blue diamond lives with the ever existing burden of grief, and she allows it to pull her down. literally. she doesnt have many straight lines, or corners for that matter.

in Yellow’s case- many corners. many straights. every time two lines meet it creates an angle. she’s super pointy. she doesnt seem very approachable… well, she isn’t. she’s harsh. and the design tells you that before she even speaks.

this is made super clear when u look at their silhouettes

and the most amazing thing? they have the exact same body type!

it’s the same proportions, but YD is slightly taller b\c heels+hair. (maybe BD is wearing heels too but i doubt it)

you just don’t notice it, because the people who designed them were professionals who clearly knew what they were doing.

One thing nobody teaches you is how politicised being disabled is. Your whole existence being called a waste of resources. Your whole worth being boiled down to whether you can work. If you can, you’re not disabled and get nothing. If you’re not, you’re lazy and deserve nothing.

Accessibility is seen as a burden and us demanding too much like the greedy people they claim us to be. No handouts! No Handouts! We are invisible and subhuman. We are the other. We are portrayed as burdens to society for simply wanting to exist in the world as they do.

The ability to live week to week is constantly in jeopardy. Lost jobs from sick days. Rising costs of medical care and accommodations. Your government assistance becomes a talking point and a target. People rallying for you to starve instead of paying any taxes to your care. One day your means to live just disappears without fanfare or your input. ‘Austerity measures’ being levied on us for being ‘leeches’. They might not kill us directly but they don’t care about leaving us to die.

Right to die advocates fighting valiantly for euthanasia but doing nothing about disability rights. Nothing about accommodations. Nothing about accessibility. Nothing about subsidies or in home care. They’d rather give us the ability to die than allow us to live. Because we are tragedies.


Autism Parents™ hate their children. There is no way to talk around it, no way to deny it.

They hate that their children are autistic, they hate that they don’t blend in. They further push rhetorics which are harmful to autistic people. And they raise their kids with that exact rhetoric. They raise their kids to keep their hands quiet, to perform to standards not made for them instead of fighting for acceptance. Instead of fighting for their kids to have an environment that treats them how they deserve to be treated.

Honestly… I am sorry for all of you who have Autism Parents™…
You are not a burden. You are not in pain because you exist and because you are autistic. But because of how people treat you. Because of your parents telling you that you are.

You are fine. Being autistic is great.
It’s just society that’s gross and I’m sorry that even your parents told you otherwise.

Thoughts on Quiet BPD

When asked about BPD, most people who know about this disorder immediately think of the “classic” symptoms: impulsive behaviors and episodes of rage. The same holds true for even mental health professionals.

But rage and impulsivity are only two out of the nine criteria in determining whether someone has BPD. Some people with BPD—myself included—meet the criteria for a diagnosis but do not use these “acting out behaviors.”

So what does it mean to have quiet BPD?

You probably still suffer from extreme mood swings and emotional reactivity, self-harm and suicidal ideation, chronic feelings of emptiness, paranoid ideation, dissociation, a lack of identity, and the intense fear of abandonment we love so very much (disclaimer: we hate it.).

And it may well be that your relationships are stormy as well—even if the other person has no freaking idea how distressing said friendship is to you.

How is that possible? Well, we feel the same things other people with BPD feel: we idealize you and become deeply emotionally attached to you, then suddenly we become emotionally cold and distant toward you over just a minor disappointment, we’re kept awake at night by paranoia that you secretly hate us because you didn’t text us back immediately, we spiral into crushing depression over the littlest things you say and do.

But the difference lies in how we express it.

With “classic” BPD you may tell the other person what you’re feeling. You may accuse the person of lying to you, avoiding you, abandoning you, etc. You may display anger toward the other person or get into arguments. The other person becomes aware of what you’re thinking and feeling. Not so with quiet BPD.

I almost never tell my friends what’s going through my mind unless they ask. I’m too terrified of being a burden to them. I internalize this tempest of dysphoria, letting it fester for weeks and months. I will drop off your radar, distancing myself from you without you even noticing. Unless you reach out to me, you’ll never hear from me again. I’ll isolate myself, forever convinced you hate me and that you’re better off not dealing with my burdensome self… even if there’s no evidence to suggest this. Even if we’ve literally been best friends for years.

You may not notice this shift at all, simply because I don’t express it. The friendship may not be distressing for you, but it’s sure as hell distressing for me. I’ve cycled through so many friendships in this way, in near constant agony as a result—and the vast majority of my friends had no idea.

I’m obsessed over this idea that I’m a burden. That my very existence is an annoyance to everyone, and so I very frequently deny myself the very emotion so often associated with BPD: anger.

I loathe myself so much I feel I don’t have the right to be angry for myself.

Sure, I can feel anger all right. If you slight a friend or family member of mine, I cannot begin to describe the rage that wells up inside me.

But if you insult me? I’ll sink to depression and probably agree with you (this has happened multiple times).

People with different types of BPD respond differently to the same triggers. For some, if they feel you’re going to abandon them or that you don’t care about them, they respond with anger. Others act impulsively in hopes of relieving some of their pain. But I respond by turning inward. I justify these “signs” that everyone in my life hates me—the same signs recognized by people with “classic” BPD—by deciding that if I’m going to be abandoned, well, it’s because I deserve to be. If you do hate me, it’s because I am, in fact, absolute scum. My BPD takes these signs and twists them into reinforcement of my extreme self-loathing. If anything, I’ll be angry with myself.

This translates into “acting in” behaviors that aren’t as obvious as impulsive behaviors. I self-harm and don’t tell a soul about it, I lock myself in my room and cry for hours, I become so emotionally numb I just stare at the wall all day, I’ll sleep for an entire weekend to escape my pain, I’ll even deny myself food because what’s the point of extending my lifespan, especially if I don’t deserve it?

Any kind of BPD sucks, quiet or otherwise. But raising awareness about quiet BPD is crucial: professionals may not realize we have BPD because we don’t fit the “classic” model, and thus we end up spending years misdiagnosed or in treatment that doesn’t address what’s actually going on with us. We could be spared YEARS of additional suffering by getting the correct treatment as soon as possible. So let’s raise awareness, shall we?


A farmer comes home one day to find that everything that gives meaning to his life is gone. Crops are burned, animals slaughtered, bodies and broken pieces of his life strewn about. Everything that he loved taken from him - his children. One can only imagine the pit of despair, the hours of Job-like lamentations, the burden of existence. He makes a promise to himself in those dark hours. A life’s work erupts from his knotted mind. Years go by. His suffering becomes complicated. One day he stops - the farmer who is no longer a farmer - sees the wreckage he’s left in his wake. It is now he who burns, he who slaughters, and he knows in his heart he must pay.

Picking a topic for my first ever post has been so difficult. I thought this would be a great introduction to this blog because medicine is not just a modernity. Leonardo da Vinci managed to paint certain details into the Mona Lisa which, on closer inspection, demonstrate how diseases which burden us nowadays still existed in the past. 

There have been various papers about the possible pathological features depicted in the painting. Some even postulate that the enigmatic smile could be due to Bell’s palsy or myopathic facies. Elements of strabismus (squint) can also be observed. 

The medial aspect of the left orbital region shows xanthelasma. The lump on the right hand has been postulated to be a lipoma. But could it be a swollen joint indicative of rheumatoid arthritis (the rest of her metacarpophalyngeal joints do appear to be swollen too)? What about her fingers? Is that a rash or an artefact?

This is what I love about Rheumatology. It’s an enigma because it is a fountain of possibilities. Rheumatic conditions can affect virtually any body system there is. The element of mystery is something which really attracted me to the field and it has made further exploration of the subject an immense pleasure of mine.

the child is extremely satisfied with the deal, the cat regrets immediately and is now 507k in debt and has to battle the burden of questioning it’s existence

theother-fiftyone  asked:

prompt 7 (please... just leave me alone) with boyf riends?

Sorry it took me so long! Exams have been a bitch :/
Any who, thank you for the prompt!

7 - “Please… just leave me alone”


The walls were closing in, everything was going dark and all Michael could do was sit there helplessly in the bathroom tub. Knees huddled up to his chest, he closed his eyes and tried to let his mind wonder out of this hellish hole he had been trapped in for the past few hours.

He saw the people outside the door that were still parting till dawn, without a care in the world. Most of them didn’t even know that Michael existed. He saw Rich, frantically dancing through the hallways of Jake’s house, yelling something about Mountain Dew Red. Michael thought back for a moment to the days where he could sit in the peaceful room of his basement, chugging the fruity flavoured drink. Those were his favourite times - a time before everything went to shit and he lost his best friend over a super computer.

He saw Jake, who was currently making out with Chloe in one of the many bedrooms of the household. Yet another feature of the house Michael detested. It was big - way too big and whenever Michael tired to escape the hell that was the bathroom the giant would suck him back in.

He saw Christine and Brooke dancing the night away in their Halloween costumes, laughing and smiling without a care in the world. At least they were allowed to smile. ‘It isn’t fair,’ Michael thought when he saw them - saw how happy they both were. He tried to copy them, tried to share in their joy but he just couldn’t. His brain was torturing him, teasing him with the prospect of being happy but dangling it just out of reach.

Finally, he saw Jeremy. His best friend. He was also smiling, watching the girls with his iconic dimples and his calming radiance. He was perfect. And completely different to Michael.

He didn’t deserve him. Jeremy could have done so much better the last twelve years, it was surprising it had taken him this long to realise that. Michael replayed the scene again and again in his head - “Get out of my way, loser”.

Jeremy was right. He was a loser. Here he was, at the biggest party of the fall, cramped and locked inside a small bathroom with nothing but his hoodie to keep him warm. His tears had begun to dry on his cheeks as there were no more tears to shed. Michael was wrong to think he was ever deserving of Jeremy. He was… nothing compared to him.

Michael closed his eyes and imagined what it would be like if he could just disappear, right here right now, leaving no trace of his existence behind to burden anyone. Everyone at the party wouldn’t know otherwise of the boy in the bathroom who disappeared during a party, never to be seen again.

Everything was red now, a burning brick red. The walls of the bathroom were lit up by the flames engulfing the room and from the bath Michael watched the hypnotic fire. Maybe it would take him away. Maybe this was his escape.

“Michael…” he faintly heard a voice but chose to ignore it and continued to stare at the bright yellow flame in front of him. He wondered what his parents would say, to find their son had died a miserable death in a house fire at a party. Not that they would care, Michael barely knew them they were so distant. Maybe they wouldn’t even notice.

“Michael!” The voice was a louder now and Michael could recognise it. He wish he hadn’t.

“Please… just leave me alone.” He pleaded helplessly, knowing all too well who that voice belonged to. No, this was for the best. If he disappeared, Jeremy wouldn’t have to worry about him being around anymore. He could get even more popular, make even more friends and have a better life without Michael. With that thought in mind, he slowly began to reach towards the flames.

No one needed Michael. No one even knew his name. He was nothing, nothing to Jeremy. Just a boy in a bathroom-


Michael’s eyes snapped open and immediately his brain processed what had happened. It was a dream - a nightmare. Michael wasn’t back at last year’s Halloween party, he wasn’t left alone in the bathroom or surrounded by the burning building. Michael was in bed with his boyfriend Jeremy, clinging tightly to his t-shirt and he slowly came back to reality. He noticed his cheeks were moist, he was crying in his sleep. Jeremy must have noticed and woken him up.

Slowly, he looked up to meet his boyfriend’s bright blue eyes, his iconic dimples, his calming radiance. It was all there, and it was all his.

“Michael are you… are you ok? You started shifting in your sleep and then I noticed you were crying so I tried to wake you up and-”

Michael cut him off with a quick peck in the lips and pulled away to lock eyes with Jeremy. He smiled, curling himself tightly around him. Everything was perfect.

“I love you Jeremy.”

He felt his boyfriend’s breath hitch for a second before returning the cuddle and closing his eyes, slowly drifting back to sleep.

“Love you too Mike.”

Ah, yes, hello. I’m having some good old fashioned “I’m a burden to everyone” anxiety and depression and if you need me i’ll once again be underneath my desk.
Where is everything you want?

It’s “there” isn’t it? In your mind, your happiness, your perfect relationship, dream job, more confidence, a flat stomach are all “there”. You look at your present circumstance, and see its is not “here”. So, by reason and logic and common sense, you tell me it’s “there”. This is an illusion. And until you understand the relationship between a desire and its manifestation, you shall not be able to manifest very much, and you’ll continue to be unhappy with where you are now in your life or mind. 

To manifest anything, it has to exist first. To manifest is to change a desire into another form. Manifesting is not magic. It exists as an idea, a possibility, mere fantasy… The idea of light manifested as a lightbulb. The idea of humans flying became the plane. Heated food became a microwave. Try to think of one creation that wasn’t an idea in someone’s mind first…. 

So knowing that everything exists first, and is manifested second, takes the burden off of you. There is a Native American teaching that everything you want or need is in the air, and you can merely pluck it out as necessary. This, is like that. 

Eckhart Tolle says thought is the most potent form of energy, it vibrates so high you cannot see it. The truth is everything you want exists now in thought level. Make no mistake about it; it already exists. Catch the feeling, the mood, of what your wish fulfilled would be like. And you cannot help but manifest it into your life. 

*If you’d like the most affordable personal law of attraction e-coaching, read here:*

can’t we have just one day

I want to address the recent freshly picked Discourse in the pharmercy tags because it is something that does involve how i portray her - the depiction of Pharah as “manly” in the way artists have exaggerated her canon figure to be bigger and more muscular. I’m here to give a contrary opinion to “please don’t draw her like that because it perpetuates harmful stereotypes that woc are unfeminine and unattractive” and air out some grievances with fandom as a whole.

Keep reading

to anyone who's autistic

-the amount if socialization you can handle does not determine your worth.

-your special interests are the deepest, most meaningful things in the universe.

-anyone who says your stims are shameful and wrong and gross are wrong. Your stimming is wonderful and you need to know that it isn’t wrong to stim.

-if you’re overstimulated, it won’t be forever. Everything passes, eventually you will be able to find a safe spot.

-your noise sensitivities aren’t a burden. People disrespecting that isn’t your problem, it’s theirs.

-your meltdowns are justified. people should not shame you for having a meltdown, especially if they are a cause of it. 

-it’s okay that you exist. You were born to take up space and your existence isn’t a burden because it’s different.