the bottoms of barrels

Horizon: Zero Dawn, Please Platonically Marry Me

(&:) We’re breaking our long repost/shitpost/unnecessary comment tradition for the sake of the most awesome game we’ve seen in a long, long time. ChristopherOdd’s LP of Horizon: Zero Dawn just ended today and we’ve been licking the bottom of the barrel to try and find new things to watch because the emptiness in our souls is real and profound. This game is so fucking good. It would be pointless to try and list off all the ways in which it is so, so good. If you can get your hands on it, it’s amazing. If you’re broke like us and just like watching vids while eating, COdd’s LP is quite pleasant. (His work is generally a restful breath of fresh air compared to most other LPers I’ve watched.) OMG, it HURTS, how good this game was. It is so overwhelmingly good, all the damn time.

Do you know what one of the most unexpected and wonderful parts of the plot was? NO ROMANTIC SUBPLOT. AT ALL. NOT EVEN THE OPTION TO START ONE. The main character is just an incredibly skilled, attractive, 19-year-old woman who has WAY TOO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO TO BOTHER WITH THAT RIGHT NOW, AND IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE SEEN A MAINSTREAM PLOT DO IN AGES.

THAT DUDE: Gosh, thanks for saving my life, Aloy. You’re amazing. I made special armor just for you. I worked really hard. *___*
ALOY: Wow, nice. Good craftsmanship. Thank you.

THAT OTHER GUY: You are such a mighty warrior that you might even be a mightier warrior than my mom. I am constantly stunned by your badassery. You’re even favored by the local deity. Please allow me to follow faithfully wherever you lead. *_____*
ALOY: Sounds good. How about you manage our defenses out yonder. I’ll be counting on you in that one battle.

THAT SUBPLOT GUY?: Girl, I have never seen anybody who looks as good splashed down in the blood of evildoers as you do. We should partner up together and spend our lives happily taking out human trash all over the world. Also, I look fucking scrumptious in this armor. ;D ;D ;D
ALOY: Wow, you’re kind of creepy and sociopathic. I hope I never have to see you again.

OTHER OTHER GUY: I may be a bumbler with motivational issues, but I have a heart of gold and a lot of enthusiasm! Thanks to your guidance, I’m turning my life around and growing to become a better, more effective human being! How are you amazing like how my sister was amazing?? *______*
ALOY: Good for you. I have faith in your ability to do well from now on.

THAT TOTAL BABE: Allow me to openly hit on you, you super cutie.
ALOY: Allow me to not acknowledge that because I have to fix a civil war and kill robot dinosaurs.
THAT TOTAL BABE: My, I love how you get things done. If I come through here again, I’ll have to Thank You Appropriately~~~
ALOY: *pulls out to-do list and starts plotting map coordinates*

ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: I know my love interest was horribly murdered, but you’ve supported me through my time of trials and I wonder if we could work toward more intimacy.
ALOY: Gee, if you really loved your love interest, perhaps you shouldn’t instantly rebound hard enough to get whiplash.
ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: Damn, you’re absolutely right.
(much later)
ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: Hey, I apologize for hitting on you before. That was really unclassy of me.
ALOY: We’re cool. Just don’t let it happen again.

EVIL SPARTAN VOICED BY CRISPIN FUCKING FREEMAN: HRRRGHH I HATE THIS WOMAN IN THE DEPTHS OF MY BEING AND YET SHE IS SO POWERFUL AND MAGNIFICENT THAT I MUST BECOME OBSESSED WITH SNARING HER AND FANTASIZE ABOUT HOW WE ARE DESTINED TO DESTROY EACH OTHER HRRRGH RRGGGHH
ALOY: You’re being an obstacle, you inadequate scrub. *stab*

CUTE ENGINEER: Your tech-savviness is painfully charming. I am dazzled despite myself.
ALOY: Your enormous weapon is great for killing all kinds of things. Really nice work!
CUTE ENGINEER: I may be a fiercely independent isolationist, but please come back and see me lots.
ALOY: Probably not. Got stuff to do.
CUTE ENGINEER: Well, don’t mind me if I accidentally turn up to fight and possibly die for you at that one big battle. *_____*
ALOY: Reinforcements are always appreciated!

I don’t know if this might be called a canon asexual character. I think you could spin it that way if you wanted to, but I also think that a character shouldn’t have to be asexual in order to just have rational priorities and to thus understandably rate flirting/romance/hookups as really low on the list compared to genocide and world-ending. I really, really like both explanations. I LOVE the lack of an obligatory romance. I EXTRA LOVE how they deliberately included all those characters who crush so hard on Aloy so that she can be completely unconcerned about their dokidoki. I FUCKING ADORE THIS GAME TO PIECES. NUMBER ONE NON-ANIME WAIFU. WILL NOT PRINT ON A DAKIMAKURA COVER BECAUSE I RESPECT ITS UNIQUE INTERESTS AND LIFE AMBITIONS. MY HEART~~~~~ TTT_____TTT

3

Let’s appreciate that Killian Jones, the Captain Hook, realized that he needed to talk to someone about how he was feeling. A man notorious for internalizing his pain and his emotional struggles. A man who, in the past, would  much rather have drown his problems in the bottom of a rum barrel than have anybody share the burden. If this isn’t a sign of growth and emotional maturity, I don’t know what is honestly. It also shows that Killian encouraging Emma to talk to Archie wasn’t some hollow sign of support. He’s practicing what he preaches, holding himself to same expectation he held to Emma. It’s such a big step for him. This was such a huge moment for him on a personal level and it makes me so proud.

Reasons why The LEGO Movie is a really, really great movie:

1. It’s got a super great message!
2. There’s not a single character you can genuinely dislike
3. There are tons of celebrities from famous and iconic shows and movies voicing the characters, like Chris Pratt, Liam Neeson and MORGAN FREEMAN, etc
4. EVERYTHING IS AWESOME
5. Everything is from the perspective from an 8 and a half year old
6. THERE ARE NO FART JOKES OR TOILET HUMOR THANK YOU LORD
7. “When you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel, you find yourself with a Will Ferrel.” A quote from the character he voices in the behind the scenes video.
8. THERES A BAD COP AND A GOOD COP THAT ARE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON WITH TWO FACES
9. Nods to the older lego sets, with the 1980-something space guy, Benny, helmet broken and design scuffed
10. THE VILLIAN IS NOT KILLED OFF.
11. Scribble Cop is precious and he must be protected at all costs.
12. Emmet’s ending speech makes me tear up everytime. “You… don’t have to be… the bad guy. You… are the most talented. The most interesting. The most important person of all time. And you are capable of amazing things. Because you are the Special. And so am I. And so is everyone. The prophecy is made up. But it’s also true. It’s about all of us. And right now, it’s about you. And you, still, can change everything.”

Waluigi

Editor Henry Gilbert titled his section “Waluigi: The worst character ever”, suggesting that the creation process involved the developers of Mario Tennis having no one to fill the final character slot, and conceiving him as an “evil Luigi”. He describes such an act as “plunging to the bottom of the intellectual barrel”. He also calls Waluigi “disgustingly tall and thin” as opposed to Wario, whom he calls a “fatass”.

Link

Happy Birthday!!!

So today is @tylertheinnovator ‘s birthday so I wanted to share a quick birthday drabble ^_^ I know you like Marichat and Coffee shop AUs so here you go. Hope you like it! 

(Not Gonna lie I got way more invested with this than I should have and am tempted to turn it into a short story) 


“Coffee for… Seriously? Ima Catch?  Really scraping the bottom of the barrel today aren’t we Chat?”

Marinette smile and she held out the large black coffee to her favorite regular customer as he smirked proudly from his place lounging against the pick-up counter.

“What can I say princess? Sometimes you gotta just go with the classics.” He took the coffee from her and immediately put it down on the counter, instead catching her hand and placing a delicate kiss on her fingertips. “So tell me Marinette, have you finally decided to take pity on this poor stray and agree to one, measly date?”

“Yes! Please, for the love of God yes!” Alya called out from the far side of the counter, much to the surprise of the customer she was assisting.

Marinette could feel her cheeks burning and Chat tried and failed to reign in his laughter.  

“It looks like someone is on my side at least,” he teased.

“And I told both of you, I don’t date guys who’s names I don’t know,” she replied, although her traitorous hand had yet to pull away from his. He had now begun rubbing his thumb in soft, delicious circle against her skin.

“I told you before, I promise- cat’s honor- I will tell you my name, address, hell my whole life history- at the end of our first date.”

“Why not just tell me now so that you actually have a shot at said date?” she asked for the dozenth time, wondering what absurd excuse he would give this time for the continued anonymity.

Instead of the teasing smile she was expecting, his whole demeanor drooped, his eyes dropping to their joined hands. “Because if I tell you, you are going to say no.”

Marinette gaped at him in surprise wondering what sort of secret could possibly be so terrible that it would make her instantly turn away a charming, good looking, and- if the number of coffees he had purchased over the last two months of their acquaintance where anything to go by- decently well off young man.

Before she could ask him something to that effect, a high pitched squeal echoed through the small café. Marinette could feel her entire body tense in loathing. She knew that squeal.

“OH MY GOD! ADRIKINS!!! IS THAT YOU!!” Shrieked Chloe Bourgeois, bounding into the shop with the same domineering arrogance that she had displayed all throughout their school years.

“Adrikins?” Marinette couldn’t help but snicker at the horrifying pet name, wondering what poor soul was being forced to suffer the affections of her long time enemy.

Chat when pale before literally face planting himself against the counter, his head buried under his arms as he muttered incoherently.

Oh…

“Adrichou I haven’t seen you in- Oh my God it’s you.” Chloe’s cheerful façade dropped as she caught sight of Marinette.

“Hello Chloe.”

“Hello Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

“Is it really necessary to use my entire name? We have literally known each other since we are five.”

“Adribear,” Chloe said pointedly ignoring Marintte, “what are you doing here of all places?”

The miserable lump on the counter didn’t reply, instead he just let out a low frustrated moan.

Marinette decided to take pity on her poor friend. If she had Chloe chancing her around making up embarrassing pet names she would probably have resorted to an alias too.

“Given how this is a coffee shop, I would assume he is here to get coffee.” Marinette said flatly, putting a hand protectively on Chat shoulder and holding back a smile when his hand clamped over hers like a life line.

“Adrien hates coffee.” Chloe replied, rolling her eyes at Marinette as if this was common knowledge.

“You do?” Marinette asked surprised, looking down at her still cowering friend. She tried to remember if she had ever actually seen him drink any of the dozens of coffees he had ordered. Unfortunately her brain was a little preoccupied screaming Adrien, Adrien, Adrien, over and over, as if she might forget his name if she didn’t drill it into her memory. Adrien. It suited him.

“Please don’t hate me,” he moaned, burying himself somehow even deeper into the protection of his arms.

“Adrien what are you…” Chloe began and then looked back and forth between him and Marinette with a look of mixed comprehension and horror. “Oh Adrien tell me you didn’t.”

“Please go away,” Chat… no Adrien, pleaded.

“Adrien Christophe Agreste I can’t believe that you are slumming it with some waitress!”

“Uh, the term is barista, and he is hardly slumming,” Alya introjected angrily having finally finished off the last of the customers and hurried over to observe the drama, “plus anything would be considered and upgrade after you.”

Chloe and Alya glared at each other, but Marinette was too distracted by Chloe’s latest statement to care.

“A-Agreste?” she stuttered, and felt Chat-Adrien- grasp her hand even tighter as if terrified she was going to disappear.

“Yeah, Adrien Agreste, son of fashion icon Gabriel Agreste, ring any bells?” Chloe spat. “And here I thought you wanted to be a fashion designer.”

Oh it rang plenty of bells.

Marinette was sure she was a brilliant shade of red as Adrien finally looked up at her apologetically.

Her mind flashed back to the first conversation she had ever had with “Chat Noir”, she had been in the middle of a long and very loud rant with Alya about… oh God…

“You said you don’t believe in dating co-workers,” Adrien muttered, his own face a brilliant scarlet. “So I figured…”

“Really Adrikins,” Chloe interrupted, not having listened to a word Adrien said, “what has gotten into you lately? I mean a couple months ago you were pining over some intern of your dad’s and now you’re mooning over Marinette of all people.”

Adrien dropped his head back to the counter as Marinette let out a long unintelligible shriek.

“Marinette, didn’t you start interning at Gabriel a few months ago?” Ayla asked slyly.

“Just kill me now.” Adrien groaned.

PewDiePie posted the “death to all Jews” Fiverr video days after a wave of coordinated bomb threats were called in to Jewish Community Centers across the US. Yet a bunch of his American fans are here telling me to shut up and take a joke. Sorry, I don’t find “death to all Jews” to be either funny OR a “bottom of the barrel” statement that ~no one~ would ever say when we are receiving calls at our community centers from people who are threatening to slaughter Jews. It’s not funny, and all of you defending him need to shut up and pay some fucking attention to the “actual antisemitism” you keep telling me I’m belittling and realize why PDP isn’t helping.

Where were ya’ll when Emeraude disrespected black fans and was ignorant in her refusal to apologize to us? But NOW that she denounces Izzy as latinx, she’s suddenly “officially” cancelled. Naw. This is why it’s literally so hard to be black in fandoms. No one cares when we get treated like shit, we are seen as angry black fans when we call out blatant racism, and then we get blamed for a show decreasing in ratings and not doing well when it does NOTHING for the black community and we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel to see our Black characters on the screen. 

Gun Shots in TLD

1st- Right Before it pans to John in Bed

2nd- blink and you miss it. Sherlock is on the bridge after he says, “Its not who will miss it.”

Then we get this shot of the London Aquarium (excuse the status bar please) 

3rd gunshot

4th- Euros

5th- right after Euros, right before the credits

Did you notice anything different about two of those guns?

#2 and #4 are the same. There is an extra piece of metal at the bottom under the barrel opening. #1,#3,#5 are all the same. 

We’ve also got Euros wearing this when she shoots John (#2 ):


But the person with the other gun in shots #1, #3, & #5 is wearing a dark long sleeve shirt.

It’s not Norbury because she has a white shirt under her jacket cuff and the trigger of the gun is different.

Its not Mary either, because she is left handed and wearing gloves when she shot Sherlock:

However, there is someone who was wearing a black jacket and made a shot that looked similar to this ( thanks @tango-juliett-lima-charlie for the image!) 

According to Mofftiss, we’re about to get the story they’ve been telling us from the beginning. I think we’re all in for quite a ride.

EDIT TO ADD Additional Interesting Commentary

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My dad was a huge drunk, just bottom of the barrel, terrible, one of the worst. He was a disaster of a drinker. It ruined his life. It was bad - he could not hold a job as a bartender. He was a janitor and he couldn’t even do that. The only job he could hold was to clean up the bar from 4 in the morning to 7 in the morning, which is when they would open, if that tells you what kind of bar it was. So he’s just there mopping the floor and drinking for a few hours. Then he’d come home and sleep it off and drink all day. I mean, nothing but boozing. It wrecked his body. It devastated his life.

He left when I was 9 but we got dropped off at his place to see him once a week. He’d be passed out or vomiting or all bruised up from some alcohol seizure. Brutal things you don’t want your kids to see. We’d go for a night, order pizza and have dinner, he’d sleep through it. We’d watch the little black-and-white TV. Pretty rough.

I was going to Alateen meetings in church basements since I was 12, 10 years old. It was nice because no one else was talking about it and it was a way of understanding what was happening at home - that it wasn’t my fault. They would do things, like, kids acting out scenes and roleplay as a way of expressing the things that are happening at home. So you’re there with a bunch of other kids and they’re pretending to be their parent and you’re seeing things that are happening in your house that were scary. You get a sense that you’re not the only one. My mom would drive us over there and drop us off. In New England, it gets dark at three in the afternoon. [laughing] I remember these cold afternoons in the basement of some church - a bunch of kids talking about this crap and it was bleak.

He got sober when I was about 14. He came out to California which may as well have been Mars to me. I didn’t know where it was. He went to a rehab out in Palm Desert, a state-mandated place that has the feel of a prison, and stayed there for 12 years - no kidding! He felt like if he left, he would drink. He had to be there so he got a job working there, after being a resident. He helped guys get their GED. My dad’s really smart and he counselled men there. And then finally he left and he moved to Savannah, Georgia. That was a big deal for him. He’s doing great - still sober. He did it, man! If he can do it, anybody can do it!

How did Ben and I get through it? A little adversity, if you make it through, is okay. It makes you stronger and resilient in some way. Kids are tough. I’d never want to put my kids through what I went through but, if I had to, they’d probably be okay. My kids have no idea what that’s like. If I tell them to turn off the TV, they say they hate me and I’m the worst dad ever. [laughing] I’m like, ‘Let me tell you about the worst dad ever! You wanna hear some stories about how bad a dad can be, I’ll let you know. But in the meantime, turn the TV off and go clean your room.’

So it’s in our genes and I understand it. My grandmother was an alcoholic. My brother spent some time in rehab. I’d go visit my dad when I got older. I drove out here and it’s where I got to know him for the first time, more or less, because he was sober for the first time. I got to hang out there at the ABC Club rehab. And then visiting my brother up at the more posh Malibu rehab - just so many times going to these meetings and sitting in circles and talking about it all. So when it came time, when I realised I had to stop [drinking], I felt I’d already put in all that time so I just kind of white-knuckled it at home and imagined myself in a circle. And it worked. I’m sober for almost three years.

We’d probably just end up disliking each other even harder, you know. You’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, I hope you’re aware of that. @dailyshitjohnny

Wouldn’t you rather badger someone like Giorno for friendship? Everyone inexplicably likes him. Trust me, spend ten minutes in the brats presence and you’ll be having internal monologues about how your life was merely a build-up to meeting him, how he’s suddenly the source of your inspiration, how you respect him far more than any other authority-figures in your life, et cetera et cetera. 

This exact horseshit has happened to five people I know. I’m the only one who seems to be immune. I’d be worried there was something really wrong with me if I hadn’t come to terms with that long ago. Hmph.

Five inks

1. A watery, pale blue ink distilled from unicorn tears. Although popular amongst a certain segment of calligraphers for its romanticism, it is a devil to write with; it splurges wetly from the pen and it is almost impossible to keep your nib from impaling the paper. No unicorns are harmed during its production. Unicorns cry copiously at all manner of things, including videos of people being reunited with their pets, cooking with onions, and sentimental films.

2. A dense black ink derived from the existential crises of megagothic squids. There is relatively little demand for it. Although it is a joy to write with, you should not look back at what you have written or you may find yourself impaled on the horns of a void that also gazes back. Megagothic squids opened the original metaphor mixorium and they will not be silenced, even in ink form.

3. We scrape the bottom of the bottom half of the internet into a specially-constructed scraping-barrel, wrapping it first in a light gauze. After a moderate period for fermentation, we collect the liquid that has gathered and bottle it. Although it is a harsh ink to work with and varies in colour from sepia to mud-green, it is of considerable use when writing to politicians or newspapers.

4. An ink ground from the bones of ghosts. With it you can write a message in the air that will ever after be tied to that place, lurking at the edge of thought for small children, the sensitive or the weary. Or you could draw; the standard-issue grey lady is very popular, but there are also a few Banksy imitators working in ghost ink.

5. An ink of many colours, obtained by barter with the birds. We do not know quite where they get it from, although there are rumours of owls who dive through rainbows. With it one may write love letters that are only visible in the salmon light of dusk, or make maps.

Hogwarts - Common Rooms

Okay but consider these headcanons about getting into the common room of each house at Hogwarts:

  • when you don’t know password to enter Gryffindor Tower you can challenge the Fat Lady and offer a singing battle and if you win you get in
  • or simply sing along with her in an opera duet
  • or start singing Hogwarts school song as loudly as possible and eventually she will let you in cause it’s the only song she truly can’t stand
  • when it comes to Ravenclaw Tower, if you don’t know the answer for a riddle you either can wait for someone to save your ass or you can challenge the eagle statue by requiring an answer for your question (about some personal shit of yours or distant family members). if the statue doesn;t know the answer (but good luck with beating it, it knows everything) it lets you in
  • also: if you beat it in wizard’s chess (good luck with that too)
  • everyone knows that if you want to get to the Hufflepuff common room you must tap the barrel two from the bottom, middle of the second row, in the rhythm of ‘Helga Hufflepuff’,  BUT if you’re tone deaf or something no worries you can be saved
  • the answer is simple: Devil’s Snare (enchanted by professor Sprout ofc so calm down those one’s won’t kill you)
  • you can either choose to go via the barrel entrance or via the secret door hidden behind Devil’s Snare surrounding the barrels, by simply using Lumos Solem charm (ofc it’s more difficult than tapping, but hey, not everyone was born Bach or Chopin) 
  • to get to the Slytherin common room you need password but if you forget one you can try opening using the word “open” in different languages
  • it’s tricky cause the stone wall is enchanted and chooses different language every day and sometimes it’s really difficult to get in (especially when the Gobbledegook, the language of the Goblins is chosen) and may Salazar bless you if it chooses the northen dialect of it
  • or ancient runes
  • but it will always let you in if you say ‘open’ in Parseltongue 
  • hiss hiss motherfuckers