the book of arnold

- Little bitty drabble for a high school track!AU, courtesy of my friend Amy.

It was totally like a moment from a movie. Arnold’s eyes jumped from the ground to those ankles, those calves, those thighs - weren’t shorts like that against dress code? They were so short, little neon green things that didn’t leave much to the imagination (and Arnold had a great imagination). They were eye-searing and brain-melting and perfect to show off the tanned, toned muscle of the runner’s legs.

The runner, who just so happened to be - of all people- the captain of the boys’ track team: Kevin Price.

Good thing Kevin never knew people like Arnold existed; Arnold never was good at adjusting himself with anything like subtlety.

Be a kid who loves surprises. Squeal with delight over puppies and cupcakes and birthday parties. Be curious, but content. Be loyal, but independent. Be kind. To everyone. Treat every day like you’re making waffles. Don’t settle for the first guy (or girl) unless he’s the right guy (or girl). Live your effing life. Do so with gusto, because my God, there’s nothing sorrier than gusto-less experience. Know yourself. Love yourself. Be a good friend. Be a kid of hope and substance. Be a kid of appetite.
the Book of Mormon a summary:
  • Hello!: We will convert you with our aggressive politeness
  • Two by Two: Stereotypes and white people dancing + Uganda! Where is that?
  • You and Me (But Mostly Me): Self obsession, meet insecurity
  • Hasa Diga Eebowai: Fuck you God + HOLY MOLEY I SAID IT LIKE 13 TIMES
  • Turn It Off: Let's all laugh at your horrible life problems + 50 shades of gay tap dancing
  • I Am Here For You: I kind of feel sorry for you
  • All-American Prophet: Bible story time + I'm basically god + I have maggots in my scrotum
  • Sal Tlay Ka Siti: Beautiful cinnamon roll too god for this world, too pure
  • Man Up: Let's combine all of act 1's songs for an amazing medley that will blow your fucking mind + i have maggots in my scrotum
  • Making Things Up Again: I am a giant fucking nerd who lies a lot
  • Spooky Mormon Hell Dream: Jeffrey Dahmer is having gay sex with my dad + my boyfriend is blowing Hitler + Donuts are scary
  • I Believe: Who needs character development? Certainly not me
  • Baptize Me: Jesus would be proud of all the innuendos
  • I Am Africa: White people. White people everywhere.
  • Joseph Smith American Moses: We're all going to hell + I got the golden plates
  • Hasa Diga Eebowai Reprise: Why the fuck wasn't this on the album????
  • Tomorrow Is A Latter Day: Who needs the church when we can sin + I still have maggots in my scrotum
the book of mormon: a summary
  • Hello!: HELLO WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHANGE RELIGIONS I HAVE A FREE BOOK WRITTEN BY JESUS
  • Two by Two: national stereotypes, forced teamwork, and disappointment
  • You and Me But Mostly Me: over-inflated sense of importance, unrealistic expectations, and more forced teamwork. also elder cunningham is adorable.
  • Hasa Diga Ebowai: fuck you, God
  • Turn it Off: your problems don't exist. everything's fine. there is no war in ba sing se.
  • I Am Here For You: onesided friend crush
  • All-American Prophet: GOD BLESS AMERICA WE'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE *eagle noises*
  • Sal Tlay Ka Siti: well you can't fault her for a lack of optimism
  • Man Up: and you thought Price was the protagonist
  • Making Things Up Again: telling occasional white lies vs. remaining totally honest debate. ALSO HOBBITS.
  • Spooky Mormon Hell Dream: apparently being separated for like a day is worse than Hitler. seriously even jesus thinks you're a dick.
  • I Believe: I AM A MORMON, AND A MORMON JUST BELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEVES (whether those things make any sense or not)
  • Baptize Me: the cleanest song about fucking ever
  • I Am Africa: white, ignorant, privileged SJWs in a nutshell
  • Joseph Smith American Moses: still a better adaptation than the last airbender
  • Tomorrow is a Latter Day: twosided friend crush, all is forgiven, religion brings people together, ALSO DID WE MENTION THE AWKWARD FAT GUY IS A PROPHET
Underrated things from The Book Of Mormon
  • Elder Poptarts
  • Satan implying that all Catholics and Jews go to Hell
  • “He answered your prayers, huh?”
  • the golden plates in “Joseph Smith: American Moses”
  • the mission president
  • the gasps of Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, and Johnnie Cochran when they hear that Kevin broke rule 72
  • the “Hasa Diga Eebowai” reprise
  • “fuck you in the eye!… fuck you in the other eye!”
  • the x-ray of the Book of Mormon in Kevin’s ass
  • “I have maggots in my scrotum” “You should really see a doctor about that” “I am the doctor”
  • Johnnie Cochran playing the bongos in “Spooky Mormon Hell Dream”
  • the entire airport scene
  • “Africa is nothing like Lion King!  I think that movie took a lot of artistic license!”
  • the kraken that shoots Joseph Smith torpedoes that will turn you into a lesbian
  • the insanely fast costume change in “Turn It Off”
  • the fact that Arnold has never read the Book of Mormon