the black one is named cheese

two rotten apples [m]

credit: x.

❛❛we’re next-door neighbors and have hated each other since middle school but now we’re going to the same university how can we avoid the other person like the plague so there isn’t a crime scene— what do you mean you promised my mom you would keep an eye on me???? you fucking planned this❜❜ AU

COUNT → 16.053

GENRE → smut | eventual angst

PAIRING → jungkook | reader

WARNINGS → dom and sub tones | spanking | hair pulling | praising | explicit language | female masturbation | graphic oral sex | penetration

LINKS → 1 | COMING SOON


There was always that one person at parties—that one person who hid in a bathtub somewhere so they didn’t have to contribute to society’s norms of choking on their own vomit and passing out cuddling a pink garden gnome.

Or maybe that was just you.

Then again, it wasn’t just any party you were hiding in a bathtub at—it wasn’t some rager that had frat boys downstairs chugging so much alcohol that their livers probably looked like fucking dried out asparagus—it was your high school graduation party. And maybe you’d attended only the lamest graduation parties in your eighteen years of life, but there was no alcohol here—only fruit punch. Yet, there you were, still hiding in a bathtub for some fucking reason with a piece of chocolate cake balanced in your lap.

You should probably reiterate that it was your party, which makes things worse since normally you don’t hide in a bathtub when you’re the guest of honor.

Normally—but this was not a normal circumstance.

Keep reading

Loved the Power Rangers Movie

It was great. Them becoming friends, training together. It made me cry damnit. Loved the cheese! Was fangirling over the lines from the show. Trying to not spoil it for others is so hard.

The build up for an open to the next movie was good. Can’t wait for a green ranger. It wouldve been nice to see Lord Zedd, I’ll expect that in the next one.

So whats the ship names for Kim and Trini? Billy and Jason?

Learning To Let You Go | Young Sirius Black X Muggle!Reader

English isn’t my first language, so please excuse any mistakes.

A/N: This was supposed to be a fluff, but my mind suggested something a little more sad, then here it is.

Characters: Sirius/fem!reader, James. Remus, Peter and Bellatrix are mentioned.

Warnings: Mentions of death.

(E/C) stand for “Eye color” /(M/N) stand for “Mother’s name”/(F/N) stand for “Father’s name”/(L/B/N) stand for “Little brother’s name”/(H/C) stand for “Hair color”.

Word Count: 3623 words.

He walked through the soft grass, a serious expression on his face and delicate flowers in his hand. The day was fairly beautiful, the sun was shining, but not so much; a light breeze was blowing, but for a moment it made dust fly into his eyes.

It could be a fairly beautiful day for everyone, but not for him.


His eyes moved from one vinyl cover to another. He had never actually heard any of those bands, but the photos looked cool. Sirius stopped in front of one of the vinyls and took it in his hand, analyzing it, the cover had a large mausoleum in the middle with a skull on top and two silhouettes on the bottom, one female and the other difficult to identify. Nice.

Ever since Sirius had left his home to live with the Potters, he’d take some time off from time to time to take a walk in the Muggle world. And that time, his walk had led him to a small vinyl shop, which was hardly noticeable as someone passed in front of it on the street.

Sirius felt he was being watched, lifting his gaze from the vinyl he held to the girl sitting behind the counter, a shy smile gracing her face as her (E/C) eyes stared at him. She looked quickly down at the newspaper she was reading when she noticed he’d caught her staring. Sirius smirked a little, continuing to walk through the rows of vinyls there, but his gaze never really leaving the girl.

Keep reading

Best SLFL Moments: A Masterlist
  • chasing cars cover in Belfast (x)
  • mini 5sos (x)
  • cASTAWAY
  • German hats & breaking records (x) 
  • that one time we died when broken home was played (x)
  • michael eating a muffin on stage (x)
  • MICHAEL PLAYING PIANO
  • Born Again Berlin (x)
  • Tallinn Soars Like An Eagle (x) 
  • lukes pants being unbottoned during the Nagoya show 
  • “my name is Calum and I like pizza” (x)
  • muke lives!
  • synchronized jumps are still very lit
  • Beside You. (x)
  • jet black heart!! 
  • ashton playing bass (x) 
  • calum playing drums (x)
  • merchmerchmerch 
  • Calum talking in Spanish (x) 
  • fucking waste the night
  • Swiss Chocolate, Swiss Cheese (x) 
  • michael’s and luke’s guitar battle during castaway (x)
  • calum is still beautiful in amnesia 
  • all the tour diaries (x) 
  • how to ROCK (x)
  • when wrapped was brought back 
  • Mansfield shenanigans (x) 
  • CARRY ON 
  • Madrid’s Song (x)
  • michael’s star pants that he wore everyday 
  • luke in stripes
  • the posters!! 
  • Calum’s speech at Tinley (x) 
  • when they put catch fire on the setlist!!11!! 
  • all the hq’s!! 
  • IF YOU DON’T KNOW (x)
  • Luke teaching us how to count (x) 
  • the soundchecks! (x)
  • When michael couldn’t sing because everyone was cheering before jet black heart
  • 5sos running to the venue next door to see ACDC
  • France off! Take my pants off! (x)
  • Hot Damn, Amsterdam (x)
  • All the snapchats 
  • Ashton on a scooter in Nashville (x) 
  • hoeg (x)
  • CASHTON 
  • Girls Talk Boys getting LEAKED (x)
  • Girls Talk Boys officially getting RELEASED 
  • Girls Talk Boys getting PLAYED LIVE AT MSG (x) 
  • “You can do absolutely anything!” (x)
  • MADISON SQUARE GARDEN :’) 
  • Happy Birthday Luke! (x)
  • San Francisco (x)
  • Ashton telling the crowd to move closer (x)
  • who wants to kiss Calum? (x) 
  • Covering Wonderwall (x)
  • luke rapping to lose yourself (x)
  • Calum making Michael laugh at the Sydney Show (x) 
  • “We come to concerts like this… and tonight, is about love!” (x)

All in all SLFL was a tour with so many awesome moments, (I couldn’t think of them all!) but each show was special in their own way and 5sos did a kickass job and should be very proud. Until next time… xx  :-) 

100 questions for Swiss people
  • 1: Which canton are you from?
  • 2: Do you identify yourself with the canton you are from?
  • 3: When you tell foreign people where you are from, what do you say to them?
  • 4: When you tell people from Switzerland where you are from, what do you tell them?
  • 5: If you had the opportunity to move to another canton, where would you go, and why, or would you stay where you live now, and why?
  • 6: What's your favourite dialect?
  • 7: What's your least favourite dialect?
  • 8: What do you consider to be the dialect easiest to understand for Germans?
  • 9: What so you consider to be the dialect most difficult to understand, and why?
  • 10: How would you describe your dialect?
  • 11: Do people sometimes mistake you for being from a different canton, and if yes, from where?
  • 12: Are you angry about it?
  • 13: Do stereotypes people have about Swiss people apply to you?
  • 14: What's the stereotype people have about Swiss people that applies most to you?
  • 15: What's the stereotype people have about Swiss people that applies least to you?
  • 16: Are there any 'cantonal' stereotypes that apply to you? If yes, which ones?
  • 17: What's your favourite Swiss tradition?
  • 18: What's your least favourite Swiss tradition?
  • 19: Do you celebrate the first of August?
  • 20: Do you celebrate any local traditions?
  • 21: What tradition do you consider the most ridiculous?
  • 22: Do you think traditions are important for Switzerland, why or why not?
  • 23: Who is your favourite Swiss musician?
  • 24: Who is your least favourite Swiss musician?
  • 25: What is your favourite Swiss band?
  • 26: Bligg or Stress?
  • 27: Züri West or Plüsch?
  • 28: 77 Bombay Street. Yay or Nay?
  • 29: What do you think of DJ Bobo?
  • 30: What about Gölä?
  • 31: Do you like songs which include yodeling?
  • 32: If yes, what's your favourite song?
  • 33: Can you yodel?
  • 34: Who do you consider the best
  • known Swiss musician/band internationally?
  • 35: Who do you consider the best known Swiss musician/band nationally?
  • 36: Your favourite song made by a Swiss musician/band?
  • 37: Your least favourite song made by a Swiss musician/band?
  • 38: An underated Swiss band or musician?
  • 39: An overrated Swiss band or musician?
  • 40: Do you prefer listening to music with lyrics in Swiss German or English?
  • 41: Who is your favourite Swiss athlete?
  • 42: FCB, YB or FCZ?
  • 43: Which athletes can Switzerland be most proud of in your opinion?
  • 44: Who do you think is the best Swiss athlete?
  • 45: If you watch the olympics, are you proud of being Swiss? Why or why not?
  • 46: Do you only watch matches or competitions when a Swiss athlete or team plays or competes?
  • 47: Which athletes make you proud to be Swiss?
  • 48: What's your favourite Swiss movie?
  • 49: What's your least favourite Swiss movie?
  • 50: Who's your favourite actor or actress from Switzerland, acting in Swiss movies?
  • 51: Did you watch Pingu when you were younger?
  • 52: Do you like Pingu?
  • 53: If you could redo any Swiss movie, which would you choose, and what aspects would you change?
  • 54: Which is your favourite traditional Swiss dish?
  • 55: Your least favourite?
  • 56: If you could change the name of a Swiss dish, which one would you pick and how would you call it?
  • 57: If you could pick any dish and make it the new national dish which would have to be eaten every 1st of August, which would you take?
  • 58: Emmentaler. Yay or nay?
  • 59: Swiss cheese, or cheese from other countries?
  • 60: Your favourite Swiss cheese brand?
  • 61: How high is you monthly consumption of chocolate?
  • 62: Cailler, Frey or Lindt?
  • 63: Swiss chocolate or are you a traitor (just kidding)?
  • 64: Your favourite Swiss chocolate brand?
  • 65: Black, white or milk chocolate?
  • 66: Do you like filled chocolate? If yes, what is your favourite filling?
  • 67: Do you like chocolate with alcohol
  • 68: Which party do you think alligns the best with your views?
  • 69: Are you politically involved?
  • 70: What do you think about the people which are in the federal council at the moment?
  • 71: If you could start an initiative right now, what would it be about?
  • 72: If you had your own party, what would your party motto be?
  • 73: If you had your own party, what would your party platform be?
  • 74: Which Swiss politician would you love to spit into the face?
  • 75: Do you like Michelline Calmy-Rays haircut?
  • 76: Would you run for office if someone gave you the option, and pays for everything?
  • 77: Would you swap bodies with Christoph Blocher for a day?
  • 78: Who is your favourite Christoph?
  • 79: Do you like the form of Democracy we have?
  • 80: Do you think an other for of governement would be better?
  • 81: Can you name all 7 federal councillors without looking them up?
  • 82: Do you vote, or plan to vote everytime?
  • 83: Do you think that voting should become mandiatory?
  • 84: Do you think that Switzerland is endangered by immigrants?
  • 85: Do you think that immigrants are important for Switzerland?
  • 86: Do you like to go hiking?
  • 87: Have you ever beenattacked by a cow?
  • 88: Do you prefer going to on vacation in Switzerland or somewhere else and why?
  • 89: Do you support Swiss tourism regularly?
  • 90: Skiing or snowboarding?
  • 91: In which part of Switzerland do you like to go to vacations the most?
  • 92: What's in your opinion the most beautiful place in Switzerland?
  • 93: How many cantons have you visited?
  • 94: Do you get easily annoyed by tourists?
  • 95: Can you imagine to visit the town/city you live in to be interresting for tourists?
  • 96: How many languages do you speak?
  • 97: If you could, what national language would you make mandiatory for everyone to learn?
  • 98: Do you think that it's important to learn an other national language, or do you think that English is enough, and why?
  • 99: Do you consider Swiss German a different language than German, and why or why not?
  • 100: If you had to separate Switzerland in two parts and you'd have to draw one line as a border on a map, where would you put it?
Holy Ground | Jungkook

Scenario: My friend just put me in a shopping cart and wheeled me around the store but they lost control so now I’m covered in dairy products and my back hurts and the cute store assistant looks really concerned and I’m covered in cheese
Genre: Fluff
Word Count: 2,621

.

“Hoseok, I don’t think this a good idea…”

“Of course it is, (Y/N)-ah! It’ll be fun. Trust me. Have I ever let you down before?”

“Actually, yes, and I think I still have that bruise on my knee that says otherwise—!”

Okay, in you go!”

Hoseok!” You protest loudly, but it’s no use, because Hoseok has already lifted you up by the waist, proceeding to dump you rather unceremoniously into the grocery cart. It wouldn’t have mattered how much you fought against his hold, because the end fact remains that Hoseok is and will always be much stronger than you, and trying to fight him is like trying to fight a bull. “We’re going to get in trouble!”

“Nonsense!” Hoseok retorts boldly, readying himself behind the cart, hands moving up to grip the handles. “If you lived life the safe way, where exactly do you think you’d be?”

“Uh, at home without that bruise on my knee?” You counter sarcastically, gripping the sides of the shopping cart for extra measures.

Hoseok pretends not to hear you as he prepares the cart at the end of the aisleway.”Okay, ready to go (Y/N)?”

“I—said—no—!”

Let’s go!”

Keep reading

10

* no one there, it was just me…

* when everything was all black…

* i saw the word, ‘THE END’ above my head…

Quintiliiontales

part 1

part 2

part 3


Quintilliontales intro comic, the au that I’ve talk about it before!

yeah I was finally figure out of the name, I named it Quintilliontales because a rubik’s cube’s possible configurations is over 43 quintillion! holy cheese that’s so much than I thought!

so each configuration is like one tale, so it’s not quintilliontale, but it is quintilliontales

I’m quite excited for making this au, time to work on it! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Archer Sentence Starters
  • “Wow. Open purse, remove balls, huh?”
  • “Sploosh!”
  • “Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.”
  • “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of /I’m punching you./”
  • “A /ruse/, you big dumb idiot!”
  • “RAMPAGE!”
  • “Are we rampaging? I thought we were rampaging.”
  • “How is this suddenly my fault?”
  • “Phrasing!”
  • “Dude, you alive?”
  • “Give me that gun.”
  • “No, you’re agitated.”
  • “If it helps, I puked most of it up.”
  • “Well, don’t just sit there sweating like a gigantic cheese! Do something!”
  • “Man up! Talk to your mother, and then you can go be a bartender and destroy a new marriage every week.”
  • “Why are you wearing silk socks?”
  • “Is that a real question?”
  • “Oh, are they? Or are 5 in a black, and 5 in a slightly darker black?”
  • “The tactical turtleneck. The…/tactleneck./”
  • “Danger zone!”
  • “I don’t know what that means, (name). I didn’t grow up on a cheese farm.”
  • “Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t invent /English./”
  • “How hot am I? Let me answer that: as balls.”
  • “WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY MOTHER’S ROBE?”
  • “So this one starts freaking out and, long story short…I kinda had to drown her in the tub.”
  • “That’s just classic her.”
  • “Oh my God! What shade is that, Crackwhore Red?”
  • “So, the last thing you hear me say is ‘oh my god, they’re shooting at us!’ and you don’t even call me back?”
  • “I swear to God, I had something for this.”
  • “Just the tip?”
  • “Idiots doing idiot things, because they’re idiots.”
  • “I’m scared that if I stop all at once, the cumulative hangover will literally kill me.”
  • “Hey, you wanna smell something?”
  • “Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?”
  • “Well /fuck/ your dolphin, (name)!”
  • “Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.”
  • “Can’t or won’t?”
  • “No, I’ve seen the end of that movie. And, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!”
  • “Who are you, Comrade Question?”
  • “I /am/ drunk, or I wouldn’t be talking to you.”
  • “Now let’s go bury this dead hooker.”
  • “Are you kidding? Dude. Bros before apparent threats to national security.”
  • “For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
  • “Now what am I going to spread on my toast? Your tears?“
Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs
  • “Dee, I will smack you in the teeth!“
  • “You already sleep with an old man, and for no other reason than you seem to enjoy it!”
  • “I don’t really know how famous it [Mac’s famous mac and cheese] is.“
  • "Everything I do, I do for you.”
  • "I’m standing in the hot one!!
  • Wally Schmidt
  • "Seize the gap! You fat bitch!”
  • Wally Schmidt MUST think they’re gay.
  • "It’s a hot one today isn’t it?“
  • "No, I didn’t hear that [the smoke alarm]”
  • "NEWS FLASH… ASSHOLE! I’VE BEEN HEARING IT THE ENTIRE TIME!“
  • "BECAUSE I HATE YOU!”
  • They’re abusive gay husbands
  • Mac’s wild hair
  • Dennis is so pretty
  • Charlie and Frank’s unexplained Russian hats
  • "Yeah?!“ 
  • "Den~nis~~!”
  • Black–old man
  • Louis C.K. lookin’ Pool guy
  • *Throws mac and cheese plate*
  • *Turns into driveway* “Use your turn signal you fat pig!”
  • *Boys stare silently as Wally introduces himself*
  • "I have to take a piss. Out of my penis.”
  • "His name is old man.”
  • AIR FRESHENERS ALL OVER THE WALL WITH THE TRASH
  • Honey I do” list
  • “…Weird.“ 
  • Wally hallucination  
  •  “You’re eating the dog!“
  •  "I didn’t go to school for that!”
9.5/10 ☆

gail701701  asked:

Don't know how to ask for headcannons, but I'm going with it: Double date: Noah & Brian and Jude & OSCORE. N doodling on B's wrist. O being O. J reminding herself not to onion-pack and N teasing her for doing it anyway etc... Did I do it right? ^_^

you’re doing fine! Idk what I’m doing either lol

So I’m doing this in the future when N&J are in art school (they go to that local one that Oscar assumed Jude went to when they met)

  • They don’t exactly plan it as a “date”
  • But Jude heard about this really cool exhibit in a bigger city a few hours away (idk California geography assume this city exists)
  • so she tells Noah about it, of course, and Oscar because he would like it
  • Brian gets invited too somewhere along the way
  • So they plan a day trip to go see the museum and visit the city, etc.
  • Brian and Oscar can drive but they take the train instead (sidenote: Jude has a license but is a TERRIBLE driver and Noah didn’t even bother taking the test)
  • Noah sketches the people sitting around them
  • Jude warns the others not to touch the poles, armrests, etc because germs and diseases which they tease her about
  • They get distracted looking out the window at the city and almost miss their stop thank clark gable for brian, the responsible human
  • Once they get to the museum they wander around a little
  • Someone will notice something cool about a piece and call the others over to see (Brian kind of follows the others around, caught up in their excitement over the art)
  • Jude’s favorite is a marble sculpture of a dancing girl that looks like it should fall over but instead it seems like the girl is practically floating (guess what it reminds her of?)
  • Noah and Oscar collectively fall in love with an oil landscape viewed through a window with an icy pond cracked in the middle under a vibrant red-orange sky
  • Brian loves an impressionist painting of a telescope on a roof under the stars (he even confirms scientific accuracy of the star placement)
  • No one wants to miss anything so it takes a while before they remember the exhibit they wanted to see, which they passed on the way in
  • Noah makes a beeline for a huge portrait of a bearded smiling man that is covered in so many layers of colorful paint, it looks like the man is poking his head out of the frame
  • The other portraits in the exhibit are each so different it’s like they’ve stepped into a different world
  • An old woman with a flower crown and a watering can
  • A young child painted in pointillism
  • A rendition of a celebrity in only black, white, and silver
  • Long story short they spend all day there
  • It’s dinnertime when they finally leave so they go to a local pizza place
  • Noah and Brian sit on one side, Jude and Oscar on the other.
  • Everyone is hungry so they order two large pizzas, one Hawaiian and one half-cheese, half-guacamole (they were curious. it wasn’t half-bad)
  • They put the order under the name “OSCORE!” The server looks confused, then shouts out the name in a way so similar to the way Guillermo says it that they all burst out laughing bc it’s the funniest thing they’ve heard all day
  • Noah, Jude, and Oscar continue to gush over the art. Noah looks like he’s going to jump over the table, he’s so animated.
  • Noah doodles. At first on the napkins, but they keep ripping so he switches to Brian’s arm. Brian doesn’t want it to rub off so he is careful to keep it there.
  • When they’ve exhausted the art discussion (or at least they’re too hungry to speak and shove food down their throats at the same time), Oscar tells the story of how he found Noah secretly participating in CSA lessons
  • They all have a good laugh
  • Funny how they all could have met earlier than they did
  • When they go to walk to the train it’s chilly out
  • Jude doesn’t mind, she likes cold weather. Oscar pretends to be fine but Jude sees him shivering, then laughs and gives him her scarf.
  • Back on the train Noah leans his head on Brian’s shoulder
  • They take a group picture to add to the many they took throughout the day
  • Jude grins like the Cheshire cat, Oscar’s eyes are closed and he’s sneezing, Brian’s head is cut off, and Noah is asleep
  • Later Jude sets it as her screensaver

wow this got long! hope this is okay idk how headcanons work. Also I lowkey was inspired by the song Explain it at the Coffee Shop by ashton edminster.

The Caucasian's Guide To Black Neighborhoods - by NegusWhoRead by The Race Card

As society enters the utopia promised to us in old negro spirituals, the Bill of Rights and Martin Luther King’s dreams we are beginning to witness this country morphing into a true homogenous melting pot. While we are still a long way away from a post-racial America, neighborhoods across the country are evolving into multicultural mixtures of where white people play Spades, Black people listen to country music and everybody hates Donald Trump. Whether it is gentrification, progressive thinking or the result of the pre-Obama real estate crash, more White people are moving into Black neighborhoods. Harlem is no longer an all-Black mecca and there are scores of White people who are beginning to receive mail at addresses on Martin Luther King Boulevards across this nation.

With this integration comes an array of situations that our Caucasian comrades might not be prepared for. Never fear. As NegusWhoRead has previously guided you through Black cookouts, church services, Thanksgiving dinners and parties, we now offer you our latest installment in our Caucasian Guide series–The Caucasian Guide To Black Neighborhoods.

Probation After you have chosen to move into a Black neighborhood, there are a few things you should know. The most important rule to remember is that living in a Black neighborhood is like getting a job at a Fortune 500 company–you will be on a probationary period. For a period of either 90 days, or until someone inside the neighborhood Illuminati (we will get to this later) gives you the stamp of approval, you are a visitor in this section of town. Even if you have a year lease. Even if you have a mortgage. The side-eye that you receive is because Black people are very territorial of their neighborhoods, and we are predisposed to the same prejudices that White people have when they see Black people. However, our race-based skepticism actually makes us nicer. Because of what we see on TV and movies, we assume all White people are one bad breakup or firing away from becoming a serial killer. I know that’s very prejudiced, but just like how your kin clutch their purses when we pass them in parking lots of Target, Black people will be nice to you for the first three months because they want to be the one person you spare when you go on your shooting spree.

After we get to know you, you can enjoy the full rights and privileges of everyone else in the neighborhood. We’ll invite you to the cookouts (but you still can’t bring potato salad or make the Kool-Aid) and even invite you to our church. The only restriction you will have is that you still won’t be able to use the n-word. Never, ever, ever make the mistake of believing you’re so inside the loop that you can say that. Not even the version with the “a” at the end. I know you are dying to say it, so when James introduces you to his homeboy as “my nigga Brett,” just lower your head, smile, stick out your hand and offer a handshake.

Meeting The Neighbors When you move in, the first order of business should be getting to know your neighbors. There is a right way to do this, and a White way. The right way to do this is organic. You have to holla at them when you go to the mailbox or as you see them on the street. The wrong way to do this is the White way. Do not show up on anyone’s doorsteps with brownies or a homemade pie to introduce yourself. We don’t know you like that. Plus, we don’t know how clean your kitchen is. We (probably wrongly) assume that you let your dogs lick your silverware and you wash your dishes in the dishwasher (which is nastier than feeding your dog with people spoons, in our opinion) because that’s what we see on TV. How else would we know?

We are suspicious of all white people showing up at our houses for no reason. What do you want? Did I order an Apple pie? Then why are you on my porch offering me food? Even if your neighbor is a middle class Black doctor, we assume all uninvited White people are undercover police investigating us for the crime of being Black. Am I under arrest? Is there a listening device hidden in the pie? Are you the Feds, Brett?

All Black neighborhoods are commercial districts Because of the disparities in employment, hiring and the cost of regulation, every Black neighborhood has an underground economy that rivals La Cosa Nostra. I know you believe in the steadfast rules of law governed by zoning boards and city councils, but Black neighborhoods are different. According to the Negro Constitution, every street populated by more than 50% Black people must, by law, have a Black woman who does hair in her kitchen. Why would anyone drive downtown when Sherita can do a quick weave while watching her stories? In fact every barber and beautician in Black America started out in his or her kitchen. It’s like the minor leagues for baseball. There’s also a woman named Pam who runs a complete restaurant out of her house two houses down from you. However, she doesn’t sell “entrees” or “meals.” She sells “plates.” Chicken plates. Sandwich plates. Just plates. They all come with either fries, rice and gravy or macaroni and cheese. Other businesses in your neighborhood include the guy who fixes cars in is backyard, the neighborhood carpenter/handyman/plumber/electrician, and of course, the weed man. That’s Al. You’ll get to know him.

Don’t Ruin Our NeighborhoodThe number one rule for White people moving into Black neighborhoods is to respect their culture. You can live there, but don’t gentrify. I know you want to bring in a Panera bread and a Whole Foods, but you better take your white people shit somewhere else. Al’s Deli has been making sandwiches in this neighborhood for 37 years, and even though his sandwich shop’s health rating averages a C-, and he sells marijuana sacks in the back, we don’t need a Subway Sandwiches here. Once white people start showing up, Starbucks follows and thats when the trouble starts. We know what your plan is–to build high-rise condominiums and market our block as the hot new hipster hangout. That’s why we rob you guys every now and then. There really isn’t much crime here, we have just designated a few local guys to rough random white strangers up every now and then as a preemptive measure from overrunning our community with thrift shops, cupcake stores and ironic White college students looking for adventure. We know what happens when you show up.

If only the Indians had thought of that.

Dignitaries Every Black neighborhood has a list of people who are royalty in their little fiefdom. It is your responsibility to get to know these people and honor them with the respect they deserve:

Miss Mary

Miss Mary has lived on this block since 1943. Her husband passed about 30 years ago, and she has raised 4 generations of children in the same house, all who became teachers, lawyers and businessmen. Her house is always spotless, and smells like cinnamon and lavender. In her old age, Miss Mary doesn’t get out much, except for her daily walk around the neighborhood. When you see her, regardless of what the traffic laws say, you slow down and wave. Also, every time you go to the grocery store it is your responsibility to ask her if she needs anything. All she usually wants is a gallon of milk. Or some eggs. Or a 20-sack from Al’s.

Big Jack

Big Jack will fuck you up. Big Jack isn’t that big, and his name is probably something like Herman, but he runs the block. Every neighborhood has someone who runs it, and it is usually a quiet, no-nonsense guy who works at the local steel mill and wears a wife-beater most of the time. He keeps everything in place, and makes sure there are no shenanigans. The young guys don’t mess with him and he gets respect from everyone. Get to know him.

The young people

make sure you stay cool with them. It’s easy to do. When they are selling that bullshit World’s Finest Chocolate as a high school fundraiser (which should be sued for it’s lying-ass name) buy 5. Pay them to wash your car and cut your hedges. If you have an Xbox let them play because if you are cool with the kids in the neighborhood, you are automatically cool with the parents, which makes you cool with everyone. This can actually cut your probationary period in half.

The Neighborhood Gossip

She is the Fox News of the neighborhood. Like Fox News, she never has all of the facts, but she is entertaining as hell. She knows who’s fucking who, what Pam is cooking today and any bit of news you need to know. This is probably Sherita and her sources come from her customers whose press & curls she does every Friday. She always needs a ride to the store, usually to get beer and some Remy #9 ( Not the liquor, that’s a type of hair, for all my white readers) but you should always give her one, because if someone breaks into your house, she will tell you who did it and where to find your stuff. From there, you just call Big Jack and you’ll be straight. Trust me.

Pets There is one rule you should know about Black people and animals: They don’t give a fuck about your pets.

White people love dogs. Black people love our dogs. Knowing this can prevent a lot of headache. If you’re going out of town, don’t ask one of the kids in the neighborhood to pet-sit. Your little Fluffy will die. Also, don’t try to pet dogs in Black neighborhoods. They bite. You might fuck around and lose a finger. Black pets are companions, family members and bodyguards. We like our pets mean. 83% of the reason Black people have pets is to warn them when White people are approaching. It’s like a pre-doorbell security alarm, because y’all will just pop up at people’s house without calling. We know how y’all do. You haven’t spoken to your mother since Thanksgiving 1998 but you act like your neighbors are blood relatives.

Also, when your Black neighbor visits you, don’t assume they are cool with your dog greeting them. Again, we love our dogs, not all dogs. It’s a cultural thing that’s kind of y’all’s fault. Between the police dogs biting us during civil rights marches and the drug sniffing dogs locking up Black people disproportionately, we might need a minute to acclimate.
Police When living in a Black neighborhood, one must remember the role of police in Black populations. I know that in White habitats the rule is–the more police, the safer the neighborhood. The converse is true for Black neighborhoods. This is the one area where Black people are politically conservative and believe in small government.
Read the rest at the link..

name: Coon
birthday: July 2
gender: non binary
orientation: Demi
age: 19

favorite soda: Pepsi
favorite candy: Dark Chocolate or kitkats
favorite pizza:  Cheese and Black Olives
favorite salad dressing: Ranch
favorite meal: Lasagna or sushi

best memory:  The day I finally passed Regristry
best friend(s): @wearesurvivxrs @rainhellfire @liikesuperman @necnsigns @tornhonored @perseveransus @soldiier @darckcarnival @justsevenminutes @onearmedsurvivor
best relative: My aunt
best pet: a Newfoundland
best celebrity: Hugh Jackman

one random fact about you: I have a strange addiction to getting denim vests and painting to match a fandom
one random fact about your day: School was canceled so I decided to pick up an extra shift
one random fact about your job/school: My ambulance is squeaky clean now
one random fact about your favorite tv show: Its really dry humor
one random fact you wish was a fact but it isn’t: I am living with my Wife and friends

TAGGED BY: stole from @necnsigns
TAG 5 PEOPLE: ANYONE AND EVERYONE

(online) name: Amy
birthday: October 18
gender: female
orientation: I don’t know and I don’t care
age: 400 years old  

favorite soda: I don’t drink soda and I don’t like soda.
favorite candy: I don’t know…
favorite pizza: Pizza with pineapples, mushrooms, black olives, chicken and cheese (And yes I know I am the only one to like pineapples on pizza, I think it is delicious no matter what anyone say.)
favorite salad dressing: I have only try one salad dressing so Kraft French dressing, I guess?
favorite meal: I have too many…

best memory: I don’t know….
best friend(s): My real life friends
best relative: Don’t have one
best pet: I never had a pet and my brother and dad had fishes….so I don’t know but I assume I would think a dog would be a best pet? Idk really. Or maybe a virtual pet would be the best one who knows.
best celebrity: I live under a rock and don’t know any celebrities

one random fact about you: Uh…I am huggable???
one random fact about your day: Uh…just a normal day though…
one random fact about your job/school: Just normal school and job….
one random fact about your favorite tv show: I have too many favourites so yeah…
one random fact you wish was a fact but it isn’t: I don’t really know, I can’t think of one right now.

Tagged by: @inshadowsandice

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do it

20 QUESTIONS

I was tagged by our dearest and darkest @gothicpagantrash to volunteer random information about myself. There’s no way this can end badly *insert nervous emoticon* Also, a picture of my face so you guys know I still have one. Because I haven’t selfie’d in a while.

Name: Charlotte
Nickname: Luna
Zodiac Sign:  Pisces
Height: 5′ 6″ I believe…
Orientation: AroAce
Ethnicity: I am a meat popsicle.
Favorite Fruit: Fresh sliced peaches, or pineapple, if it comes with cheese!
Favorite Season: Autumn, for All Hallows Eve, but Winter is a very close second favourite. 
Favorite Book:  I, Lucifer by Glen Duncan
Favorite Flower: Iris. I love the strange shape and the bright colour.
Favorite Scent: Fresh baked bread, cut grass, coconut moisturiser
Favorite Color: Royal Blue, Emerald green, Burgundy and I have a penchant for black.
Favorite Animal: Wolves, foxes and cats (all kinds of cats~)
Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate: Hot chocolate because I do not drink the other two.
Average Sleep Hour: Sleep is for the weak. I don’t sleep. I pass out.
Cat or Dogs: All of them. All of the cute. Preference for cats but also, PUPPERS!
Favorite Fictional Character: Fuck, now you’re asking… ummmm! *frowny face* So many characters! Current favourites are: Pitch Black, Bucky Barnes and Credence Barebone. I am missing out a lot here, but if I did include them we’d be here all day! 
Number of Blankets : Three. One duvet, one giant lilac thing that I think looks pretty, and my little unicorn blanket for when Dad’s too manly to put the goddamn heating on…
Blog Created: 2012? I think? Ask @linddzz. I was co-erced into this madness, and I can’t remember when! XD
Number of Followers: 314
Gender: Cis Female
Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw
Favorite singer/band: I listen to far too many to just pick one. Current regulars on my shuffle are Starset, Boy Epic, Hidden Citizens and IAMX.
Dream job: Fuck if I know. Whatever it is, it’s never going to happen so I refuse to waste time on it *shrug* C’est la vie!

I tag: @zinfandelli, @multi-purpose-tool-guy, @forshadowedchaos, @adelaiderain, @hikasho, @linddzz, @only-1-a, @perceptions3key

We live in a time of disorienting change. I think Obama said that. But the Pizza Hut lunch buffet remains the same. And that is a comfort. The buffet is from 11-2 and costs 6.99. It is a great deal. Many promises were made in our country’s founding documents. This is what remains. But it’s not nothing. It attracts the same type of people as it always has, the poor fat families, the elderly, those (like myself) who live on the margins of society. We regard each other respectfully at first but we know what comes next. This is a sport. In this group of losers there are winners and there are losers. People stake out tables near the buffet so they can hop out of their seat and land a fresh slice or breadstick. A pie will not last on the buffet for more than three minutes. The amateurs don’t know this. They sit in the back of the dining room. They are left to feast on the bastard pies, the black olive, the thin crust. Me and someone else begin to request pies. I tell the chef “Get crazy in there”. He becomes Thomas Keller sending out pies with sausage and peppers and BBQ sauce, buffalo chicken, crumbled blue cheese. He even put buffalo wings on one pie. People applauded. A woman began to cry. Alliances began to form. A large woman would pass me and say “pepperoni is out, one sausage, one special (meaning multiple toppings. Can’t stop and name them) new sticks.” I would return the favor by dropping off a fresh Marinara when I passed her table. Her criminally obese children began to play video games and she lost it “We came to eat. Don’t tell me your hungry later. You eat NOW!” The waitress, a small sweet woman, begins to speak quietly as she seems to know the gravity of what she’s about to say. “Many of you have asked about the dessert pies, the Apple and Cherry, we have discontinued them. We have cinnamon sticks but no icing”. She then disappeared quickly. There was an audible grown. One man said “Jesus fucking CHRIST!” I turned to a woman “This isn’t right. Something must be done”. She agreed “Send us out more pies!” An obese toddler began to throw a fit. Her mother began to plead with the woman “She loves the icing. I told her there would be icing”. The worker seemed like she was about to cry “I’m sorry. We ran out”. The worker then consulted a manager and said “We will extend the buffet today till 2:30” and relative calm began to return. A man next to me said “They did the right thing”. I said “There’s no right or wrong here, there’s just competing interests”. He said “I think you’re right,” and ladled ranch dressing over a Hawaiian slice.

Tagged by: @the-plxce-to-be

tagging: @hamil-fam-rp @dearpatsy @theonlyenemy

Muse

Name: Thomas Jefferson

nicknames: Thomas, Tommy, Tjeff, ‘Maccaroni fucker’

Zodiac sign: Aries

Gender: Male

Favorite colors: Purple or Red

Average hours of sleep: 6 hours of sleep or less

Last thing you googled: How to impress someone with Mac and Cheese

Height: 6′3

Mun:

Name: Tj (My real name is hideous and I refuse)

Nickname: Tj, Babe, The Spouse, My dearest Alexander, Tommy

Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

Gender: Genderfluid

Favorite colors: Blue and Black

Average hours of sleep: 2-3 hours

Last thing you googled: How the hell does one impress their friends

Height: 5′7

anonymous asked:

"I don’t know her name, but whoever was Thomas Jefferson’s house cook damn sure invented Macaroni and Cheese. You know TJ just brought the pasta back from Europe and said, “The Italians do this with them, make me something similar.” What came out of that kitchen changed the world. " - wow. Thats what u had to contribute to a post about what black women invented? 'Idk her name but she did some good cooking for Thomas Jefferson.' Gee thanks.

I mentioned it because it makes me so angry that Thomas Jefferson is credited with creating that dish, when we ALL know it was a SLAVE who really did.  And macaroni and cheese isn’t just some good cooking.  It is considered the quintessential American dish.  And that poor woman will remain nameless.  So, sorry for not explaining it in more detail.  One of the most famous comfort foods was invented by a woman who probably knew no real comfort.  And she should be mentioned.  Even if we don’t know her name.  

“He’s talking about The Wild Hunt. About the Ghost Riders. Imagine a night like this, Kira. In storm clouds just like these, phantom hunters would appear. Riding black horses with blood-red eyes. And wolves and hounds at their side, baying and snarling.”-Noshiko Yukimura, “Creatures of the Night”.

Full Disclosure: Ever since this quote came up in episode 1 of Season 5a, I’ve been patiently waiting for Teen Wolf to close the loop and bring the mythology Wild Hunt into the show. My excitement about the potential in this storyline was heightened when hints were dropped that Parrish could be a Hellhound

And then there was this:

(Photo credit to @deathcabjenny, who also put together a nice reference guide for the Wild Hunt here)

Thanks to a careless extra leaking a script we now know that Stiles will be forgotten (presumably because he’s taken by the Wild Hunt) and the younger generation of the pack will be dealing with their classmates being “marked”. After the first leak, I did a search on mythical creatures who marked their victims and then returned for them later and came upon an Irish Unseelie (dark fairy) creature known as the Dullahan. However, I dismissed it as being too obscure. 

And then today, the call sheet was leaked. And I noticed that a “Ghost Rider” was mentioned, and his weapon was a whip. 

Let me give you that description of the Dullahan, which I have immediately revisited (Source Wikipedia):

“The dullahan is a headless rider, usually on a black horse who carries their own head under one arm. The head’s eyes are small, black, and constantly dart about like flies, while the mouth is constantly in a hideous grin that touches both sides of the head. The flesh of the head is said to have the color and consistency of moldy cheese. The dullahan uses the spine of a human corpse for a whip, and its wagon is adorned with funeral objects… When the dullahan stops riding, that is where a person is due to die. The dullahan calls out the person’s name, at which point the person immediately perishes.

There is no way to bar the road against a dullahan—all locks and gates open to them when they approach. They do not appreciate being watched while on their errands, throwing a basin of blood on those who dare to do so (often a mark that they are among the next to die), or even lashing out the watchers’ eyes with their whips. They are frightened of gold, and even a single gold pin can drive a dullahan away.”

So it’s possible that the Dullahan myth is being merged with the Wild Hunt, or there are many different types of Ghost Riders in the Hunt and the Dullahan is just one of them. The Dullahan could also be a scout for the Wild Hunt and may be marking people whom the rest of the Riders will then pick up. The Ghost Rider is labeled as “The Outlaw”, so maybe he’s gone rogue/in opposition to the Wild Hunt who are coming to hunt him down. 

It probably bears mentioning that Unseelie faeries in general really like to kidnap people and force them to do things (though not necessarily via supernatural compulsion). Oh, and if they took a particular liking to you they might decide to keep you as a pet.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do a bunch of research on faerie mythology. 

anonymous asked:

jILY SOULMATE AU PLEASE

Remember that time I asked for prompts and then didn’t use my laptop for the next few days? Oops. Sorry it took so long but here it is! 

Muggle AU. Whenever I read the ‘first words tattoo soulmate aus’ my thought was always: “wouldn’t most people have some form of ‘hello’ as their tattoo?” So basically, this is what happens when you request soulmates. Sorry, Lily, your tattoo is pointless.

Lily waited patiently in the cafe for Remus and his friends to arrive. Remus was in a few of her classes, which led to them studying together, which led to them complaining together, which led to them becoming pretty close. But apparently one cannot become friends with Remus Lupin before getting the approval of his best mates. She took another sip of her tea, figuring it would be a waste to let it get cold, and pointedly ignored the two tiny letters that tarnished her otherwise perfect wrist.

The only other patrons were a couple tucked away in the corner, holding hands and giggling to each other. Lily tried her best to ignore them, to give them the privacy they deserved, but it was hard when they were her only form of entertainment. Even knowing Remus was always, perpetually late, Lily showed up on time and had been waiting for him ever since.

The man stroked the woman’s wrist gently and they grinned broadly at each other. Lily rolled her eyes and focused on her tea again. She didn’t mean to feel bitter toward people who found their soulmates but, seriously, her tattoo just felt like the world was mocking her. No one really notices how often people will say ‘hi’ unless you have it permanently etched on your skin—a constant reminder that ‘hi’ is a fairly common greeting. Classmates, professors, cashiers, bus drivers, neighbors, random people walking their dogs. Lily lost count of how many people could be her potential soulmate.

It also didn’t help that her sister, Petunia, was always bringing up the fact that she had a helpful soulmate tattoo and Lily didn’t. As if ‘pass the bacon’ was something to be proud of. Please.

“Lily!” a voice rang out, disrupting her from her thoughts. She looked up and saw Remus, flanked by three other boys, striding toward her. Two of the boys were engaged in what appeared to be a very intense conversation and didn’t even seem to be paying attention to where they were walking.

“Hey Remus,” she said, smiling in spite herself. She got up to hug her friend.

“This is Peter, James, and Sirius,” Remus said, gesturing to each person. Peter was the only one who made any acknowledgment of Lily, giving her a little wave.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Lily said to Peter. She couldn’t exactly keep up with what the other two were saying but it sounded an awful lot like they were arguing over cheese.

Remus elbowed James in the ribs. James stopped his rambling about the presence of holes in Swiss cheese to throw a distracted “hi” at Lily before resuming his speech.

“Sorry we’re late,” Remus apologized, choosing the seat next to Lily.

“It’s ok,” Lily smiled. “I wasn’t expecting you to be on time.”

“So, Lily,” Peter started, “what are you studying?”

The three of them lapsed into a pretty decent conversation about school and classes and the future. Lily felt like everything was going pretty well until James randomly cut Lily off.

“Are you two dating,” he demanded, apropos of nothing.

“No,” Lily said, taken aback by the ferocity in his eyes. He was fairly attractive with his messy black hair and strong jaw; Lily hadn’t really gotten a good look at him before.

“I don’t believe you.”

“James,” Remus groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you Lily and I are just friends? Guys and girls are allowed to be friends with each other.”

“Yeah, but how can you be friends with someone that hot and not want something more?”

“Excuse me?” Lily asked.

James smiled at her sheepishly. “I just meant… he talks about you a lot. And you’re really hot. It just makes sense that he would be into you.”

“Well, he’s not,” she spat angrily. “And even if he were it takes two to be in a relationship. Unless you think I have no say in whether or not I should be with someone. And if you knew anything about your friend, you would know that he doesn’t want to date anyone right now, anyway. So cut the crap. Guys and girls are capable of being close without wanting anything else, regardless of how hot they may or may not be.”

The boys all stared at her in shock. Maybe she got a bit angrier than the situation warranted—she was fairly sure James’ comments were meant to be some good-natured teasing—but the topic hit a little too close to home. She still hadn’t recovered from her fight with Severus and his accusations of friend-zoning him.

“I—er,” James sputtered awkwardly, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Lily caught a glimpse of his tattoo; it also looked very short but she couldn’t quite make out what it said. “Sorry?”

Sirius started howling with laughter, slamming his fist against the table. “That was great,” he gasped. “I’ve never seen James so flustered. Where have you been all my life?”

He reached out across the table. “Sirius Black,” he said, as if Remus hadn’t already introduced him. Although, he was so focused on the cheese thing, maybe he really didn’t know she already knew his name.

“Lily,” she said automatically, reaching for his hand to shake.

He glanced down at her wrist and smiled. “I see you’re one of the unlucky ones,” Sirius said, dropping her hand.

“Sorry?”

“Your tattoo,” he said, nodding to her wrist.

“Oh. Yeah. Well.”

“It’s alright, I don’t even have one.” Sure enough, when he held up his wrist, it was completely blank. Lily looked at him in amazement. Sirius chuckled. “Apparently those tattoos only indicate who your romantic soulmate is and I’m aromantic.  It’s alright, though. I don’t need some little tattoo to let me know who my platonic soulmate is.”

James slung an arm around Sirius’ shoulder and grinned.

“I was talking about Peter,” Sirius said.

“Don’t be a dick,” James laughed, punching Sirius in the shoulder. “So, what’s yours say,” James asked Lily curiously.

“Hi,” Lily grumbled, holding up her arm. She didn’t see why it was any of his business but she didn’t want to make an even worse impression on Remus’ friends by refusing to tell him.

“Oh, that sucks. Mine’s ‘no.’ Not much better really, considering how often people try to tell me no.”

“And then you never listen,” Remus said.

“Hey,” Peter said slowly, looking between Lily and James. “Weren’t your first words to each other ‘hi’ and ‘no?’”

James crinkled his brows for a second before staring at Lily, his hazel eyes wide behind his thick frames. Lily, on the other hand, was completely unfazed. “I don’t remember,” she said truthfully. “But even if they were, it’s just a coincidence. Everyone says hi.”

-

Four years later, Lily was walking down the aisle, beaming at her soon-to-be husband. She still wasn’t convinced James was her soulmate but she loved him and he loved her and really, that’s all that mattered.

bingualien  asked:

let's talk more kurodai! think about pizza delivery au! we can have them as rivaling pizza stores like that one post I read somewhere where this person ordered from two places and they both arrived at the same time one of them was giving the stink eye and the other was singing why cant we be friends. diff post I read someone ordered online and wrote for the delivery guy to say "ur cute" jokingly the one who ordered forgot about it and when the delivery guy came he was like do i have to say it

I had to write this. I just had to. This is 100% your fault. Here you go.


“So…” Koushi starts nonchalantly. “Did you guys know that Daichi has a crush?”

And then Daichi chokes on his water and spills it all over Asahi. Kiyouko and Koushi give him identical pitiful glares while Yui sighs and hands a tissue box for Asahi that, for some reason, is apologizing for being spat over.

“What are you talking about?” Daichi scowls. “I don’t have any crushes.”

“Yeah, that’s a lie. That’s why this is an intervention.” Koushi grins and Daichi’s blood goes cold. Suga knows. “This is about the bed hair guy.”

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