what did pineapple pizza ever do to u to deserve this treatment
listen to me you godless scum
there are five tastes. salty, sweet, bitter, sour, and umami. or, sorry, that last one is actually pronounced
because it’s actually the best taste of the five. just, like, the best. like, y’know how aang completed the gaang bc he was an airbender but he was also the most powerful of the five of them because in addition to being the airbender he was the goddamn avatar? it’s like that.
Pizza, as one of the single best foods, nay, best things on god’s gay earth, is Umami flavored. it’s savory, it’s got a richness to the cheese and a unique flavor profile intrinsic to the sauce and it’s all held together on top of the dough, which is the best kind of bread because it’s got the highest amount of bread/cubic meter of any bread, and it’s highly customizable bc of it’s modular toppings.
HOWEVER, some have seen fit to abuse this privilege by tainting the beautiful tongue-gasm that is pizza with toppings that are EXPLICITLY outside of the Umami wheelhouse. Pineapple is the worst of these offenders.
pineappel’s a fruit. fruits contain sugars. y’know what category sugar falls into? SWEET. not umami. putting pineapple on pizza is tantamount to putting lemons onto pizza, or apples, or even pretzels. they just don’t belong on that pizza. it’s like driving a monster truck through a ballet recital- both components are all well and good on their own, but when you mix them it’s a sheer unmitigated disaster and someone’s gonna wind up with multiple broken ribs.