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Are you ready for the end of the best game ever made?? My 14 Year Old RPG - THE MARK OF OXIN PART 2

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“…Now that I get a good look… Ya don’t look like yer old man at all. You’re a better man, hundred percent.”

“…See ya, Russell…”

The Uniting Power of Love Triangles! Midlife Dance Crisis!

(So in this party, the male human rogue, the female fetchling mage, and the elf princess are slowly dancing the romantic “will they/won’t they?”. All three are charming, high charisma characters. the mage has been trying to fight years of repression to figure out what her orientation is, the rogue likes the mage but is willing to bow out and play wingman if she decides she’s not into him, the princess is a friendly lass whose natural stoicism makes her hard to read, and both the rogue and mage are wondering if they have a chance with her. This has actually solved more problems than its caused.

Example: The party decided to attend a village dance. The rogue had his dance with the mage, where they both admitted they didn’t know how to dance. Then the princess grabs the mage and hits the dance floor. While the rogue’s taking a break, an incredibly handsome man walks up to him…)

Stranger: Are those two lovely ladies free?

Rogue: …I think they’re taken with each other, if you get my meaning.

Stranger: Well, I’ve been looking for a wife, and the desire for prosperity will change that, I think.

Rogue (Squicked out): …Oh really?

Stranger (Too proud for his own good): I’m the Marquis. I can provide a dowry of 10,000 gold.

Rogue: …Who do you think I am, their dad?

(After he has his fun playing Prince Charming (and getting an admittedly impressive diplomacy check) He eventually backs off.)

Marquis: It would be a blessing to see you again. (leaves)

Mage: Well, I’m going to get a drink.

Princess: [Rogue], would you care to dance?

Rogue: I’d love to. Did you get a look at that mozzarella cheeseball?

Princess: He seemed nice.

Rogue: Yeah, less nice considering he came to me offering a dowry of 10,000 gold.

Princess: Oh you’re joking, I’m not worth that much.

Rogue: Clearly you have a poor estimate of your worth, but seriously, do I look old enough to be your dad?

Princess: Ha! You’re barely old enough to be my baby brother.

Rogue: Heh. Well, (overdramatic bow) “T'was a blessing to share this dance with thee, milady.” (kisses her hand)

Princess: You know he’s gone, right?

Rogue: Eh. *shrug*

(The mage said he looked more like a roguish gentleman than her dad. Jury’s still out on what ship will sail, if any. But all agree that the standoffish paladin dancing with the lustful halfling thief by swinging her around like nunchucks was the best 300 gold ever spent.)

Horizon: Zero Dawn, Please Platonically Marry Me

(&:) We’re breaking our long repost/shitpost/unnecessary comment tradition for the sake of the most awesome game we’ve seen in a long, long time. ChristopherOdd’s LP of Horizon: Zero Dawn just ended today and we’ve been licking the bottom of the barrel to try and find new things to watch because the emptiness in our souls is real and profound. This game is so fucking good. It would be pointless to try and list off all the ways in which it is so, so good. If you can get your hands on it, it’s amazing. If you’re broke like us and just like watching vids while eating, COdd’s LP is quite pleasant. (His work is generally a restful breath of fresh air compared to most other LPers I’ve watched.) OMG, it HURTS, how good this game was. It is so overwhelmingly good, all the damn time.

Do you know what one of the most unexpected and wonderful parts of the plot was? NO ROMANTIC SUBPLOT. AT ALL. NOT EVEN THE OPTION TO START ONE. The main character is just an incredibly skilled, attractive, 19-year-old woman who has WAY TOO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO TO BOTHER WITH THAT RIGHT NOW, AND IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE SEEN A MAINSTREAM PLOT DO IN AGES.

THAT DUDE: Gosh, thanks for saving my life, Aloy. You’re amazing. I made special armor just for you. I worked really hard. *___*
ALOY: Wow, nice. Good craftsmanship. Thank you.

THAT OTHER GUY: You are such a mighty warrior that you might even be a mightier warrior than my mom. I am constantly stunned by your badassery. You’re even favored by the local deity. Please allow me to follow faithfully wherever you lead. *_____*
ALOY: Sounds good. How about you manage our defenses out yonder. I’ll be counting on you in that one battle.

THAT SUBPLOT GUY?: Girl, I have never seen anybody who looks as good splashed down in the blood of evildoers as you do. We should partner up together and spend our lives happily taking out human trash all over the world. Also, I look fucking scrumptious in this armor. ;D ;D ;D
ALOY: Wow, you’re kind of creepy and sociopathic. I hope I never have to see you again.

OTHER OTHER GUY: I may be a bumbler with motivational issues, but I have a heart of gold and a lot of enthusiasm! Thanks to your guidance, I’m turning my life around and growing to become a better, more effective human being! How are you amazing like how my sister was amazing?? *______*
ALOY: Good for you. I have faith in your ability to do well from now on.

THAT TOTAL BABE: Allow me to openly hit on you, you super cutie.
ALOY: Allow me to not acknowledge that because I have to fix a civil war and kill robot dinosaurs.
THAT TOTAL BABE: My, I love how you get things done. If I come through here again, I’ll have to Thank You Appropriately~~~
ALOY: *pulls out to-do list and starts plotting map coordinates*

ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: I know my love interest was horribly murdered, but you’ve supported me through my time of trials and I wonder if we could work toward more intimacy.
ALOY: Gee, if you really loved your love interest, perhaps you shouldn’t instantly rebound hard enough to get whiplash.
ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: Damn, you’re absolutely right.
(much later)
ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: Hey, I apologize for hitting on you before. That was really unclassy of me.
ALOY: We’re cool. Just don’t let it happen again.

EVIL SPARTAN VOICED BY CRISPIN FUCKING FREEMAN: HRRRGHH I HATE THIS WOMAN IN THE DEPTHS OF MY BEING AND YET SHE IS SO POWERFUL AND MAGNIFICENT THAT I MUST BECOME OBSESSED WITH SNARING HER AND FANTASIZE ABOUT HOW WE ARE DESTINED TO DESTROY EACH OTHER HRRRGH RRGGGHH
ALOY: You’re being an obstacle, you inadequate scrub. *stab*

CUTE ENGINEER: Your tech-savviness is painfully charming. I am dazzled despite myself.
ALOY: Your enormous weapon is great for killing all kinds of things. Really nice work!
CUTE ENGINEER: I may be a fiercely independent isolationist, but please come back and see me lots.
ALOY: Probably not. Got stuff to do.
CUTE ENGINEER: Well, don’t mind me if I accidentally turn up to fight and possibly die for you at that one big battle. *_____*
ALOY: Reinforcements are always appreciated!

I don’t know if this might be called a canon asexual character. I think you could spin it that way if you wanted to, but I also think that a character shouldn’t have to be asexual in order to just have rational priorities and to thus understandably rate flirting/romance/hookups as really low on the list compared to genocide and world-ending. I really, really like both explanations. I LOVE the lack of an obligatory romance. I EXTRA LOVE how they deliberately included all those characters who crush so hard on Aloy so that she can be completely unconcerned about their dokidoki. I FUCKING ADORE THIS GAME TO PIECES. NUMBER ONE NON-ANIME WAIFU. WILL NOT PRINT ON A DAKIMAKURA COVER BECAUSE I RESPECT ITS UNIQUE INTERESTS AND LIFE AMBITIONS. MY HEART~~~~~ TTT_____TTT

The not so sneaky rogue

So I was playing my first game of D&D 5E with a few older friends, and we’re doing the Mines of Phandelver. We’re a quite nice little party - a human wizard, an elf ranger, and me, a halfling rogue.

We’re down in a cellar complex which is huge and mazelike, and we’re treading very carefully, searching every tunnel, every corridor, every room twice for traps and hidden enemies. We’ve survived so far, and we’re actually beginning to feel like we could do this, that we really could save the world, or whatever.

And we come to a corridor which stops in the middle of nowhere, no door, nothing, just a wall. So we do a check to see if there’s anything fishy about this corridor and sure as hell, there is.

Me, being the extremely calculating, calm and smart rogue (obviously not.) decide to sprint and tackle through the wall. My friends look at me like I’m stupid but I proceed to do it anyway. This is my moment.

So I rush forward and break through the dirt wall and fall headfirst….

…into a room with four quite strong enemies who jump at the sight of me, drawing their swords. I realize that this was quite frankly not a good idea. I know that I have to do something, or else we’ll have to deal with a battle where the odds are totally against our favour.

So I roll for a bluff. I mean, can’t get worse than this, can it?

“Hey guys, I was just looking for the bathroom!” I blurt out as I stand up and brush some dust off myself.

I roll a 19.

“Oh,” they answer, the tension sinking along with any fears I had before. “It’s just down there, to your left.”

With that, they leave the room. My friends and I cheer like idiots. I feel like I’m the best friggin rogue ever.

GM: “Okay, roll your Mechanics check to cut the feed.”
Mechanic: “15.”
GM: “Not good enough- it’ll take another round.”
Mechanic: “Crap. I need a distraction, you guys!”
Professor: “Okay, I’m in Mission Control, I’ll stand up and… Uh…”
GM: “Time is ticking down, what are you going to do?”
Professor: “I, uh… I sing The Banana Boat song!”
GM: “I’m sorry, you what?”
Professor: “You know, Day O?”
GM: “…fine, fuck it, roll Perform (Sing).”
Professor: “Oh, excellent, I put ranks in that.”
GM: “Of course you did…”

I swear, Legends of Tomorrow is the best RPG group as a TV show ever.

Breath of Fire IV

Have the biggest urge to play through Capcom’s PS1 JRPG ‘Breath of Fire IV’ again.

I still can’t believe physical copies of the PS1 game are going for over 200$ USD, good grief. I could never sell my own copy, it’s too precious and filled with childhood memories! ;-; Wish it would come to Steam..

Hey this is just a little heads up that LISA: The Painful RPG is one of the best games I’ve ever played.

If you can stand some body distortion, pixelated blood, phallic imagery, and mentions of rape and CSA (not outright, but heavily implied) then I think you’ll enjoy one of the most unique and compelling games ever made

In LISA you play as Brad Armstrong, a man living in an apocalyptic world in which all women disappeared one day with no explanation, who one day finds an abandoned newborn girl and takes her in to raise as his own.

I’m going to stop the synopsis there because I don’t want to spoil any more than that but trust me stuff gets crazy and its amazing.

This game sorta flew under the radar because it’s a weird pixel-based rpg that came out less than a year before another popular indie rpg which overshadowed it quite heavily. (COUGH COUGH)

The game deals with some very dark themes, but has just as much wit and absurdity to not make the game feel overly-depressing (at least, on the surface)

Also if you like Death Grips at all you’ll love the music in this game.

In short; go play LISA so i can have someone to talk to about it ;_;

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I’m loving my new summer garb. I threw this together because it was too damn hot out to wear my full quilted red kit, ended up with the kind of look that screams “I’m higher level in this RPG than you” and tbh… what an aesthetic