Horizon: Zero Dawn, Please Platonically Marry Me
(&:) We’re breaking our long repost/shitpost/unnecessary comment tradition for the sake of the most awesome game we’ve seen in a long, long time. ChristopherOdd’s LP of Horizon: Zero Dawn just ended today and we’ve been licking the bottom of the barrel to try and find new things to watch because the emptiness in our souls is real and profound. This game is so fucking good. It would be pointless to try and list off all the ways in which it is so, so good. If you can get your hands on it, it’s amazing. If you’re broke like us and just like watching vids while eating, COdd’s LP is quite pleasant. (His work is generally a restful breath of fresh air compared to most other LPers I’ve watched.) OMG, it HURTS, how good this game was. It is so overwhelmingly good, all the damn time.
Do you know what one of the most unexpected and wonderful parts of the plot was? NO ROMANTIC SUBPLOT. AT ALL. NOT EVEN THE OPTION TO START ONE. The main character is just an incredibly skilled, attractive, 19-year-old woman who has WAY TOO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO TO BOTHER WITH THAT RIGHT NOW, AND IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE SEEN A MAINSTREAM PLOT DO IN AGES.
THAT DUDE: Gosh, thanks for saving my life, Aloy. You’re amazing. I made special armor just for you. I worked really hard. *___*
ALOY: Wow, nice. Good craftsmanship. Thank you.
THAT OTHER GUY: You are such a mighty warrior that you might even be a mightier warrior than my mom. I am constantly stunned by your badassery. You’re even favored by the local deity. Please allow me to follow faithfully wherever you lead. *_____*
ALOY: Sounds good. How about you manage our defenses out yonder. I’ll be counting on you in that one battle.
THAT SUBPLOT GUY?: Girl, I have never seen anybody who looks as good splashed down in the blood of evildoers as you do. We should partner up together and spend our lives happily taking out human trash all over the world. Also, I look fucking scrumptious in this armor. ;D ;D ;D
ALOY: Wow, you’re kind of creepy and sociopathic. I hope I never have to see you again.
OTHER OTHER GUY: I may be a bumbler with motivational issues, but I have a heart of gold and a lot of enthusiasm! Thanks to your guidance, I’m turning my life around and growing to become a better, more effective human being! How are you amazing like how my sister was amazing?? *______*
ALOY: Good for you. I have faith in your ability to do well from now on.
THAT TOTAL BABE: Allow me to openly hit on you, you super cutie.
ALOY: Allow me to not acknowledge that because I have to fix a civil war and kill robot dinosaurs.
THAT TOTAL BABE: My, I love how you get things done. If I come through here again, I’ll have to Thank You Appropriately~~~
ALOY: *pulls out to-do list and starts plotting map coordinates*
ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: I know my love interest was horribly murdered, but you’ve supported me through my time of trials and I wonder if we could work toward more intimacy.
ALOY: Gee, if you really loved your love interest, perhaps you shouldn’t instantly rebound hard enough to get whiplash.
ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: Damn, you’re absolutely right.
ACTUAL KING OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD: Hey, I apologize for hitting on you before. That was really unclassy of me.
ALOY: We’re cool. Just don’t let it happen again.
EVIL SPARTAN VOICED BY CRISPIN FUCKING FREEMAN: HRRRGHH I HATE THIS WOMAN IN THE DEPTHS OF MY BEING AND YET SHE IS SO POWERFUL AND MAGNIFICENT THAT I MUST BECOME OBSESSED WITH SNARING HER AND FANTASIZE ABOUT HOW WE ARE DESTINED TO DESTROY EACH OTHER HRRRGH RRGGGHH
ALOY: You’re being an obstacle, you inadequate scrub. *stab*
CUTE ENGINEER: Your tech-savviness is painfully charming. I am dazzled despite myself.
ALOY: Your enormous weapon is great for killing all kinds of things. Really nice work!
CUTE ENGINEER: I may be a fiercely independent isolationist, but please come back and see me lots.
ALOY: Probably not. Got stuff to do.
CUTE ENGINEER: Well, don’t mind me if I accidentally turn up to fight and possibly die for you at that one big battle. *_____*
ALOY: Reinforcements are always appreciated!
I don’t know if this might be called a canon asexual character. I think you could spin it that way if you wanted to, but I also think that a character shouldn’t have to be asexual in order to just have rational priorities and to thus understandably rate flirting/romance/hookups as really low on the list compared to genocide and world-ending. I really, really like both explanations. I LOVE the lack of an obligatory romance. I EXTRA LOVE how they deliberately included all those characters who crush so hard on Aloy so that she can be completely unconcerned about their dokidoki. I FUCKING ADORE THIS GAME TO PIECES. NUMBER ONE NON-ANIME WAIFU. WILL NOT PRINT ON A DAKIMAKURA COVER BECAUSE I RESPECT ITS UNIQUE INTERESTS AND LIFE AMBITIONS. MY HEART~~~~~ TTT_____TTT