the ballacks

The most important shit you should know about The Germany National Football Team™ (yes suck it  up americans, i'm callin’ it football not soccer)

[Warning: long long post]

○ Alright so the official title of the team is “deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft der Männer”, lit. “german national football team of men”. I guess. But that’s a tiny bit too long so there are several “nicknames” too, namely: “Die Mannschaft” (”the team”), “Nationalelf” (”national eleven”), DFB-Elf (”DFB eleven”), DFB-Auswahl (”DFB selection”) and DFB-Team (”DFB team”). [DFB is the “deutscher Fußballbund”, so the German Football Association btw]. {Yes, we’re very creative, I know}.

○ Head coach: Joachim Löw (since 2006) (or: Jogi Löw, that’s his nickname)

This is him. He has resting-bitchface syndrome but we still love him.

○ Captain: Bastian Schweinsteiger (since 2014) (nickname: Schweini)

Apparently it’s impossible to pronounce his name when you’re not German.

○ Top Scorer: Miroslav Klose (71) (nickname: Miro Klose)

Literal cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure.

○ Most caps: Lothar Matthäus (150) (nickname: Loddar)

Known for his like 300 ex-wifes lmao

○ current FIFA ranking: 4. (2nd June 2016)


Appearances: 18 (First in 1934)
Best result: Champions in 1954, 1974, 1990, 2014


Appearances: 12 (First in 1972)
Best result: Champions in 1972, 1980, 1996


Appearances: 2 (First in 1999)
Best result: Third place, 2005




○ Manuel Neuer (nickname: Die Wand = the wall)

- #1

- 30 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 69 ayyy B)

- an actual meme and probably proud of his meme status too

○ Bernd Leno

- #12

- 24 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Marc-André ter Stegen

- #22

- 24 years old

- goals: 0

- caps:  6


○ Shkodran Mustafi

- #2

- 24 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 11

- my bae

○ Jonas Hector

- #3

- 26 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 18

- squishy

○ Benedikt Höwedes

- #4

- 28 years old

- goals: 2

- caps: 38

○ Mats Hummels

- #5

- 27 years old

- goals: 4

- caps: 49

- everybody’s crush probably

○ Emre Can

- #14

- 22 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 6

○ Jonathan Tah

- #16

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Jérôme Boateng

- #17

- 27 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 63

- i wanna be his neighbour


○ Sami Khedira

- #6

- 29 years old

- goals: 5

- caps: 64

- the fact about him that EVERY german knows: he dated Lena Gercke (a german model)

○ Bastian Schweinsteiger (nickname: Schweini)

- #7

- captain

- 31 years old

- goals: 24

- caps: 118

- can’t act to save his life

○ Mesut Özil

- #8

- 27 years old

- goals: 19

- caps: 77

- the fact about him that EVERY german knows: he dated Mandy Capristo (a german singer)

○ André Schürrle

- #9

- 25 years old

- goals: 20

- caps: 55

- everybody’s crush probably #2

○ Lukas Podolski (nickname: Poldi)

- #10

- 31 years old

- goals: 48

- caps: 129

- you either loveor hate him, there is no in between

○ Julian Draxler

- #11

- 22 years old

- goals: 2

- caps: 22

○ Thomas Müller

- #13

- 26 years old

- goals: 32

- caps: 75

- hilarious as fuck

○ Julian Weigl

- #15

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Toni Kroos

- #18

- 26 years old

- goals: 11

- caps: 69 ayyy B)

○ Joshua Kimmich

- #21

- 21 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 3


○ Mario Götze

- #19

- 24 years old

- goals: 17

- caps: 55

- so pure, please love him

○ Leroy Sané

- #20

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 3

○ Mario Gómez (nickname: Super Mario)

- #23

- 30 years old

- goals: 29

- caps: 67

Recent call-ups:

(These players have also been called up to the Germany squad within the last 12 months and are still available for selection)

- Kevin Trapp, Ron-Robert Zieler (Goalkeepers)

- Antonio Rüdiger, Sebastian Rudy, Matthias Ginter (Defenders)

- Marco Reus, Karim Bellarabi, Julian Brandt, Christoph Kramer, İlkay Gündoğan (Midfielders)

- Kevin Volland, Max Kruse (Forwards)              

Not part of The Squad™ anymore but they deserve a place on this post:

○ Philipp Lahm

- former captain

- Defender

- smol

- left The Team after the last world cup together with Miroslav Klose and Per Mertesacker and now we suck

○ Miroslav Klose (again) shhh he’s my fave

- top scorer (71 goals) that’s my boy i’m so proud

- Forward

- tol

- famous for his “Klose-Salto” (Klose somersault) after scoring goals (LOOK AT HIM GOOOO)

- he once took a selfie with Rihanna

- received the italian “ethics prize” for fair play, allegiance and social commitment and dedicated it to Michael Schumacher ISN’T HE JUST PRECIOUS

○ Per Mertesacker

- Defender


- one of 140 celebs that promoted the UK’s EU membership with a “love letter” lmao cutie

- Arsenal fans call him “BFG” (Big Friendly - or Fucking - German)

○ Michael Ballack

- Midfielder

- former captain

- we all used to love him but now we don’t really anymore and I’m not entirely sure what happened tbh

- one of the top scorers even though he’s “only” a Midfielder (he’s currently #8 on the list)

○ Franz Beckenbauer

- nickname: “Der Kaiser” (the emperor)

- probably every dad’s fave

○ Gerd Müller

- nickname: “Bomber der Nation” (nation’s bomber)

- he got that nickname because of all the goals he scored, he dropped dem goals like bOMBS

- probably every dad’s fave #2

- he has Alzheimer’s :<


I just spent over 2 hours on this post so I guess that’s it for now~

I think it’s an emotional situation right nowโ€ฆ all I can say is he’s playing at a fantastic club.
And I’m sure he’s happy at that club.ย 
It’s a bit of a difficult situation right now. But he’s experienced enough to handle it as well and find a good solution for himself.ย 
Real Madrid is a fantastic club and I don’t see him at another club right now.
—  Michael Ballack
zodiac signs as footballers (for real)

Aries:Manuel Neuer, Joe Hart, Sergio Ramos, Carles Puyol, Sami Khedira, Jorde Alba, Vincent Kompany, Antonie Griezmann, Claudio Bravo, Ronaldinho

Taurus: David Beckham, Iker Casillas, David Luiz, Kaka, Andres Iniesta, Andrea Pirlo, Yaya Toure, Isco, Juan Mata, Dani Alves, Cesc Fabregas, Raphael Varane , leonardo Bonucci

Gemini: Steven Gerrard, Sergio Aguero, Marco Reus, Mario Gotze, Frank Lampard, Lukas Podolski, Miroslav Klose, Arturo Vidal, Wesley Sneijder, Gervinho, Juan Cuadrado, Javier Mascherano

Cancer: Lionel Messi, Gareth Bale, James Rodriguez, Zinedine Zidan, Mario Gomez, Samer Nasri, Paulo Maldini, Sergio Busquets, Raul, Ashley Young, David Alaba

Leo: Van Persie, Mario Balotelli, Hulk, Robert Lewandowski, Thierry Henry,  Bastian Schweinsteiger, Willian, Giorgio Chiellini, Ander Herrera, Alvaro Negredo

Virgo: Daniel Sturridge, Oscar, Thomas Muller, Thiago Silva, Lukas Modric, Julio Cesar, Pepe Reina, Alex Song, Jerome Boating, Miranda

Libra: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Mesut Ozil, Diego Costa, Olivier Giroud, Francesco Totti, Michael Ballack, Kevin Mirallas, Nemanja Vidic

Scorpio: Wayne Rooney, Diego Mradona, Alessandro Del Piero, David De Gea, Philipp Lahm, Van Der Sar,  Stevan Jovetic, Paul Scholes, Jesus Navas, Alvaro Morata, Nani

Sagittarius: Mats Hummels, David Villa, Alexis Sanchez, Xabi Alonso, Gonzalo Higuain, Karim Benzema, John Terry, Raheem Sterling, Gary Cahill, Marouane Fellaini, Danny Welbeck

Capricorn: Eden Hazard, Toni Kroos, Marc Bartra, Claudio Marchisio, James Milner, Victor Valdes, Jack Wilshere, Aaron Ramsey

Aquarius: Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar, Luis Suarez, Xavi, Gerad Pique, Di Maria, Gianluigi Buffon, Carlos Tevez, Falcao, Cavani, Adnan januzaj

Pisces: Fernando Torres, Paul Pogba, Didier Drogba, Pepe, Theo Walcott, Edin Dzeko, Erik Lamela, Shinji Kagawa, Marcos Rojo, Phil Jones

Watching young Lukas Podolski goals really reminds you just how GOOD he was. There was a reason he won best younger player of the tournament in 2006. There was a reason everyone in this country loved him and had his shirt, because we didnt have many players like him. Before him and Basti we had as we called it “Rumpelfußball”. We got to the final in 2002 sure, but really we only had Kahn and Ballack who were really worldclass and young hopefull Miroslav Klose and…. no one else. And then this kid came along (and Fips and Basti but he was the main focus you know) and he just had SO MUCH FUN. He just scored goals, beautiful goals, and leading up to the world cup everyone was still sceptical but then he delivered, always a smile on his face, shredding the opponents defense apart together with Miro and Basti and suddenly we were good again and more than that we were FUN!

And in 2014 they said he was just a mascot. But guess what he was always a mascot. Or symbol as I’d like to say. He was the symbol of our new fun sommermärchen football. He was the symbol of scoring beautiful goals and enjoying football and never forgetting where you come from. And maybe he hardly played in 2014. But he still kept the fun in the team. The laugh. The smile 8and i don’t mean just by making jokes. He did more than that). He infected everyone with it, he always did. You might say that doesn’t matter much. But if you wanna know how important it is that a team is happy together, look no further than france in 2010. They didn’t have a Poldi on board.

Football RPF Spring Fling 2017 - Masterlist

No sophomore slump here! The 2017 edition of the Football RPF Spring Fling has produced a total ofย 

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