the anniversary of the loss of one friend and now the loss of another (so to speak)

Euphoria (fluff)

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I was trying to update “Jeffrey’s Hill” but I was listening to “Beautiful” by Baekhyun and “Beautiful” by EXO and then my imagination ran wild … and this came to mind. I’ll be updating “Jeffrey’s Hill” soon though! This is just a cute little one shot because I’m ultimate Suho trash. 

MEMBER/GROUP: Kim Junmyeon/Suho 

GENRE: FLUFF. IT’S SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIEEE!! (If you got that reference just know you’re amazing and imagine me handing you pizza. I LOBE YOU!) 

DISCLAIMER: The GIF below is not mine. Credits go to the person who made it! Thank you! 

Your name: submit What is this?


A WHOLE YEAR WITHOUT JUNMYEON. 

You couldn’t process it. A whole year without him. Without his cute smile, tight hugs, caring whispers and gentle cuddles. A whole year without his silly Dad jokes that never failed you crack you up. A whole year without waking up next to him and giggling at the sleepy smile he always wore. 

A whole year without Junmyeon, and you’d survived. 

At first, the days seemed to roll by tantalizingly slow. You’d stare at the clock, hoping time would take pity on you and fast forward to the moment you’d reunite. Several days, you had to remind yourself he was gone, and that it would be a while before he returned. It was hard being in denial. 

Then you just grew really angry. How could SM do that to you? You knew they wouldn’t approve of your relationship, but you didn’t think they’d go as far as separating you two for a whole year. Why were they so cruel? It was his life, shouldn’t he have a say in the matter? You’d spend several nights typing up angry emails to the managers, only to end up deleting them later on. You couldn’t bring yourself to lash out at them, despite the anger you felt. The last thing you wanted was to go against a company with an intimidating amount of power. 

Once you realised you couldn’t bring Junmyeon back sooner, you felt an indescribable sadness. He wasn’t allowed you to contact you, so you couldn’t even bask in the comfort of his cute, cheesy texts. He was completely cut off; and you were forced to accept it. Some nights you’d struggle to fall asleep, thinking of everything you wanted that you couldn’t have: his back hugs, soft hums, gentle voice singing you to sleep, the feeling of his fingers woven through the gaps between yours and the glimmer in his eyes when you told him you loved him. 

You just missed him. So much. 

You had also tried contacting the other members to see if you could speak to him somehow, but they never answered. SM had gotten to them too. You’d eventually lost count of the days and nights you’d spent in tears, wondering what you’d done wrong. Was it wrong to fall in love? 

Finally, after months of denying it, being angry about it, shedding tears over it, you’d had enough. If Junmyeon could cope, you had to do the same. Your life couldn’t end with this silly year gap. You reached out to friends. You hung out at coffee shops, quiet streets, rain scented parks. You spent more time finishing all the drafts you possibly could, and had even piqued the interest of a publisher. You had then proceeded to work on a novel, and that was what sped up time. 

Days went by and you didn’t notice, too engrossed in perfecting characters, fixing plot holes and correcting spelling errors. To add a bit of humorous irony, your publication date was set a week before he got back. But you didn’t notice, you had to make sure everything was right. Nothing could ruin this. This was your first novel, and it meant a lot to you. 

Nothing could take that feeling of euphoria away. It saved you when you found out Junmyeon’s return would be delayed. It saved you when you found out the company had attempted to set him up with another idol. It saved you when you read the headlines, confirming the new couple. It saved you from getting your hopes up when they called it off, and it saved you when you realised he had changed his number. 

Little did you know, Junmyeon was fighting day and night to return to you. 


“Wow, ‘Breathe’, a novel by Y/N, has sold over a million copies, and is currently a dominating best seller! The story revolves around sixteen year old Brea Farren, who sees the ghost of her deceased best friend, and has to live with the imaginary phantom’s torment until she finally learns to let go. The book has received a huge amount of love and support from the teenage demographic, who claim to have easily related to the character’s feeling of being lost and confused. It is now famous in schools all over the world, and is changing many lives and helping many deal with grief.” 

The interviewer, Pauline White, grinned at the camera. “We have the mastermind behind the book here today, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Y/N!” 

The audience cheered as you entered, taking a seat opposite Pauline. “Good morning!” She grinned. “How are you feeling today, Y/N?” 

“Great!” You smiled at the cameras, genuinely feeling your heart lift. “I’m still in shock over the recent news, it’s unbelievable!”

Pauline laughed. “How so? Your writing style is beautiful, it made me cry! I think over the course of their lives, everyone goes through some kind of loss. What was the inspiration behind the book? Did you lose someone the way Brea did?” 

“No, I think my character’s suffering was an exaggeration of mine, really,” you responded. “I did lose someone, but not to death.” 

“Ooh, are you perhaps referring to Kim Junmyeon?” 

You simply grinned in response. “I didn’t even realise I was using the story as a closure to my suffering, it was just a sudden realisation once I started reading all the comments. People were telling me they’d grown to accept losses that weren’t close to death, and that despite everything I’d put my character through, her perseverance and strength inspired them.” 

“Is Brea Farren another version of you?” 

You laughed and shook your head. “No! Never, I could never survive what Brea did. She’s a strong one, for sure.” 

“Towards the end of the book, Brea reunites with a friendlier version of her best friend. Is this an indication of your reunion with your special someone?” Pauline winked at you, and you giggled. “No, there hasn’t been a reunion in my life yet, the ending was more plot beneficial.” 

“Yet? There’s no reunion yet?” 

“Wow, that’s all you could focus on?” 

“You two were the cutest couple ever! I can’t help the excitement, Y/N! A writer and a singer, it’s beautiful.”

“Thank you, Pauline.” You gave her a warm smile. “That’s really sweet of you.” 

Unbeknownst to you, Junmyeon sat in his room, watching you intently. He’d just gotten back, and he had been advised to get some rest, but the second he’d heard you’d be on T.V, all thoughts of sleep were out the window. He hadn’t seen you in a year. 

When he saw you walk out, his heart leaped. You looked stunning, your hair was longer and it was tied back. You were dressed casually, but you pulled it off so well. You wore a cute beige jumper over a black, collared shirt, paired with ripped, white jeans. He smiled at the sight of your favourite Converse, knowing you’d opt for those. 

Once he heard you go on and on about your book and the writing process, it felt like falling in love all over again. He couldn’t watch you smile and laugh and blush without grinning like a madman. He couldn’t hear you giggle without laughing at how adorable you were. He’d missed you, so damn much. Everything about you. Everything he didn’t have while he was away. 

Making up his mind, Junmyeon shut the T.V and grabbed his coat, snatching his car keys as he exited the dorms, being extremely cautious so as to avoid being caught. Once he was safe in his car, he drove to your place. When it came to you, he couldn’t wait. 

-

-

Standing in front of your apartment had never been this awkward. Junmyeon stared at your keypad, wondering if you’d changed your password. It had previously been the date of your anniversary, but he knew it would have been painful to have kept that. 

Seeing no other starting point, he punched in the numbers, smile growing heavy once the buzzer sounded, signalling a wrong input. He thought it over. What meant a lot to you? 

It couldn’t be…

He punched in the numbers and winced when the buzzer sounded again. It wasn’t your birthday either. What could you have possibly changed it to? Junmyeon took a moment to think it over, going through all the possible dates that could hold a certain amount of significance to you. 

Finally, he landed on the date your book had been published and quickly punched in the numbers, wanting to avoid being seen. When the door unlocked, he grinned and stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. 

He shivered, realising you hadn’t turned on the heat. As if he’d never left, Junmyeon made his way to the living room, spotting the heat controls immediately. He set it to the right temperature and collapsed onto your sofa, sighing as the plush material sunk with his weight, yet forming a perfect mould to his body. Nothing had changed, apart from furniture and the paint. You still had photos of your parents around the house, next to photos of you with him. 

This put him at peace, knowing you hadn’t given up. With all the crap his company had put you through, Junmyeon knew he was lucky to have fallen in love with someone so resilient. Now that he was back, and neither of you had moved on, he knew his company would have to accept it. They’d been certain one of you would give up and move on, giving them the victory. 

As he fought to stay awake, he smiled at the thought of being victorious, finally standing on top of his company, a little rebellion against everything they had said and done to him. 

Sleep came a lot easier when he was surrounded by you. 


He woke up to soft humming. 

Junmyeon rose, turning to face your smiling face as he yawned. His head had been on your lap. The two of you stared, neither making a move, just drinking in the sight of each other. You noticed the change of hair colour. He noticed your change of clothing style. 

You noticed how tired he looked. He noticed the happy gleam in your eyes, feeling his heart thud louder as he took in the soft smile you wore, breathing in your familiar scent. You had never been one for strong perfume. You preferred the mild scented ones, and he loved it on you. 

“Did you sleep well?” 

He didn’t respond. Instead, he stood up and gestured for you to do the same. Confused, you stood up and watched as his eyes scanned your body and then met yours again. “I just wanted to make sure you’re in good shape.” Your heart fluttered, and your smile widened. After a whole year of being away, he was still concerned about your well-being. You weren’t sure how you were keeping your composure. 

“You shouldn’t be telling me that, jagi,” you stepped closer to him, cupping his cheek. God, you’d missed this so much. Holding him like this. Watching as his eyes fluttered shut at your touch, hearing his breathing relax as he blew out gently. “Look at you. You look exhausted. You need more sleep.” 

His eyes were open again, and he gave you that look. The one you’d defined as a silent “I love you”, the one he often gave you before he kissed you. “I’ll sleep later, I just want to hold you for now.” 

Slowly, he leaned forward, lips inches away from yours. You shut your eyes, feeling the teasing, ticklish touch of his eyelashes as he placed his mouth atop yours. 

Instantly, you melted. 

Memories flooded your mind as Junmyeon kissed you gently, hand cupping your cheek while his free arm wound around your waist, bringing you closer to him. You were sure he could hear your heart beating frantically, but you didn’t care. You were completely lost in him, in the way he held you, in the way he kissed you, and the warmth you had been deprived of for a whole year. 

Jagi,” you frowned. “Please wear a scarf, you’re going to catch a cold if you walk out like that.” 

Junmyeon spun around and gave you a cute smile, obediently wrapping a scarf around his neck and bringing it up to his nose. You smiled in content, pushing yourself up on your toes as you kissed the tip of his nose, giggling when he quickly dodged more kisses and nuzzled your neck. 

That tickles!” 

“I know it does, it’s why I did it.” 

“Okay, that’s it. Whoever wins this round makes dinner tonight.” As if he never had plans, Junmyeon unwrapped the scarf and let it fall to the floor as he counted down, watching in amusement as you made no move to run until he finished. 

“Wrong move, Y/N.” 

You squealed as he lifted you bridal style to the sofas, placing you down gently. And yet, his fingers were merciless as he attacked your sides, watching as you squirmed and laughed hysterically, desperately trying to gain the upper hand. 

“Stop! Stop!” 

He didn’t oblige, forcing you to roll off the couch and fall to the floor. Not wasting anytime, you brought yourself to your feet and tackled Junmyeon to the sofa with all the strength you could muster, laughing at his horrified expression. You didn’t tickle him. Instead, you leaned down, slowly bringing your lips closer to his, softly whispering, “I win.” before you kissed him. 

You remembered how that felt. It felt like falling, but there was no rush. The wind seemed to carry you gently, and the euphoria was intense. It was the exact same feeling, watching Junmyeon’s flushed cheeks and slightly swollen lips as he stepped back and whispered, “I missed you. So, so much.” 

Normally, you weren’t so brave, but his year long absence had boosted your courage. 

“Really?” You shot him a cheeky smile. “Prove it.” 

He laughed. “Gladly.” 

And then his lips were on yours again. 

My Public Display of Self Love Journey

On Friday I will be celebrating my nine month anniversary on my Public Display of Self Love journey. When I wrote my letter asking for help, I plotted out my plan. After I sent my letter I sobbed, in my kitchen, to my partner Ben. I cried for the person and life that I desperately wanted and needed to release.
On August 1, 2014 at my Day One party, I weighed 254 pounds. Physically I felt like, and was a hot mess. I had just survived kidney cancer, I had chronic back pain and subsequently a daily dependency on pain medicine, I had hyper-tension (high blood pressure), I had high cholesterol, I had planter fasciitis, I had diabetes type 2, my blood work showed I had fatty liver, I snored, I had recently been diagnosed with asthma, I had areas of skin where rolls, rashes, and yeast sometimes existed (too much info?) Psychologically, I was worse off than physically. I had spent a lifetime where self loathing and worthlessness consumed me. I’ve been a food addict since I was eight years old. The more I ate, the more I fed those negative self core beliefs. Let’s just call it a self fulfilling prophecy cycle. For instance, I think I am garbage, I feel like garbage, and then I act like I am garbage. Not feeling good enough, and internalizing most things, obviously served a purpose. Using food to comfort myself, as well as punish myself gave me a tangible reason why I felt the way I did. Being overweight, allowed my outsides to match my inner beliefs. I didn’t value myself enough, to prioritize proper self-care or self love. I was invested in other people’s well-being, and I didn’t have time to be self centered and selfish, I thought. What I know now, from awaking thru this transformation, is I have received greatly from giving to others. It fulfilled and fed my charitable, nurturing, generous, and loving values. Giving to others, and being stingy with my own self-care and self love, was not true giving or serviced from a healthy place. Rather, investing in others was an escape from my own pain and issues. If I was busy consuming someone else’s needs and feelings, then I was freed up to neglect my own. I found it a powerful and convenient coping mechanism. Using someone to reflect the love and positive feelings that I was unable to generate for myself, also lead to unhealthy dynamics. I often felt slighted, and victimized by my nearest and dearest. I would then be distraught because of the narrative I would tell myself. It sounds a lot like… I was neglecting myself, and giving so freely, with so much love, and now it does not seem reciprocated, and I feel hurt and uncared for. This ultimately confirms how I felt about myself, and that confirmation felt devastating. This heartbreak typically brought me back to food, a person, or substances.
An important aspect of my plan, was throwing myself weigh-in celebration parties every three months. I was anxious about stripping my clothes off in front of people. I was scared to take pictures and post them. I was terrified to fail as much as I was terrified to succeed. I shared my hopes for myself and my family at my first party. At my Day One party, I believed that I was truly beginning a new way of living. By November 1, 2014, I felt great. I had momentum and sucess, and my eyes on the prize. I had lost 39 pounds and weighed 215! Unfortunately, my world came crashing down the day before Thanksgiving, when my oncologist saw something concerning, and ordered more test. A couple hours later, my father was life-flighted to an intensive care unit with life threatening issues. I left my partner and kids in California, and went to be with my parents and sister in Florida. Those 11 days in the hospital were the worst days of my life, up until then. I felt powerless, scared, and guilty. I internalized, which is what I tend to do, and believed that my potential poor news from my doctor, was the catalyst for my fathers’s medical emergency. During those days in Florida, I managed to not overeat or under-eat. I practiced self care, and exercised a few times. I tried to take care of myself, and practice what I had been learning on my journey. I also screwed up during those days, and created and participated in drama with my family. Fear, triangulating, stress, lack of sleep, anxiety medicine, and crusty dynamics lead to horrible fights and outbursts. I was attempting to feel in control in a out of control situation, by fixating on the few things I believed I could control. That experience, set the foundation for another crisis that was brewing. On February 1, 2014 I threw myself a six month anniversary party, and weighed-in at 195 pounds. I had lost 59 pounds, and felt on top of the world. My father was now home, and improving every day. I found out, from my oncologist, that my imaging and blood work was clean. I realized that I was accomplishing my dreams, and it was time to dream even bigger. I announced at my party, my dream of helping bring self love education to children. I had an incredible time at my party, and truly felt amazing. That night my life ended, and another life began. My immediate family had a scary life changing situation happen. This occurred due to numerous factors, and the details aren’t all mine to share. What is mine to share is that my past behavior, although improved since beginning my journey had co-created these horrific consequences. I felt blind-sighted, having come from one of the best nights of my life, where I felt like I was on top of the world, to my lowest moments ever. I had already changed, and felt confused as to why my past behavior was blowing up in my face at that point. A few of my nearest and dearest were concerned that I had enough tendencies, that I could be diagnosed borderline. This was shocking to me. I was ashamed, and scared. I educated myself and sought professional help. Luckily, I have not been diagnosed as borderline or any other diagnosis. However, I have do have a propensity for a lot of those tendencies. For instance, black and white thinking, explosive anger, fear of abandonment, and eating myself to death. I have battled these character defects most of my life. As I spoke with everyone else in my life, they could not see me as this person, that my family described. Only a handful of people had witnessed my rage and despair. Those people felt scared of me, and untrusting of my potential response. As I was becoming heather so were my reactions. Yet, the people that I was seeking my self worth from triggered me in a way, that others did not. Trying to make sense of all of this, I felt lost, confused, and beside myself. I could not eat, sleep, or stop crying. Everything that I had worked for my entire life, felt like it was in jeopardy. I had to muster up ever fiber of strength and resilience to show up for myself and for my children during that time. We were surrounded by friends and community, and truly held. Those days of not eating or sleeping wrecked havoc on my body and my menstrual cycle. I spotted mid-cycle, which is unheard of for me, and then didn’t have a mensural cycle for over a month. I had an eating disorder in high school, and that week of subjecting my body to extreme distress was familiar, alarming, and unacceptable. I lost 10 pounds that week, and was horrified and ashamed. It was the one and only week, out of my nine months, that I was not proud of my weight loss or weight gain, since my journey had begun. Sitting within this public sphere, which I created, while my world was coming undone, was surreal. I was terrified to continue on my path, but more afraid of letting go of all that I had learned and accomplished. My kids needed me to be strong and solid, and I needed me to be strong and solid too. Those days were the longest, and most gut wrenching days I hope to ever experience. I have spent the last three months fighting for everything I value. The first being, ME! I love myself, and know that providing myself self-care is not selfish or a choice. It is my responsibility and mine alone. I do not need to do it perfectly, but I do need to do it. I value a healthy partnership with Ben, where both of our voices, feelings, needs, and dreams are being held and nurtured. I value my children and supporting their emotional and physical development. I value my job and my ability to provide for my family. I value my mom, dad, and my sister. I value my friends and community. I value teaching our children how to speak nicely to themselves, how to validate their feelings, and providing them tools to sort which thoughts and feelings deserve action. I value kindness, gratitude, and mindfulness. I value humbling yourself, and asking for help. I value admitting that you have made mistakes, and asking for forgiveness. I value forgiving myself and others. I value moderation and balance. I value trusting that time does change everything. I value the space needed for that time and that change. I value honesty, transformation, bringing dreams into fruition, and I value my worthiness!
This 9 month party was the most difficult to organize and throw. I feel like I’ve been too successful. I feel overexposed, and self saturated. I’ve been un-friended on Facebook, and in real life because of my self love journey. I have lost relationships and created new ones along the way. I have been in touch with long lost friends, and been deeply witnessed and held by strangers. I know that my self love and hard work deserve to be celebrated. I am not perfect or anything close. My journey has not been perfect or anything resembling perfection. As of today, I have lost 80 pounds and my self loathing. I have gained self confidence and self worth. My Public Display of Self Love journey has given me the value of self love, self care, and self acceptance, and it has changed my life. I am beyond grateful! Xoxo

Olicity: Shake

Originally posted by marap

They’ve been married a year when Oliver wakes up in a damp bed to the sound of cries. He draws his hand from the duvet and registers the claret stain of blood against the fingertips that were resting against Felicity’s thigh as they slept. Everything stutters into a cold reality where he jumps from the bed but has to stand there for a moment and gather himself. She’s crying. Felicity, his Felicity, is crying, and while he’s seen tears on her cheeks he’s never seen her cry like this before.

She cries as if her heart has been taken from her chest and is being hollowed out before her watching eyes. She cries as if every person she’s cherished has been taken out of reach and nothing can bring them back. She cries as if this will leave a scar on her soul that will never heal.

He doesn’t know what to do when she cries like this. It makes his heart stop, makes his body ache. Makes his hands shake. He doesn’t know what to do.

But there’s nothing he can do. The baby’s already gone.

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An article about Melissa McBride (+ interview)

Here is the interview Melissa made for a French magazine (before the 5th season aired).
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but the translation.

I’m tagging the persons who asked for it so it’ll be easier for you guys to find it: skhskh1996 grettamendoza rockofages24 blackqueenphoenix othergrayhairedqueenbitch raven484 rooker92 havers-barbara doremess kakatie2 merryandmcbride ninjakitti (and everyone who liked the post).

One last thing:if you see any mistakes or things that I didn’t phrase correctly, please let me know and I’ll edit!

Now, let me put the article under a read more.

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