the air in my lungs

I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what’s gonna happen or, who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.
—  Jack Dawson, Titanic
Daddy Issues III (S.W)

|LOOOOONG AWAITED HAHAHA it’s not edited either hahah lol, 2k words, idk when the 4th will be up but I’ve already started it😊|

“Y/N, are you ready?” I look around the waiting room once more before I puff out the air I was holding in my lungs and purse my lips. I nod my head and give the nurse a small smile before following after her with Any in tow.

Today is the day of my first sonogram and ultrasound, it’s pretty bad for being half way through my pregnancy, but at least I’m here. And of course, Sammy hasn’t shown up. I knew that he wouldn’t, right in the back on my back, I knew that he wouldn’t bother.

“Stop worrying about him, he clearly isn’t worth it.” Amy mutters to me as she steps into place with me.

I know that she’s right, Sam isn’t worth my thoughts because he didn’t show up, but it still hurts my feelings. “He shouldn’t have implied that he was coming if he isn’t going to come, it gives people false hope and it’s just wrong.”

“I know, babe, especially when it’s to do with your guys’ baby.” Amy shrugs her shoulders and lightly rubs my back. “Just relax and forget about it, stress isn’t going to do you or the baby any good.”

I should really be stressing over what I’m going to do in order to be financially stable for my child and I, or not stressing at all really, but here I am, worrying and other thinking about my damn ex boyfriend and his effect on me.

The only effect he has on me now is the effect of stress.

“He doesn’t believe that I’m actually pregnant, that is why he hasn’t bothered to come.”

I could give birth right in front of him and he would probably still be hesitant to believe that I was ever a pregnant teenager.

“That might not be the reason, Y/N, maybe he’s just scared of what’s going to happen in the future? Like, how he’s going to live as a dad and if you two are ever going to get back together-”

I cut her off with a scoffed laugh, slapping her arm as I chortle. “I highly doubt that theory-”

“I don’t know, I don’t care anymore.” I mutter and walk into the small room. “I just want to get this appointment over and done with so I can relax a bit more.”

The nurse tells me to lay down on the blue, cushioned bed as she gets all of the equipment together and boots up the machine. Amy takes a seat beside me on a small chair in the corner and makes herself comfortable almost instantly. She’s definitely a lot more relaxed about my pregnancy than she was when we were on the phone, she’s gotten used to it I guess. She’s had a week to think it out, even though she’s only going to be “spiritually related” to him or her, not biologically.

She’s going to be the aunt who makes the kid a spoiled brat. Great, I’m going to have a mini Amy on my hands.

“From your file, it says that you only just found out that you’re pregnant, correct?” The nurse named Olivia, according to her name tag, said, I nod my head. “This is the first ultrasound then?”

“Yes, it is.” I look everywhere but the nurse and Amy, I feel so awkward in this room and I don’t know why. “And sonogram, obviously.” Olivia smiles at me in a comforting way, but I still can’t face her.

I still haven’t told my parents.

“Okay, could you lift your shirt up to reveal your stomach, just to reveal your small bump.”
I still don’t have a proper, round baby bump, not just yet. I was never thin to begin with, I’ve always been a little bit chubby on my stomach, hips and thighs, but it just looks like I’m putting on a little bit more weight at the moment.

“So we’re listening for a heartbeat and then looking at the baby?” Amy asks, looking from my stomach, the monitor and Olivia. “When can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl?”

“Yes, I can also find out how far along Y/N is exactly and give a definite due date,” Isn’t it just 9 months after the date you had sex? Isn’t it pretty damn easy to work out yourself? “And how developed the baby is, and then I can give an estimate of when the gender can be viewed.”

“How many weeks does it take normally?”

“It depends on the condition of the pregnancy, whether or not the mother has been in good health so the baby can develop at a good speed, but it’s regularly around 5 months, sometimes earlier.”

“Y/N only just found out, so is there a possibility that the baby could be developing slower than normal?”

I never expected Amy to be this chatty with the maternal nurse. I’ve barely said three words to the woman and here is my best friend, asking every question she can think of about me and the baby…

“Again, that depends on the lifestyle of the mother. If she were to smoke and drink alcohol, yes, the development would have slowed down because the baby will have received harmful toxins that will threaten its life.” The nurse shakes the small pot of the infamous gel in her hands and squirts a small line on the bottom of my stomach. “But if she lives a healthy lifestyle, regular exercise and a balanced diet, then the development should be regular and normal.”

This is all just too much right now, my head is spinning with new information and I just want to get this over and done with. I’m starting to mentally freak out and I just need them to shut up.

“Do you mind if we just get this moving along please?” I mumble, taking a glance up at the nurse and fumbling around with my fingers.

“Of course, sorry about that!” Olivia grins, once again flashing off her extremely straight and bright white teeth which make me extremely jealous.

Amy goes silent in her chair and boredly looks around the room, just like I had been doing during her ‘little’ conversation. She winces at the sight of an abortion information poster and shakes her head.

It is a little bit gory.

“Let’s start with the ultrasound and listen to your baby’s heartbeat.” Olivia picks up one of the many confusing tools connected to the monitor and presses it against the bottom of my belly. After a few seconds, a fast, train-like sound fills the room. “That’s the heartbeat.”

“Is it supposed to be that fast?”

She tilts her head, sighing a little, “It’s a little faster than it should be, that could be caused by stress or an unbalanced diet.”

“It’s probably Sam.” Amy accuses, I look over at her just as she rolls her eyes. I roll mine back at her for her fast judgement.

“That’s about, one hundred seventy eight beats a minute.” Olivia takes the ultrasound tool away from my stomach and writes down the findings in my file.

“What can I do to slow it down?” Can I slow it down myself? It’s not my heartbeat, it’s the entirely new person in my body’s heartbeat. “I mean, if it’s possible for me to do.”

“Try doing some relaxation techniques like some mild yoga or meditation, if you find yourself in a stressful situation, try to get out of it because it just is it not good for you or your baby, and improve your diet because whatever you eat, your baby eats.”

Oh my God, my baby is going to come out fat.

“Should I set up an appointment with a nutritionist or do it myself?”

Olivia just shrugs her shoulders and picks up the bottle of jelly again. “A nutritionist would definitely be a great help but it isn’t necessary.” She squeezes some around my belly in a circle. “Do you mind if I ask you some questions about the pregnancy?”

“Not at all.” She’s going to ask about the father of the baby. The father who didn’t bother to show up after he told me he would. He’s still a flake.

“Do you know who the father is?”

I nod, “Yes, he’s my ex boyfriend.”

“Is he involved?”

He clearly doesn’t want to be. “He knows, I told him and his family, he said he was coming today but I guess he got a better offer.”

“Y/N, he’s a dick, he always has been, he probably flew out to LA to avoid coming today.”

“He’s multi-coastal?” Olivia asks, writing down whatever answers I was giving her in the damn file.

“Yeah,” I sigh, pursing my lips awkwardly. “He’s social media famous and he has a rapping career.”

“He’s the biggest asshole you’ve ever dated, and you’ve dated quite a few.” I am not going to fight with her today, especially if I’m going to try and defend Sam when I really do not have a counter argument.

“Be quiet, Amy. You’re not the one pregnant with his baby.”

“Are his family involved?”

“I think they want to be, his mom was really supportive, disappointed, but supportive.”

Emily was really excited about becoming an auntie and Lori nearly cried. I don’t know how Ben, Annie or Dave reacted to the news.

Sammy is probably still in denial, refusing to believe that I’m carrying his child. I know full well that this baby is his. There is not a single, fucking doubt in my mind. If he doesn’t believe me, that’s fine, I will happily partake in a paternity test to give him genetic, scientific evidence that he will be a father.

“Are you planning on keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption?”

I haven’t really thought about my options all too well. I just jumped to the conclusion that I would keep it, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to care for the baby in the ways it needs.

“I, I don’t know.”

“That’s perfectly fine, we can discuss it at a later time.” She dismissed it like it was nothing, but it is something. And my entire future depends on it. “Let’s take a look at your baby.”

After what felt like an entire lifetime, Olivia finally focuses her attention on flashing off my belly. She starts to swipe the little monitor across my stomach, spreading the jelly all over my skin. I interlock my fingers together out of complete nerves.

“You can see the white bean-like shape here,” She used the mouse to select the exact area of focus and then used the pointer to showcase the clear baby shape. “And here, is your baby.”

“Oh my god, Y/N, it’s got your wavy black lines!” Amy jokes, pointing at the screen and cracking up at her Friends reference.

“The baby has developed at the usual rate.” Olivia smiles and rotates the monitor to show me a different angle of the foetus. “And you are 18 weeks along, and your due date is sometime in mid November.” That’s close to Sam’s birthday.

“When can we find out if it’s a girl or a boy?” Amy straight away asks, again. She really is more excited than me.

“You could have found out today, actually, but the baby’s curled right now and it’s blocking the view, so definitely at the next scan.”

Holy shit, my baby actually has a gender right now. My baby is a girl or a boy right now. But he or she is too stubborn and they don’t want anyone to know just yet. Hm, stubborn already. It’s definitely Sam’s baby.

“When is the next scan?”

Olivia takes a photo of the angle we’re currently looking at and moves the monitor to another angle. “I can book you in for 2 weeks time, if you’d like?”

“That’s great, thank you.”

I’m not surprised that Sam didn’t turn up, I’m not going to dwell and cry over it either. I can’t change his decisions or the way he thinks, it’s completely up to him. I say I don’t care, which I really shouldn’t because we aren’t together anymore, but it does actually hurt my feelings.

I really should try to get over whatever the hell is going through Samuels head and concentrate on myself and my baby.

losing you was never easy.
it was crying until the sun came up because all i could see in front of my eyes was you;
it was scribbling pages with words i wish i could tell you, but couldn’t.
losing you was no longer being able to take a breath of air without feeling my lungs collapse on themselves and my bones aching for you
it was shaky hands and bloodshot eyes and veins full of coffee or alcohol,
getting 2 hours of sleep because the thought of you kept me up until 5.
losing you was not being able to keep my eyes off my phone, but knowing it will no longer light up with your name
it was clenching at my own skin and covering my mouth from shouting out your name
it was “i don’t know what we are anymore” and “you’ve changed” and “do you think we should take a break”
it was “i still love you, i just can’t feel my heart” and “you still mean more than a lot to me i swear”.
it was crying myself to sleep for months in a row and waking up to nothing but the same pain as the night before.
losing you has drained me of my energy
and emotion
and it’s left me numb
with scars that won’t heal and bruises that can’t be seen,
with notes i wrote but never sent
and words i spoke but you never heard
—  i loved you so much i did not know what to do when you stopped
I want you to open yourself up in front
of me; strip down to your veins and let
me douse myself in the color of your blood.
I want you dirty, your clean, your sober and
otherwise, every night you can’t fill your 
lungs up with enough air to compensate for
my frame not lying beside you. I want you to
feel acid burn the back of your throat when
you say my name. I want your sleeplessness.
I want the thought of how goddamn better off
I am without you to turn you insomniac because
it’s not fair how when I slumber I dream of how 
it’s possible you’re able to rest easy alone.
You’ve always been my king even though I
never felt like your queen, my dear, and frankly
if I had to only want one thing, I’d want to stop
impulsively locking my bedroom door at night
to keep your ghost from crawling into bed with me.
But even then, you knock, and I can’t help but
let you in and curl my gentle hands
around your fists.
—  for what it’s worth // Haley Hendrick
You make me so mad
You make me want to throw chairs at the wall and break glass and yell until my lips turn blue and my lungs run out of air
You make me so sad
You make me want to cry an ocean and drown myself in the salt water of my tears so I can no longer feel the pain of loving you
You make me so happy
You make me want to jump around in meadows and hug strangers and share my happiness with the rest of the world so they can understand how you make me feel
Loving you is so hard it’s like finding your way out of the darkness
But even in the darkest times you will always be my light
—  l.k
I'm just blessed

Blessed to have air in my lungs
Blessed to have a roof over my head
Blessed to have healthy family members
Blessed I have the time to find myself
Blessed that I can be this positive when the surrounding world is so negative and oppressive
The world is not my friend today, but I remain blessed in its adversity

It hits me like a stab in the heart.
Like someone has punched me in the stomach,
And taken away all the air in my lungs.
And that’s just every time I think of you.

The pain comes rushing back,
And the tears are about ready to burst.
It doesn’t help seeing the face of the past,
On an every day occurrence.
But I tell myself it’s okay.
To take a few deep breaths to calm myself.

Because it’s all still raw inside,
But I refuse to let myself break.
Never again.
Not over you.

Watching people fall apart,
Is something that I find admirable.
Because it’s something I’ve refused to do for the longest time.
I don’t want to fall apart.
Because I’m scared that I’ll never fix myself again.

I don’t miss you.
I don’t even love you anymore.
It just hurts.
Knowing we never got that final word.
Because I never got to tell you the truth;
About anything.

I didn’t get to express my soul to you one final time.
I didn’t get to write another essay to you,
Expressing my pain.
So I write them here,
Hoping that one day,
You’ll understand.
That you’re my muse.

Your poisoned words,
And troubled mind;
Is something that inspires me.
Because you turned me into you.
And that’s why I’m trying to run from.

— 

Poisoned words. (Brogan’s Journal)

I think I’ve done it. I’ve figured out what that aching pain is in my chest. It’s him. It’s all him.

By the end of this month
In our night sky,
Jupiter and Venus shall converge
Closer than they shall ever be
For almost a year to come.

Beautiful, that’s when you’ll be closest to me
Than you have been
With the passing of these weeks.

Elliptical and uncertain but still
Following a path that we know
We cannot escape.

Your effervescent glow tricks my mind
As we zero in on the passing of time.

My lungs welcome your toxic air
You skin welcomes my untamable wind.
Are you scared?

Are you scared?

After we meet
We will leave
And you will find yourself
In different corners of this empty galaxy
Searching
For something to make the vastness less alone.

Is it selfish of me to hope
That no other celestial body’s heat comes close?
To pray that when you are being touched
In the dark
That silently you miss my great red storm?

It is, I know.
Love is the most selfish,
Selfless thing I have ever known.
It says ‘come, give me all of you,’
It says ‘here, take all of me.’

So we’ll both come
We’ll both go
We’ll both exchange gravities
And then roam.
Spinning slightly out of control
Until one day again
We might meet;
Call each other home.

—  “Jupiter Transiens”  - Nishat Ahmed