I’m sitting in my car listening to Death Cab for Cutie and waiting for my girlfriend to get out of class and I can’t stop thinking about how much I love her and crave her. It’s the kind of love that when you really think of it, it really doesn’t seem real. It’s like for the last 20 years of my adult life I was underwater with an anchor chained to my foot and when I met her I was free. The chain disintegrated and I made it to the surface. It’s like I finally had air in my lungs and I was able to feel everything and anything. She’s different than anyone I have ever met, and god she’s the best thing that I have ever encountered.
If you have read any of my other posts, you would know the backstory to our relationship and the struggles she and I have gone through. But if you don’t feel like searching through my blog, I’ll give you a short lowdown of everything. We met through friends, and without really knowing too much about her past, the biggest thing is that she has struggled with pill addiction, anxiety and depression for years now. Since dating me she has pretty much been a year sober, with only a few slip ups. Which I am very very proud of her for being so strong.
But that’s the thing she doesn’t understand, of her 21 years of life does not understand how strong she is. I have only known her for a year and a handful of months but from day one I could tell how strong she was. But now dating her for 11 months, I have seen her having to deal with withdrawal, cravings, slip ups, depression, anxiety, her fathers impact of his affair with another woman, staying up all night and me having to holding her until she stops crying and falls asleep… And that’s not something a 21 year old girl in college should have to deal with, but she does. She has to deal with all the things above and more, but she still has a smile on her face everyday, she still gets out of bed every morning, she still showers and gets ready for the day and a lot of people can’t do thAt, but she does and it may not be easy but it happens. I don’t think she realizes that even brushing her teeth or combing her hair or going to work every day is an act of being strong. Although she deals with so much shit, she still gets on with her day and deals with what comes her way.
She is so fucking strong and I can’t tell anyone or anything of how proud I am of her. She is my inspiration and the love of my life. She is everything and I will never take that for granted and I hope she never takes anything for granted. I hope she realizes how beautiful she is and how strong she is. I hope she realizes she can do anything if she puts her mind to it. Hell, we even moved her out of her dorm in 2 days. If that’s not determination than I don’t know what is. She doesn’t understand how much of an impact she’s had on so many people’s lives, she’s that type of person though. You meet her, you hear her story and you never forget her.
You would think that after all she’s gone through, she would still be an addict, using all the money she’s earned for pills and alcohol, but no. She has her head on straight and is going to school even with her anxiety, she’s working a job even though she doesn’t want to get out of bed to deal with the world, she’s going out to dinner or taking a walk with the dogs even though she feels like she’s going to puke. She is so strong, she is so beautiful, she is so amazing.
I have never felt this kind of love for anyone, not even my own parents. This is the love where I know I will have it for the rest of my life. This is how I know she is my soulmate and I’m going to spend the rest of my days waking up her to beautiful face. This is the type of love you see in movies, the type of love everyone dreams about. I have that type of love and I am never going to let it go, I am never going to let her or it slip through the cracks. I am never going to let her lose herself and what she’s worked for. I am going to love her forever and I am going to help her be the best person she can be. I am going to be by her side everyday and help her be sober, even if it means buying a back of Camel Blues to help itch the pain, I’ll do it. To me that’s better than choosing pills over anything.
I never want to lose this girl, especially to pills. I want to have her feel something other than the adrenaline of slipping the pink and blue pills down her throat. I want her to be excited to wake up everyday and be excited for what comes her way. I want her to be genuinely happy and for her to realize how strong she is and that she can do anything. I want her to be okay.
But I know one day she will be okay.
Now none of this probably made sense or my writing was confusing because I am horrible at writing anything. But I hope you guys and her get the gist of it.
I will love you to the ends of the earth aje, and I hope you know that and it stays with you forever. First and last, always💞