the air in my lungs

dear heartbreaker,
i’ve met someone else. he’s nothing like you. he’s all debates on whether tea or coffee is better, jazz music, clammy hands when he’s nervous and baseball caps. he’s nothing like you. he is fresh air seeping into my toxin filled lungs, which are all thanks to you. he’s nothing like you. I think that’s why i like him.

i’ve learned not to expect anything from men too early. they always seem to come up short on making spectacular impressions. we’re still at bashful sideways glances, flushed cheeks  and holding hands to fill the silence, and so far it has been enough. i remember when you and i went to the beach and i kissed you ankle-deep in ocean water. you tasted like salt and oranges and smoke, and i thought it was the most heavenly thing i’d ever tasted. maybe i was wrong. because lately i’ve been tasting spring rain and strawberries and something bubbly and it’s not as bittersweet as i thought it would be.


i don’t love him. it’s impossible for me to love him now, because you will still enter my mind more frequently than i’d like and leave my hands shaking. but i like the way his smile mixes my insides so i have to smile back, and the way his fingers brush lightly over mine when he wants to hold my hand. i don’t love him, but he makes me feel nervous and giddy, just the way early love should feel. i don’t love him, but i’m not sure if i still love you.


love,
not so heartbroken

—  letters i will never send #1

Even then, he still knew one thing:

it starts out small.

And then it grows, and grows. Unlike a garden starving for drop of water, he was met with all the rain needed to make that garden grow. Bountiful, never ceasing, he was given possibly too much, and the garden was soon left unattended. It grew, far beyond its boundaries, up to the point that Hanzo was certain it would grow past his ribcage, twine vines around his ribs and crawl out of his chest.

have yall ever read a fanfic so good that it punched all the air outta your lungs?? i have. go read Keep You On My Side because its one of my top fave mchanzo fics 

When my heart is aching, and when the pain feels like it won’t subside, I just remember that the sadness will pass and soon I can be in the mountains where I’m happiest, and where I forget about all my worries. I can be beneath the towering sequoias, be upon the scent of pine, and breathe in the sweet fresh air deep into my lungs. I just need to remember that I’ll be with nature again,I’ll feel okay again soon.

My lungs tighten
My air way closes
The room starts to spin
My heart is going out of control
Deep breath in and out
It’s not helping,
I run outside.
I let the fresh air blow across my face
“Focus on the pretty trees”
“The pretty sky”
“It’s a beautiful day” I tell myself.
My breathing evens out
My lungs relax
My air way opens
And my heart slows
“You’re okay.” I whisper
“You’re okay.”
—  Chapters from my life
2

I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what’s gonna happen or, who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.

i wanted so bad to have her that it felt like i was splitting in two. touching her was some unlearned sin i needed, a gasp of air that my tight lungs were jealous of. but she was the unbridled forest, alive with wild and sunlight and the shush of skin over satin sheets - and i was somehow utterly human beside her, full of awkward flaws and a tongue that couldn’t help but stuttering. i pictured holding her hand until it ate at me. how perfect it would feel to be touching her. how complete. she lives in my head now. i can’t sleep.

2

— Broken? Me? Oh no, Ana. Just the opposite.” He reaches out and takes my hand. “You’re my lifeline,” he whispers, and he kisses my knuckles before pressing my palm against his. 
With his eyes wide and full of fear, he gently tugs my hand and places it on his chest over his heart—in the forbidden zone. His breathing quickens. His heart is beating a frantic, pounding tattoo beneath my fingers. He doesn’t take his eyes off mine; his jaw is tense, his teeth clenched.
I gasp. Oh my Fifty! He’s letting me touch him. And it’s like all the air in my lungs has vaporized— gone. The blood is pounding in my ears as the rhythm of my heart rises to match his.

I am an all or nothing type of individual. I will love you with every part of me or not at all. I put my all into everything I do, I hate that half assed shit, I was never a fan of being teased with something and never being able to have it all. And I think it has something to do with the way my entire life has felt like a tease. I swear it feels like my life is synonymous with drowning in the ocean. I have never been a strong swimmer and wave after wave of that tumultuous yet beautiful blue green water holds me under and for a moment I’ll get a breathe of air. But it’s never for long and suddenly my lungs have to once again get used to the pain of water filling them instead of air. So maybe that’s why when I finally get the taste of good I’d rather just have all the bad because it becomes a series of motions that I can become numb to rather than the pain I feel when everything good disappears. It’s like the day I had you and you left. It’s like right now when I was given a taste of stability and I am suddenly back on the ground.

I long for you.

When I say that, I don’t just mean that I miss you. I don’t miss you; I yearn for you.

It’s like my heart strings are reaching out towards you, waiting for you to pluck them. Every breath of air from my lungs wants to scream your name, and my eardrums impatiently wait to hear my name come out of your mouth. My lips crave the taste of yours, and my tongue dances behind my teeth. My fingertips tingle in anticipation, waiting for you to put your hand in mine.

I need you, in every sense of the word. You are the oxygen I breathe and the sun that lights up my world. I long for you always.

I don’t know why, but whenever my friends would ask me if I love you, I get lost in track as if my mind had stopped functioning for a moment. Lumps form in my throat and it feels as if the air has escaped my lungs as I try my hardest to find the right words because I don’t want my answer to be just “yes”. I want them to know that my mornings aren’t bright without hearing your voice. I want them to know how I find it hard to breathe whenever you’re sad. How do I tell them that you’re the reason why I’d choose to stay awake instead of slumber, that even if I haven’t slept a wink I can still manage to do things as if I have slept for more than 8 hours? How do I explain to them that in between the sighs and exhales, you exist? That I don’t want you to remain forever spilled on these blank pages or lingering thoughts everytime I will hear your name. How do I tell them that no words could desribe the feeling of how your laugh had always sent chills down my spine? You turned my flaws into parts that I have learned to love and not even the word “yes” could justify the reason why I love the person I could never have.