the abyss of a teenage mind

a lion’s heart beats within this chest

okay, so here’s a new hc/au for that underwent a dramatic change from what it was in the beginning, thanks to @nicrt (the idea involves eating hearts, so you’re warned) definitely a new thing to try out.


  • okay, so, this started with the idea of a saarebas!noctis (from dragon age)
  • sewn lips, collar, blindfold, chains, a mage turned into a weapon
  • and it went from there
  • let’s say noct is 15 yo, just old enough to have started his magical training but still malleable
  • niflheim stages an abduction under the guise of an assassination, with drautos as the one taking noct away from insomnia
  • stealing the crown prince himself and turning him against his own father? they couldn’t pass up the chance
  • and it gave them prime study material to better understand the crystal and stage their eventual attack
  • noct is taken to gralea, experimented upon, turned into a finely tuned weapon
  • his link to the crystal held in check, they push him to develop his elemancy to the next level, until he could unleash destruction on par with their worst daemons
    • the first thing they did was isolate him
    • blindfold, to steal his sight
    • collar, to steal his voice and bind his powers until the time was right
    • a hood, to steal his identity
    • always forced to wear gloves, long sleeves, armor
    • no sign of skin ever showing
    • except for when they experiment on him, push him to his breaking point to remake him again
    • but they do find out one interesting thing 
    • the crystal’s power literal runs in one’s veins
  • he is tethered to either his handler, drautos, or to his “room”
  • if he’s not in a certain radius, his collar will disable him
  • eventually, they discovered that without his sight, his magical senses increased to compensate. and they ended up making it a permanent fixture
    • he actually likes going as close as he can bear to shiva’s resting place, the magic there pure and clean. nothing compared to the dead thing that haunts gralea
  • but on lucis’ side…
    • no one knows who the white clad spirit that fights so hard against them is
    • their magic as strong, or even stronger than that of the king
  • at some point, cor meets noct in battle, and he is horrified to recognize the boy he used to take fishing in niflheim’s best weapon
    • so much, that he doesn’t resist when noct runs him through with his own blade
    • the first kind touch noct receives in years is cor’s bloody hand on his face
    • “oh noctis, i am so, so sorry. i could not save you that day
    • noctis did not think he could still cry at this point
    • he was wrong
    • his first act of rebellion after so many years is stealing kotetsu and kikuichimonji from cor. hiding them from niflheim
  • when he gets back, he gets run through his usual tests, with one additionnal task : to eat this immortal’s heart
    • would it make him stronger? this is what verstael wanted to know
    • noctis fights like he hasn’t in years
    • they end up having to force feed it tohim
    • and it turns out they were right
    • he is faster, stronger, more resistant. his magic increased by the touch of the crystal’s power that ran through cor
  • from this point on, he is forced to eat the hearts of every kingsglaive and crownsguard he defeats in battle once he gets back to the capital
  • except, he was supposed to be the king of light, forever tethered to the crystal, his body altered just for this task
  • and slowly, noctis becomes a pseudo-crystal onto himself, absorbing the souls of the people whose hearts he eats
  • his very own line of warriors
  • not kings and queens, but survivors
  • and this is how he escapes

When Noctis finally breaks free, it is not his will that animates his limbs. No, the defiant teenager who had killed his own heart to survive is a faint thing in the abyss of his mind.

“You can rest for now, I am here” whispers a strong voice, a kind voice, someone he had known a lifetime ago.

It is hard to find himself in another body, balance and sight lost, but Noctis had been groomed as the perfect weapon. His body remembers what Cor does not know, and summoning his weapons is easy as breathing for one who was born to be the Crystal’s receptacle. Kotetsu and Kikuichimonji fit perfectly in those lithe hands, and he feels a pang of regret at being unable to see it for himself.

Dear body, forgive me for the lack of sleep and lack of food. I’ve been a mess for awhile now. I hope you can forgive me for the marks I’ve left across our skin in hope of finding some sort of control, it helped me pretend I could control something. Please Forgive me for the scars, but don’t think that they make you any less beautiful because they are proof that we are living and we are surviving and we are fighting again our self and the demons we have inside. Dear body, I am sorry that I am destroying our insides, creating problems that may not be easily fixed. Someday I will fall asleep without the help of medication. Dear body please forgive me for not being strong enough and allowing us to become part of the overwhelmingly large statistic of self hating, self harming teenagers. Dear mind, I am sorry that I allowed the darker side of you to control me for so long and that you have blurred the lines between healthy and sick and normal and un-normal and dear body, I promise that one morning I will wake up and thank you for doing your job and keeping me alive when all I’ve wanted for so long was to just fall into an empty abyss of not living and Dear me, I am sorry I have allowed myself to be so sad for so long, in the bottomless pit of emptiness and sorrow and I promise that when I can, we will crawl out, and finally be free.
Dear body, forgive me for the lack of sleep and lack of food. I’ve been a mess for awhile now. I hope you can forgive me for the marks I’ve left across our skin in hope of finding some sort of control, it helped me pretend I could control something. Please Forgive me for the scars, but don’t think that they make you any less beautiful because they are proof that we are living and we are surviving and we are fighting again our self and the demons we have inside. Dear body, I am sorry that I am destroying our insides, creating problems that may not be easily fixed. Someday I will fall asleep without the help of medication. Dear body please forgive me for not being strong enough and allowing us to become part of the overwhelmingly large statistic of self hating, self harming teenagers. Dear mind, I am sorry that I allowed the darker side of you to control me for so long and that you have blurred the lines between healthy and sick and normal and un-normal and dear body, I promise that one morning I will wake up and thank you for doing your job and keeping me alive when all I’ve wanted for so long was to just fall into an empty abyss of not living and Dear me, I am sorry I have allowed myself to be so sad for so long, in the bottomless pit of emptiness and sorrow and I promise that when I can, we will crawl out, and finally be free.

I’ve made a post similar to this before, and I apologize in advance if I’m beating a dead horse, but I’m just a tad perplexed. 

Full disclosure, just in case you didn’t know, I come from a standpoint of transmedicalism, truscum, etc: basically my core belief is that my transsexuality is a medical condition. My transition was entirely fueled by medical necessity to treat my dysphoria in the most reasonable way possible. I have been on testosterone for over 2 years and I am almost 5 months post-op. Remember this, because this will be important later. Aside from my staunch belief in medicalizing my transition, my beliefs are my own. My belief outside of this is that as long as you’re not hurting yourself or others, you do you and I support you. I’m a massive supporter of informed consent clinics, access to care with minimal red tape and gatekeeping, and I believe that inclusive care needs to be a priority of the American healthcare system. 

Also keep in mind that this next part, I can only speak about American-centric standards of care– because those are the only systems I’ve actively participated in, so please understand I’m not attempting to speak for reasonable solutions for every country, and you may disagree based on your personal circumstances.

Anyway, back to my main point: what positives would come from divorcing transition from medical necessity? 

In short, healthcare coverage in the US is abyssal– it’s a broken system and it’s not just trans people who are left in the lurch. I was told as a teenager that my hearing aids would not be covered because then “they’d have to cover them for everyone else.” If that sounds ridiculous, that’s because it is. We wound up paying nearly $1000 out of pocket for something that was medically necessary. 

Similarly, my transition has been expensive. By some sort of luck, my insurance covered my psychiatric care and check-ups related to my transition, but that was where that stopped (keep in mind, this didn’t mean my appointments were free– they were however reasonably reduced from several hundred to anywhere between $30-100 depending on the types of appointment). I have paid over $300 for testosterone over the past 2 years, my surgery cost $8305 out of pocket, and by the time I’m done the cost to update all of my documents accordingly will have cost about $300. None of this accounts for what the eventual cost of a hysterectomy and lower surgery (which for me will most likely be phalloplasty) will cost, but let’s say both are unattainable without inclusive medical coverage. Luckily for me, lots of states are moving towards recognizing transition as a medical necessity and I won’t force myself into further debt just to feel at ease with my body. 

Removing the medical aspect from any of these facets of my life doesn’t make my life easier, and instead it will make it nearly impossible. The medical community would view these as “life choices” and everything would be seen as cosmetic as a result. As it stands, there’s minimal gatekeeping on cosmetic procedures– you can get as many as your checkbook can cover. For trans people, however, it wouldn’t become as simple as gatekeeping– it wouldn’t be a gate, it would be a wall. Suddenly transition would only be accessible to those wealthy enough to access it, of which I know very few people who fall into that bracket. I have never met a single transmedicalist in my life who wants to live in this world– because we wouldn’t be immune to the fallout.

We need to remove this idea that having a “medical condition” is a bad thing. I have lots of medical conditions, and I’m sure you do too. Humans are ultimately fallible and it takes a lot to keep us running. I am hard of hearing, a recovering asthmatic, with bad eyesight, surgically corrected orthopedic deformities, who has transitioned– I want all of these to be treated with the same competency and care. 

In no way am I advocating for self hate, nor do I want transsexualism to be seen as a mental illness, rather I just want  accessible, inclusive care to be seen as a no-brainer.