thats how anyone gets anything done

sept 20

Prepare for a not so happy entry, because today has been rough. I do have good news though, and I now have an official date that he’s coming out with new music. I’m excited because that means a tour, and that means I see him again soon. My prayers have been answered as far as asking for anything I could get, of course, God delivered as always. 

Anyways, today has just been a weird feeling. If I had a way to describe it I’d say it feels really messy. I missed my 8AM today because when I woke up I would have rather done anything but get up and get ready. I had a good cry last night, and anyone who has ever cried before bed knows you wake up feeling like you’re hungover. At least thats what I think a hangover would feel like, but I wouldn’t know. 

I just feel plain sad. I don’t think there’s any poetry in how this feels right now. I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of explosive tears and I can’t control them as well as I used to. I just feel like sitting in my room and letting myself just cry that awful cry where you have to use a pillow so your parents aren’t concerned. I don’t even know why, which might just be the worst part. Things are going well, he’s coming back to me soon, but to be completely selfish for a moment soon doesn’t feel soon enough. 

I guess all I can really say today is that there is a good news update but not feelings wise. I saw him today and it felt like nothing I want to feel again. I hear the voices of people around him and I can feel a part of me breaking with the jealousy of the simple fact that there are people with him. There are people in his company when I would do anything to be in their place right now. I know he feels the same, though. I know he thinks about the people around me and he would do anything to be them as well but it’s so hard to have to see it. It doesn’t make it less hard. 

I just miss him. I miss his hands and his eyes, and I miss his voice and everything in between. I always say it’s so weird to miss a frame I’ve yet to know, but I do, somehow. At night I miss him beside me where he’s never been, and when I walk alone I could reach for a hand that’s never held mine. But he’s so embedded into me that that’s how it feels. To curl my hand and feel nothing feels like how silence sounds. It’s the ringing you hear in an empty room. It’s not offensive but it’s uncomfortable. I don’t want to get used to it.

yeah, i figured while i was reading the update that this was gonna be a widely asked question in my inbox, and it is sure enough, and i mean all i can really say is yeah? i never really said bro wasnt an asshole, hell 90% of my jokes involve him being a huge ridiculous asshole. though i feel like the real elephant in the room here though is people asking if i still like him as a character and if will still enjoy cosplaying him, so ill address that under the cut

Keep reading

my rant bc done

i am so mad at everyone.
1. im not mad at johnnie or jessica or the people backing johnnie or the people backing jessica, im mad at this fandom as a whole. we drove taylor away, dont deny it bc we did. so many of you dont understand, having taylor on tumblr, getting in on our jokes, sending us things talking to us it was all a LUXURY. it was absolutely amazing and bc of all this shit that has gone on we actually drove her away from us. seriously, this whole thing should have stayed between the victims and the accused, i dont give a fuck who said what, i dont give a fuck what was said and what was true or edited or what the fuck ever, i dont care. you know why i dont care ? BC ITS NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS. YES OKAY HATE IS HORRIBLE. DISGUSTING RUDE IGNORANT HATE IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS EVERYONE KNOWS THAT AND IF HE DID OR DIDNT IT DOESNT MATTER, NO ONE SHOULD EVER HATE ANYONE AND IF IT HAPPENED IT WAS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IN THE WRONG.
however. this is the INTERNET. theres going to be shit people. theres going to be people who dont know you and will say shit about you and you know what? ACCEPT THAT OR GET OFF THE FRICKEN INTERNET. everyone warns you when your 8 years old that you dont know who your talking to, that millions of people are on at the exact same time as you and you DONT KNOW THEM. so if some dickhead comes along saying how ugly your page is then honey USE THE FUCKING BLOCK BUTTON OKAY LIKE SERIOUSLY BLOCK THE FUCK OUTTA THAT SLOB BC THEY HAVE NO SAY IN WHO YOU ARE OR HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. okay? this didnt need to blow up as big as it has, and now theres FUCKING news articles being written about it bc its so blown out of proportion that apparently taylor was threatening to leave us and hates us and we hate her and whatever bullshit they came up with
again, i link back to, IF YOU WERE NOT INVOLVED,THIS SITUATION IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
YOU DONT HAVE TO FORGIVE EACHOTHER. HELL YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO APOLOGISE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO ? KEEP IT BETWEEN YOU TWO, BLOCK EACHOTHER AND CARRY ON WITH YOUR LIVES CUS LET ME TELL YOU WHEN YOUR 40 YEARS OLD THERES NO CHANCE IN HELL YOUR GONNA BE SITTING THERE GOING “sigh remember that boy on instagram that told me that my blog was ugly wow he was so right im so shit at everything” OR “ oh remember that girl on instagram that i told to kill herself i hope shes okay and didnt take me too seriously wow sorry RANDOM STRANGER” LIKE UGH OKAY YES BULLYING IS BAD YES HE NEEDED TO APOLOGISE AND NO SHE DIDNT HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM
BUT THEY COULD HAVE WORKED TOGETHER TO MAKE SURE THIS THING DIDNT GET AS BIG AS IT DID BUT THEY DIDNT DO THAT AND THATS WHAT IM MAINLY PISSED ABOUT

2. LEAVE. TAYLOR. ALONE.
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TAYLOR. NOTHING. AT ALL. NOT EVEN A SMIDGIN. NOTHING. JUST. NOTHING. SHE HASNT SAID A WORD ABOUT WHATS BEEN DONE, SHE HASNT CHOSEN A SIDE OR PICKED ON ANYONE OR SAID ANYTHING WAS WRONG ALL SHES DONE WAS LIKE ABOUT 5 POSTS ALL ALONG THE LINES OF “HOW ABOUT WE JUST STAY OUT OF IT” BUT NOOOOOOO YOU ALL JUST HAD TO PUSH DIDNT YOU? YOU MAY SAY THAT IM SO FAR UP HER ASS I CANT SEE WHEN SHE MAKES A MISTAKE OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IF STICKING UP FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE IS KISSING ASS THEN MY HAND IS STRAIGHT IN THE AIR I AM THE BIGGEST ASS KISSER ON THE INTERNET. YOUR ALL ACTING LIKE SHES MADE THIS HUGE FUCK UP BUT LIKE WTF HAS SHE ACTUALLY DONE? NOTHING???? AND EVEN OUT OF SOME BIZARE REASONING YOU THINK SHES IN THE WRONG, I DONT KNOW WHERE YOU ALL LIVE BUT OVER HERE IN AUSTRALIA WE GOT THIS PRETTY BIG THING CALLED MATESHIP. WHICH BASICALLY MEANS HAVING YOUR MATES BACK 24/7. EVEN THEY FUCK UP. DO YOU ALWAYS AGREE WITH IT? NO. DO YOU SUPPORT THEM ANYWAY? YES. WHY? BECAUSE THEIR YOUR FUCKING MATE. YOUR THE ONES THAT ARE ALWAYS PREACHING AND PREYING ABOUT HOW TAYLORS YOUR BEST FRIEND, YET YOU TURN ON HER AS SOON AS SHE HAS A DIFFERENT OPINION TO YOU. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU? CUS I KNOW FOR CERTAIN I WOULDNT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE IF YOUR DEFINITION OF MATESHIP IS LEAVEING AND ACCUSING ME OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT READING BETWEEN THE LINES FUCKERY EVERY TIME I HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION FROM YOU. TAYLOR IS ALWAYS GETTING SHIT FROM THE MEDIA, ALWAYS, AND NOW YOUVE STARTED TOO? SOME PEOPLE HAVE EVEN SAID THEY DONT CARE IF SHE COMES BACK ON TUMBLR LIKE EXCUSE YOU????? YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MAY NOT CARE BUT YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS THAT I DO. YES SHE FOLLOWS ME AND YES THAT IS AMAZING BUT IVE NEVER GOTTEN TO TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND HOW MUCH SHE FUCKING MEANS TO ME AND IM NOT GONNA STOP UNTIL THAT HAPPENS, AND NOW ALL YOU DICKHEADS HAVE MADE IT A MILLION TIMES HARDER, ALL BC YOU THINK SHE SHOULDVE PRESSED A BUTTON WHEN SHES ON A SOCIAL MEDIA SITE. GET. FUCKED.

I MAY LOOSE FOLLOWERS FOR THIS BUT YOU KNOW WHAT CANT TAKE IT DONT GIVE IT. NOW BC IVE JUST SPENT 20 MINUTES OF MY LIFE WRITING THIS FOR YOU UNEDUCATED IDIOTS IF I FAIL MY HISTORY ASSIGNMENT ITS ON YOU. IM ANGRY. BYE.