Prepare for a not so happy entry, because today has been rough. I do have good news though, and I now have an official date that he’s coming out with new music. I’m excited because that means a tour, and that means I see him again soon. My prayers have been answered as far as asking for anything I could get, of course, God delivered as always.
Anyways, today has just been a weird feeling. If I had a way to describe it I’d say it feels really messy. I missed my 8AM today because when I woke up I would have rather done anything but get up and get ready. I had a good cry last night, and anyone who has ever cried before bed knows you wake up feeling like you’re hungover. At least thats what I think a hangover would feel like, but I wouldn’t know.
I just feel plain sad. I don’t think there’s any poetry in how this feels right now. I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of explosive tears and I can’t control them as well as I used to. I just feel like sitting in my room and letting myself just cry that awful cry where you have to use a pillow so your parents aren’t concerned. I don’t even know why, which might just be the worst part. Things are going well, he’s coming back to me soon, but to be completely selfish for a moment soon doesn’t feel soon enough.
I guess all I can really say today is that there is a good news update but not feelings wise. I saw him today and it felt like nothing I want to feel again. I hear the voices of people around him and I can feel a part of me breaking with the jealousy of the simple fact that there are people with him. There are people in his company when I would do anything to be in their place right now. I know he feels the same, though. I know he thinks about the people around me and he would do anything to be them as well but it’s so hard to have to see it. It doesn’t make it less hard.
I just miss him. I miss his hands and his eyes, and I miss his voice and everything in between. I always say it’s so weird to miss a frame I’ve yet to know, but I do, somehow. At night I miss him beside me where he’s never been, and when I walk alone I could reach for a hand that’s never held mine. But he’s so embedded into me that that’s how it feels. To curl my hand and feel nothing feels like how silence sounds. It’s the ringing you hear in an empty room. It’s not offensive but it’s uncomfortable. I don’t want to get used to it.