thatdiabolicalfeminist

some good consent phrases

“May I hug you?”

“When I ask you if you want to do something, you know it’s always okay to say no, right?”

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?”

“How do you feel about (x activity)?”

(When someone’s insecure about having said no and asks if it’s okay/if you’re mad or upset they said no) “I’m disappointed to not do the thing, of course, but I’m much more glad you were willing to tell me (no/that you were uncomfortable/etc.). That’s really important to me. Thank you.”

“I’d ALWAYS rather be told no than make you feel pressured or do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable.”

“I care about you, so when something I do hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, I want to know, because I don’t like making you feel bad.”

“You can always change your mind, okay? The moment you wanna (stop/go home/take a break/etc), PLEASE tell me and we’ll stop right away. I won’t make a fuss, I don’t wanna keep going if you don’t want to.”

“Wanna do (x)? It’s okay if not, but I think it would be (fun/worthwhile/prudent).”

(When starting a social phone call): “Hey, are you busy right now?”

(When confirming plans made earlier): “Hey, are you still up for doing (x) at (time) on (day)?”

“Can I vent a little about (x)?”

“Can I tell you something (gross/depressing)?”

“Are you comfortable talking about it?”

“Do you think you could talk me through this problem I’ve been having? If you have the time and emotional energy of course.”

“It’s okay if that doesn’t work for you.”

“I’m interested in spending more time with you. Would you be interested in doing (x) together on (y day)?”

“No? Well let me know if you ever want to do something else.” (leave it open! don’t nag! let it go!)

“You don’t seem very interested in this. Should we skip it?”

(When someone doesn’t seem interested in something you were suggesting) “We can just (do something you both want to do) instead.” (don’t try to get them to do the thing again! let it go!)

Consent culture - it’s about way more than just sex!

Give people as much freedom as possible to make their own choices without pressure or control.

Even children deserve as much autonomy as allows them to remain safe and get their needs met - remember, you can’t train a child to make good/safe/healthy choices without ever giving them choices. A child who is taught to respect consent is a child who doesn’t assault people! A child who knows they have a right to say no is a child who knows that someone who infringes on their autonomy isn’t supposed to do that.

A consent-conscious relationship is a healthier and safer relationship, and a person who is aware of and deliberate about asking for, giving, receiving, refusing, and accepting refusals of consent is a healthier and safer person.

Getting rid of nazis on your blog

Hey, if you’re sick of nazis on your Tumblr but you keep on having to block new ones, Tumblr’s most recent experimental feature can probably really help you out. It’s called Reblog Graphs and you can test it here

Basically, what it does is show you a network of how your post was reblogged and who were big influencers in getting lots of reblogs. That’s useful in general but extra usefull if you want to know who to block to get rid of shit on your dash. 

For example, this post that I wrote got a lot of notes and when I use Reblog Graphs is generates this graph:

I’m the yellow dot and all the other dots are reblogs, the bigger the dot, the most reblogs originated from that reblog. Next, I can click on the dots and see who they are and what content they added. For example:

When @thatdiabolicalfeminist reblogged my post the result was a lot of supportive reblogs, helpful feedback and conversations that I want to have. 

But check out the other cluster: 

When wogbeginatcalais reblogged my post the result was a stream of hateful comments by white supremacist, nazi blogs and nazi trolls. Not stuff I want and one reblog started all of it. 

I had blocked a lot of white supremacist blogs when the hate started, but according to Reblog Graph I missed out on quite a lot of the most important blogs that were causing my post to be noticed by these shits in the first place. By blocking key nazi dots in this chain, I can now more effectively stop nazi shits from finding my posts. Good to know!

That’s all. Happy Tumblring. 

Originally posted by beatingthebinary

6

https://mobile.twitter.com/CaseyExplosion/status/957315309580574721?s=19
https://mobile.twitter.com/zoeblade/status/1004758963441881093

TERFs are no better than the Red Pill community.

@aridara, @luchagcaileag, @an-average-sized-person, @theroguefeminist, @thatdiabolicalfeminist, @terflies, @ramennoodlelord, @muchymozzarella, @heartandstride, @nerdymouse, @heavendeathx, and @mbpokemonrulez

Resources masterpost

Because I’ve been getting more asks than I have the capability to answer, I decided to put together a list of extremely helpful blogs that I follow, as well as an index of my own tags on the subjects. I’m not saying you shouldn’t message me, but if I’m not able to answer then these may help.

Asexuality and aromanticism

  • @theasexualityblog
  • @fuckyeahasexual
  • @a-spec-tacular
  • @a-positive
  • @aroadventures
  • @ace-and-aro-support-group
  • @asexualsafetag
  • @actuallyasexual
  • @asexuality-and-aphobia (my discourse blog)
  • ace positivity
  • aro positivity
  • aphobia tag
  • aromanticism tag
  • asexuality tag
  • attraction tag
  • aphobia masterpost

Gender

  • @transboysunited
  • @transgenderteensurvivalguide
  • @transgenderadvice
  • @mytranshealth
  • @lifeoutsidethebinary
  • @nb-aceceptance
  • @nonbinaryresource
  • binding tag
  • coming out tag
  • dysphoria tag
  • gender tag
  • nonbinary tag
  • trans issues tag
  • trans men tag
  • trans women tag
  • trans resources masterpost
  • The Librarian’s Gender Masterpost

Everything else LGBTQIA

  • @lgbt-advice-page
  • @goodpositivitylgbt
  • @letters-to-lgbt-kids
  • @itgetsbetterproject
  • @equalityspeaks
  • @outforhealth
  • bisexuality tag
  • coming out tag
  • intersex tag
  • lgbtq tag
  • orientation tag
  • orientation masterpost
  • sexuality and gender masterpost
  • The Librarian’s Sexuality Masterpost

Life

  • @howtogrowthefuckup
  • @howtoimpersonateanadult
  • @lowspoonsfood
  • @realsocialskills
  • @whoneedssexed
  • @plannedparenthood
  • @themidwifeisin
  • adulting tag
  • consent tag
  • health tag
  • how to help tag
  • life advice tag
  • reference tag
  • relationships tag
  • school tag
  • sex tag
  • sex ed tag

Abuse and trauma

  • @all-about-abuse
  • @emotionalabuseawareness
  • @shtmyabusersays
  • @advicefromsurvivors
  • @neurodivergentabusesupport
  • @abuseresources
  • @help-with-toxic-relationships
  • @psychabuse101
  • @support-for-survivors
  • @oftoxicparents
  • @speakingofabuse
  • @letstalkaboutrape
  • abuse tag
  • abuse support tag
  • abuse tactics tag
  • abuse tips tag
  • C-PTSD tag
  • child abuse tag
  • child sexual abuse tag
  • child-on-child sexual abuse tag
  • consent tag
  • domestic abuse tag
  • emotional abuse tag
  • escaping abuse tag
  • friendship abuse tag
  • gaslighting tag
  • parental abuse tag
  • PTSD tag
  • rape tag
  • trauma tag
  • triggers tag

Chronic illness and disability

  • @spooniestrong
  • @chronic-illness-support
  • @thespoontheory
  • @chronicillnesshelp
  • @actuallyadhd
  • @autisticadvocacy
  • @autisticliving
  • @askaboutautism
  • @neurowonderful
  • @queerautism
  • ADHD tag
  • autism tag
  • autism traits tag
  • chronic illness tag
  • disability tag

Mental illness

  • @mentalillnessmouse
  • @tswatch
  • @depressionresource
  • @clinicallydepressedpug
  • @mentalhealthexperiences
  • @thedissociationnation
  • @anxiety-depression-recovery
  • @dissociationdays
  • @fyoured
  • @notdefinedbyed
  • @everythingeatingdisordered
  • @butterfly-project
  • @shitborderlinesdo
  • @borderlinebravery
  • @livingwithcptsd
  • @complexptsd
  • @ptsdrecoverygroup
  • @posttraumaticstresssurvivors
  • @dbtskills
  • @stuff-i-got-in-therapy
  • addiction tag
  • anxiety tag
  • bipolar disorder tag
  • depression tag
  • dissociation tag
  • eating disorder tag
  • executive dysfunction tag
  • hotlines tag
  • intrusive thoughts tag
  • medication tag
  • mental illness tag
  • panic attack tag
  • self harm tag
  • suicide tag
  • therapy tag
  • trauma tag
  • suicide prevention masterpost

Positivity and self care

  • @chooserecovery
  • @sheisrecovering
  • @onlinecounsellingcollege
  • @positivedoodles
  • @selfcarereminders
  • @killyouranxiety
  • @slightlyaggressiveaffirmations
  • @internal-acceptance-movement
  • @self-care-club
  • @anti-self-hate
  • @self-care-strategies
  • @selfcarepropaganda
  • @cwote
  • @yourenotalones
  • @goodstuffhappenedtoday
  • bodyposipanda.com
  • body image tag
  • coping skills tag
  • distractions tag
  • recovery tag
  • relapse tag
  • reminders tag
  • self care tag
  • masterposts: 1, 2, 3, 4

Feminism and social justice

  • @intersectionalfeminism101
  • @profeminist
  • @thatdiabolicalfeminist
  • @fuckingrapeculture
  • @worldfeminism
  • @fightingmisogynoir
  • @thisiseverydayracism
  • feminism tag
  • racism tag
  • rape culture tag
  • take action tag
Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet

 Out of curiosity, I recently googled “Am I lesbian quiz”. Half the “Are You a Lesbian” quizzes just asked outright, “Are you attracted to women?” as though that isn’t the very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about as you explore your identity.

These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize they’re lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.

It’s mostly stuff that I and other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if you’re a lesbian can be hard.

‘Attraction’ to men

  • Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities
  • Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him
  • Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)
  • Picking a guy at random to be attracted to
  • Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing
  • Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them
  • Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way (losing interest when a long-haired or androgynous guy cuts off his hair or grows a beard is common)
  • Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with
  • Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate
  • Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them
  • Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them
  • Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

  • Feeling anxious and put on the spot any time you interact with any guy who could conceivably be interested in you, even if he doesn’t make a move
  • Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man
  • Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

  • Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

  • Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

  • Going along with escalation because it seems like the 'appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

  • Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness
  • Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

  • Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic
  • Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually
  • Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends
  • Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals
  • Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless
  • After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with
  • Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

  • Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted
  • OR: preferring to 'be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore
  • Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance
  • Only having sex with men that’s about fulfilling their fantasies or pleasing them
  • Spending the whole time making sure you look or sound hot and not really thinking about what feels good
  • Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
  • Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and that you’re crying etc for no reason)
  • Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it
  • Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him
  • Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing
  • Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

Early interest in women

  • Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women
  • Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else
  • Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)
  • Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend
  • Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic
  • Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent
  • Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate
  • Thinking relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”
  • When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend”
  • Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people
  • Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)
  • Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men, and being more careful not to look than they are
  • Spending a lot of time looking at women and appreciating/being curious about their bodies
  • Being really curious about women who defy gender roles in some way, finding defying gender roles in dress, behaviour, styling etc really appealing and cool

The 'straight’ version of you

  • Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women
  • Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media
  • Thinking you’re just a super intense feminist for genuinely thinking women are amazing and having an overwhelming preference for their company
  • Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest”/“fashion goals”
  • Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men
  • Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally and v empathetic
  • Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+
  • Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.
  • Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay

Exploring attraction to women

  • Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman
  • Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman
  • Thinking you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know
  • Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position
  • Really focusing on the women in het porn
  • Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys on’
  • Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that
  • Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when you’re inebriated or otherwise impaired

Gender Feelings

  • Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian
  • Thinking that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean that you can’t be a woman even if that’s what feels closest to right - many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since it’s so bound up in heteropatriarchy
  • Knowing you’re attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if you’re a straight man or a lesbian
  • Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you
  • Wishing straight people and/or men didn’t parse you as a woman, but being totally comfortable with the idea of other women seeing you as one of them
  • Knowing you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian
  • Knowing you’re gay, but feeling like you’re struggling against comp het stuff – discomfort, obligation, fear, disinterest, self-objectification, etc. – when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man
  • Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time

Considering lesbianism

  • Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you don’t already know you are one you can’t be
  • Feeling alienated from all the male-gazey unrealistic depictions of lesbians as only being young thin rich white cis abled conventionally attractive gender conforming straight actresses in tv/movies/porn and thinking that alienation means you can’t be gay
  • Discovering that your type is gnc women or women who share your underrepresented demographic and that’s why you’re not really attracted to celebrities
  • Not feeling attracted to straight women but suddenly having lots of crushes when you know for sure certain women are bi/gay
  • Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like you’re just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy
  • Suppressing your lesbian dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean you’re a bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly
  • Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men
  • Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you
  • Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian
  • Worrying that bc you can’t be 100% sure you’re not attracted to men and can’t be 100% sure you won’t change your mind, you can’t be a lesbian
  • Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake
  • Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of/lack of interest in any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian

Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. It’s all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If you’re worried that you can’t be a lesbian even though it’s the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian. 

And if you’re not sure yet – if you took the time to read this entire thing because you’re curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list – you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly aren’t cishet. Welcome.

(I’d love to hear other things lesbians wish you’d known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)

anonymous asked:

I just saw your post/ask about sapiosexuality and I have a question. Isn't it only ableist to judge people's intelligence based on their looks? But if a person (like my friend) is sapiosexual, it's just like a form of demisexuality, where they don't experience attraction UNTIL they get to know the person and are attracted to their intelligence..?

I believe you’re referring to this ask and response by Mod Marie-Rose.

Well first I’m highly confused about how it would only be considered ableist if you were judging based on looks? Because that’s not what ableism is. 

Secondly the term sapiosexual is: 

It’s especially shitty because it begins equating your personal interests as “intelligence” and diminishes those who are “lacking” in your personal interest. Here’s a post that says it way better than me.

In addition to this, no, it’s not just like a form of demisexuality. Some more on that. Aand more.

As one user put it, “you’re not attracted to intelligence you’re repulsed by disability.”

I would highly suggest you check out both @thatdiabolicalfeminist​ and @bi-privilege​ and their “sapiosexual” tags. That’s where I got a lot of these links from. 

Also maybe check out the sapiosexual tag and see several people with disabilities, PoC, and LGBTQ+ people saying why this term is so disgusting and harmful..? There’s tons of them.

Mod Bethany

*note that a lot of these links also cover other topics, such as some of them attached to misogynistic might also mention the ableism. 

Resources Masterpost 2.0

I made one of these a while back, but all the links broke while I was editing it, so fuck it, here’s a brand new post. 

This post is a list of helpful blogs and an index of my own tags for the people who’ve sent me messages that I haven’t been able to answer because of my illness, those who aren’t sure how to ask, and those who didn’t know they needed to ask in the first place. 

PS: This post is linked under the ‘help’ button on my blog.

Asexuality and aromanticism

  • @ace-and-aro-support-group
  • @actuallyasexual
  • @a-positive
  • @aroadventures
  • @aroacepositivityplace
  • @asexualsafetag
  • @a-spec-tacular
  • @fuckyeahasexual
  • @resourcesforacesurvivors
  • @theasexualityblog
  • @asexuality-and-aphobia (my discourse blog)
  • theasexualityblog’s resources page
  • ace positivity
  • aro positivity
  • aphobia
  • aromanticism
  • asexuality
  • asexuality resources
  • attraction
  • aphobia masterpost

Gender

  • @afab-advice-help
  • @lifeoutsidethebinary
  • @mytranshealth
  • @nb-aceceptance
  • @nonbinaryresource
  • @transboysunited
  • @transfeminformative
  • @transgenderadvice
  • @transgenderteensurvivalguide
  • @trans-matters
  • binding
  • coming out
  • dysphoria
  • gender
  • nonbinary
  • trans issues
  • trans men
  • trans women
  • trans resources
  • The Librarian’s Gender Masterpost

Everything else LGBTQIA

  • @goodpositivitylgbt
  • @itgetsbetterproject
  • @lgbt-advice-page
  • @letters-to-lgbt-kids
  • @outforhealth
  • bisexuality
  • coming out
  • intersex
  • lgbtq
  • orientation
  • orientation masterpost
  • sexuality and gender masterpost
  • The Librarian’s Sexuality Masterpost

Life

  • @howtogrowthefuckup
  • @howtoimpersonateanadult
  • @lowspoonsfood
  • @plannedparenthood
  • @realsocialskills
  • @sexetc
  • ​@task-breakdown
  • @themidwifeisin
  • @whoneedssexed
  • adulting
  • consent
  • eating
  • health
  • how to help
  • important
  • life advice
  • reference
  • relationships
  • school
  • sex
  • sex ed
  • sleep

Chronic illness, disability, and neurodiversity

  • @actuallyadhd
  • @autisticadvocacy
  • @autism-asks
  • @autisticliving
  • @chronicillnesshelp
  • @chronicillnessproblems
  • @neurowonderful
  • @queerautism
  • @spooniestrong
  • @thespoontheory
  • @youngchronicpain
  • autism-asks’ resources page
  • ADHD
  • autism
  • autism traits
  • chronic illness
  • chronic pain
  • disability
  • stimming

Abuse and trauma

  • @abuseresources
  • @abusetroubles
  • @advicefromsurvivors
  • @all-about-abuse
  • @complexptsd
  • @emotionalabuseawareness
  • @emotionalabusesurvivors
  • @healing-phoenix
  • @letstalkaboutrape
  • @livingwithcptsd
  • @loveisrespect
  • @oftoxicparents
  • @posttraumaticstresssurvivors
  • @ptsdrecoverygroup
  • @sexual-abuse-survivor-support
  • @speakingofabuse
  • @support-for-survivors
  • @undothedamage
  • abuse
  • abuse support
  • abuse tactics
  • abuse tips
  • C-PTSD
  • child abuse
  • child sexual abuse
  • child-on-child sexual abuse
  • consent
  • domestic abuse
  • emotional abuse
  • escaping abuse
  • friendship abuse
  • gaslighting
  • parental abuse
  • PTSD
  • rape
  • trauma
  • triggers

Mental illness

  • @borderlinebravery
  • @butterfly-project
  • @clinicallydepressedpug
  • @dbtskills
  • @depressionresource
  • @dissociationdays
  • @everythingeatingdisordered
  • @fyoured
  • @imalivecrisischat
  • @mentalhealthexperiences
  • @mentalillnessmouse
  • @notdefinedbyed
  • @shitborderlinesdo
  • @stuff-i-got-in-therapy
  • @thedissociationnation
  • @therapy101
  • @tswatch
  • addiction
  • anxiety
  • bipolar disorder
  • BPD
  • depression
  • dissociation
  • eating disorder
  • executive dysfunction
  • hotlines
  • intrusive thoughts
  • medication
  • mental illness
  • OCD
  • panic attack
  • psychosis
  • self harm
  • suicide
  • therapy
  • trauma

Positivity and self care

  • @anti-self-hate
  • @chooserecovery
  • @cwote
  • @goodstuffhappenedtoday
  • @internal-acceptance-movement
  • @killyouranxiety
  • @onlinecounsellingcollege
  • @positiveautistic
  • @positivedoodles
  • @positivityinrecovery
  • @princess-of-positivity​
  • @self-care-club
  • @selfcarepropaganda
  • @selfcarereminders
  • @self-care-strategies​
  • @selfcaretips
  • @sheisrecovering
  • @slightlyaggressiveaffirmations
  • bodyposipanda.com
  • body image
  • breathing
  • coping skills
  • DBT
  • distractions
  • recovery
  • relapse
  • reminders
  • self care
  • masterposts: 1, 2, 3, 4

Social issues

  • @bigfatscience
  • @fatphobiabusters
  • @fightingmisogynoir
  • @fuckingrapeculture
  • @intersectionalfeminism101
  • @profeminist
  • @thatdiabolicalfeminist
  • @thisiseverydayracism
  • @worldfeminism
  • Christianity
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  • ableism
  • feminism
  • politics
  • racism
  • rape culture
  • take action

Our culture really romanticises the idea of a (usually male) brooding misunderstood loner who’s an asshole to everyone but secretly has a heart of gold, so it’s frighteningly easy to meet a guy who treats everyone around him badly and believe without evidence that he has a heart of gold. 

Don’t fall for it.

And a lapse in cruelty is not evidence of kindness.

Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet, AMAB edition

There’s an excellent post from @thatdiabolicalfeminist on common experiences of lesbians making the rounds, and I’ve tried to come up with a starting point for AMAB lesbians as well. Thanks to @androxibot​ for the idea for this and the encouragement! 

There’s obviously a fair amount of overlap, plus some things in the original which already were particular to AMAB lesbians, so I’ve kept those in.

This is definitely only a starting point – I’ve included my own experiences as well as ones that I know I’ve talked with other folks about, but that’s obviously a quite limited set. So feel free to add your own!

I’ve also divided this up into pre- and post- transition sections, because that’s what made the most sense to me. Please don’t take this as any judgement of the validity of people who cannot or choose not to transition.

Last bit of preamble – please note that I’m an olds and a rather late transitioner. Some of my experiences are influenced by being born in 1971, and growing up in a conservative Catholic military household. I didn’t know about gay men and lesbians until I was a teenager. I didn’t even hear about being transgender as a “thing” other than as a gross joke (thank you Ace Ventura) until sometime in my 20s, but I resolved to be “normal” instead. My mom was severely depressed in an era where there were poor treatment options, and my dad was home usually one weekend a month or so. So, for most of my childhood, I was effectively un-parented. Overall, this means I’m probably weird and my experiences may not be relevant to yours!

Pre-transition

  • Knowing you’re gay, but experiencing a lot of the symptoms of comp het when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man
  • Dating gay men because that’s who “real” women date men and while maybe these are gay or bi men, at least you’re dating men.
  • With men, being really inexplicably emotionally upset with receiving anal sex and not super interested in giving oral, although you try. Avoiding receiving oral.
  • Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities
  • Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch
  • Picking a guy at random to be attracted to
  • Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way
  • Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
  • Reading a lot of hetero romance, or urban fantasy or similar genre, putting yourself in the place of the woman and trying like hell to internalize her feelings about her lovers. (this can be post-transition too)
  • Settling on identifying as bi or pan because you can’t give up on your attraction to women even though you know you “should” like men.
  • Knowing you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian
  • With women, trying to avoid PIV as much as possible, as well as avoiding receiving oral sex. Basically, trying to just give oral sex only for anything beyond making out.
  • Learning how to fake an orgasm when you do feel unavoidably obligated to perform PIV.
  • Not realizing you can set boundaries around what kind of sex you are willing to have.
  • Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people
  • Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you
  • Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)

Post-transition

  • “Now that I’m on HRT I expect my attraction to men to really spark. It didn’t work with gay men for obvious reasons, but now that straight men will perceive me correctly as a woman, it will take off”
  • “My attraction to women will drop off now that I don’t have to perform male socialization”
  • Flirting with unattainable men (online with men who live in distant cities, etc).
  • Feeling really flattered when men buy you a drink or flirt with you, but never following through with them.
  • Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”
  • Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic
  • Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
  • Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted
  • OR: preferring to ‘be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore
  • Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centered, and/or when they are fetishizing you.
  • Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason)
  • Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing
  • Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to
  • Not being able to distinguish between wanting to embody the qualities you see in a particular woman and being attracted to her.
  • Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else
  • Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent
  • Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people but now with the addition of being terrified of socializing in lesbian spaces because you’ve heard about TERFs and how all cis lesbians hate trans women.
  • Thinking you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know
  • Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you, especially if the way those parts of your body have changed due to transition has mitigated an entirely different form of dysphoria for you.
  • Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian
  • Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake
  • Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian
  • Worrying that being attracted to women means you’re really a straight man and not a real trans woman, this is the big one.

So @thatdiabolicalfeminist made a really, really good post about common experiences of lesbians, with a large part of it being focused on compulsory heterosexuality.

As an aroace person, I too related with a lot of the post, so I wanted to share from an aspec perspective, but didn’t want to derail their original post as it was for lesbians and lesbian experiences. This is literally a copy-paste of the compulsory heterosexuality part of their post, and they deserve all the credit for this list.

So here’s to all the aromantic and asexual people who can relate to these things. I found it really useful for recognising behaviours myself, I hope it helps other people too.

‘Attraction’ to men

  • Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities
  • Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him
  • Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)
  • Picking a guy at random to be attracted to
  • Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing
  • Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them
  • Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way
  • Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with
  • Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate
  • Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them
  • Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them
  • Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

  • Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man
  • Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

  • Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

  • Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

  • Going along with escalation because it seems like the ‘appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

  • Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness
  • Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

  • Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic
  • Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually
  • Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends
  • Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals
  • Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless
  • After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with 
  • Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

  • Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted
  • OR: preferring to ‘be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore
  • Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred
  • Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
  • Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason)
  • Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it
  • Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him
  • Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing
  • Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

anonymous asked:

I've been dating this guy I thought I was really into for a month and everything is going just great he is really really great but now I think I might not be into guys but I'm still not sure I've always thought I was straight or bi but after actually dating a guy I started struggling with my sexuality even more and I have no idea what to do

honestly it can be really difficult to figure out. it’s very hard to tell when your attraction is genuine. i used to have a bunch of really good resources for figuring out if you’re a lesbian but i seem to have lost a lot of them…i tried to find some similar ones anyway so hopefully these will help you

i am not a lesbian and don’t know what it’s like to struggle with figuring out if you’re a lesbian but last year i stopped IDing as bi and started IDing as gay and it was really difficult for me initially. it can be really hard to figure out what’s right for you and for me personally i didn’t know i was right til after i started calling myself gay. i’m sending you good energy and i hope you figure things out ok <3 if you wanna talk more you can always message us again or you can message me on my main ( @jasonptodd ). good luck

- mod jason

I feel like almost all of the guys who’ve had an unreciprocated thing for me developed it because I listened to them and was emotionally supportive, etc., but they themselves never thought to do the same for me. Which ended up with this weird situation where I knew them super well but they literally had zero idea about who I was as a person other than “listens really well and is emotionally supportive.”

Like, they didn’t know the first thing about what was important to me, my beliefs, my family, my work, how I spent my time when I wasn’t with them. Because not a single one of them wanted  to know. They would just… never ask, or they’d ask politely and when I started to answer they’d show extreme disinterest and change the subject back to themselves.

But they still thought they loved me, because to them that’s all love is - being emotionally supported by someone. It did not even occur to them that the support could ever go both ways, and they were always bewildered about why I never loved them “back” - even though all they gave me to love was a person so self-obsessed that he couldn’t see me at all.

Emotional work is so, so important to be aware of in relationships. It has to have some kind of balance, or the person performing it will just burn out. And a relationship consisting only of one person demanding and demanding and never giving back is not love. Love is not a demand. It can accept, and it can ask, but love listens, love cares about how its requests affect the beloved. Love wants to give back.

If your ‘love’ is just about what perks you get from the other person, do you really love them? or are they just an interchangeable supplier of emotional work for you?

Being poor is just a series of emergencies.

Emergencies really do crop up more often for poor people. Necessities, like vacuum cleaners or phones or bedding or shoes, need replacement or repair more often when you only buy the cheapest possible option.

Poor people’s health tends to be compromised by cheap, unhealthy food; stress; being around lots of similarly-poor contagious sick people who can’t afford to stay home or get treatment; inadequate healthcare; and often, hazardous and/or demanding work conditions – including longer hours allowing less time for sleep, home food prep, and mental or physical exercise.

Our homes may not offer much respite, as we’re less likely to have comfortable furniture for sleep or relaxation, more likely to be forced to rely on abusive people for financial reasons.  We’re also more likely to live in high-pollution areas, food deserts, and in poorly-maintained rental housing. We’re less likely to have access to heat or cooling even in dangerous weather.

For all these reasons and more, we get sick more, and when we do, we have less access to medical care – even the poor people lucky enough to have adequate insurance and a doctor who will provide appropriate care without discrimination may face significant difficulties getting to and from a doctor and pharmacy.

Poor people have less reliable transportation; any cars that are affordable for a poor person will usually need major repairs at least a couple times a year - more emergencies! - and poor people are less likely to live anywhere near an adequate public transit system. Just the cab fare to and from a doctor visit can easily cost a week’s worth of groceries or more. Ignoring medical needs as long as possible and not accessing preventative care causes massive future expense.

Many people are poor specifically because of disability, making work difficult or impossible in addition to the expenses of managing chronic illness, accessing mobility aids, or other costs associated with disability.

Poverty runs in families, and friend groups are often based heavily on class in our stratified society, so in addition to your own emergencies as a poor person, you’ll likely also be sharing resources to keep your loved ones alive. You’re not likely to have wealthier friends or family who can or will help.

Poor people are less likely to have enough clothing that we can wait to replace unwearable items. Because our clothing collections are smaller (and often secondhand and/or poorly made), our clothes wear out faster. Not having clothing that marks us as ‘respectable’ can bar us from employment, make us more vulnerable to violence from police or other harassers, and make resources like social programmes less accessible.

Overdraft fees target poor people specifically. Being a few pennies off in your maths can mean sudden huge bills that compound themselves. Predatory banks routinely run all charges before processing the deposits you make earlier in the day or week, which can mean huge overdraft fees can happen even if you deposit your money hours or days before trying to spend any of it.

There are thousands of examples. For poor people, unexpected expenses happen more often. And when you’re poor, any unexpected expense can be an emergency with serious consequences.

Even the cheapest (most temporary) solution for an emergency often breaks the bank.  People who aren’t poor don’t realize that an urgent expense of thirty dollars can mean not eating for a week. Poor people who try to save find our savings slipping away as emergency after emergency happens. Some poor people turn to predatory lending companies, not because they don’t know it’s a bad deal but because being hugely in debt tomorrow is better than your kids starving today.

I don’t think people who’ve never been poor realise what it’s like. It’s not that we’re terrible at budgeting, it’s that even the most perfect budget breaks under the weight of the basic maths: we do not have enough resources.

Cos we’re fucking poor.

I honestly think relationships in general would be healthier, in general, if we didn’t believe they should last forever.

When the default is “forever” and shorter relationships are seen as a failure, we miss out on a lot. We stay in relationships that don’t work because they’re not “bad enough” to leave, as though not wanting the relationship anymore isn’t a good enough reason. We deny ourselves happy memories, saying “If it doesn’t work now, our love then wasn’t real.” We pass on relationships we know would be short, because if it doesn’t last forever, what’s the point in joy in the moment?

An ending isn’t a failure. It’s an ending. Most relationships have them. What would our relationships be like if we stopped focusing on our fear of endings and started focusing on what we - and our friends, partners, and family - need right now?

One maladaptive coping mechanism that turns very toxic when you’re not defending against abuse is to read any uncomfortable situation as a deliberate personal attack, and sometimes extrapolate one incident into a whole pattern of malicious intent.

Examples:

  • “Hey, I have a headache, could you please lower your voice a little?”
    - “FINE I guess I just won’t say anything at all!”

  • “Hey thanks for inviting me, but I’m not feeling well, so I’m sorry but I can’t make it. Maybe (x day) instead?”
    - “Sorry for asking! I guess I’m just too needy for you!”

  • (Someone forgets to call you back.)
    - “Yeah I don’t think we’re friends anymore, she acts like she hates me.”

  • “Hey, what you just said about me was literally not true. Why did you say that?”
    - “Right, I’m just a piece of shit who should never talk at all I guess!”

  • "I don’t really feel like sex tonight.”
    - “Sorry I’m so repulsive to you!”

  • “You really hurt my feelings. Why did you do that?”
    - ”Go ahead and just break up with me, I know you’ve been wanting to.”

This kind of response escalates an interaction from a two-way conversation about a specific problem into a fight about your own self-worth. Instead of responding to what’s actually happening or trying to figure out whether an attack was intended, this response immediately changes the conversation into a defensive argument where the only relevant question is if you’re an okay person that people care about.

Like I get feeling this kind of reaction, I get having a knee-jerk response of fear and shame and self-loathing. Sometimes when you’re feeling vulnerable it is very, very difficult not to read super far into anything negative. Sometimes it just reflects off all your internal fears and amplifies inside of you until a polite “no” feels like everyone you’ve ever liked is telling you they hate you.

But it is possible, with some work, to separate your feelings from your actual knowledge of the situation. It’s possible to feel one thing in your heart and still recognize with your mind that the reality is different. You can learn to notice the difference between someone actually attacking you and something just feeling like an attack because you’re extra vulnerable.

You can also learn not to react based solely on your feelings. You can learn to take another person’s actual words and actions into account and respond based on what you think - not just feel - their intent actually was. That work is as necessary as it is difficult.  

People need to be able to tell you things that aren’t overwhelmingly positive without you making them feel guilty for saying anything and treating their concerns as an attack.

Otherwise, you wind up in a position where they can’t be honest with you. They can’t say no to you, can’t tell you when something you do hurts or scares them, can’t point out worrying things as friends do to take care of each other, can’t bring up their own needs without the conversation devolving into comforting you again.

This habit interacts especially badly with the way many other trauma survivors are terrified of upsetting anyone – when your reaction to them bringing up problems or saying no is consistently disproportionate, they may find it easier to just do what you want even against their own will.

It is possible to deal with those awful feelings and get the comfort you need without resorting to lashing out when you feel bad. It’s okay to be honest about the fact your emotions don’t always line up with reality so people know what you’re going through. It’s okay to just ask for the emotional support you need or for confirmation that they mean what they say.

You may even find that when you make a continuous effort not to treat these uncomfortable experiences as crises, they deescalate and you wind up feeling more secure each time.

Look, this coping mechanism, like many forms of manipulation, is a useful survival tool in the context of an abusive relationship where you really are being attacked insidiously, and where you can’t just ask for comfort and expect to get it. But if you are no longer in that kind of situation, it’s time to reevaluate the usefulness/danger ratio and figure out what other strategies might be better for you and the people you love.

basically:

  • it is not a virtue to not set boundaries
  • ignoring your own wants and needs is not a healthy way to show love
  • people worth loving will respect your boundaries
  • people worth loving will not want you to set aside your own wants and needs to make them more comfortable
  • ‘having no boundaries at all’ describes a person who is very hurt, not a person who is very virtuous
  • suffering for others’ comfort is not how you be a good person, it is just how you become very hurt
  • sometimes you need to make others uncomfortable in order to get your needs met
  • your needs are more important than others’ comfort
  • your comfort is equally important to others’ comfort
  • making other people uncomfortable is not, in itself, ethically wrong or morally dubious
just so you know

the US minimum wage that we all agree is too low to live on ($15,080/yr) is far more than many legally disabled people receive in benefits

the maximum SSI for a single person is $8,796/yr
if a disabled person marries another, each drops to a max of $6,600/yr

while you’re fighting for 15 maybe look at that too

hot take for men

if you have kids, you should make a point to keep up with how they’re doing in school, who their friends are, what they like to eat, what they can’t eat, their medications and why/when/how they take them, their daily routines, what their chores are and if they need any help with them, the interests that are important to them, the things they struggle with, etc., etc. 

you should have a rough idea of when your kid will need new glasses, when their last dental appointment was, how long they’ve been complaining about certain symptoms, what their usual mood is like at different times of the day so you NOTICE when something is wrong.

you should know how to listen to them and encourage them and you need to learn how to teach skills and good habits and motivate without instilling fear. you should know what makes them feel better when they’re sick and how to comfort them when they’re afraid or angry or sad.

if you’re the parent of an infant, you should make a point to learn how to tell what your baby needs. if they use formula, you should know what kind. you should know their nappy/diaper size and what products (powder/ointment/etc.) keep their bottom happy.

you should also be keeping track of when things your kid needs are running low, and making sure they are gotten in a timely manner.

if your children are members of oppressed groups you’re not part of – if you have a daughter, or a trans child and you’re cis, or an autistic child and you’re allistic, or a racialized child and you’re white, etc. – you need to take the time to research, to read what adults who share that trait say your kid needs. you need to actively support your child and help shield them from the hatred and enforced roles they will receive elsewhere.

these are the kinds of things a good parent does. you should not get a pass on being a good parent just because you’re a dude and you “don’t understand/aren’t good at that stuff”. this excuse is incredibly common and it is unacceptable.

women read parenting books, go on forums, talk to doctors, join parenting groups, ask other parents questions, and spend time with their children. we are not born with childcare knowledge any more than you are; it is work to learn these things. sometimes you will mess up. that is part of the learning process; it does not mean you “just don’t get that kind of thing” and should never have to do it again.

not only is it unfair to expect the women in your life to shoulder this work alone, but it is unfair to your children to be in their lives AS a parent but not do parenting work. Your kids need you. They need you to step up and LEARN to do the work that you haven’t been expected to do before.

Do you know how many people grow up and just… don’t have relationships with their fathers? maybe you don’t, either. it’s not always because these fathers were violent or mean or hateful. Sometimes it’s because they just never bothered to be parents or build a good relationship with their child. Don’t let your kids go through that. Don’t make them grow up with a mostly uninvolved stranger for a father.

And if you are not willing to do all this work, maybe you should plan to not have children, and take steps to make sure that you don’t. It isn’t acceptable to make a choice to bring a new human being into the world and take on a parenting role, then be around them only as a stranger.

There are different standards for motherhood and fatherhood, and that hurts children. What we think of as “motherhood” is mostly just good parenting for any gender, with extra dashes of self sacrifice because we expect women to be sole providers of certain kinds of work and care.

If you want to figure out if you’re being a good parent, put yourself in your child’s shoes and imagine you are their mother, not their father. Would you be happy with a mom who was only willing to put in the amount of work you do?