thatd take up too much time

anonymous asked:

//whispering let it get out of hand

(referencing this post)

THANKS FOR ENABLING ME ANON BECAUSE NOW I GET TO TALK ABOUT AN AU I CRAFTED IN 20 MINUTES

SEE MICHAEL ISN’T ACTUALLY A SPY!! i like to think he was recruited as a handler after hacking into university files and erasing student loans. he became a bit of a name on the deep web, successfully stealing shitloads of money and distributing it cleverly over various charities, never getting caught. well. almost. 

director Jenna Rolan basically breaks into his shitty apartment flanked by two scary looking beautiful individuals (aka agents Jake and Brooke). apparently he’s been put on a hitlist for being a high profile goodie goodie, and she offers him protection on the condition that he start working for them. Michael, not in the mood to die and kinda in the mood to being an awesome Q, accepts.

so he gets accepted under the handler division of the organization led by Chloe, and he does incredible work alongside other fellow handler Rich and weapons expert/lead equipment engineer Christine. he does a fantastic job yelling in brooke and jake’s ears about what to do while simultaneously hacking into cctv cameras and encrypted connections to keep his agents alive. no, michael didnt expect that hed end up with this job, but he helps put the bad guys behind bars and he does his job WELL.

ENTER JEREMY HEERE. the only son of a wealthy but evil woman looking to sell state secrets/nuclear launch codes/[insert evil thing] to the highest bidder.  suspecting that jeremy might have important intel, they convene at a dinner/auction/[insert thing rich people go to in spy movies]. michael is in a van outside with at least eight screens while brooke and jake are decked out in fancy clothes, shmoozing their way through rich people, until finally, they find jeremy.

it’s a classic honeypot maneuver, simple and straight to the point. or so they thought, because Brooke goes in for the kill only to get stammers and apologies. prepared for this possibility, they send in Jake who michael would gladly sleep with if rich wouldnt kill him, but Jake is turned down.

(“Think he’s ace? Does he ping on your acedar?” Michael asks Christine as he frantically hacks into CCTV, keeping an eye on Jeremy while Brooke and Jake figure out another gameplan.

“Acedar?” Christine says, unimpressed. “He could be. But, do you want my honest, professional opinion?”

“Go for it, Chris,” Chloe says, also on the line. “If we lose him tonight, that’s another month of nothing. Any opinions at this point are essential.”

“He seems–nervous,” Christine says. On Michael’s screen, he sees Jeremy by an extravagant potted plant downing flutes of champagne like it’s nobody’s business. “You know how Brooke and Jake are beautiful but a little intimidating? Yeah. I think he’s nervous.”

“We need this intel now,” Jenna sighs. “Do we have any beautiful, non intimidating agents who can take one for the team?” 

“I have–” Rich says. “An Idea.”)

which ends with Michael in a suit (”Why do we have this?? Why is it perfectly my size??” “You’re the one who always says to have at least seventy backup plans, M.”) tailing after Jeremy at a party thats more expensive than all the money Michael has stolen over the course of his life.

i dont want to go too much into this because then thatd mean id have to just buck up and write a fic, but by the time michael gets to jeremy, the poor kid is hammered. and a crying a little bit. they end up sitting on the floor of this fancy fancy bathroom while jeremy maybe pours his soul out to michael about how this always happens. he Knew brooke and jake were spies because this always happens. it’s always beautiful people who want to sleep with him not because he’s anything, but because his mom is gonna destroy the world. and he’s totally up for thwarting his mom!!! but his self esteem is just shit tonight and he couldnt take it and oh god, michael, im a bad person. im a bad person and i dont matter, really, and nobody would care at all. nobody.

(“Hey,” Michael says. His heart is breaking because Jeremy seems like an great guy stuck in a horrible life. “I’ve only known you for three hours, not including where I pulled up your entire existence from everything you’ve ever done on the internet, but. But I think you’re a good person. I care.”

“No you don’t,” Jeremy sniffles, head pillowed against Michael’s shoulder as he takes a swig from a bottle of champagne, though his nose wrinkles when he remembers that Michael had emptied it and replaced it with water. “You just want the intel. Which, you know what,” he fishes something out of his pocket. A USB. “Here. Take it. It’s what you guys are looking for and more. I’ve been compiling a record of every transaction my mother has made in the past year. Put her away, for fuck’s sake.”

“Shit,” Michael says. Everybody in his earpiece also says it. “Jeremy. Thank you.”

“Whatever,” he grumbles. “Time for you to go now. Go and save the world. Bye, bye.”

“Fuck that, do you have a phone?”)

and thus begins the friendship between jeremy and michael. so much more happens after this, but if i think about THAT. this will get so out of hand im going to need eight hands.