that's why it might not make sense unless you've read it

Karl Pilkington Starters
  • It's like a pylon.
  • Get that down, its a deathtrap!
  • You've never been to China.
  • ...but it’s all about ‘a gorilla and a fox are walking thru the woods.’ How often does that happen?
  • That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.
  • Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again...
  • By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.
  • All I'm saying is that old people need to be old people.
  • You need oldness. You need to see old people.
  • Well you look 78!
  • Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.
  • If I was Noah, I would have gone, Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown, have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin'
  • Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
  • You know how they say people have six senses? There's loads more than that. The ability to feel someone looking at you, that's been around since man and dinosaur were knockin' about.
  • We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.
  • On identical twins - You always get a little snidey one.
  • On dopplegangers - How would I know which one I was?
  • It would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me.
  • Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger.
  • Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.
  • Did I tell you about the immune system?
  • He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off.
  • I came up with a good idea....see through skin
  • I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.
  • If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replenishing
  • As long as you're rememberin' baby Jesus, does it matter when you're rememberin' 'im
  • That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it
  • The first time you watch it you'll probably cry a bit. The second time you watch it you will probably think - boy that would be bad having a head like that being picked on - the third time you are probably thinking, er, how does he get his jumper on, er, then dunno probably bored of it the fourth time. But, but it's well worth watching.
  • The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’
  • Treat the world like a head
  • We're just a weed in the universe
  • I could eat a knob at night.
  • Hummus isn't a meal
  • Hypothetical: Shipwrecked and eating a penis- ...I'll look for something else. We're surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob?
  • Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.
  • Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!
  • Read about a pub which is gettin' some stick 'cause its stopped a horse goin' in. Its been the horse' regular for ages, but some new owners have taken over the pub and they said they're servin' fresh food and don't want a horse in there anymore
  • I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'
  • I'm just sayin', I don't like fun
  • They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?
  • I dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger.
  • I think some bacteria have better lives
  • What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?
  • Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint?
  • It’s just hassle of having friends and family
  • The world is getting more and more scruffier
  • You won't get anything done by planning.
  • Any problem solved is a new problem made.
  • I've met a few little people in my time.
  • I met a little fella once and he was alright.
  • Turns out it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island...from the rough bit...
  • Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.
  • So I was watchin David Attenborough..
  • At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?
  • At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head.
  • I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'
  • In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert.
  • In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.
  • Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.
  • People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?
  • A dog has got human eyes.
  • I saw a cockroach playing Pacman
  • I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is, they've got wings but they walk a lot
  • Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later
  • If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about
  • People who live in a glass house have to answer the door
  • You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad
  • Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.