I’ve been thinking a lot about “us” lately and everything that we were and weren’t and the more I think the more I realize how we fell apart before we even got a chance to fall together. .
and you know, I’ve spent so much time going through every single message, every phone call, every memory, just trying to figure out where it all went wrong, where we lost it all. But I never stopped to think, what if we never had it right? and now that I’m finally thinking that, I’m realizing how we never even had anything to lose in the first place.
because okay, sure, you were here, and trust me I know you were because I put more emphasis on that than it deserved. So, yes. yes. YES, YOU WERE HERE! but that didn’t change the fact that this was one sided from the beginning. Because, although you were here, you didn’t want to be, your heart was never with it.
It was always me, It was me carrying the weight of our conversations on my back, it was me who was turning your one worded replies into poetry and it was me who made this “relationship” enough for the both of us. and I never even noticed because I was so convinced that you loved me, but the thing with one sided relationships is, they always catch up to you and in our case, the only reason it caught up to us is because there was nothing else to distract me from it because you stopped being here. the only god damn thing you contributed was just physically being here and even that, became too much for you to do.
And I have so much love inside me that I COULD love for the both of us, I mean I have BEEN loving for the both of us and I would of continued carrying this relationship on my back because I saw so much in you that it was so hard for me to realize that there was nothing actually there cause I wanted something to be there so badly. But I can’t make you be here, I could turn one worded replies into something but I can’t make something out of nothing, and trust me I wish I could of. I wish I could of saved us, I used to stay up all night wondering how I could turn back time, How I could save our downfall but now I realize. Nothing could of saved us. you can’t make people love you and you can’t give people things without stopping to ask if they even want it, and in our case I gave you my heart without even hesitating to check if you wanted it. and thats where I went wrong.
I still love you, but I’ve accepted the fact that we were never real and that we probably will always be just in my head.
People actually expect me to believe that if you throw a group of only one sex inside a fucking maze with no memories, no social, cultural or religious discourses forced upon them, no outside influences of any kind for years and years with only each other to grow close too, trust, survive with, protect, build with, bond with etc.
That eVERY SINGLE ONE WOULD END UP STRAIGHT??????!??!!
The thought of being without you makes me afraid, even though I know that I’m worse off with you. I’m afraid to dangle, to float untethered. At least with you I could always be sure that I belonged somewhere, that I was something to someone. I’m not searching for validation or a cure for insecurity, but for a place where I can find a voice that’s confident in me, a place where your fingers are there to lift my chin when the world tells me to keep my head down, a place where your hand is resting in its favorite spot on my back, ready to push me back up if I start to fall… Someone there to tell me that maybe I’m not as crazy as I think I am. Now I don’t really know what life will look like without that. And it’s sad, sad that things had to turn out this way.
okay. okay i can’t just start this and not talk about my expectations from tv!lyra i usually try not to have expectations of any kind (see my approach to doctor who) but it’s impossible when it comes to my all time favorite female character so, @bbc -
give me a lyra who’s wild
give me a lyra who’s got torn, worn hand me down clothes and dirty knees and bruises and scratches all over
give me a lyra with twigs in her hair and stars in her eyes
give me a rude lyra, a lyra who yells, a lyra who doesn’t (and frankly, can’t) hide her emotions
give me a leader lyra, give me a decisive and arrogant lyra
give me a lyra who lies without hesitation, who lies like she’s been doing it all her life because she has, give me a deceiving and cunning 11 year old child
give me a lyra who’s still CHILDISH as hell, who looks up to the adults she admires like they’re magic, who bluntly acts like she can blend into societies she admires with varying degrees of success (mrs. coulter’s lifestyle, the gyptians, bolvanger - depends on how hard she’s trying to lie and whether she’s just trying to have fun or actually lying for her life)
give me lyra’s and pan relationship - something deeper than anything else
yet give me a lyra who seems so different from her daemon - from responsible, planner, voice of reason pan who always has to look out for her
YET give me lyra and pan who are children and play together and laugh together and act as the one whole being that they are
give me the lyra who drove jordan scholars mad
give me lyra who lad gangs of street urchins into wars
give me lyra who earned the respect and admiration of iorek byrnison, lee scoresby and serafina pekkala (two of which are monarchs)
Oh god I love you. I love the colors. I love your art style. I love your kindness when you answer all those asks. I just love everything you're doing here. And I think you need even more love, so I'll love you until you love your art as much as we do.
I…. how do I thank you enough??? omg… I’ll just share my favorite screenshots, please look at this cute yuuri