that's what matters the most


“So, here’s to Nathan and Haley, and here’s to hope, and here’s to a love that will not alter.

It’s been a while since I’ve drawn anything and I’ve been feeling super creative, so here’s a rough sketch of @crankgameplays being cute as usual 💙⚙️💛

; pls don’t be sad :)

but why would i be, really? these days, i’m just feeling very happy. and grateful, too.

i’m happy because they are back, despite everything; happy because i get to listen to their music again; happy because i can honestly say that i like their new music; happy because i can stop smiling and grinning whenever i listen to their title track or watch their video; happy because they, too, are happy :’)

and i’m eternally grateful, because they are doing well, way way better than what i (and probably most fans as well) have expected ;-; i meant, can anyone honestly tell me that they’d seen this coming? that, despite their name change, these boys would be able to top the chart, not just for a few hours at night when mostly it’s their fans streaming, but for days? or that the physical album sales for the first week will be their highest yet since… 2012?

i know there has been some…. discontent among fans after seeing this week’s music shows. despite all the jokes about them being rookies/re-debuting again, the fact remains that they have been in the industry for years, and it’s understandable that fans were disheartened when it seems like some shows really treated them as rookies by only giving them one stage for their debut/comeback. honestly? yeah, i was a bit bothered too.

but then yangyo tweeted about how he’s so happy these days just to be able to be on stage. while we all know he meant it to comfort us, it also served to remind me, once again, about what really matters. there were times when everything about them seemed uncertain, and i’d wondered whether i’d be able to see them on stage ever again. i have no doubt that they’d had such dark days too, when they wondered about the same thing. 

so when i think about it, just the fact that they really are there, performing on stages once again, it in itself is already a blessing :’) let’s not get too hung up on things like that, and treasure every moment the boys share with us.

after all, this journey has just begun :’)


We did things, baby, you and me, right? Things your brothers never had to do. When I first took you in, do you remember? You used to steal food from the kitchen and hide it all around the house. I think it took you about a year to believe I was gonna feed you regularly. God, your parents were shits. I don’t know how you survived.

It might have been a bad dream

A memory you’d never want to recall

Someone was unkind to you

It could have been me

just a friendly reminder that dan and phil are so important and are worth so much and i love them so much and that interview did not do them any justice

anonymous asked:

So... This is not hating, or trying to bring down any positivity. I really like your blog and your meta, otherwise I wouldn't lurk around like a creeper Misha :) But why is everyone happy about Cas being all about Dean when the sentiment isn't returned? When Dean hasn't even begun to fix all the shit he has put Cas through? He shouldn't be happy next week, he shouldn't flirt with some wrestler. Castiel deserves more.

I can’t speak for anyone else but myself here, but personally it’s just by taking a really long view. It’s obvious Dean loves Cas when you watch the show as a whole, and it’s obvious he’s cared about him from much earlier on than he’d even admit, and then building into love over many years. Like, nothing has happened as far as I’m concerned that could have wiped out the feeling expressed in the Crypt Scene or the times love was obvious without being expressed through the seasons. It would take an actual plot focussed on unravelling how much Dean cares about Cas to remove my certainty that in the background he does still love Cas very deeply. You know, like, 6x20 over again but the aftermath being more final rather than Dean just beautifully struggling with his love vs the betrayal… Something that will actually convince me that the story wants us to know for absolutely sure that Dean is done with Cas.

As it is the way the feeling has been written is that at the start of season 9 it was still being made obvious that Dean had feelings for Cas (9x03, whatever you say about how it treated Cas, made Dean’s side painfully obvious; 9x06 and all that obvious on-screen pining and unresolved feelings there in front of us for the both of them; 9x09 and how weird and flirty they were in the bar together, and how Dean opened up and told Cas everything despite 9 episodes of Gadreel telling him not to and to leave Cas out; 9x10 using Cas entirely as an emotional prop for Dean (in a good way respectful of Cas’s personhood :P)…) and then at the end of 9x10 there’s a very specific walking off moment which we’re still not really over, but only at the start of this season were there gifsets like “this is the last time Cas saw Dean fully himself and this is the first time he sees him without the Mark” etc.

The thing about that walking off moment was that it wasn’t anything to do with Dean n Cas, but Dean and Sam and specifically just Dean’s issues with himself and how he deals with Sam, and he headed off into territory of deep self-loathing that fuelled the whole Mark of Cain arc. Cas is sidelined from Dean’s emotional arc, but not because of anything that happened between them, and then we were unfortunate enough that this was the arc that got dragged out for multiple season renewals rather than tidying it away and starting something new. The general consensus is that they just meant to hurdle this storyline and get back to something else (since all the threads about Metatron and the tablets and whatever they meant to do with Crowley were left hanging, and still haven’t amounted to anything, rather just fizzling out in the background but by bit as time crawls on), but the nature of this arc dealing with Dean’s internal alienation and descent meant they were dragging out all the related issues. It’s taken a disproportionately long time to deal with Sam and Dean’s issues and those aren’t all still resolved either: there’s been stuff on the table between them since season 8 and 9 as well that has never been addressed as the plot rolls on and on. Like, there is always bro drama each season, but rather than refreshing it with a new reason to be angry with each other for a mid season flare up, they’ve been stewing on some stuff so long that they only cleared up the “you should have looked for me in Purgatory” thing in 11x11, and that had been a raw wound since 8x01. 

In that sort of atmosphere where the main drama between the brothers is getting the same drawn out festering treatment, I can’t even be mad about Dean and Cas’s relationship development dragging out the same way, especially when it can all be identified as having similar root causes in the writing choices the writers make re: the great and terrible Plot Accordion? I think it is rubbish that this has all been hanging on the previously yearly turn around of who did or didn’t care (so they think :P) with Dean showing less care to Cas… 

If it had been Cas showing less care to Dean and getting trapped in 3 seasons of an arc that kept him emotionally alienated from Dean, rather than being our main conduit of Destiel emotions for 3 years, and Dean more blatantly pining after him, I wonder what the discourse would be like. I feel like in those scenarios (such as season 4, 6 or 8) Cas’s care for Dean is still obvious anyway but Dean just can’t see it because plot contrivances/Cas being grumpy as fuck around him despite probably fucking the universe up on Dean’s unwitting behalf. So Dean gets to feel hurt by Cas’s lack of interest but we still get to see it there. While something like season 7 or 9 Dean’s lack of care for Cas takes more rationalising that he does still care with analysis of how he’s acting, because the plot calls for him to ignore Cas or be angry with him and you have to burrow down to all his layers of repression to work out his motivations.

Like, it’s obvious Dean cares about Cas in season 7 and he doesn’t just magically like him again in the last 10 minutes of the season after and only because of one conversation (and maybe the sandwich Cas made), but if you take it surface level and pretend Dean wasn’t struggling with these feelings, he pretty much seems to hate Cas for the entire season, and if you can only pick one emotion for him to feel at a time and go with what he’s saying with his words you quickly fall into a trap of misreading him.

SO I do think that Dean cares about Cas just as much, but has a worse time expressing it, and the story’s been against him showing it very well except for very small fleeting moments like the blanket thing etc. I’m holding back judgement on if there’s a big conspiracy to crush the gayness out of it, just because stuff DOES still get through, and some people might say that’s just enough to keep everyone hanging on, but it doesn’t actually seem to be in practice so I don’t know what to make of it. :P I’m more willing to believe in unintentional but hurtful incompetence than actual malicious conspiracy, that’s for sure. (This is literally how I started the No Homo Intern conspiracy but shh I was the one saying there WASN’T one in counter of Fireintheimpala saying “but what if there WAS” :P) And I do still think they’re writing in Destiel moments where they can even if there isn’t consistency or, at the moment, some clear direction for it all. To me it is a waiting game to see what happens to this plot thread that’s been left to the side along with other things like Metatron’s existence or the tablet or whatever. Things can get shelved on this show for an unbelievably long time only to pop up again when you least expect it.

Anyway, to skip over the present moment for a minute to talk about the wrestling episode, that’s why nothing short term can get me down, because I am still feeling somewhat patient with the show, and aware that watching it week by week and then dissecting the episodes like ravenous piranhas when they air is literally the worst way to watch television. I sometimes regret falling down the fandom hole, all the fun and friends and community aside, because when you watch in total isolation you can choose not to watch for, like, months if you feel like it and then catch up a whole run of episodes and it’s almost certain that the bad episodes will blur and the good episodes will stand out and all the plot threads woven through a season will show up and make sense far faster than when you’re guessing and often coming up with false speculation. Season 7 is legitimately one of my favourite seasons after the apocalypse arc because I suspect* I watched enough of it in one go, completely oblivious of if Cas was meant to be permanently dead or not, that I just enjoyed it for what it was, and for casual entertainment that season actually is very solid, with in my opinion only a very few bad MotW dragging it down. 

*I barely remember the year it aired and have a secondary suspicion I only remember season 7 in the context of marathons re-watching later when season 8 and 9 aired, but either way my point stands :P

Especially considering “Mood Whiplash” is a well-known trope, and the show makes a lot of use of it (go to the subpage and search for Supernatural :P) I would expect heavy and light episodes to happen around each other. Episodes with a silly concept often lighten the blow before or try to recover the tone after a dark episode, and 11x14 was one of our bleaker episodes for a long time because of the futility that was thematic across the board, from Lucifer admitting he probably wasn’t strong enough to kill Amara and suggesting Cas’s sacrifice had been in vain to the main submarine arc ending in death, to the weapon they recovered being useless. Have that along with the personal blow to Dean from finding out about Cas, and the whole episode is one big dark cloud that even some funny moments with Casifer couldn’t really lighten up (we should have known it would be dark after getting to see Lucifer drenched :P).

Anyway, the show’s got a long history of throwing in wacky or pointless fluff episodes around the heavy stuff, so to me this seems quite expected at least in concept, so it’s nothing more than an eyeroll and “of course” when I see the episode order, even if I didn’t have some certainty that next episode probably will cover Dean’s sadness about Cas some more (assuming that the voice over from the Keep Grinding promo is still yet to come as we just haven’t heard it yet) and that again is stopping me from feeling like the choice of episode following on isn’t THAT terrible and that until we actually see how Dean is written in the whole of it, we can’t judge him because we don’t know all the context, and in the long run, who knows what it will focus on but it’s only a smaller part of the bigger picture.

I know you didn’t come to me complaining about the end of 11x14 specifically although you do sound unconvinced by it in general I’d guess fro your tone, but I’ve seen people are still upset with it here and there at least as of my dash ~5pm yesterday which is as up to date as I am with fandom right now :P I was thinking I’d make a post like this just for the people who couldn’t rewatch anyway but now since this post is already exceedingly long I’m tacking it on the end but it does contribute to why I feel so positive so I guess it counts as answering the question still. 

I think ESPECIALLY after rewatching on Friday but also it was my instinctive first reading, that the ending is all about Cas and that Dean’s reaction is both emotionally powerful and enough to show that he cares, and honestly my first response on hearing people thought it wasn’t is still confusing me. 

Hopping in at a random point, aka the last ad break, before that we just get Dean’s confused horror turning to look at Cas after Sam says “that’s not Cas!” but we don’t get a real reaction until after the fade back in. Here’s his face in the fraction of a second before Lucifer chucks him across the room (there’s like 2 blurry frames of this in the episode because Misha’s head then blocks Jensen’s face): 

which I like just because it’s blink and you miss it more concern and fear and is the only moment we get of Dean *immediately* processing Cas not acting like Cas after Lucifer breaks character in front of him for the first time (after one last “wrong shoulder” moment).

The next shot of Dean is understandably checking on Sam because he’s been down and out on the floor the entire time Dean’s been back so is blatantly already suffering from being in the same room as Lucifer unattended for however long, and I’d expect nothing less of Dean to check on him, but as Lucifer talks about donning his “Cas mask” Dean finally looks at him again:

It’s specifically talking about playing Cas that draws Dean’s attention back to Lucifer, where I think he had been kind of not paying any attention to the generic villain monologue while checking on Sam because Lucifer was just spouting words as he does. His eyes actually flick back to Lucifer as he says “Cas”. And from there you see (in my shoddy just for making a point gif) from there his expression goes from concerned - directed at Sam - to somehow falling even more, I think showing his own internal pain because it’s dropping an exaggerated expression designed for communicating to another person (aka a silent “are you ok?”) to Sam, to just showing what’s on Dean’s mind.

We get some shots of Sam cutting his palm, and Dean goes into mission mode, knowing he has to keep Lucifer’s attention on him because Sam’s got the banishing covered, essentially silently communicating together that Dean, who is still much better off than Sam, needs to take the brunt of what comes next while Sam works on banishing, so the next few shots are about this, with Dean getting to his feet, looking determined, and Lucifer is monologuing about how how obnoxious Winchesters are again rather than making it about Cas. Any time he’s blah-ing on about himself, basically the attention is not really meant to be on him.

The next time we get anything about Dean’s feelings rather than anger/being the distraction is when Lucifer opens the wrappings on the Hand of God, and here we have an ambiguous moment that’s been discussed a lot where his anger drops away and he looks scared, and you can read it either as him being terrified that Lucifer will use the weapon on them and leave, unstoppable and out to get the rest of the world. Or you can assume he’s still thinking about how it seemingly utterly destroyed Delphine, and he’s scared that it will destroy Cas along with Lucifer if he tries using it (forgetting for a moment that Delphine specified mortals were more likely to be killed by it). Either way this “no!” is the first, but not the last, time we hear his voice break in this final section.

I’m actually inclined to think it was general concern for maybe TFW in general (considering the mutual obliteration Dean just witnessed literally a minute before) or just him and Sam because when the Hand doesn’t work, he glances around at Sam again as well, I suppose checking they’re all still unexploded, but I think it’s a valid reading that he could also have been scared at the very least for the fact it might have, say, burned away Lucifer’s current vessel in the process, seeing as he saw Delphine burn from the inside out to use it.

He goes from


snarking at Lucifer about the Hand of God being a one-hitter, so in this moment I think it’s very self-focussed and while maybe not concerned about Cas, also not making the moment about Delphine either, because even though he’s referencing that she used it up, the emotions are focussed on this confrontation, and essentially they’re more concerned with buying time in the urgent moment and not dying.

This also riles up Lucifer enough to come straight at Dean (and I think it goes with what an anon was saying about how tragic Dean and Cas’s lack of communication this episode is that Sam gets to have Cas break through Lucifer to stop him hurting him, but Dean never gets this tested: it’s 100% likely after what we just saw with Sam that Cas would have stopped Lucifer to save Dean, but the moment is delayed or left untested so we don’t get to see the same thing happen with them yet, leaving it, if it happens, for a different confrontation another day.) and Sam banishes him. After that we have one of the most picked over moments (so thankfully I can use someone else’s gifs, credit linked :P)

He goes from staring directly at Lucifer in a challenge to this, and he’s had no real chance except that 2 frame moment at the start of this sequence and a split second while Lucifer was monologuing to even process what had happened to Cas and actually think about it. Given the flow of the moment it’s pretty logical to assume this is mostly/all about the Cas revelation and with the danger being over he can process his shock and really understand what it was that just happened rather than just dealing with it as he had been doing.

Rather than fade to black or do a regular scene change, this moment fades from Dean leaning mournfully on the pillar to the dock, which is an effect that creates continuity between the moments: Dean’s shock and sadness about Cas is carried on outside to the dock, which, as picked to pieces, is a DeanCas thing since 4x20 and strongly associated with their relationship, as much as it is related to the vague shipping theme of the episode. Therefore it’s emotionally intuitive to the viewer to keep connecting the anguish about Cas we were still seeing on Dean’s face as we faded out of that scene to the dock he was briefly layered on top of, even though the first shot is of Sam giving Dean masses of space, for who knows how long. The scene is introduced, therefore as time having passed and Dean having needed more processing time than you could imply just from however long it would take for him to change his clothes, probably have a shower, and announce “that’s it, we’re going to my dramatic sulking dock, I have shit to work out” and for them to get there - not only all that, but after they get there Sam backs off and leaves Dean to think and does his own moody thinking alone before reconvening with Dean to share notes or whatever this is. ALL THIS is linked from Dean’s long reaction shot of shock and sadness after losing Cas.

This is then confirmed by the fact that after x amount of implied considerable time has passed, that when Sam sits next to Dean, the first thing Dean says unprompted for subject matter is “Cas.”

Since someone came on anon to quibble with me saying that Dean had been struggling for tears about the Cas thing and that was all reserved for the submarine and Delphine, here he is in the exact instant the camera first cuts to his face-on shot in this conversation:

His eyes and nose are already red, and the same teary quality about his eyes remains for the entire scene, rather than only appearing later.

When he says “save Cas” his voice breaks for the second time on “Cas” and he swallows hard and looks like this:

Here’s the swallow because this is legitimately the moment that killed me when I realised how CLOSE to crying Dean was. Like, this is my vengeful ghost typing all this :P

He opens his mouth again at the end but he’s not actually saying anything. Just being an over emotional wreck :’) It’s Sam who resumes the conversation, which Dean seemed to have been trying to end with a very final, positive statement. 

Anyway, Dean’s voice breaks once more on “not possible” and we’re all still on the subject of Cas with absolutely no interference from the angst about the submarine. As I and some others have said I think it does contribute all the way through to his overall sense of hopelessness as well as his feelings that everyone is sacrificing themselves and he’s just going to watch them all die, as he did with the submarine, but it’s a complex intertwined moment, and for a good chunk of the back and forth here it’s all about Cas.

I know one of the complaints is that rounding off this conversation with discussion of the submarine takes away from this by making it about two things and somehow invalidates everything that Dean felt up until that point by making the end about the submarine, or that it’s somehow a “cover” for his feelings about Cas. And I get that in episodes like 10x23 they used Rudy to do the same to the Cas guilt trip vision in the mirror, but this episode handled it much more honestly and authentically, and there’s a long section where Dean is openly wrecked about Cas and just Cas, and it does not feel like it’s in the same spirit at all, as he’s allowed a long moment to be miserable about him. I don’t think this amount of raw feeling expressed in this part of the conversation can be put down “just” to anything from the other part of the episode contributing to Dean’s sadness, and this moment is ALLOWED to be about Cas. 


Once again like with after saying “Save Cas”, after “not possible” Dean turns away and allows the silence to exist as long as it cares to. It’s Sam who interrupts this proposed silence and asks Dean about what happened on the submarine. And Dean, already established by the Cas half of the conversation to be utterly emotionally wrecked, continues on with emotional consistency based on having an absolutely gutting day, to report how he felt about it, building on pre-existing tears FROM worrying about Cas to continue looking so shiny-eyed and miserable. It’s only after he’s been made to think about the submarine again because of Sam’s prompting that Dean reaches out and asks what happened to the nazi ship. In my first watch I assumed immediately that Dean was distracting himself from the Cas issue by asking about the ship, trying to see if there was any victory at all to be had out of the day, and in a way he gets that when Sam answers. 

With the song at the end, a couple of years ago, we’d have argued immediately that the song at the end was a Destiel thing, no matter what anyone said, because obviously it links to the main subplot (har har) of the episode and Delphine, but the overall point of the episode in the main arc accomplishes, for now, exactly one overall goal: let Dean and Sam know that Cas is possessed by Lucifer. That is all this episode needed to do and that’s the wider plot beat that it was meeting. Whether details like God-touched things become relevant later or the warding spells is used or whatever, the main point of this episode was to get us to the dock with Dean mourning Cas’s loss, and therefore everything else in the episode only works to create a thematic emotional backdrop to the main plot event. Yes, Delphine should affect Dean in this moment: that loss is comparative to the longer plot arc loss and his years old relationship with Cas takes the precedence, even if the song is topical to a one episode character.

My immediate emotional response to the whole last five minutes of the episode was utter devastation for Dean and I felt it was inarguably strong that he was wrecked by the reveal about Cas and that the last part of the episode was broadly focussed on that pain and shock. 

I know there’s a lot of bitterness and a lot of fear that the show won’t pay off and we won’t get any delivery on anything but I do feel that at the very least this episode all on its own proves just how much Dean cares about Cas… I suppose you can argue any way you like about the way he shows it or the other details of their relationship and how they interact, but I still refuse to doubt the emotion behind it all.

welp everything just got a lot more complicated

So I’m finally watching Steven Universe! I’m a couple episodes in and I’m like