Ex’s and Oh’s
A BTS/Min Yoongi Fanfiction
Summary: When its over, its meant to be over; it should be finished, and you should move on. But when paths continue to cross, and the fires reignite, you’re going to need to prepare yourself to perish in the flames, because you’ll never make it out unscathed.
‘What are you thinking about?’
The way he murmurs the question into your ear, his voice the usual tone of gravelly exhaustion, causes a mix of happy familiarity, and uncomfortable, unexplainable sadness to begin to stir in the pit of your stomach, the juxtaposing duality of the emotions having you reaching down for his hand where it was caressing your stomach to bring it up to your chest so that you could hold it tightly to yourself, the move causing him to pull you closer back against him in response.
Being unable to think of a response to him leads you to remain silent, your actions being the only answer you could give him, but by the way he proceeds to press his lips against your hair, trailing them round to your neck until his chin sat comfortably in the cove of your shoulder, you were aware it wasn’t enough for him.
‘Were you drinking earlier?’
His almost silent intake of breath at your question is indecipherable as a reaction to you. However, the heavy sigh he lets out as he gently pulls on your shoulder to get you to turn and look at him, shifting over to allow you room to do so until you were lay looking up at him laid on his side next to you, tells you that he was frustrated about your question in some way. Its in the crease of his brow, and the gentle wrinkle of his nose, as well as the way the corners of his mouth pull in a little, that explains the confusion over your inquiry, but the heavy smell of cologne that hangs on him, as well as the darker-than-usual bags that sit beneath his eyes offer hints at the validity of your question.
‘I was with Namjoon.’ He replies, his fingertips caressing your cheek where his hand had come up to cradle your face, allowing his gaze a reprieve from having to look at you as he responds.
‘Should I take that as a yes then?’ you ask, your voice coming out quieter than it had been before where you begin to suspect that this was a drunken mistake on his part; a drunken mistake that you’d stupidly taken advantage of in your desperation for him. His brow creasing deeper has you moving your gaze from his face to the ceiling, your incredulity at the situation making the unexplainable sadness in your stomach thrash harder against your insides with its sudden understanding.
‘Why does my drinking matter? Why is it making you upset?’ he asks in a sickly sweet, caring tone, leaning down to drop a kiss to your lips, but you shake your head and shove yourself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed before his mouth could touch yours, hands curling into the edge of the mattress as your body revokes its sudden vulnerability to him; naked and bare.
‘Whats wrong? Baby, at least tell me why you’re so upset! Its not like I was-‘
‘So, the texts earlier were drunk texts? You…this-its just- it’s a mistake?’ you ask, voice shaking as you slowly stand from the bed, curling your arms around yourself to try and cover yourself; standing naked before him making the emotions you were feeling that much rawer in your mind.
‘Y/N, why would you think that? Don’t you believe what I said in those texts?’ he asks incredulously, the hint of a laugh in his voice where he didn’t know how to react to your questions only causing the voices in your mind to lash out at him more.
‘I know what you’re like when you’re drunk, Yoongi.’ You mutter, a wry smile, completely full of pain, beginning to contort your expression as tears threaten to burst out of you.
You immediately move to turn away from him when he pushes himself forcefully up from the bed and lunges toward you, his hands catching your arms before you can move too far away from him forcing you to look at him, so that you could watch him dragging in a sharp breath as he stares down at you with a frustrated expression.
‘Y/N…this wasn’t a mistake. This wasn’t some drunken act that I took because I foolishly thought I missed you.’ He states, his voice low and his grip a little too tight on your arms, but at that point you were too consumed with him and his sincere gaze to really notice.
‘I text you because I regretted everything I said to you. Because I realized that I must have been the stupidest man in the world to let you go. …Because you’re the only thing that’s been keeping me sane over the past 3 years, and the minute you weren’t by my side anymore, I lost all control.’
‘Y/N. I know I hurt you. But, I need you to know…right now…that I never want to let you go again.’
They were all the words your heart wanted to hear, every promise that you’d been craving for the past two weeks…but in your head it sounded muddled, like the words were in the wrong order, like they were false in some way.
‘But thats just the thing, Yoongi…you did hurt me. GOD, I’ve been completely broken these past two weeks and for all i know you’ve been just fine-’
‘Just fine?!’ he asks, his voice becoming louder as the anger at your disbelief of his words sets in, and you watch as a disbelieving, hurt sweeps over his expression,
‘Is ‘Just fine’ not sleeping for 3 days straight, swallowing almost half a bottle of sleeping pills and throwing them all up 2 hours later? Is ‘just fine’ having Jin practically jam food down my throat because i’d be so busy in my own head that i’d forget to eat for days at a time? Is ‘just fine’ finding myself on the wrong side of the railing on mapo bridge, because the pain of being without you hurts just too damn much-’
‘IF THATS THE CASE, WHY DID YOU END IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!?’ you screech at him, pushing him away as you do so, ignoring the sting of his short nails as they scrabble for purchase against your skin in the process, the pressure on your heart getting too much as you listen to his excuses, and the pain that bloomed in your chest from imagining him in the scenarios he presented to you; knowing he’d been doing it alone…without you.
‘I…-Y/N,-’ he stutters, shocked from your sudden outburst, and by the time you’d managed to blink your way through the tears that had built up in your eyes, you see the way his own gaze stared, glistening back at you, his mouth hanging open as though whatever he had been about to say had been forgotten with the sight of you so upset before him.
His arms were still held out in front of him, limbs hanging in mid air as they remember the feel of you in them, and an urge rushes through you to walk back into them. But in that moment you were too frozen in place by your own mental stasis, your feet feeling as though they were glued to the floor as you begin to feel the chill of the room set into your limbs, that you can only stare at him with pain radiating from every pore.
‘If it hurt you so much to try and live without me… why didn’t you call…or text me, or come to the apartment? Why didn’t you tell me?’ you whisper, choking up in the middle of the sentence and having to force the tears back down your throat to be able to go on, and with the way you were staring at the floor to avoid breaking down completely, you miss the way Yoongi’s lip wobbles and he traps it quickly between his teeth, forcing down his own sobs at the sight of you stood so broken in front of him.
‘I was too scared that you’d stopped loving me.’
The words are whispered, barely formed from the broken syllables that fall from his lips, but somehow you’re able to hear him loud and clear- as does the doubting voice in the corner of your mind.
‘Why would you ever think that?’ you sneer softly at him, fingernails scratching lightly over the planes of his chest as he quietly slips into the space before you, the sound of his shaky intake of breath paired with the way your fingers tremble as they travel the expanse of his skin, eyes following your hands until you manage to timidly fix your gaze on his own, along with the feel of his hands coming to hold the small of your back causing electric to run through you, has your frozen state melting slowly before him.
‘I’m stupid, y/n. Especially when im in love. And with you? I’m the biggest fool in the world.’
The drop of moisture that rolls down your cheek as you scoff at the cheesy, yet utterly sincere sounding sentence, is captured by the pad of his thumb as he quickly reaches up to brush it away, proceeding to cradle your cheek as you work on righting your breathing, keeping your eyes fixed on his lips as the words echo around your mind.
‘I dont think i’ll ever be able to stop loving you.’ you whisper, voice weak and rattling as it escapes you as you make the confession, and you end up sniffing and looking down at your knuckles lay gently flush against his stomach, watching as his hand that wasnt cradling your cheek comes up to timidly touch the soft white digits, before his fingers manage to interlink themselves with yours.
‘I dont know if i’ll ever be able to believe that…but i know now…you’re the only one-the only person i ever want.’
Despite the voice in your head that was still unsure about the truth of his words, the tears that had swollen on the edges of his eyes, and the vision of his lip trembling softly around the syllables as he spoke them, breaks apart the last bit of anger in your heart, pulling the sob from you that had become trapped in your throat, and causing you to quickly wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him tightly against you as you smother your cries in his neck.
‘I’m so sorry i hurt you, babe. …God, I’m so sorry.’ he croaks into your hair as he holds you equally as tightly against himself, arms crossed against your back, with one hand clasping your shoulder, and the other clutching your waist.
The warmth of him against you was different to when you’d first seen him earlier that evening. The way he held you now made it seem like he’d never let you go; like you’d never be alone again.
…But still, the voice in your head persisted in its disbelief at his words.
‘Come on…lets get back into bed before you freeze.’ he mutters quietly after a while, the two of you having been simply stood in the middle of the dark room as you’d worked to silently fix your broken hearts with the feeling of your arms around one another.
The way his arm stays fixed steadfastly around your waist as he guides you toward the mound of blankets and pillows helps to reassure you that the voice in your mind was wrong, and as you settle under the blankets, with his arms cradling you securely against him, you’d almost managed to convince yourself that the betraying thoughts about him were simply lies.
In the morning, you’re awoken by the cold draft from the window that licks against your bare limbs where you lay… curled against his back…