that's all i talk about these days

completelyhopelessprocrastinator  asked:

lance finds continuously elaborate ways to tease keith as his relationship with shiro gets more serious

okay, lance would TOTALLY be the best no. 1 wingman ever. until the point where they aCTUALLY got together, and then he would just be that teasing asshole friend who wouldnt know when to quit. He’d be just like me, tbh. 

Lance: walks up to shiro and keith holding hands

Lance: lmao thats pretty gay 

Lance: heelies away while slurping a smoothie

but like,,, seriously. this is my jam. i could talk about lance teasing shiro and keith all fucking day. 

send me sheith or platonic klance asks!

anonymous asked:

like im probs taking the agent bacardi thing a tad bit too seriously but i love?? that her achilles heel is dick, like im so tired of femme fatale spies who got men wrapped around their finger but dont care abt sex themselves outside of manipulating ppl...just give me a female spy whos smart and capable but also thirsty as hell. its_equality-dot-gif.

LMAO smart and capabale but also thirsty as hell, thats my main heux Bacardi (because I’ve legit…started writing this fic, its fun and a distraction from exam and prac stress oops)

I mean like every spy movie protagonist gets led on by the sexy villainess, bond gets hounded by women trying to distract him from his missions every movie, so like…she’s that lmao. 

Also I was talking to my friend just last night about how all these male writers these days overcompensate with their female characters by having them always be SO capable and the most intelligent one of the team, like even more so than the guys, because they think thats what women audiences want to see (see like, every marvel movie as well as kingsman, with ginger and roxy) and even though thats great O C C A S I O N A L Y there are other types of ladies we want to see in spy and action movies.

Her Achilles heel is dick, I’m laffin. We all been there ladies.

the harry potter books rated by Harry's Sass™
  • the sorcerer's stone: dudley asking harry if he wants to practice sticking his head down the toilet and harry replying "no thanks, the poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick" like ooo!!! sick burn!!! good for an 11 year old but overall still in the developmental stage. 6/10
  • the chamber of secrets: dudley (once again lmao get rekt) telling harry "i know what day it is" and harry replying "well done, so you've finally learned the days of the week." lockhart trying to be all Amazing Teacher™ and shit and telling harry "just do what i did, harry!" and harry saying "what, drop my wand?" overall good but not with as much of an Oomph™ factor as the sorcerer's stone. 5/10
  • the prisoner of azkaban: ah yes!!! Harry's Sass™ in its adolescent years!!!! no longer a toddler, now solidly about 11 years old. draco making fun of harry for fainting at the quidditch game bc of the dementors and saying "shame [the broom] doesn't come with a parachute - in case you get too near a dementor." and harry replying "pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, malfoy. then it could catch the snitch for you." 8/10 purely because he fucking MURDERED whiny bitch ass baby malfoy ha ha take that
  • the goblet of fire: a good amount of sass!! a healthy amount of sass! perhaps a bit held back though (come on harry get it together). rita skeeter annoying harry and asking for a word and jk rowling LITERALLY writing "'yeah, you can have a word,' said harry savagely. 'good-bye'" like FUCK he is canon savage in this book!!!! DAMN!!!!! and then he reks malfoy AGAIN "you know that expression [your mother's got], like she's got dung under her nose? has she always looked like that, or was it just because you were with her?" MOTHERFUCK GO OFF 9/10
  • the order of the phoenix: HOLY GRAIL OF HARRY'S SASS™. THE MOTHERLOAD. GOD DAMN. when vernon asks him why he's listening to the news again and harry replies w/ "well, it changes every day, you see." when hermione's warning him about picking fights w/ malfoy bc malfoy will make life hard for him and harry's like "wow, i wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life" like fuck harry!!! tell us how u really feel!!!! literally ANY TIME he talks to an adult he doesn't like. sassing dudley left & right, putting him in his place w/ "this is night, diddykins. that's what we call it when it goes all dark like this" like fuck harry brought out the big guns w/ "diddykins". overall wonderful, truly. a good healthy teenage dose of sass. 100/10
  • the half blood prince: SHIT DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT "THERE'S NO NEED TO CALL ME SIR, PROFESSOR" LIKE FUCK. BEST PART OF THE WHOLE BOOK. OF THE WHOLE SERIES. FUCKING OWNED SNAPE HE'S FUCKIN REKT LYING ON THE FLOOR CRYING DRINKING SOME CHEAP ASS DISGUSTING ASS FIREWHISKEY. BREAKS THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING SCALE SO FAR OFF THE SCALE IT'S ON MARS. INFINITY/10. FUCK.
  • the deathly hallows: "it's time you learned some respect!" "it's time you earned it" sassing the minister of magic hooooooo boy. not much else bc harry's too busy like saving the world and shit. so extra points for multitasking and being an overall well rounded sass-er. 8/10

my bpd ass: i have literally no idea who i am

some fucko: but do any of us really know WHO we are? surely it is the deepest part of human nature to question existence, and wh-

me: thanks denise, but every time i look in a mirror i dissociate five inches to the left, i forget what my name is, and if you asked me what things i enjoy i would be UNABLE to tell you unless i had already made a list

MCU characters as John Mulaney quotes
  • Loki: "I’ll keep all of my emotions right here *points to chest*, and then one day I’ll die.”
  • Fury: "You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair."
  • Bruce Banner: “Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you!”
  • Bucky Barnes: “Hi, I’m very gay, and I’d like a few dollars.”
  • Clint Barton: "It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them- especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin."
  • Thor: "Anyone who has seen my dick and met my parents needs to die"
  • Tony Stark: "Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to do this day...because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even have to look at you for long. They'll just be like 'Ha, ha, ha hey look at that high waisted man he got feminine hips.' and I'm like 'No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about!'"
  • Steve Rogers: "I don't look older, I just look worse."
  • Peter Parker: "You remember being 12, when you're like 'nobody look at me or I'll kill myself.'"
  • Natasha Romanoff: "Sometimes babies will point at me and I don't care for that shit at all."
  • Scott Lang: "You know those days where you're just like 'this might as well happen. Adult life is already so damn weird.'"
  • Rhodey: "I have a girlfriend now. Which is weird because I'm probably gay based on the way I've walked and talked for 28 years."
  • Sam Wilson: "Stick it in, I am an American!"
avengers as john mulaney quotes
  • steve rogers: All my money is in a savings account. Tony has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.
  • tony stark: I was once on the phone with blockbuster video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That's like when Steve would be like, "We'd all go play jacks by the soda fountain," and you're like, "Nobody knows what you're talking about , you idiot."
  • clint barton: It's fun to be married. I've never been supervised before. I'm supervised! My wife studies what I do, like an anthropologist. She'll be like: "Sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV even though he already owns that movie on DVD. Pointing this out confuses and upsets him."
  • bruce banner: In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.
  • natasha romanoff: I'll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, I'll die.
  • thor: Ah...numbers. The letters of math.
  • sam wilson: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don't care for that shit at all.
  • bucky barnes: Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the '30s: As long as you weren't there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.
  • scott lang: it's 100% easier not to do things than to do them.
  • peter parker: I have had a very long day. I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.
  • t'challa: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

anonymous asked:

So I went in to get my tattoo tonight and since it was a long session, my artist and I had time to talk about all kinds of things. Since part of my tattoo was a pride flag, he obviously knew I was gay if my appearance didn't day it already. He started talking about his daughter and how she was gay and she had a gf but he had never met her. When we took a break he showed me a pic of his daughter... It was my girlfriend... It was so crazy! I then introduced myself as his daughter's girlfriend.

OMFG WHAT THE HELL THATS GREAT

3

Yoojin sharing her Alice in Wonderland phone case that reminds her of us Cheshire.  ❤️

Ok but Matt’s mom gave Stephanie a necklace that says ‘family’ on it and I’m lowkey emotional.

A day in my life
  • me @ 7 am: *whatching the news* Mmm I should really learn Catalan, and it wouldn't be that difficult
  • me @ 10 am: *listening to my playlist* I need to study Korean more, I'd love to understand this songs without looking them up
  • me @ 2 pm : *on the bus, surrounded by tourists* Oh! that's Finnish!!! and that's German!! I wish I could talk to them, but at least I can tell the languages apart
  • me @ 5 pm: *watching a traveling show* That language sounds so interesting * googles all about it and download lots of material*
  • me @ 10 pm: *in bed, after doing 0% of actual language work* I love languages so much! it's so tiring loving languages! I'm sure going to be a polyglot!

So, I hadn’t really intended to address the matter but I’m receiving a lot of asks and pm’s about it + it’s in the press here so i might as well just get it out of the way real quickly. 
Two metastases (new tumors created by the main one) have been found in my dad’s liver and it’s shitty but that’s just the way it is. I’d rather not discuss it and while i really am super appreciative of all your support and kindness I would rather not receive asks or stuff about it. I’m finishing up final exams and shit and i just need to focus on the things that i actually have control over (like my grades). 
so thank you all and i hope this answered your questions. 

- MASTERLIST  
                 KAI PARKER SMUT -


•  I Always Get What I Want
Kai keeps tugging on reader’s skirt , she tells him off but thats only the beginning …

•  Roommates (A Prison World Story)
Reader gets sent to the Prison World where Kai is. They have briefly crossed parts before  and have spend nearly 5 months together in there, over time getting closer and eventually move in together (as friends , things grow from there) …

•  Don’t Challenge Me (a bit of a sequel to Roommates )

•  All I Want
Kai stalks Reader who is super annoyed because Kai never stops talking , dropping hints about him being in love with her and one day Reader finds Kai sleeping in her bed …

•  Magic Fingers (a prequel of sorts to Don’t Let Me Go)

 Bring Me To Life
Reader is in love with Kai but he ignores it because the feelings he has scare him and is not sure if it’s love.

•  How I Really Feel
Reader is a part of the MF gang and a which with a different kind of powers. She likes him but Kai doesn’t seem to like her but that’s not exactly true.

•  Just Tonight
(After Kai gets out of the 1994 Prison World , before the merge).
Kai meets Reader at the Grill and they end up making out. Later on Reader leaves and Kai follows her in the dark streets of Mystic Falls.

•  I Know You Like Me
Reader and Kai always are cocky / tease each other , one day Reader is kidnapped and Kai comes to her rescue.

•  Thunderstorms
Reader is afraid of Thunderstorms and Kai sees that a big storm is coming and rushes to her place worried because of a blackout.

•  Lessons
(in the new Prison World) Reader gets sent into the Prison World with Kai. One day Kai comes back and finds out she had sneaked into his room while he was out of the house.

•  No Touching - Part II - Part III (🔥🔥🔥)
Kai get’s injured and get’s horny so Reader has to ‘take care’ of him.

•  Hands to Myself
Reader and Kai make a bet  on how long each of them can last without kissing / touching the other.

•  Feed On Me
Kai and Reader are best friends. After the transition Kai finds himself wanting to bite her , feed on her and …

•  Friends With Benefits
Reader and Kai are friends with benefits.

•  Fuck Away The Pain
(based on the song ‘’Fuck Away The Pain” by Divide The Day)

•  Under The Stars
Reader feels insecure because of all the supernatural girls throwing themselves at Kai and she doesn’t feel like she is good enough.

•     Taking Back My Love [smut] 😈
(based on the song ‘Taking Back My Love’ by Enrique Iglesias & Ciera)

•     Moonlight [smut] 🔥
Reader and Kai live together but are not a couple. One hot summer night he wakes up and she is not in the house.

•     Miss me ? [smut] 🔥
Reader comes home finding Kai touching himself.

•     That’s Kinda Hot [smut] 🔥
Reader squirts for the first time.

•     Punishment [smut] 🔥
Kai sees Reader dancing with another guy and then punishes her.

•     Having Fun ? [smut]
Kai is on the phone and Reader is suuupppeeer horny , but he wont pay attention to her and she decides to take matters in her hands.

•     New Things [smut]
Reader gives Kai the head for the first time.

•     Scars [smut]
Reader is a werewolf who has been in a lot of fights and has some scars on her body , and she doesn’t want to sleep with Kai because of them.

•     If You Want It - Take It [smut]
Reader is sent to the Prison World where Kai is but doesn’t know she is not alone until one day they meet accidentally and move in together @ the Salvatores.

•    Bumpy Ride [smut] 😈
Kai and Reader go on a road trip ; He teases reading right before they leave and then its a bumpy ride.

•     Fast Friends
Reader meets Kai at the Salvatore’s and he teases her with magic.

•      Midnight Surprises 🔥
A sequel to ‘If You Want It - Take It

•      Rule Breaker [smut]😈
Kai has set rules when it comes to him and Reader doing things and Reader breaks one of them.

•      Snowy Honeymoon 🔥
Reader is a witch and she gets married to Kai , seemingly neither of them liking the other but on their honeymoon something happens.

•      Fireflies
Kai and Reader go on a camping trip in the woods.

•      Addicted to You [smut / praise kink] 🔥
Kai and Reader are (fr)enemies with benefits , thought thats not exactly the truth. #iSuckAtSummaries😄

•      Chill 🔥
Reader is tired of Kai teasing her , saying she is too serious and needs to chill and after one of the parties in MF things … happen.😈

•      EX’s and OH’s [threesome smut] 🔥(ft. Kol Mikaelson)
Kai and Reader are a couple and then out of the blue Kol (her ex) shows up after he comes back to life.😈

•      Party Surprises [smut] 🔥
Kai and Reader are having fun at the Salvatore’s with the MF gang and Kai gets horny and then things happen. [a bit of a sequel to ‘ Fast Friends ’]

•      24/7 [smut] 🔥
based on the song ‘24/7′ by David Correy 

•      First Time [smut] 🔥
Reader’s parents (leaders of the werewolf pack in Portland) and Kai’s parents arrange a marriage to grant peace between the supernaturals in Oregon. Both Kai and Reader are 17 years old at the time. On her 18th birthday something happens for the first time.

•      More Of You [smut] 🔥
A dominant Kai.

•    Awwh, am I being punished ?🔥
‘Awhh, am I being punished. Cuz that’s kinda hot.’ // Kai screwes up and Reader punishes him.
[a sequel to  IF YOU WANT IT TAKE IT  /  MIDNIGHT SURPRISES ]

•      Handcuffs [smut] 🔥
Kai handcuffs himself to Reader to get her to admit she feels something for him, and things happen.

•      More Than Friends [smut]
Reader calls Kai to pick her up from a party and when he comes to get her, he is all grumpy while she is happy and horny. Then on the ride ‘home’ something happen.

•      Distractions [smut] 🔥
Reader has a paper to finish, but Kai has other ideas about their afternoon together.

•      The Best Birthday [smut] 👂🔥🎂
It’s Reader’s birthday and after four years, she finally gets to spend it with Kai.


A lame joke
  • *Sam, Dean, and Castiel walk into a bar*
  • Bartender: *looking at the trio* I'm sorry, but we don't allow animals in here.
  • Dean: *looking to Cas* Excuse me? My friend here is a freaking angel. He's done more for this world than you ever could, and if anyone has the right to be called a "person," it's him. So why don't you say that to his face!
  • Bartender: What? An angel? No! I was talking about the gigantic moose that followed you guys in!
  • Dean: Hey! That's my brother you're-
  • Moose: *makes moose noise*
  • Dean: ...
  • Dean: *realizes that they've been walking around with a literal moose all day, mistaking it for Sam*
  • Dean: Son of a Bitch, that's the third time this week

anonymous asked:

Hey there, hope you don't have too much in your ask box. So, how about Gabriel and McCree having a long distance relationship and they see s/o for the first time in person? Thanks, and have a nice day/night~

First of all, I apologise greatly for the delay, to everyone with requests in my inbox! I’ve had a pretty tough couple weeks with a few bouts of illness and such though thats not much of an excuse. Many to come this weekend to make up for it, hopefully. Have had two requests exactly like this so this will answer both. Hope these are okay as headcanons! Have a great day/night too :)


Gabriel

You’d been talking online for about a year now

  • You were the one to reach out to him first, and he’d started out pretty shy
  • Gabriel was a guy to play his cards close to his chest and it had taken you a while to break down his very, very high walls
  • Now, after a year, he was quite the opposite
  • Seriously, this guy was the smoothest man you’d ever encountered
  • You’d suggested meeting a million times so when he did, your heart soared

You’d never actually talked on the phone either

  • So you’d never heard the man’s sinfully low tone
  • “Hola, cariño”
  • You were sold on him then and there
  • Small talk ensued, something both of you despised but felt obligated to engage in
  • It was a little awkward at first, sitting on the edge of a fountain in the town centre, neither knowing quite what to say
  • When the person you’ve fallen in love with on the internet is suddenly in front of you, what is there to say?

All that vanished when he splashed you

  • It was just a tiny gesture and yet all awkwardness dissipated in an instant
  • You spent a few minutes splashing each other
  • Throwing your head back with a laughter that made Gabriel’s chest feel warm
  • Afterwards, when a truce was called, he grabbed your hand and dragged you for ice cream
  • Your fingers stayed intertwined for the rest of the day


McCree

Oh my god this guy was full on flirt mode from day one

  • It was obvious he normally had girls falling at his feet
  • So he was a little put out when you simply replied ‘LOL’ to all his best lines
  • Put out and also super intrigued
  • It became your daily routine, him sending a new line he’d thought up and you rebuking it in as many different ways you could think of
  • Soon, it developed into actual conversations, almost loving ones before you just seemed to slip into the roles of boyfriend/girlfriend before you even realised

It had been just under a year and he had been pestering you to meet up constantly

  • You wanted to be completely sure before doing anything of the sort
  • (Even though you’d been sure from the first day he’d messaged you)
  • When you finally agreed, he was ecstatic
  • Even told you he was jumping round his room, which you could believe

He was waiting for you when you arrived at the gun range he’d suggested

  • Instantly running to him for a hug
  • You just stood there for a good 5 minutes, arms round his waist, his face in the crook of your neck
  • “Howdy, darlin’”
  • You just about died at the sound of his accent
  • Spent the rest of the day learning how to shoot a gun
  • Jesse, as he told you to call him, found a way to keep in physical contact with you for literally the entire day
  • You weren’t complaining
  • my boss: why are you so so bad at your job
  • me: hey its not my fault i grew up drinking flouridated water so now i have adhd and some kind of auditory processing disorder thats just ME baby im a millennial, baby. thats our generation. skiddly op bop bada bop im the SCATman sorry that was just some of my generations signature irreverent humor for you. i think i might have sleep apnea because im tired all day or maybe im just spiritually exhausted idk. here's the twist: i didnt say any of this out loud and am just thinking it, youve been talking to me for at least five minutes and i think ive been going "uh huh" every thirty seconds or so but i have no idea what youre talking about. now im gonna stare at outlook express for ten minutes while trying to process my job anxiety. Im a millenial baby and thats just how we