that's my excuse on why these look like shit

💫 friendship / pre est. memes 💫
  • " sarcasm is for winners, (insert name of muse) "
  • " look! i drew a giant penis in the sand! "
  • " if you push me off rainbow road, i'll blue shell you to hell. "
  • " excuse you, sharknado is a classic! "
  • " ... and that's why i have this 10% employee discount card for kfc. "
  • " did you just blue shell me you piece of shit? "
  • " i love you, but you're being a shitbucket right now. "
  • " SQUEEZE MY FUCKING ARMPITS. "
  • " have you ever farted so hard and felt like you broke your sphincter? "
  • [ txt ] iconic.
  • [ txt ] 💃 dances angrily
  • [ txt ] if i find out ur the asswipe that ate the last of the dinosaur nuggets im gonna break ur neck
  • [ txt ] okay you gotta get charming, you gotta flirt. and by flirt i mean eye fuck awkwardly for half an hour until one or both of you leave.
  • [ txt ] he farts whenever he walks into the room, i don't know how long our friendship will last.
  • [ txt ] he tried to be sexy and asked who my daddy was so i said i don't know.
  • [ txt ] i just opee dn up the vodk a le tsgo
HetaTube: Horrible Movies Part 5
  • England: hello everyone, and welcome back to another session of my commentary on horrible, over-paid, idiotic movies. Some of you seemed to like my previous commentaries on animated movies, so I've decided to make another video on a movie called 'Norm of the North'. Let us get started, shall we? *presses play button*
  • England: ... what is this animation?? Even my drunk arse could animate better than this shit! And animals talking? Wow, what an original idea, mate. Pretty sure your team of writers are just a bunch of toddlers drawing these animals in crayon!
  • England: Are these gerbils with him? What? How? I thought we're in the South Pole? And who in their bloody right mind would want to build a fucking condo in the Arctic?? What sort of torture is that???
  • England: *eyes twitching* is no one going to question the bear in New York City?? Where are the cops? Whoever thought that this was a bright idea should be given a dictionary on what right ideas are. Either that or a slap on the head!
  • England: *groans* why though?? Why would you make humans look like the definition of aliens?? My mother would draw them better on rocks and walls with a piece of chalk made by these animator's tears!
  • England: I'm sorry, but I can't even finish the movie. I don't give a crap about what happens in the end, because I don't give shits on this stupid polar bear! Canada's bear has more personality than this poor-excuse of an animal! If I had to rate this movie I would say that it's a number only seen through black magic, because I'm sure that's what the director used to trick people into making this. That movie was so painful to watch and I recomend toddlers to watch it because at least when they throw something at the movie screen, they won't be blammed or fined.
Undertale (and AU) Characters as Things I've Said/Thought
  • Asriel: Hello Kitty can be punk rock.
  • Also Asriel: *while drinking a Capri Sun* I can be hardcore if I want!
  • Flowey: Why is it socially unacceptable to laugh like a psychopath?
  • Omega Flowey: Yeah so basically I'm practically god.
  • God of Hyperdeath: Time to play "How Long Can I Ignore my Emotions"!
  • Frisk: What the fuck I wanted happy friendship time not this.
  • Chara: This is why I'm going to hell.
  • Toriel: Take a fucking nap, babe.
  • Also Toriel: I'm adopting her. She's my daughter now.
  • Underfell Toriel: Hello naughty children time for death.
  • Asgore: Tea makes me feel warm and cozy inside.
  • Undyne: I wanna be buff enough to intimidate men and to attract women.
  • Underswap Undyne: I am too gay and beautiful to participate in gym class.
  • Underfell Undyne: Apparently, choking people who hurt my loved ones is "unorthodox" and "illegal".
  • Swapfell Undyne: If a mad scientist turned me into a grotesque sea creature monster I'd thank them with tears in my eyes because now I can be the shambling water husk I was born to be.
  • Alphys: Yes I'm smart but why at the cost of my mental stability?
  • Underswap Alphys: I am small but I am willing to punch someone.
  • Underfell Alphys: Why isn't "mad scientist" a viable career option?
  • Swapfell Alphys: Unfortunately, I was too short to strangle him. But if I could've reached...
  • Sans: The skeleton looks like it's judging us.
  • Also Sans: Wow. That looks like a lot of work. Good thing I'm not doing any of it.
  • Underswap Sans: I wanted to do something for all of my friends! It would've been easy, because the number of friends I have is... actually... rather small. Oh.
  • Underfell Sans: Woah, turn down the edge, bro.
  • Papyrus: I can't just leave this puzzle unfinished are you a madman?
  • Underswap Papyrus: Idk bro. I'm just, like, chilling.
  • Underfell Papyrus: I'm the only qualified person here to be the boss.
  • Mettaton: You were born without music in your heart and dance in your veins and frankly I pity you.
  • Underfell Mettaton: God I love this gel pen. It's pink. And glittery! And I could stab someone with it!
  • Napstablook: Ghosts are pretty sweet. Undead and shit. I'd be a ghost.
  • Underfell Napstablook: I'm haunting all y'all motherfuckers when I die.
  • Muffet: I mean... I guess some money would be pretty neat.
  • Underswap Muffet: Not even the rowdy boys down the street wanted to buy my cupcakes. I don't blame them they were nasty as shit. And green. Why were they green?
  • Underfell Muffet: Aww that's a cute little spider! Look at you go- ew don't fucking touch me do you crave death?
  • Gaster: If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the void.
  • Also Gaster: Beautiful doctors are ANESTHETIC. Haha! That was a joke. You can laugh. Y-you go the joke though, right?
  • Annoying Dog: Sick ass dog bro.
  • Monster Kid: I can pick stuff up with my feet!
  • So Sorry: My art skills are like a pantry stocked with food. Unfortunately, all the food is expired and spoiled.
  • Temmie: Damn, that could've paid for my college tuition.
3

…the man who talked me into giving a shit about this crew, why, he could talk those people out there into anything. If he wanted to.

On their way to an adventure
  • <p> <b>Rick:</b> Stop th-uuurp, stop that! I-It's creepy!<p/><b>Former child star Morty:</b> *making faces in a mirror in the passengers seat* W-w-well excuse me for practicing my facial e-expressions for the next time I need to save our asses!<p/><b>Rick:</b> Yeah l-l-like the last time you got caught up talking too much and almost got us killed.<p/><b>FCS Morty:</b> *starts crying and looks pitiful* that's why I'm practicing so much, I'm pathetic.<p/><b>Rick:</b> oh he-uuurp- don't cry. You did great, just got too caught up.<p/><b>FCS Morty:</b> Y-y-you really think so???<p/><b>Rick:</b> Yeah, you did fine.<p/><b>FCS Morty:</b> *is perfectly fine* Thanks Rick, this was good practice.<p/><b>Rick:</b> You little shit!<p/></p>
Bobby gets into an argument with our host (who is named Dorian, as in Dorian Gray)
  • Me: Can I fill Dorian's shoes with rice? Because I'm going to do that anyways
  • DM: He's standing up at the moment...
  • Me: I know, and I'm under the table.
  • Jay: You better crawl your ass to the other side, then.
  • Me: Yeah, and fill his shoes with rice.
  • DM: Are you really going to do that?
  • Me: Yes, I am.
  • Todd: Maybe the skeleton will follow you around the table. That'd be an interesting thing to watch.
  • Jon: I am going to ask to excuse myself to my cabin.
  • Me: You have a cabin?
  • Jon: He said we did.
  • Me: Oh, that's true. *to DM* Okay, I'm filling his shoes with rice.
  • Todd: What's the silverware like? Is this real silver or some shit?
  • DM: It's actually very nice.
  • Todd: Oh, okay.
  • Me: I took mine under the table with me, so I'm gonna take a page out of the ratfolks' book, take it, "This is mine now".
  • DM: You're currently filling his shoes with rice.
  • Me: I know, but I took it with me.
  • DM: Okay. He looks down at you, says, "I don't know why you're doing this."
  • Me: You're really weird and I felt like... this seemed necessary.
  • Dorian: Do you want to be locked up?
  • Me: Locked up? For what?
  • Dorian: You are not being very gracious.
  • Me: Well, I started throwing rice at him *gestures to Todd* and, um, well, I'm not very gracious at all, you can ask anybody.
  • Dorian: How about you go with my skeleton over there -
  • Me: I don't trust your skeletons. I don't like your skeletons, I'm sorry, they creep me out.
  • Dorian: Well, you can do that, or you can leave the ship.
  • Me: That sounds dangerous. I'm gonna go hang out with Symu now.
  • Dorian: That's not going with the skeleton.
  • Todd: Symu does not know her too well.
  • Dorian: You can go with the skeleton, or leave the ship.
  • Me: I am not going alone. I don't want to be alone with the skeleton.
  • Dorian: His name is Boris.
  • Me: That doesn't help, shockingly enough. I just don't like him very much. I'm sorry, it's just the whole skeleton thing.
  • Dorian: Well, maybe you should not have been filling my shoes with rice.
  • Me: I can go fill Symu's shoes with rice, if that makes you feel better.
  • Todd: I don't wear shoes.
  • Me: I'll stick rice between your toes then!
  • Dorian: I've given you two options. You can do one of the two, or you can... maybe I'll add a third: you can join and be a skeleton.
  • Me: I'm not related to you!
  • Dorian: That's not how family works here.
  • Me: I am officially creeped out.