that was supposed to be reach but you can preach too

Mothers’ Weekend

Hello there! Long time, no see (my bad I know) but, here: an Alicia Zimmermann-centric piece as she goes to Parents’ Weekend during Jack’s freshmen year. [focus on Alicia, Jack, and Shitty] 6k


Somewhere, deep in her heart, Alicia Zimmermann knows she is a bad mother.

It started out as a worry, as maybe it does for all new mothers, that she will be a bad mother. That she won’t know what to do with a baby or a toddler that one day she will accidentally drop him or forget to feed him or feed him something he is actually allergic to or maybe she’ll scar him emotionally somehow and she worried but she survived his childhood okay. And then, after he was five or six, she stopped worrying about it. She thought she was doing pretty good. Jack had hockey and loved hockey and, sure, they didn’t have deep emotional talks but she didn’t exactly have any basis of comparison. Television families told her she was doing okay. No teenage boy wanted to have deep talks with his mother. And, look, if Jack didn’t talk to her all that much as he turned 12 and then 13, at least he was still talking to his father. Mostly still about hockey but she… she thought that had counted. Hockey was like French, to her. Another language she could understand but couldn’t quite speak. But Bob could. He was on top of it. Jack was taken care of.

She loved Jack. That was never the problem. The problem was that her love wasn’t enough. It didn’t matter. It didn’t alert her to any of the facts and maybe it even blinded her– She loved her son and her son loved hockey and so she loved hockey too. She loved her son and then her son seemed to love a boy named Kent and they never talked about it but she let Kent come over all the time and she figured they would discuss it at some point. She just… assumed everything was okay. Even after he was diagnosed with the anxiety disorder and given pills. It was always… well, that was a little problem but it’s handled and under control and everything is okay now.

See. Bad mother.

A good mother would have known somehow.

A good mother would have pushed and prodded or sensed it without even having to be told.

A good mother would have paid attention to how hard Jack was on himself. A good mother would have made sure her son had interests outside of hockey. A good mother would have known that Jack’s long silences after losses weren’t normal. A good mother would have preached balance and fostered friendships with different types of people and stopped the fucking hockey.

She didn’t though. Stop the hockey. No, not Alicia Zimmermann. She encouraged it. She went to the games and cheered the loudest and she even loved it a little bit because she thought it brought him joy, like his father. She bought into the vision: Jack playing hockey like Bob, the Zimmermann legacy continued throughout the ages…

God, she even used to tease Jack about how it took his father three years to win a Cup and she was sure Jack could manage it faster than his old man.

A good mother wouldn’t have done that. So, see, she’s always been a bad mother. Even now, now that she’s almost lost him, now that she’s promised to do better, now that she’s finally read all the books and online articles about anxiety and pressure and the danger of sports and hockey culture… now she’s still just as bad. Just for different reasons.

Now she is a bad mother because it’s Saturday afternoon and he’s been at Samwell for almost three months and she does not feel like mothers are supposed to feel in this moment.

She glances around. At the sea of other mothers and fathers crammed onto Samwell’s campus for Parents’ Weekend. They are not nervous. They are excited. Happy. Enthusiastic. Overjoyed to see the teenager they had left just a couple months ago again. To her right is a father almost (but not quite) breaking into a run to give his son a hug. To her left, a mother has burst into tears. Happy tears.

And then there’s her. She’s not excited to see Jack. Well, no. No, it’s not that she’s not excited. She is. She is. (She is. She repeats it once more just to remind herself). She is just…

She is nervous too. More nervous than she is excited.

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it hurts in a way i’m too afraid to speak, like a rope swing giving you brush burn - this wasn’t supposed to sting. she tells me it was just a joke, that i’m not supposed to feel this way, so i don’t. i don’t. i bite my tongue until the blood rushes out and i spit it up on myself. it’s better than opening up. it’s better than opening up.

i don’t start fights anymore. i please everyone but myself. i’m overthinking again and i can guarantee the only one overthinking is me. and maybe that’s what hurts the most, that i’m agonizing over something nobody else can even see. and i know i shouldn’t, i know i preach this, but i’m embarrassed of the way i’m feeling.

i’m tired of doing everything right and reaping the repercussions. maybe if i had one person, i would stop self-destructing. maybe togetherness is the solution but it sure feels like the closer you get to people, the harder it hurts when they go, and though i’m not doing this on purpose, i don’t feel like it’s getting better when i notice. i’m still reaching out and then pushing people away. i still am going back to what feels comfortable because i don’t believe that anyone can handle me.

and this isn’t done with the thought of it in my mind. it’s a reflex: hurt, a protective barrier that i didn’t get to choose and nobody can see through but me. and maybe this is my fault and maybe it isn’t and it doesn’t matter because it’s still here and the wound is growing - it’s strong and it’s holding me back and sometimes i really believe that this is going to be what kills me.

so my life is getting worse and then getting better and then getting worse again and i’m just waiting for the day i’m not bothered anymore. i’m tired of wasting my life on trivial things, on being sad, on being angry, but it’s like no matter how hard i try to block out my feelings, they always come back to me.

we used to always joke about how i always win, how caring will always win, but that’s just it, it was all a joke used to cover up the hurt that penetrates our skin. because it’s true when they say the greatest revenge is indifference and i’ll never be indifferent.

so i’m screaming with my car windows open when it’s raining and hoping somebody hears me. but mostly i’m hoping if i scream it out of me i won’t need anybody.

—  reflex
Driving Lessons

Plot: Harry is convinced he has to teach Y/N how to drive.

Warnings: None

Request: Yes. 

Hope you enjoy this story! The gif isn’t mine as I would certainly not be here if I’d ever been given he chance to sit that close to Harry.

This really wasn’t going even half as well as he’d promised me it would and slowly my faith in him and especially in his so called teaching skills began to subside. Harry was much braver than me and time had taught him how when he set his mind to something there was most likely a success to be found. I on the other hand knew what failure was and after having discovered my lack of skill when it came to driving and everything else even remotely car related I’d quickly given up all together. However Harry wouldn’t have it.

“Driving is not a big deal,” he’d groaned after learning of my fear, “And I’ll prove that tomorrow just so you know. You’re ridiculous.”

“Over are the days when you preached nothing but how wonderful you find me, huh?” I’d let my head roll back and turned to my boyfriend with a pout, “Guess the romance really does die before you know it.”

To this he’d laughed and I’d shrieked when his hands were grasping my ankles and pulling me onto his lap, where he’d then continued to tackle and kiss me noisily until I’d been convinced of how very present his love for me still was.

Secretly I had hoped he’d let the subject go, I really did. But Harry had a very persistent side to him. So that’s how I’d ended up here in the driver seat of his car with his watchful eyes set on every move I made.
My shaking hands had never before been this sweaty and I was red with embarrassment at how they even left a palm print on the steering wheel whenever I moved to brush the key. This was awful and for what had to be the tenth time I wondered why I always let him do this kind of stuff to me. A shaky breath left my lips and I glanced at Harry with uncertain eyes only to be met by his wide and confident smile.

“I don’t think I can do this, Harry.”

My voice was much thinner than expected, making his smile widen and his eyes warming with sympathy. He leaned in and his lips caught my cheek in a soft peck.

“You do look a little stressed out, love.” Harry chuckled against my skin before gently brushing his hand against my leg.

“What if I crash your car?” I asked, aware of how much he loved the blue vehicle he’d even jokingly named ‘Bradley’, “Or run over a cat? Harry, what if-”

“You’re not chickening out of this now,” Harry spoke whilst rolling his eyes, “I learned how to drive the moment I turned 18 and passed with ease and in one try only.”

I turned to him with arched brows. “Have I ever mentioned that I just love how humble you are?”

“Shut up,” Harry chuckled and squeezed my knee before withdrawing his touch and gesturing towards the wheel. “C'mon. The key’s there to be turned.”

My fingers still shook and I reluctantly touched the small object. It felt wrong and thinking of it now perhaps my feet didn’t reach the pedals well enough either… I turned to Harry once more. “But what when-”

“Y/N, I’m right next to you,” Harry huffed impatiently, “Should anything happen I’m here to step in, alright?”

With serious eyes he nodded towards the keys and I bit my lip, doubts clouding my head as I slowly turned it. Harry laughed when I jumped at the sound of the car coming to life and reached out to rub my shoulder in effort to ease the tension.

“Okay,” Harry hummed lowly, still incredibly calm considering he was sitting next to an emotional wreck, “Now you slowly release the clutch while giving it a little gas. Gently, Y/N. But don’t be shy, just-”

“I’m supposed to be gentle and not shy at the same time? How is that supposed to work, I-”

“It’s fine, c'mon,” Harry reassured me, “Yes, good! Just like that.”

Harry smiled as I slowly followed his instructions and I shrieked in happy surprise as the car moved. Oh god.

“Harry!”

My hands held on to the wheel so tightly the whites of my knuckles became visible and I felt so hot I was certain my forehead was dripping with sweat.

“You’re driving!” Harry exclaimed, “Good girl I knew you could do it! Now turn left over there.”

“Why do you sound so surprised and turn left where?” I panicked and Harry’s hand acted quick in grabbing mine and forcing it to stay on the wheel before I could pull away.

“We’re on an empty parking space, love, turn left wherever you want so we’re going in a circle, yeah? At your own time.”

Harry’s ability to stay calm astounded me and he even managed to genuinely smile at me. My panicked state didn’t anger him at all. My teeth sunk into my lower lip as I did what he’d asked and my eyes widened when the car obeyed my commands.

“Oh my god it’s working!” I cried out, eyes finding Harry’s happy expression. I couldn’t remember a time when my heart had hammered in my chest like this before.

“You’re doing great, baby!” he encouraged and I blushed at the pride in his tone, “Eyes on the road, though, love. Know how much you like my face but right now-”

“Please wait to be a narcissist until I’m no longer in the position of potentially killing us both, okay? Does that work for you?”

Harry laughed. “Alright, sorry.”

We continued to drive in a circle and my mood increasingly got better the longer I got to enjoy my success, until Harry decided that he wanted to teach me how to park.
Now this did not work out at all and frankly it annoyed me how he didn’t let me enjoy myself a little longer. I insisted that the space he’d chosen was too narrow for his far too large vehicle and got frustrated the longer he refused to let me give up.
I could tell Harry really tried to remain patient with me and I loved him for it but even though we were on an empty parking space I could see how much closer we were coming to the wall of one of the buildings surrounding us. What if I couldn’t reach the break in time? Or if the wheel didn’t turn properly and we’d crash? Parking was the one thing many drivers struggled with anyway wasn’t it? Why the hell did he need me to humiliate myself, now?

With a forceful push I stepped down onto the break bringing the car to an abrupt halt that jolted Harry and myself forward.

“Fucking hell, what now?” he cried out.

“I wanted to check if the break worked,” I apologized, my breathing harsh, “Sorry.”

“Warn me next time, love. Bradley isn’t the youngest anymore, please remember that.”

“Right,” I murmured, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, love,” Harry assured, his hand finding mine to squeeze my palm, “You’re being a baby chicken but it’s endearing and I love you regardless so-”

“Oh stop it,” I rolled my eyes, “I love you as well but if you don’t shut up I’ll make Bradley kiss that wall over there.”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

Hope you liked it! Personally I can’t drive so I hope what H is saying in this one shot makes somewhat sense. Thank you to @deuxghosts for the help! x

Rest of my stories: 
http://harryimaginedstories.tumblr.com/post/144920695218/masterlist

Your Friend, A Cry Baby

Originally posted by pickeringgod

A/N: based on cry baby by demi lovato & another idea I had ; idk, this isn’t requested, i just got kinda bored since i can’t sleep & did this so like it, or don’t (though it’d mean a ton if you’d like it)
hmu in my asks & gimme feedback, it’s greatly appreciated! let me know if i should do the part two that i’m planning x


Friends. That’s what they are. That’s what they pretend to be anyways, but did friends really do this? Did they really see the parts you were even afraid to see yourself sometimes? Did their lips always touch skin that regular eyes won’t behold at first glance? That’s the type of friends they are.

Hands. Teeth. Grinding hips and various blooming blotches of purples and pinks scattered from public eye. That’s what the last four and a half months consisted of. Neither of them could deny the thrill lurking in secrecy gave them, the adrenaline rushed in their blood every time they caught eyes. Last night was no different.

Y/N awoke the same way she did every time she found herself in Shawn’s habitation. An heavenly glow of light cast across the room, a slight chill in the air, and the best part—her favorite part—him. Snores fall from between his lightly chapped lips, his hand still wound up around Y/N like vines on trees. Even without the formal title, she was all his.

She rolls, praying her movements don’t awaken the sleeping god beside her. One of her eyes slides open, Shawn unmoved and her heart peacefully restored. “S’beautiful.” The words fall off her tongue like a well-kept secret. She doesn’t know that he hears, that he’s been awake since the moment she began to move and he’s going to bask in that for a couple more moments. Her fingers trace the delicate crevices of his face. That’s when he chooses to press his cheek against her cascading fingers and press a kiss to her palm. “M’thinking that’s you.”

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anonymous asked:

13 or 22 please? You can choose :))

(I went with 22 since I already did 13.))

“How much hinting do I have to do?” Eggsy asked as he threw open the doors to Merlin’s office and waltzed in.

“I beg your pardon?” Merlin asked without turning around to face Eggsy. He didn’t even look up from the item he was tinkering with. Eggsy wasn’t sure if it was a weapon or not, so he kept a wide berth and hung close to the door for a quick exit.

“For Christmas. How much hinting do I have to do before Harry catches on?” Eggsy asked. He’d been leaving small hints for what he wanted since Halloween. He’d started off rather inconspicuous, just a small print out left here on the benefits of time off, a magazine opened to articles on stress in the work place, and a vague mentioned through second and third parties about splendid vacation retreats. As November plowed through, Eggsy amped up his hinting, all but stating, ‘All I want for Christmas is you to take a bloody day off and stay in bed with me’.

“Instead of hinting lad, why don’t you just tell him?” Merlin asked. He exchanged the tool he was holding for a screwdriver and started to twist at something Eggsy couldn’t see.

“I don’t want—well— “Eggsy huffed.

How did he explain he didn’t want to push his limits? Their relationship was so new, Eggsy was afraid to ask for too much. Though he supposed asking to spend the holiday with the person you love wasn’t a ridiculous request, he also knew their job was exactly normal. Villains and terrorists didn’t take the month off. They in fact doubled their efforts, channeling their inner Grinches, and increasing Kingsman’s work load.

Eggsy shrugged. “I don’t want to force him to spend time with me.”

“He should just want it?” Merlin said, finally lifting his head to look at Eggsy with two raised eyebrows. “Lad, while Harry believes he is every bit the gentleman he preaches to be, he is also thicker than a sack of flour. He loves you, but he also has tunnel vision, and despite his pension for being tardy, he works harder than a mule. Give him a break and tell him that you want to spend the holiday with him.”

Eggsy chewed on his bottom lip and weighed Merlin’s words. Merlin turned back around, a clear dismissal. Eggsy sighed and shoved off the wall. “I guess you’re right. Thanks Merlin.”

Merlin waved him off over his shoulder. Eggsy took his leave and found Harry in his office, working on the computer.

Harry didn’t realize Eggsy was there until he cleared his throat. “Eggsy, darling, what are you doing here?”

“Can we talk?” Eggsy asked.

Harry blinked up at him with those wide eyes of his, the same ones he used back in the Black Prince the day they first met, and pushed back in his chair. “Of course, is something wrong?”

“No,” Eggsy said quickly. Harry held a hand out for him and Eggsy happily went, allowing Harry to pull him onto his lap. The feel of Harry wrapped around him instantly set him at ease.

“What’s the matter?” Harry asked, looping an arm around his waist.

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about Christmas…” He trailed off, the computer monitor catching his attention. There was a travel site up. “Harry, why are you looking at a package deal to Paris?”

“Shite,” Harry cursed and quickly reached around Eggsy to close out of the screen. “You weren’t supposed to see that. Forget that.”

Eggsy blinked, the pieces connecting in his mind. He laughed and grabbed Harry by the face, dropping a firm kiss on his lips. He stood, Harry letting him go, and headed for the door.

“Wasn’t there something you wanted to talk about?” Harry called.

Eggsy shook his head with a grin. “No, it’s not important. I’ll see you at home tonight, okay?”

“Yes, of course,” Harry said with a small frown.

On Christmas morning, Eggsy not only got Harry to himself for most of the day (until the others came over for dinner), but discovered a small box with two plane tickets under the tree. Two weeks later, Eggsy found himself standing at the top of the Eiffel tower, accepting a proposal.

Why

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 858

Warnings: Light Language

Author’s Note: @musicgeek4life said - 381 with Dean please if it’s not too much to ask


Why

A sigh.

Sam clenched his jaw but said nothing. He focused on the book in hand instead.

A long sigh.

Sam closed his eyes but said nothing. He furrowed his eyebrows and continued on.

A long, deep sigh.

Sam’s head snapped up and his hazel eyes zeroed in on his older brother, Dean. He was sitting on the bed next to his in the cheap motel they had bought for the week, his green eyes staring at the only door that separated them from the outside.

“Dude, you sound like a girl,” stated Sam. “Just…go and talk to her already.”

Dean finally forced his eyes away from the door and looked at his brother with such offense, one would think he had murdered his dog.

“Are you fricken insane? I can’t talk to her. Not after what happened last night.” Dean groaned and hid his face in his hands. “I screwed up, Sammy. I screwed up big time.”

Sam scoffed, a tiny smirk on his face. “I can’t believe you actually said that. I mean, I know you were drunk or…whatever. But the things you said about-”

“I know,” snapped Dean, lowering his hands and glaring at his brother. “Okay? I know I was stupid drunk last night and I said things that I…”

A soft knock on the door interrupted the green eyed hunter and he waited with bated breath as Sam rose to his feet and walk over to open it.

Just as he thought, Y/N walked into the room, completely avoiding eye contact with him.

“Sammy,” she began, playing her her fingers nervously. “Can I have a word with your idiot brother? Alone?”

Sam didn’t even look over at Dean before he nodded and stepped out within seconds.

The room was silent. It was tense. Dean thought he could hear his blood pumping through his veins with how strong the silence was. He was about to go crazy.

Dean cleared his throat. “So, uh, you wanted to speak to me?”

Y/N’s head snapped in his direction at his voice. “I don’t want to do anything with you, you idiot. But it has to be done because…we work together and I don’t want shit to be awkward.”

Dean sighed. “You sound mad.”

“I’m not mad. I’m…troubled.” Y/N frowned and began pacing back and forth in front of Dean’s bed.

Dean watched her do this for a moment, slowly falling into a trance. He could watch her do this simple task all day, every day for the rest of his life.

But he couldn’t. Because voicing all of this out loud was what got him in this situation in the first place.

Y/N stopped in her tracks and turned her attention back on Dean. “Why?” was her simple question.

Dean blinked and looked up at her. “Why what?”

Y/N sighed. The tension in her body had gone, only to be replaced by defeat. “Why did you say those things last night?”

Dean swallowed. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

“But that doesn’t explain why you said them.” She inched toward the bed, right beside him. “Why did you say them?”

At this, Dean took a deep breath and gently took her hand once she was within reach. He pulled her down to sit on the bed next to him, careful not to push her away with his actions.

“Because they’re true,” he finally muttered. “Every single thing I said last night was true. And I don’t regret any of it.”

Y/N shook her head. “But why say them now? After all this time we’ve been together. Side by side, you’d think we’d stop keeping secrets from each other.”

Dean chuckled lightly. She was right. But it was so hard to voice these feelings out loud. With the life they led, it was all played by ear. Nothing was ever certain.

“And don’t start preaching about how our lives are dangerous and we’re not guaranteed tomorrow,” she said, cutting Dean’s thoughts short. “It’s a bunch of bullshit.”

“But it’s the truth,” said Dean, looking over at her. “I mean look at my parents. Look at Sammy. Jessica was his whole world. This is the truth, Y/N.”

Y/N shook her head, her hand coming up to rest on the side of his face. “It doesn’t have to be our truth, Dean. We can prove that anything can last…as long as we fight for it.”

Dean leaned into her touch, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment before he opened them again. “I meant every word, Y/N/N,” he muttered. “You are the reason I fight every day. You’re worth every single breath I take. You’re everything I am.”

Y/N swallowed hard. “Ditto,” she whispered, not being able to speak any louder. “Same here, you idiot.”

Dean smiled and pressed his forehead against hers, sighing in content at the contact. “Does his mean you’re not troubled anymore?”

Y/N snorted. “Oh trust me. I’m always troubled.” She pulled away for a moment. “But you’re the only exception.”

Dean grinned before capturing her lips with his.


Dean Tags: @torn-and-frayed @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @bringmesomepie56 @neversatisfiedgirl @feelmyroarrrr @jayankles @katiekitty261 @autopistaaningunaparte @supernaturallymarvellous @heyy198206 @dreamingintheimpalawithdean @justafangirlwithglasses
@akshi8278 @smoothdogsgirl @goldenolaf25 @petrovadixon @ashleydivine @megansescape @flowermisha @benjerry707 @lindseyfreakingwinchester @badsongwinchester @jojo-nz @therewillbeblood @Abbessolute @its-my-perky-nipples @captainemwinchester @artprincessbree @sailormoon32 @tardis-full-of-fallen-angels @captain-amelia-bradley @docharleythegeekqueen @imgetting2old4diss @smoothdogsgirl @27bmm @boxywrites @impala-dreamer @petrovadixon @queencflair @riversong-sam @sleep-silent-angel @wishedworld @mogaruke 


Universe {PCY}

Description: You never understood the severity or deepness of depression until Chanyeol showed you.

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 2,832

Warnings: Slight smut / depression / death (please do not read if any of these things can/will trigger you)

Pairing: Park Chanyeol x Reader

Masterlist | Request/Ask

Originally posted by royalyeol

He was beautiful.

Not just physically, but his soul as well. Even then…as the years went on and you watched that beautiful soul of his get battered and bruised, you wondered if all of this was really worth it.

Because, in the end, all that was left was a broken shell of who Park Chanyeol used to be.

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Partition - Seokmin

Pairing: Lee Seokmin x Reader

Summary: Seokmin smut based on Partition by Beyonce

Genre: Smut, smut, and wow this is very naughty smut.

Warnings: public sex? (they do it in the limo), blowjob, cunnlingus, riding, Kitten

Word Count: 5,905


Wassup, idk how I got convinced to write on this blog, but here you guys go a little bittle of sex.   ~Admin A

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[Translation] Jurina’s confession (from Rena grad con pamphlet)

Jurina’s confession

For me, Rena-chan is lover.

Jurina cried…as Wmatsui that leads SKE until today, 7 years of being close to Rena…if we look back to their relationship that was full of emotions, our hearts would get warm. The history of the strongest pair- the pride of Nagoya- that no one has ever known and how SKE’s future will be once Rena left the group…”For me, Rena-chan is lover” Super Ace who is still here has revealed it all.


But it’s unrequited love…because of love, I couldn’t honestly say it.
True relationship of the two who have been leading SKE48 for 7 years


Jurina has just arrived at shooting location. When she saw purple flowers in the vase, she blurted out pleasantly “These flowers are so like Rena-chan”. Then, she asked staff who comes with her to pick a flower for selfie “This photo, I will send it to Rena-chan” she said with smile.

“What a creep I am right now. No matter what I see, I would say it is like Rena-chan. These flowers, also. In our unit song (TWO ROSES), Rena-chan’s dress was red and mine was blue. Red and blue combined will be purple. Two of us are purple. So, I am happy that Rena-chan love purple…”

As Wmatsui, they do their best to lead SKE48 along these 7 years. Especially, the beginning that two of them mostly worked together “Whether we went to Tokyo or stayed at a hotel, we were always together. I spent even more time with Rena-chan than with my family” To make SKE48 be the strongest group, for that reason, they have been fighting alongside of each other. However, Rena announced that she will graduate in August. There is not much time left to see “Wmatsui of SKE48”

“I only knew that she will graduate just a moment before she announced on the radio. She mailed to 1st gen ‘sorry that I didn’t tell you guys in advance’ but I was already aware of it. So fast…before General Election, I got a work with Rena-chan and she said something that she had never said. It seemed like she was thinking if she should say it. I knew it just by looking at her. I also talked to Masana ‘Rena-chan said like this, she must be thinking about graduation. What should I do?’ but Masana said ‘It is not like that. It will be alright. I talked to Rena before, she said she will not graduate soon’ then, on the day of General Election, Masana also went to Rena’s room to make sure again. The day after, Masana reported to me cheerily ‘no way she will graduate’ (laugh) but since I was always with Rena-chan, I knew it”

Sisters, friends, comrades, rivals…in these 7 years, it is difficult to describe relationship of Wmatsui that had walked along together with only one word. Break out in tears of joy together, feel the frustration together, quarrel with each other sometimes…for Jurina, Rena is special.

“Rena-chan, for me, is lover. I once thought she is family but that is not it. She is my lover. Not admiration but love. Not sisters, also. I realized how depressed it is to be separated from the one you love. Because of love, I couldn’t honestly say it. Anyways, Rena-chan always sees me as little sister, she loves me in that way. So, we are unrequited love to each other. We are opposite to each other because our way of thinking is different. But because of that, there are various kind of thoughts came out. It brought us together. I think it is a very good relationship”

Very good relationship…but also similar to Maeda Atsuko and Oshima Yuko of AKB48. They could not avoid being compared - position, ranking in election, length of waiting line in handshake event- not knowing when people started seeing them through ‘rival’ filter, though they are in the same group, comrades in the same team. “Although we are close, I once felt that I couldn’t show it because everyone said that we are rivals. Everyone enjoyed as it became like that…fans got fired up, so I thought we also need to be the same. It felt strange when we need to let people think that we are rivals. But, I was taken by it. I took it for granted that our rivalry is real…”


Looking forward to seeing you again at 10th anniversary…

3 years from now, when it is 10th anniversary, it would be great if I could make her think “let’s go see SKE48 live”


In “idol no namida: Documentary of SKE48” that was released in February this year, there was a scene that shows complicated relationship between Jurina and Rena. In 2011, the 3rd General Election was held, Jurina got 14th and Rena got 10th. It was the first time that ranking sequence of the two switched. After the event ended, in the waiting room backstage, Jurina who was crying surrounded by members trying to comfort her. While Rena was alone in the corner with tight-lipped, her expression showed mixed feeling. When we asked about this scene, Jurina lowered her head sadly. Her eyes brimmed with tears shortly afterwards…

“Back then, I didn’t know that Rena-chan was around because I just kept looking at the floor. Then, when I was about to go home, I accidentally met Rena-chan. It seemed we only said ‘thanks for hard work’, bowed to each other. But at that times, I really hated myself for thinking like…’ah, did she just look down on me?’ I supposed that Rena-chan and I think the same, there was no superiority or inferiority. Since we had walked here together, I felt lonely when I saw her walked ahead. But to think about it now, it is not like that anymore. Rena-chan was older than me. She was mature. When she saw me crying, she did not come in to comfort me because she was thoughtful. At that time, I was really young. I only thought ‘it is good that she does not mess with me’ but I understand now that was her kindness. Even so…I still want to say sorry for what I have done”

Surrounded by fans’ thought, fighting intensely in General Election every year, for members in 48 group who always aim higher, this is unavoidable. That is why there are times when these two did not talk to each other, to the point that it became awkward. However, there was something that melted away Jurina’s hostile feeling toward Rena.

“Now, I do not feel any rivalry anymore. What changed it was team shuffle (in April 2013). When Rena-chan moved from Team S to Team E, that was the first time I felt so lonely. We had always been together, but then it was gone. We were just in the different team, so I thought that ‘we just cannot stand together on the same theater stage’ but never thought that it was not only that…as our individual work increased, we could not go to Tokyo or somewhere, only the two of us, anymore. It felt lonely. If I were with Rena-chan, I would not have to eat anything. If only I had Rena-chan, I would be okay with everything. Once we talk, I would forget everything else, even eating. And when we talk about SKE48, I would put everything else away”

For SKE48, Matsui Rena’s graduation is the end of an episode in history. When a half of Wmatsui is gone, it would cause a huge effect to popularity. Will SKE48 without a pillar like Rena decline?…this pessimism started to float around, but Jurina said with confidence “It will be alright. Surely be alright! 7th gen and draft 2nd gen kids are all earnest. They are trying with all their might. When I look at them, I think of us 1st gen because the passion they have toward SKE48 is the same as us. They made me feel that ‘we will beat AKB48’ For members from 2nd gen below…Rena-chan’s graduation could be their most important turning point. Nakanishi Yuka-chan’s and Sato Mieko-san’s graduation before could also be encouragement for them. So, it will be alright!”

As 1st gen member and unshakeable ace, Jurina who has been the center of SKE48 until now will bring the new SKE48 after Rena graduated forward. Of course, everyone would think like this. But in Jurina’s mind, there is something unexpectedly different.

“I do not expect SKE to be like this or that. Everyone doing what they want with the feeling like they have right now is enough. I would not be happy if I said that we need to be like this and everyone is just too cautious to do anything. It is not necessary. About me leading everyone, I do not think that I have to lead anymore. This might be from when I listened to ‘Mae no Meri’ In ‘Mae no Meri’, there is a verse ‘Youth is a winding road. Even we fell, we will get up again. Hope is strength. We are still alright’ I think this is what Rena-chan wants to tell us. My youth is SKE48, so the feeling like ‘I want to hurry up and do something for SKE48’ or ‘I want SKE48 to be number 1’ these feelings are strong. We want to leap forward. I realized that being too strict or preaching others just because I am good at it is terrible. SKE48 members have a good attitude to learn enthusiastically by observing, I do not even have to say a thing. So, I am not worried”

AKB48 that was established in 2005 will reach its 10th anniversary this December. In another 3 years, in October 2018, SKE48 that was established in 2008 will also reach its 10th anniversary. When SKE48 mark 10-year anniversary, how will they be?…the only thing we can tell is that when the day comes, Jurina will still be working wholeheartedly as SKE48 member.

“Of course, I will still be here when 10th anniversary comes. 3 more years, I will be 21 by then. It still does not reach the age as Rena-chan is now. It is alright. Even though Masana said she will be here until 30, she might not be here by the time of 10th anniversary anyway. So, when it comes, I will make Rena-chan who is strict as an idol think ‘let’s go see SKE48 live’ To make her think that, I need to try hard in these 3 years. I want her to come and speak to me ‘I like SKE48 the most, after all. Jurina, thanks for your hard work. You did well’”

When I look at the kids, I think of us in the past


All or Nothing

Request: Can I request an imagine where the reader is the same age as peter but is also a super hero (maybe even an avenger)  and she fails a mission and there are a few fatalities, and she goes to peter sobbing and practically giving up on being a hero. Extremely sad and like FEELLSSS

Warnings: Death and stuff :((

Pairing: Reader x Peter Parker

Genre: Angst yo

Word Count: 1.8k oops

A/N: Hi ok this is gonna be a two-parter (with the majority of cute Peter action in the second part) so if you want to be tagged please add your name to this document!! Thanks babes I hope you enjoy

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The Horrors Of Spring | Chapter Six

Summary: Winter, Spring, Summer and Autumn. The four courts that serve as the pillars of the fae realm, united in peace, and yet their words could not be further apart. Natsu Dragneel, Prince of Summer, feels as though the weight of royalty will be his undoing. But when the Courts begin to gather, he soon discovers there are those far more trapped than he.

Rating: M                            Words: 3091

Prologue / Chapter One / Chapter Two / Chapter Three / Chapter Four / Chapter Five

A/N: Finally an update! I’m so sorry for the wait but please enjoy!

Aflame


             “To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life.”

                                                 - Pablo Neruda


Lucy watched as a flock of birds sailed through the pale blue sky of dawn above her. The soft grass of the clearing tickled her shins as a breeze swept by. She closed her eyes and tilted her face into the wind. If she tried, she could almost pretend she was up there with them.

Instead the breeze merely lifted strands of her hair to tickle her face. She rolled her shoulders- the movement automatic. Even with them closed, her eyes stung as she remembered she could no longer lift her wings to shield herself from the chill.

Nevertheless, the chill abated. She was sitting so close to the border she could feel the magic pulse as something drew close. A very warm and eager something.

“Where’s your coat?” The something said, “I’d hate for you to catch a cold.”

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anonymous asked:

with general conference coming up once again, which old testament figures do you think would be the best and worst conference speakers?

GOOD

  • Isaiah: the man is a pure poet. The rhymes fall so fast from his lips you’d almost swear his tongue was on fire. Every word fits perfectly, every phrase has twenty different meanings–all of them True.
  • Daniel: he’s got a folksy touch, a kind of rustic hospitality if you will. You can tell he’s got a whole lot of knowledge packed away in that brain based on some references he makes here & there, but most of what you hear from him are simply the most fabulous stories. Fabulous, to be sure, but also grounded enough that you can figure out very easily how they apply to your life as well.
  • Esther: She can talk circles around literally anyone and convince them of practically anything. It’s a real relief she’s chosen to use that gift only to better the lives of others, you think, as she makes the Truth sound not only true, but fiercely convincing.  
  • Amos: not sure if you know this, but Amos invented an entire genre of literary and poetic prophecy, the one you see every single prophet in the back half of the OT use. And if there was a single prophet from that era I could summon into right now, it would be Amos because our world is really aching for more Amoses. He spoke shocking truths to power, unflinchingly, he condemned a society with a massive gulf of inequality between the rich and the poor, and he always brought it back to how God’s sense of justice was for the oppressed. He wouldn’t give a talk in any conference center; guessing from the story in Amos 7, our guy would be camped out in front of the White House right now, preaching to all who would listen about how America and the wicked man leading it will fall into ruin, just causing a PR disaster in all the right ways. Everything he says has the impact of an earthquake. 
  • Enoch: he managed to walk up as a complete stranger and convert a bunch of wicked people into the most righteous city of all time, so speaking to an audience that already knows and agrees with him is a cakewalk for Enoch.
  • Habakkuk: able to offer a message of comfort and peace in a hard time without ignoring or minimizing how hard and heartbreaking that time might be.   
  • Elisha: Elisha rolls up into the conference center simply rocking the Bald Mormon Dad Look. He’s got two she-bears following two feet behind him at all times as a security detail and he just discovered some sunglasses that really tie his look together. As Elisha and the Bears file in, he shares an exclusive “bald men only” fist bump with Eyring, Oaks, and Renlund. The Bears loom behind him as he speaks, practically daring anyone in audience to just try cracking a joke about Elisha being bald.  
  • Ezekiel: He’s always having visions and, in fact, starts experiencing one as he steps onto the pulpit that he narrates in real time. It’s a stupendous and awful (in the older sense of “awe-full”) experience.  
  • Hagar: when Abraham tossed her out into the wilderness with her son to die because he thought that’s what God wanted him to do–that’s when Hagar learned who God really was, because God saw her and reached out to hold her. She bears a powerful testimony of the personal love Our Lord has for victims of abuse and of society. The auditorium is flooded in tears.  

BAD

  • Moses: he’s a smart guy and he’s got a lot to say but public speaking is just not his venue in so many ways.
  • Jonah: complains for the entire six months leading up to Conference about having to write a talk. complains even more when everyone asks if they should just drop him from the schedule. almost actually ends up giving a good talk? but then ruins it by complaining about how everyone who listened to it is actually following what he told them to do.
  • Jacob: “y’all want to hear another story about my sheep?”
  • Solomon: For all his supposed wisdom, Solomon reads the room completely wrong and goes into an open mic of his raunchy love poetry. It doesn’t sound particularly inspired.
  • Joshua: really good about carving people up on the battlefield; really bad at using his words to talk to people instead. 
  • Jeremiah: stretches his fifteen minute talk into a hour-long doom & gloom showcase. You don’t envy his having to be the bearer of bad news but it gets pretty repetitive.  
  • Noah: He still smells like sawdust and animals. also, he gets way too drunk before he’s supposed to speak and shows up shirtless.
  • Lot’s wife: too salty 
  • Elijah: You’re so excited for this guy to speak. You’ve heard all the stories: ravens, spontaneous combustion, sky chariot. Elijah is a capital-L Legend. There’s a chair set right up front for him, the reddest one with the fluffiest cushions. It’s empty. Elijah never shows up to General Conference.

Thank you SO MUCH to the person, who preferred to remain anonymous, that commissioned me to write this AMAZING fic about Sam moving into his house after he left the Air Force! THIS WAS THE BEST! For more info on commissioning me, click here!



“If you’re interested, let me know,” Sam’s real estate agent tells him.

“Your offer has been accepted!”

“Just sign right here and the keys are yours.”

Sam signs. The keys to his home are now his.

“You bought a house?” His sister asks him. There’s a bit more skepticism in the question than Sam wants.

“Yes, Sarah. I bought a house.”

“Where?”

“In Virginia. About three steps into the state.”

Sarah gives him a look. She owns a townhouse in the city proper. It’s not in the best neighborhood, but it’s a nice house. A beautiful house that’s full of pictures and memories, full of children’s toys and crayon marks on walls that didn’t quite come out all the way, full of food and laughter and recently- Sam.

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anonymous asked:

can i ask for a relaxing walk in the beach at night fic? usuk of course. Don't feel pressured into writing it, anything is fine :) thank you dear

a/n: Thanks Ixie for making sure I didn’t eff up! Also… I hope this is somewhat relaxing lol (sorry for straying)


Worth Fighting For

It was on Crescent beach where Arthur had first met Alfred Jones, a man who had instantly proven himself to be as chivalrous as he later, on numerous accounts, boasted to be. He was a man who, the first time Arthur had seen him, had brows drawn together in fury, an uncommon expression on the otherwise gentle giant.

“Hey, asshole, he’s not interested.”

Of course, back then, Arthur hadn’t been… well, out. His mother had still put him up to numerous blind dates, with numerous alphas who got worse as their numbers progressed.

That one, in particular, had arms as wide around as Arthur’s middle, so naturally, Arthur had thanked every god of every religion when Alfred had stormed across the beach to confront Arthur’s ‘date’- an alpha who had snapped at Arthur for flinching at the hand he’d placed rather high up Arthur’s thigh.

“So how about you put that hand of yours back in your pocket and leave him alone?”

It was admirable, Arthur remembered thinking. Admirable how some well-built- and he was certainly well built- alphas stood up for those omegas too weak-bodied to fight for themselves. Adorable, the way Alfred had grinned down at him after the alpha had left, jutting out a hand for Arthur to shake, “I’m Alfred, hi!”

“Arthur.” Arthur had said, and, “Thank you, I would’ve handled him if he wasn’t ten times my size.”

“I’ll bet.” A small chuckle. “Hey, you can thank me by letting me buy you a popsicle!”

And Arthur had winced because oh, he would really want to. He was sure Alfred was a great guy, who’d treat him like a pearl, who’d spoil him silly, an absolute darling, but-

“I’m sorry to be so forward but… I- I’m only, er, I only date omegas.”

Coming out to strangers was significantly easier because they weren’t his parents, they weren’t someone he’d have to see every day, and of course, he had been ready to hear something along the lines of- “Woah, that’s hot”, or “You need a strong alpha like me, who knows what you want!” He was used to it.

He was definitely not, however, used to the grin that followed, with Alfred pulling down the collar of his tee-shirt to reveal the small mark of an omega etched into his neck. “Well, what a coincidence! How about that popsicle?”

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Fostered Love Chapter 3

Chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Summary: After talking to her teacher and crush, Fueguchi Hinami decides to take up the extra credit suggestion he had presented. Through it she gets to know :re orphanage and it’s associates - as well as Kirishima Ayato, that from now on shall be her partner in babysitting.

Notes: I’m so excited to announce I’m finally done with chapter 3!!! I’m so happy. it took a long time because of my hiatus, but it’s finally here. I’ve been stuck on this for ages, but finally I have some more ayahina goodness to give you. also i finished it right now and its 2:40 am so forgive me if i wrote something a little stupid, haha. 😪

Chapter Summary:  
Hinami takes a test and has a breakdown. Her friends, trying to cheer her up after school take her out - and she meets Ayato on the way, and finds her way back to the orphanage and eventually, something that actually brightens her day. (7.2k)

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Song Preference: LOUD (Fuck It)

Vinny: Underpaid, you graduate, to build somebody else’s dream
You slammed the door behind you as you stormed into the apartment. You were already tearing at your uniform, desperate to not be in it a second longer than you had to be. Vinny knew it had to have been a pretty rough day, so while you silently fled to your room he went to the freezer and grabbed a carton of ice cream and two spoons. He crawls into bed with you and you immediately begin your rant about how awful your job is. “I just- I feel like I’m wasting my life. I just spent my entire life in school and the only job I can get is supervisor at a grocery store. It’s like it was all for nothing!” Vinny pulls you in closer as you bury your face in his neck. “I know baby, I know. I promise though you’ll find something better, you’re too perfect to not be successful and sooner or later you’ll find a job that will recognize that.” You sigh, already feeling yourself melt into Vinny’s arms. “You always know just what to say.” “Yeah, that’s ‘cause I’m perfect too.” He smirked as you reached for the ice cream.

Chris: Say “fuck it”, make the best of it
“Well it’s… nice.” You stammered as you dropped your bags. You and Chris had planned a weekend away in Philly, but it hadn’t quite gone as you’d hoped. First, it rained the whole drive up and was supposed to continue the entire weekend, and derail most of your plans. Then your hotel lost your reservation which lead you here. The two of you had just checked into a crappy motel outside the city, which hadn’t been updated since the mid 1970s and smelt vaguely like stale cigarettes. Chris looked around the room, deflated. “I’m sorry Y/N, this isn’t what I had planned.” “That doesn’t matter,” you said wrapping your arms around his waist “we did this to spend time with each other, and that hasn’t changed. We can still have a great weekend in a crappy hotel on a rainy weekend. Besides, I bet it’ll make for a good story someday.” Chris smiled down at you. “Yeah, someday.” You roll your eyes “For now we’ll just have to make the best of it. Like fuck it, we’ve seen worse,” you said as he smirked “We’ll be fine babe. Hell it’ll be great!” Your boyfriend sighed but he knew you were right. “Ok, ok. Let’s see if we can catch a movie or something.”

Devin: Don’t become another victim, put a smile on that face
“I don’t wanna goooo,” You whined to Devin as you got dressed for class “My professor is a douche, I can’t stand him.” For good reason. He’s 60 years old and still uses terms like ‘faggot’, and talks about how millennials don’t work hard enough. “So call him out on it, someone needs to educate him.” You sighed “Last time someone called him on it he told them not to bother showing up to class anymore.” Normally you wouldn’t hesitate to rip this guy a new one, but this was a required course that was only taught every other semester and you couldn’t risk not graduating on time. “Well,” Devin hummed as he came up behind you “you’re going to hate this, but you need to just to put on a fake smile and go to class—and before you argue you know this fucker isn’t worth messing up your graduation date!” You huff, knowing he’s right. Devin kisses the top of your head “Don’t be another victim of this bastard’s ignorance.” “I hate it when you’re right.” “You mean all the time?” He snickers as you shove his shoulders before continuing to get ready for class.

Ricky: You gotta be loud, you gotta be rude, so the world can hear you
You’d never been very assertive. In fact when you were younger you were something of a pushover. You’d always hated it about yourself, but you just didn’t like conflict. Dating Ricky had made you much more confident, but even so these things still weren’t easy for you. One day the two of you were out shopping: you were looking for a copy of The Iliad to replace the one you’d lost when moving. Finally you found the last copy on the shelf, but when you turned to tell Ricky an old man snatched the book off the shelf from beneath your finger tips. “Wait that was mine.” The man scowled back at you, mumbling about ‘your generation’ and ‘lack of respect’. You were crushed—for about .06 seconds before Ricky started in on the guy. “HEY! That was her fucking book! You wanna preach about respect— get a real hobby and stop antagonizing my girl you sick mother fucker!” You watch the color drained from the old man’s face as Ricky snatched the book from his hands and pulled you away. “Thanks babe.” You smiled, holding his hand hoping to calm him down. Ricky looked down at you with a half smile, “Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta be a little rude to get what’s yours.” “I’ll try to remember that.” you smiled as you kissed his cheek.

Ryan: With a noose as a tie… did you fantasize of a much different life
“Do you ever stop and wonder, like, what if?” Ryan looked at you questioningly “What?” The two of you were laying down on the roof of his apartment drinking beer and looking at the stars. You guys were about to finish off another 6-pack and you were getting philosophical. “Like, what if I’d finished college, or what if my family wasn’t so shitty, or what if… what if life didn’t suck so much, or was just… better?” “Nope.” You rolled to your side to face him. “No?” “No, I don’t wonder ‘what if’. Ever.” “Why not?” “Because,” he mused “if any of those things had been any different I wouldn’t be here with you, and you’re worth all the bullshit that brought us here.” “Aww Ryan.” You cooed as your boyfriend turned a new shade of pink. “Oh shut up.” He mumbled as he took another sip of his beer. “Well, I’m glad I’m here too. You’re worth all the bullshit in the world, you keep me going.” Ryan turned back to you and kissed you lightly, and you knew somehow you’d be ok.

astrangetypeofchemistry  asked:

♚ for chlolyanette (hey meggi ily how are you (my discord is down :( ))

♚: Soulmates have birthmarks that signify where their soulmate will first touch them

This is old now, I’m so sorry :’) Hi Lib i love u sm im ok how’re you? also this got longer than I thought it would sorry frgtrffdg

AO3


Chloe Bourgeois did not like Marinette Dupain-Cheng, not from the moment she laid eyes on her. Or maybe she did like her, but feelings were complicated and Chloe was jealous over how well-liked Marinette was.

Maybe that’s why she ignored Marinette’s gasp when the first thing Chloe did was get up in her face, pointing at her so intensely that her finger touched the very tip of Marinette’s nose. Maybe that’s why she refused to acknowledge the birthmark sitting on her finger, or the one that balanced on Marinette’s nose.

No, instead of stopping and staring because, at the great age of 10, she had met her soulmate, she instead chose to tell Marinette to stay away from her and stomped away.

She was too young to know what she had done would hurt.

But in the following years, she learned of that pain and heartache.

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Wow, when I started doing Jonerys chapter transition posts, I had no idea what A Dance with Dragons had in store for me! So Daenerys IV is once again a Jon-Tyrion-Dany transition. (I - TDJ, II- Jonerys, III - DJT). Jon is recruiting the Wildlings Stannis let through the Wall, for the watch after Stannis left for his Northern conquest. Tyrion is still on his river cruise with Fake Aegon but on his night out in town, Jorah kidnaps him in a brothel. Dany was recommended to marry Hizdahr for peace in Meereen & her date with Daario turns into a heated political debate & is totallyruined. So the holy trinity strikes again and there’s some good stuff in here.  

JON

Here’s a good parallel with Dany & Dothraki when Jon observes that the few Wildling recruits he gets, join because of the one guy whose strength they follow. 

And then Halleck. “I don’t like you, crow,” he growled, “but I never liked the Mance neither, no more’n my sister did. Still, we fought for him. Why not fight for you?”

The dam broke then. Halleck was a man of note. Mance was not wrong. “Free folk don’t follow names, or little cloth animals sewn on a tunic,” the King-Beyond-the-Wall had told him. “They won’t dance for coins, they don’t care how you style yourself or what that chain of office means or who your grandsire was. They follow strength. They follow the man.”

Originally posted by grysamobojcow

Also it’s great that Jon is recruiting women too but it made me smile because he’s totally a shy maiden who needs to be protected all the freggin time!

And yes, I will take your women too. I have no need of blushing maidens looking to be protected.


TYRION 

So Tyrion has a very interesting conversation with Fake Aegon, while playing a battle strategy board game and this conversation just has so much Jonerys subtext!  Also it’s kind of nice that Tyrion puts a dent in this Aegon’s dreams of marrying Dany. And ADWD is fixing so much of what the show broke in terms of my feelings towards Tyrion after he met Dany. It’s so refreshing to see a smart & insightful version of Tyrion who understands Dany before even meeting her than Show!Tyrion two seasons of knowing her. 

It does make for a splendid story, and the singers will make much of your escape once you take the Iron Throne … assuming that our fair Daenerys takes you for her consort.”
“She will. She must.”
“Must?” Tyrion made a tsking sound. “That is not a word queens like to hear. You are her perfect prince, agreed, bright and bold and comely as any maid could wish. Daenerys Targaryen is no maid, however. She is the widow of a Dothraki khal, a mother of dragons and sacker of cities, Aegon the Conqueror with teats. She may not prove as willing as you wish.”
“She’ll be willing.” Prince Aegon sounded shocked. It was plain that he had never before considered the possibility that his bride-to-be might refuse him. “You don’t know her.” He picked up his heavy horse and put it down with a thump.
The dwarf shrugged. “I know that she spent her childhood in exile, impoverished, living on dreams and schemes, running from one city to the next, always fearful, never safe, friendless but for a brother who was by all accounts half-mad … a brother who sold her maidenhood to the Dothraki for the promise of an army. I know that somewhere out upon the grass her dragons hatched, and so did she. I know she is proud. How not? What else was left her but pride? I know she is strong. How not? The Dothraki despise weakness. If Daenerys had been weak, she would have perished with Viserys. I know she is fierce. Astapor, Yunkai, and Meereen are proof enough of that. She has crossed the grasslands and the red waste, survived assassins and conspiracies and fell sorceries, grieved for a brother and a husband and a son, trod the cities of the slavers to dust beneath her dainty sandaled feet. Now, how do you suppose this queen will react when you turn up with your begging bowl in hand and say, ‘Good morrow to you, Auntie. I am your nephew, Aegon, returned from the dead. I’ve been hiding on a poleboat all my life, but now I’ve washed the blue dye from my hair and I’d like a dragon, please … and oh, did I mention, my claim to the Iron Throne is stronger than your own?’ ”
Aegon’s mouth twisted in fury. “I will not come to my aunt a beggar. I will come to her a kinsman, with an army.”    
A small army.” There, that’s made him good and angry. The dwarf could not help but think of Joffrey. I have a gift for angering princes. “Queen Daenerys has a large one, and no thanks to you.” Tyrion moved his crossbows.

Tyrion suggests this Aegon to sail to Dorne instead and start working on a conquest not that Westeros is in chaos instead of travelling to Meereen with an offer of marriage. 

“I told you, I know our little queen. Let her hear that her brother Rhaegar’s murdered son is still alive, that this brave boy has raised the dragon standard of her forebears in Westeros once more, that he is fighting a desperate war to avenge his father and reclaim the Iron Throne for House Targaryen, hard-pressed on every side … and she will fly to your side as fast as wind and water can carry her. You are the last of her line, and this Mother of Dragons, this Breaker of Chains, is above all a rescuer. The girl who drowned the slaver cities in blood rather than leave strangers to their chains can scarcely abandon her own brother’s son in his hour of peril. And when she reaches Westeros, and meets you for the first time, you will meet as equals, man and woman, not queen and supplicant. How can she help but love you then, I ask you?”

Originally posted by threemoonsareshining

Later that night, out in town, Tyrion hears the Red Priests spreading how the Azor Ahai prophesy has come true, to the public & later gets more context on what’s going on with the Red Priests in Essos.         

Her coming is the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy. From smoke and salt was she born to make the world anew. She is Azor Ahai returned … and her triumph over darkness will bring a summer that will never end … death itself will bend its knee, and all those who die fighting in her cause shall be reborn …”

“In Volantis, thousands of slaves and freedmen crowd the temple plaza every night to hear Benerro (High Priest of the red temple in Volantis. Flame of Truth, Light of Wisdom, First Servant of the Lord of Light, Slave of R’hllor - Basically their Pope) shriek of bleeding stars and a sword of fire that will cleanse the world. He has been preaching that Volantis will surely burn if the triarchs take up arms against the silver queen.”      

Later at a pub, in an attempt to gain gossip about Dany, Tyrion meets an anti who has the most hateful heresy about her but Tyrion’s reaction to the last bit was just too weird & funny…

“She gives her body to men to take their souls in thrall.”
Oh, good, thought Tyrion. If she gives her body to me, she is welcome to my soul, small and stunted though it is.

But this anti gives good insight into the big picture of the slave trade and why all the cities are slowly backing Yunkai in their preparation of war against Meereen. 

This arrogant child has taken it upon herself to smash the slave trade, but that traffic was never confined to Slaver’s Bay. It was part of the sea of trade that spanned the world, and the dragon queen has clouded the water. Behind the Black Wall, lords of ancient blood sleep poorly, listening as their kitchen slaves sharpen their long knives. Slaves grow our food, clean our streets, teach our young. They guard our walls, row our galleys, fight our battles. And now when they look east, they see this young queen shining from afar, this breaker of chains. The Old Blood cannot suffer that.


DANY 

Dany’s chapter begins with ‘The Green Grace’, this old wise woman who is sort of the religious leader in Meereen, proposing a marriage to Dany. It kind of makes me sad that Dany is viewed as a foreigner in both Essos & Westeros but this this political argument is good foreshadowing for her conquest in Westeros. Politically, ‘sharing the burden’ & solidifying the hold on the land by marrying someone from the land seem like well laid out reasons.

“Then heed me now and marry.” 
“Ah.” Dany had been expecting this. 
“Oftimes I have heard you say that you are only a young girl. To look at you, you still seem half a child, too young and frail to face such trials by yourself. You need a king beside you to help you bear these burdens.” 
Dany speared a chunk of lamb, took a bite from it, chewed slowly. “Tell me, can this king puff his cheeks up and blow Xaro’s galleys back to Qarth? Can he clap his hands and break the siege of Astapor? Can he put food in the bellies of my children and bring peace back to my streets?” 
“Can you?” the Green Grace asked. 
“A king is not a god, but there is still much that a strong man might do. When my people look at you, they see a conqueror from across the seas, come to murder us and make slaves of our children. A king could change that. A highborn king of pure Ghiscari blood could reconcile the city to your rule. Elsewise, I fear, your reign must end as it began, in blood and fire.” 

Isn’t it interesting that someone who lives in a desert would use the term ‘melt like snow’ especially in this context LOL

 Wed Hizdahr zo Loraq and make a son with him, a son whose father is the harpy, whose mother is the dragon. In him the prophecies shall be fulfilled, and your enemies will melt away like snow.”    
He shall be the stallion that mounts the world. Dany knew how it went with prophecies. They were made of words, and words were wind. There would be no son for Loraq, no heir to unite dragon and harpy. When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, when the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. Only then would her womb quicken once again … 

Later when Dany meets Hizdahr to talk to him about this marriage, here’s another great insight into the impact on the slave trade & why even Qarth has joined the war. 

When you smashed the slave trade, the blow was felt from Westeros to Asshai. Qarth depends upon its slaves. So too Tolos, New Ghis, Lys, Tyrosh, Volantis … the list is long, my queen.” 

Also can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that for all her badassery, Dany too believes in the romantic stories of Knights & their chivalry? This is why I’m super excited for her interactions with Arya & Sansa next season.  It’s really endearing, though I like how she turned it to ask for peace to test if Hizdahr really has some sway over the Sons of Harpy. 

“In my Seven Kingdoms, knights go on quests to prove themselves worthy of the maiden that they love. They seek for magic swords, for chests of gold, for crowns stolen from a dragon’s hoard.” 
Hizdahr arched an eyebrow. “The only dragons that I know are yours, and magic swords are even scarcer. I will gladly bring you rings and crowns and chests of gold if that is your desire.” 
Peace is my desire. You say that you can help me end the nightly slaughter in my streets. I say do it. Put an end to this shadow war, my lord. That is your quest.”

“Though young girls have been known to be fickle. I may still want a magic sword.” 
Hizdahr laughed. “Then you shall have that too, Radiance.” 

Dany, my boo, you have dragons sweetie but someone give this nerd a magic sword. I mean, I keep hearing that all men go crazy for Dany but so far all I’ve seen is rapist Drogo dialling down the misogyny a bit when she was pregnant with “the stallion” & pedo Jorah sexually assaulting her. So far in this story I have never seen a guy treat her like this secret romantic wants to beyond the shallow gestures & infatuation.  Even her teenage crush on Daario was so endearing at first but her casual date with Daario, which she’s really excited about, too crashes & burns due to politics. Like look how excited she is:

I need to change, to make myself beautiful. 
She said as much to her handmaids when they came. “What does Your Grace wish to wear?” asked Missandei. 
Starlight and seafoam, Dany thought, a wisp of silk that leaves my left breast bare for Daario’s delight. Oh, and flowers for my hair. When first they met, the captain brought her flowers every day, all the way from Yunkai to Meereen.  “Bring the grey linen gown with the pearls on the bodice. Oh, and my white lion’s pelt.” She always felt safer wrapped in Drogo’s lionskin.

Originally posted by arcadianambivalence

But this is what her romantic situation really is with Hizdahr :

“You have not said you love me.”
“I will, if it would please Your Radiance.”
“That is not the answer of a man in love.”
“What is love? Desire? No man with all his parts could ever look on you and not desire you, Daenerys. That is not why I would marry you, however.”

And the end of her date with Daario :    

“Then winkle them out of their pyramids on some pretext. A wedding might serve. Why not? Promise your hand to Hizdahr and all the Great Masters will come to see you married. When they gather in the Temple of the Graces, turn us loose upon them.”
Dany was appalled. He is a monster. A gallant monster, but a monster still. “Do you take me for the Butcher King?”
“Better the butcher than the meat. All kings are butchers. Are queens so different?”
“This queen is.”        
Daario shrugged. “Most queens have no purpose but to warm some king’s bed and pop out sons for him. If that’s the sort of queen you mean to be, best marry Hizdahr.”
Her anger flashed. “Have you forgotten who I am?”
“No. Have you?”
Viserys would have his head off for that insolence. “I am the blood of the dragon. Do not presume to teach me lessons.” When Dany stood, the lion pelt slipped from her shoulders and tumbled to the ground. “Leave me.”

But I’m loving this vulnerable ‘being a total softie’ side of Dany & everything about this book in general. Lowkey, don’t want to finish it! 

Childhood emotional abuse musings

As a victim of childhood emotional abuse, one of my biggest fears is that I’ve been damaged so much that I’m unable to have a healthy relationship/to love someone else; that I might turn into an abuser myself.

I don’t know about other people, but I realised that I learned (indirectly, through stories, fictional and real ones) that abused children always turn into abusers themselves. It’s not like society teaches children about abuse, as it should, but of course it’s still there, and you pick things up subconsciously. I assume that there ARE great resources about abuse victims healing and having healthy relationships. But the little that reached me passively and superficially through the media was always something so nightmarish that I didn’t want to have anything to do with it and it was one of those things (like so many painful, but important topics) where you think they don’t have anything to do with you and so you stay away from them.

Now that I fully realised that I was emotionally abused by my family, I am thinking intensely about these things, of course. I’m currently reading “When Marnie was there” by Joan G. Robinson, and people who read it or watched the Ghibli movie adaptation will know that the character Marnie was emotionally abused (by her parents, nurse, and maids). Just now I stumbled across something in it that shot right through the heart of my insecurities:

“You mean,” said Jane, “that because Marnie wasn‘t loved when she was little, she wasn’t able to be a loving mother herself, when her turn came?”

“Something like that,” said Gillie. “Being loved, oddly enough, is one of the things that helps us to grow up. And in a way Marnie never grew up.

Obviously I found this quite upsetting. The case in the story was that Marnie sent her daughter of 6 years away to America during WW2, to protect her, and she didn’t return until she was 13 (it didn’t explain more details). Her husband had died before or during the war (unclear) and when her daughter came back she couldn’t love Marnie nor forgive her that she sent her away.

So it’s quite complicated of course. Personally, I don’t think that Marnie sending away her daughter necessarily has to have been an effect of Marnie having been emotionally abused and therefore not knowing how to be a good parent. I’ve known a lot of stories in which women give/send away or think about giving/sending away their children, and from what I gathered, it usually has much more to do with society preaching that love has to be “selfless” (oh, how I hate that word!), and therefore sacrificial - especially women’s love, of course, and even more especially a mother’s love. If a mother doesn’t sacrifice herself for her child, she doesn’t love it, that’s (still) society’s opinion. And sadly we don’t get to know anything about how Marnie treated her daughter before she sent her away, nor afterwards. Gillie, who tells the story (an old childhood friend of Marnie), confesses herself that she doesn’t know more about Marnie than what she tells them (Anna and the new family living in the Marsh House). So I think her answer to Jane’s question isn’t really fair - it’s obvious that she’s being evasive, but by speaking in a generalising way (”Being loved….helps us to grow up.”), she makes her message even more harmful, at least to me (idk how other victims of emotional abuse might feel about this).

So this prompted me to think about this problem even more than before, and what I think she should have said is more something along the lines of how Marnie never could work through her trauma and heal from it, and that that was the reason she had a hard time being a good parent, rather than simplifying it by saying that this happened as a direct consequence of her abuse. The book doesn’t even use the word “abuse”, not once (it’s from 1967, so I’m assuming that is one major reason). And apparently Marnie’s husband, Edward, was emotionally abusive too. In the movie he’s portrayed as only supporting Marnie, as he should, but in the book he makes fun of her for being scared of the windmill and Gillie says that he was “stern”. It isn’t even made clear whether Marnie herself ever realised that she was abused! What we get to see of her, as a child, shows her being in very deep denial, repeating again and again how lucky she is to be rich and have beautiful parents. Gillie tells us that Marnie never complained about the abusive nurse and maids, out of fear, and it only came to light when she ran away and half the village searched for her. After that she was sent to a boarding school. So I doubt very much that she ever had a chance to fully realise that they were abusing her, let alone that her parents were abusing her through their neglect! And being married to an emotionally abusive partner as well, how on earth was she supposed to ever heal?

What I’m taking from this is: I think, yes, a victim of abuse can turn into an abuser, but it’s a possibility, not an inevitability. And likewise, an abuser can have been a victim of abuse once, but not necessarily. Society has so many abusive traits, I really don’t find it hard to imagine that someone who wasn’t abused, but never got sensitised to the topic or to deeper sensibility in general and doesn’t inform themselves extensively about parenting - that such a person can emotionally abuse their child(ren) (and mind, that’s no excuse - there’s no excuse for abuse, no matter what the reasons for it are). Society teaches self-hate instead of self-love, numbness and cruelty instead of empathy, competition and seeking success instead of communication and seeking insight, cheap pleasure and ignorance instead of completeness and awareness - honestly, simply by being well-adapted to society you can be very abusive to others. So it all comes down to the same thing - EVERYONE needs to self-reflect and inform themselves and learn about healthy relationships, about self-love first and foremost, and then about loving others, be it friends, a partner, or your child (but you can’t really do the one without the other any way). Of course victims of abuse will have a harder time in relationships and they need to go through more and learn and un-learn more. But the important message to internalise is that of course they also are still capable of having healthy relationships and of being a great friend, partner, or parent.