Going Home 1/1
Just a little one shot that I bashed out tonight after watching ‘Home again’
When I was a little girl I believed things would always be the same; that nothing would change. A child’s mind, held firmly in the present, living for each moment without a care that my small world would ever expand. Held as I was in the protective cocoon my parents had created for us, nothing could touch me; I was invincible.
I spent an unremarkable childhood. I played, I fought with my siblings over trivialities, I learned. I grew.
Sure, we moved around a lot. Bill called us ‘Navy Brats’ and even when I was too young to really understand what the words meant, I would see the displeasure in my Mother’s eyes; because I came to know just how hard she fought to give us a childhood that, whilst nomadic in nature, was still rooted in stability. A stability that came from her.
The centre of my world back then.
And even though my world expanded as the years went by, she remained always fiercely protective of me, her youngest daughter.
Her baby girl.
I didn’t always appreciate her; finding the involvement she sought within my life to be a dangerous distraction, becoming ever more fearful as I became embroiled deeper and deeper into the darkness that she might be targeted by the same men who fought so hard to destroy me. A fight that had already robbed her of my sister and more than that, of her faith in me…..of her trust that good would always prevail.
And so I found myself distancing myself from her. Turning away from her, not because I wanted to, but because I felt that it was the only way to protect her.
It wasn’t her fight you see.
I was wrong of course; because as my Mother, anything that hurt or harmed me was always her fight and it was only when I became a Mother myself that I truly understood. But by then it was too late, because time and distance had driven an invisible wedge between us. The unspoken words that I pushed away again and again until they remained in the background of our relationship. Tainting it as I had already been tainted.
I did what I did to protect her. That’s what I always told myself, knowing all the time that it was a lie. That really, I was just trying to protect myself.