that runneth

My epic list of casual curses

A few months ago, someone broke my heart by dumping me for another girl.  In my sadness, I unleashed an outpour of 86 casual curses on my facebook wall as a way of venting my feelings.

Here is that list.

May you bite into a big chunk of garlic so your mouth feels funny for the next few days.

May a condom commercial come on tv while you’re in the room with your girlfriends dad.

May you stub your toe on every piece of furniture in your apartment.

May you over-salt every meal you try to cook.

May all of your pillows smell of feet.

May your toast always burn, and may no amount of scraping remove the black parts.

May your pen leak all over a drawing that was coming along really well.

May your teeth become very cold-sensitive.

May your mailbox be clogged with advertisements.

May you clog the toilet the first time you go to a new friends house.

May you always have an unsettling feeling of bugs crawling all over you when you’re trying to fall asleep.

May you always step in a funky-colored liquid after putting on socks.

May your ice cream always be frost burnt.

May every vending machine eat or reject your dollar.

May that “silent” fart come out surprisingly loudly.

May you develop erectile dysfunction.

May you step on a d4

May every toilet seat you sit on be either uncomfortably cold or uncomfortably warm.

May the elastic on all of your underwear give out.

May you always have a zit right on the inside of your nostril.

May you always have to pee while a cat is sitting on your lap.

May your next-door neighbor buy a set of bagpipes and practice every night until 4 in the morning.

May your favorite sweater shrink in the dryer.

May you get busted for illegally downloading something.

May you always have that feeling of having to sneeze.

May you fart in the middle of making out with someone.

May all of your favorite shows and movies be removed from Netflix.

May you get an un-hideable hickey right before you go visit your grandmother.

May there always be a pebble in your shoe.

May you spill your drink in your lap so it looks like you peed yourself. May this happen right before a date.

May your significant other forget your birthday.

May you run out of toilet paper, paper towels, and kleenex, and then get food poisoning.

May you always lose your chapstick.

May a flock of noisy geese start hanging out right outside of your bedroom window.

May the delivery guy always forget your drink.

May you take a giant drink of milk right out of the carton, only to discover its gone bad.

May your cup runneth over… with hot coffee.

May Autocorrect punish you.

May you always overdraft your bank account by like a dollar and have to pay a stupidly large fee.

May you find something really gross in the bottom of your cup of coffee after you’ve already finished it.

May you be the one to discover that there is a hole in the oven mitt.

May you step on this ungodly hybrid. (picture of a lego with a thumbtack stuck through it).

May you have an unforgivable Freudian slip.

May your roommate get addicted to a really irritating song and play it constantly.

May your most embarrassing tumblr post go viral.

May you be cursed with ingrown hairs that look like herpes.

May you suddenly become uncomfortably aware of your tongue.

May you get the hiccups during a phone interview for a job you really want.

May every surface you touch be sticky.

May your acne never go away.

May you always die in a video game just before you reach a checkpoint.

May your life develop a laugh track.

May your laundry always come out of a dryer a little bit damp.

May your favorite book be adapted into a terrible movie.

May you get a blister on the side of your pinkie toe.

May the spoon fall into the bowl every time you eat soup.

May you have to close every open tab because you can’t figure out where the music is coming from.

May you slice your finger while cutting up a lemon.

May you hit every red light.

May that unreachable spot on your back always itch.

May someone set the child censorship thingy on your netflix account.

May the YMCA song get stuck in your head for the next six months.

May all of your exes suddenly get really really hot.

May you develop a persistent itch on the inside of your nose.

May netflix cut out on you every few minutes for the rest of your life.

May you always get called in to work on your day off.

May you never find a job in your chosen field.

May your name become synonymous with the word “asshole” in someones circle of friends.

May all the cheese and toppings fall off of your pizza.

May you suddenly become lactose intolerant.

And gluten intolerant.

May you always think of epic comebacks two hours after an argument.

May your water heater suddenly crap out in the middle of winter.

May every table or chair you sit on/at have uneven legs.

May you never find a comfortable sleeping position again.

May you accidentally send a sexy text message to your mom.

May you always wake up two minutes before your alarm goes off.

May your roommate suddenly develop a habit of chewing way too loudly.

May every book or TV series you ever watch get spoiled.

May every selfie you post for the rest of your life get zero likes.

May the barista always give you decaf by accident.

May you always burn your tongue on your hot chocolate so you can’t even taste it.

May a bee fly into your mouth while you’re biking.

May someone always flick a cigarette butt into your can of soda. Even if nobody’s in the room with you.

May all of your favorite videos on youtube get deleted.

May you always end up in the line for the slowest cashier.

I hope that from here to eternity, every time you try to download something, your computer crashes when its at 99%

The moral is, never cheat on me.  And feel free to use any of these in your everyday life.

Now this is the law of the jungle,
as old and as true as the sky.

The wolf that shall keep it may prosper,
but the wolf that shall break it must die.

Like the creeper that girdles the tree trunk,
the law runneth forward and back.

For the strength of the pack is the wolf.

And the strength of the wolf is the pack.

Guys, Slime Rancher is so cute, I can’t even function properly when looking at it. And the sounds they make! Aaah!! It’s so bad that I couldn’t focus until I made this guys. It’s just. So. Cute!!!!

THE DOPE COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shalt only smoke the dopest dope.
2. Seek ye only shards that are fire.
3. Gather your lighters like I have gathered my sheep. The more the merrier. Furthermore, never let your fire runneth out.
4. Twist and twirl your pizzo so you do not burneth your shit.
5. Love thy neighbor but DO NOT loveth the evil souls known as knocks.
6. For the knocks are the sneakiest of snakes and will only try to deceive you and lead you astray.
7. Do not forget to nourish your body with fruits and grains that I have lovingly provided.
8. Thou shalt stay hydrated.
9. Thou shalt rest on the seventh day.
10. My children, I have saved the most important commandment for last, thou shalt always keep a secret personal stash to feast upon.

anonymous asked:

Have you stopped staring at the LA premier kiss and hug yet? It is so beautiful.

There’s been so many wonderful moments this promo.  Honestly, our cups runneth over with wonderful Joshifer love.  I tried to make my Top 5 Joshifer moments.  Here goes:

5. We Take Care of Each Other 2.0

It was just a lovely moment when Josh was looking out for his girl and she knew it was his little way of saying “I Love You.” Poor Josh almost had a heart attack though when he thought a kiss was coming his way.  And Liam just was his usual amused self

4. BBC - Jen Letting Josh Know He’s the Only One for Her

Thank you Olly Murs for your awkward flirting.  It made Jen give extra love to Josh.

3. Kisses All Over His Face

Jen couldn’t contain herself and didn’t want to.  So epically wonderful because it was exuberant and spontaneous and lovely.

2. Hand Holding - Real or Not Real Scene

She reached for his hand and he held it lovingly. It’s a private moment in a public event.  And that they connected so intimately while watching a scene about figuring out what’s real and what is make believe was especially poignant.  It’s been a year of pretending for Josh but it’s what’s real that keeps him sane.

1. Give Me a Kiss 

I love this so much.  First it happens in the same interview where Jen loses her cool because of Josh’s incessant teasing.  And threatens to tell her brothers that Josh left her pregnant!  PREGNANT and LEFT - implying pregnant wouldn’t be enough and that he had something to leave.  Ugh!

So what happens?  Out of the blue Jen asks for a kiss just because she felt bad about her playful yelling and wanted to make sure Josh wasn’t angry and that they were okay.  And he stops mid sentence to give her reassurance.

It’s completely unnecessary and personal and intimate.  

Jennifer and Josh do not act this way with anyone else.  It’s beyond friendship. They can drag Liam into all of their stories but you know that the two of them have a connection that is unlike any other.

I love them.  I hate them.

And here’s your hug and a few more just because you sent an ask and got me going!

GIFs absolutely not mine - thank you lovely creators.  

fever

the pulp pressed— all nectar flows
the aril in fingers— the sun— in my mouth
amidst the manifold comes hazel, &
—arched vowels
i am— blooming to curses
i am— a discord of hallows

the sap runneth— to the ground
savored & yet— somehow spilled
how pitiable it is that we aren’t consumed
how pitiable it is that we cannot fill
he is— the thwarted decanter
he is— the harmonic hollow

will you not look after us? do you not
see how frail we’ve grown?
how my lips— do hunger
how his eyes— do glow—!

amidst the manifold comes hazel;
come choreographed pulses
punctuated ! pomace
in the grove.

anonymous asked:

Remember when we all thought this wasn't going to be a good summer for J2, at least not publicly, but so far it's been TOTALLY EPIC? I mean, the serenading each other at a convention, taking their little girl out for her birthday party... the list goes on. My heart is just so full, we are blessed.

Amen, dear anon!

We’ve been given so much, even though there’s been that side-order of bearding present. But we are following a closeted couple, so we should really know to expect it. Nothing ever comes for free, so wonderful and coupley J2 things are followed (or preceeded) by the price they have to pay for their affectionate behaviour.

But damn it, let’s count our blessings. Literally, if you don’t mind?

This lovely picture from Frida Norrman’s IG story. No regard for personal space, it’s a foreign concept after all.

Travelling to Australia together, bright-eyed and happy.

The super nice things that happened during the AHBL weekend:

And what about the shopping spree? Not only does it look like Jensen acquired (*coughs*received*coughs*) a new ring, but this picture probably made us all a little bit weak in the knees.

Is that all? No, sir.

They also got to hang out with some buddies and we were lucky enough to see their happy faces.

And now we come to the present with that birthday celebration for JJ. Can I just say how irrationally pleased I am that J2 posed with that fan together while D posed with her alone? Who is the real couple, I wonder.

In conclusion, sweet anon, it’s been two weeks of hiatus so far and

my cup runneth over!

Thank you so much for sending me this lovely message! Let’s hope the rest of the hiatus is enjoyable for the J’s and thus for us as well. Have a lovely week!

Memorize a Scripture a Month: March 2017

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Psalm 23
King James Version (KJV)

Enjoying McElroy content can, in fact, affect how you speak. I had this conversation yesterday with my newly empty-nester parents:

mom: I called to ask the neighbors if they actually live there anymore. They said sort of, since they’re taking so many long vacations. So they asked if they might pay the boys to cut the lawn. And I told them I don’t have any boys–one’s in Idaho and one’s in Canada. I told them to get in touch with Doreen.

me: oh yeah, she’s got a lot of boys

dad: she’s got a plethora of boys

me: her cup runneth over with boys

me: she’s got an embarrassment of boys

Why indeed should we carry on and why should we return? Our cup runneth over, and a mute, invincible madness rocks us to sleep. A day comes like this which draws everything to a close; we must then let ourselves sink, like those who swim until exhausted. What do we accomplish?
—  Albert Camus, The Sea Close By