that makes up for their shit guns

anonymous asked:

cause chaos; force them to spread out their forces and split them up. disrupt their communications. keep them from maintaining a coherent front. lethal force isn't necessary; we just need to disrupt them, force them to expend resources, and overreach themselves. weaken them and watch them scatter while the Big Guns do what they have to. we'll make things easier for you guys, we're cheering you on!

Show them we aren’t gonna take shit.
-Anarky

OKAY BUT CONSIDER
  • yuri plisetsky huddled in the corner of the dressing room staring intently at youtube tutorials about ‘how to achieve the perfect smokey eye’
  • yuri plisetsky using the tiny fucking default sponge brush that comes with the eyeshadow palette and dabbing it angrily on his eyelids
  • ‘it’s patchy georgi, why is it patchy’
  • ‘did she just say BLEND georgi did you hear that? what the fuck does that mean’
  • georgi popovich genuinely meaning well and delighted that yuri is coming to him for help but being 10000% straight boy unhelpful over skype
  • ‘what the fuck is a beauty blender’ georgi says
  • there is a lot of distressed setting powder 
  • luckily yuri bought that from the pharmacy for a grand total of 3 euros
  • the eyeshadow palette was buy one get one free
  • ‘he’s going to regret the acne breakout tomorrow’ sara says 
  • mila’s help has been aggressively rejected about 1.5hrs ago so she’s just taken to periodically dropping in and leaning against the doorway with a bowl of popcorn
  • flanked occasionally by victor nikiforov coming in with anxious offerings of $1000 anastasia beverly hills eyeshadow palettes, chanel lip gloss and tips about strobing your highlighting
  • growing increasingly distressed as yuri plisetsky continues to disregard all his advice and refuses to acknowledge the existence of makeup brushes
  • or blending out your eyeshadow
  • ‘no,’ yuuri says the 4th time victor tries to sneak back into the room and confiscates all of victor’s obscenely expensive makeup
  • yuri has a grand total of 3 existential meltdowns
  • ‘why does makeup hate me georgi, why.’
  • ‘we NEED to outshine the stupid katsudon and their lovey dovey shit otabek, finger guns are a necessity’
  • hair UP OR DOWN’
  • otabek just sits behind yuri and patiently picks up all the cleansing wipes that yuri drops in his battle with lip gloss and the eyebrow pencil and places a hand on yuri’s shoulder that makes him settle down and take a deep breath
  • he also remembers to take yuri’s skates 
  • otabek is a good bean
  • yuri flips the stammi vicino couple the bird before he takes to the ice
  • they’re unsurprised and irritatingly supportive
  • ‘remember what coco chanel said about accessories’ victor says weakly
The Time I Took On the Military (And Won)

Considering the staggering amount of votes this one got, here you go!

ok so it’s my sweet sixteen and i took two of my closest friends paintballing. We started off alone with just the three of us. Me and this girl formed a truce so we could take out her brother. He found a building with a roof to shoot from so i was criss crossing and sliding behind shelters.

Long story short with this guy i snuck up behind his building and shot him point blank in the ass while he was climbing a ladder.

Except now his sister is my enemy and a much larger threat.

I criss cross my way back narrowly avoiding being shot. I skid to a stop behind this bush with a really gappy fence and go GOOD ENOUGH BRING IT ON and poke my muzzle through. I cant particularly see but I remembered seeing her in a little chapel window. I aim that general direction and open fire. I immediately hear HIT. When she comes out i see where i hit her. Right between the eyes like I couldnt do that again if I tried. Ill take it.

We’re back at the base ops and these massive dudes come over like “yo wanna join us we need more players” and we’re like “oh ya bud the more the merrier” so we go over and everyone is freaking massive and there’s us three tiny lil teenagers. I over hear they’re a military team and just sigh because i know im dead this is just my luck

Apparently they wanted us so that they could simulate having civilian to protect, who were also armed. (They did a piss poor job of this seriously wtf)

So the game starts and im seperated from my friends. They’re on the opposite team.

Im sticking near the leader and just generally trying not to die. He’s giving me orders as softly and nicely as he can, thinking Im scared. I mean really who wouldnt be?

I wasnt. I was ready to kick butt. When I am silent, be afraid, im planning something.

Next thing i know he’s gone. Shot, running, hiding i dont know and i dont care i gotta move there are way too many heavily armed men in these woods for me to be comfortable

Im trekking through this woodsy area keeping as low as possible because the other team has a freaking sniper and im not dealing with that no thanks im just a tiny teenager leave me alone ok

Im doing my thing and trying to find people to shoot because everyone is mia when i see people ahead.

Not my people.

And they havent seen me yet. Im looking around looking for some decent cover or somewhere to take them by surprise and there is nothing. The entire area is just thistle bushes with massive thorns. And then my idea hits. A wicked, mischievous idea. I grin behind my mask and get ready to lay my trap.

I plop myself down right in the middle of these thistles and army crawl to the path their taking and just lay still.

These guys dont see me.

They’re not expecting someone to be in these bushes cause who is that dumb.

The one dudes boot is an inch from my hand and i spring up and yell SURPRISE before shooting him right in the chest and then the two behind him. Three down, way too many to go. I ran away cackling like a witch

Dont die dont die dont die

I head out again and meet up with some more of my group. They stick me at the back to keep me out of harms way. A valiant, if ineffective effort

Enter enemy attack.

We get split up into two groups to flank them and i end up alone again. I moving slowly, spinning in a slow circled because I am EFFED

I’m a tiny lil sixteen year old girl, all alone, with about 15 guns pointed at me. I was completely surrounded. My comrades who had fled to live and fight another day are now making haste towards me like WHO LEFT THE KID BEHIND HELP HER and im like

hell no i got this

I went absolutely ape shit on their asses.

Shots are flying around me like crazy and everyone is screaming. One of the enemies shouts FALL BACK WHAT THE FU–

I hear one if my partners like HOLY SHIT SHE’S ALIVE

I barrel over one of the attackers and side arm his gun away. I break out from the Circle of Doom and make a mad dash for cover.

I leap into the air and spin to fave them. Im not getting shot in the back I an a WARRIOR

I just start spraying with a battle cry to rattle the heavens

I smack back down to earth and land in a crouch

Every single one of the attackers were shot, usually multiple times, and i didnt get shot once. Frankly no clue how i managed but I am NOT questioning it. Luck or skill I dont care

Eventually it was down to two people. Me and the other teams captain.

He’s a big, scary dude. He had a custom gun that could pop off a frankly alarming amount of shots per second.

The odds arent exactly in my favour.

We find each other right in the middle with trenches and tiny little metal fences for cover. Im walking through like plz dont shoot me i am small be nice

The dude pops up from a trench and starts firing. No mercy here.

Fine then.

I duck behind a fence and it is the most pathetic thing i have ever seen.

I have barely enough room to crouch behind it because it’s so small. The other dude finds a nice big trench and big fence the lucky lil jerk.

So we’re poppin up like weasels trying to get a shot in. I cant hit him, he cant hit me. Up and down and up and down. My fence angles down ever so slightly so im tucked in as tightly as I could. My fence is rattling as shot after shot after shot hits. The shots stop, i poke my muzzle over the edge amd lay down some fire.

And the cycle repeats

I get tired of this little exchange so the next time he goes down i lay on some cover fire and sprint like hell for a near by trench like i am just bookin it thinking dont shoot me dont shoot me imma kill you

i slide in and pop up just as he rises to take a shot. Except im not where he thought id be.

I shot him right in the side of his bald lil head.

So i won. My team legit carried me on their shoulders back to base ops

And that’s the time I, a sixteen year old girl, beat a team of militarily trained behemoths

imagine just being w ur friends n ur all chilling n everything is cool n then one of them is randomly like ‘hey guys who wants to help my lil bro smuggle a dragon out of this huge heavily guarded castle?’ n everyone is all ‘wtf charlie’ but u already know ur going. ur going to the fucking castle to pick up the fucking dragon bc charlie weasley’s little brother got himself in some shit. u just wanted a quiet friday night but no, now ur flying halfway across europe in the middle of the night to do something which is very likely illegal and most certainly a bad move, all bc u decided making friends w the timid-looking red headed weasley kid would be a good idea. wtf charlie. wtf.

Pre-Kerberos! Matt HC

[Pre-Kerberos! Matt]

★ Matt is the whitest of the whites, he eats one hot chip and it’s game over.

★ He’s allergic to pickles

★ He got Katie into aliens and cryptids

  • He doesn’t regret it                                                                             

★ Him and Shiro were friends, even before the Garrison.

★ He’s a little shit, the Garrison teachers expected him to be the perfect student since he was Sam and Colleen’s son.

  • They were wrong, he started a black market and wasn’t found out until it was too late. He made more than $500 bucks cash.

★ Whenever he was called into the office to talk about his future he just answered with “Kick ass, go to space, represent the human race.”

The cost of losing a bet with him was high

  • Once a kid had to go up to Iverson and ask if he was a furry and if his boyfriend was bigfoot.
  • They were required to help Iverson for the rest of the year during their free hour.

★ Anytime anyone asked if him and Shiro were dating, he did finger guns and awkwardly backed away.

★ Has been the cause of the science lab blowing up at least 5 times.

  • Shiro was apart of three of them.

★ Puns were his shit no one could escape

  • Shiro does this make us…..Kerbros?”
  • “If it weren’t for the laws of this land, I would’ve slaughtered you, Matt.”

★ Would fight you if you said Pluto wasn’t a planet

★ Is the most oblivious of people, two kids had a crush on him at the same time and he never noticed

  • But he can somehow notice when people have crushes on each other??

★ He met Neil Degrasse Tyson once and cried

★ Katie and him show their love by roasting each other on the daily

★ “I know you love those peas, Dad.” was only the tip of the Yikesburg™ .

★ He dyed Shiro’s hair once

  • It went as well as expected
  • It was neon blue

★ He smuggled Pidge into the Garrison once with the help of Shiro

  • Keith found them dragging her through the window
  • He just stared silently and walked away

★ He can do a perfect Yoda impression

  • Katie sadly found out when she on the verge of sleep at 3am

★ Subs always liked him for some reason, no one really knew how or why though.

★ He could name all 206 bones in the human body, and he taught Keith how to break every one of them

★ Katie popped out the lens in his back-up prescription glasses

  • He cried

★ He can quote back to the future word for word

★ “What are you gonna do punch me???”

  • The kid decked him
  • He broke their leg

★ He threatened to sell Katie to the Garrison for a pizza

  • A guy’s gotta do what they gotta do to get some decent food

★ “How’d you do in your flight test, Matt?” “Oh, I nearly killed Shiro. it’s chill though.”

★ He cries whenever he sees dogs since the Garrison is in the middle of nowhere

  • He once cried for more dog deaths in three school days than his entire life

★ “Hey Matt, high-five the stars for me okay?” “Of course, Katie.”

  • She hasn’t found out if he did or not.

★ It was his idea to name their dog Gunther

  • “What the fuck, Matt” “It haS CHARACTER KATIE”

★ Him and his mom are kickass together.

  • Everyone is low-key terrified of them

★ He crashed his bike into a tree once

  • “Lol you guys will never guess what happened”
  • “What”
  • “My bone is no longer in my leg”

★ “Do you think Iverson and—” “I’m gonna stop you right there.”

★ He hacked the speakers in the Garrison to play Bill Nye the Science Guy when someone said he wasn’t a real scientist

★ Believes in the multiverse theory and soulmates

  • Maybe in some other universe him and Shiro are happy

★ He’s pan and poly, fight me   

  • Katie got him a shirt that read “Pans for Bigfoot”    
  • He wore it everywhere

★ He finished the office in a week and stares at a security camera whenever something stupid happens

★ Someone confessed to him once and he panicked and said “Thank you”

★ Matt is actually a super good crossdresser???

  • Shiro and Keith are surprised???
  • Katie had to get it from somewhere y’all

★ Lowkey likes to make fun of Keith for being Texan

  • “Y’all’d’ve done good if y’all had listened to me.”
  •  “I hate living because of you, Matt.”

★ Bill Nye the Science Guy is his dad and you can’t tell him otherwise.

  • He’ll fight you if you say he isn’t a real Scientist

★ MATT REALLY LIKES AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER, LIKE I HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN IT BUT I KNOW HE DOES.

★ Him and Katie learned Latin for kicks

★ Speaks fluent meme

★ **Drops one piece of candy on his room floor** “,,,,,,,,” **Kneels down to look for it**

★ 10/10 doesn’t know how to handle any crushes he has

  • He realized he had a crush on Shiro with the “help” of Katie and Keith
  • He tried to eat an entire jar of pickles afterwards

★ “Matt, you have a crush on my brother, admit it” “New glasses, who dis?”

★ “Shiro, when I was your age,,,,,,” “One day, you’re just not going to wake up.”

★ He somehow convinced Shiro to dress up as Watson while he was Sherlock

★ Hamilton’s number 1 fan

★ He spits out facts at random

  • “Y’know Alexander Hamilton spelt Philadelphia wrong in our Constitution?” 
  • Katie, who has been running on 3 hours of sleep: please shut tf up

★ “You’re a little shit Matt” “Atleast I don’t quote Fairy Tail any chance i get”

★ Matt: THIS BITCH EMPTY 
★ Katie, grabbing his backpack full of assignments from the Garrison: Y E E T

★ He hates coffee but will drink 5 cans of soda in an hour

★ “YOOOOO I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY WANT” “SO TELL ME WANT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT” “I WANNA–”

  • Sam Holt voice: Please,,,,just go to sleep”

★ He’s a Gryffindor

★ Someone bet him that he couldn’t eat 2 of the new Grand Macs

  • He ate 4, Katie ate 5
  • Everyone was impressed and low-key terrified

★ Shiro: bro take off your glasses
★ Matt: bro everything’s a blur
★ Shiro: that’s my life without you
 Matt, tearfully: Bro… 

Iverson: any questions?
Matt: Yeah, first of all, how dare you?

★ “Would you slap Katie for $2,000?” “I’d break both of Katie’s arms and my own leg for a small fry from McDonald's”

★ Shiro gave him one of his sweaters when it was cold out once

  • Shiro hasn’t seen it since

★ He had an emo phase that lasted 2 months before he got tired of the eyeliner

  • Katie likes to bring it up at the worst times

He’s covered in bandaids 90% of the time

  • Most times it’s because he and Katie were fucking around while building smth

★ “The amount of uses for a dead horse is infinite” “Matt, honestly, just go to church”

★ His mind is just a constant loop of that scene in VeggieTales where the realized they didn’t have hands and just sadly looked at each other

★ “KATIE POKEMON PIDGEOTTO HOLT

★ Mashed potatoes can and should fuck him up

★ Learned to play the kazoo for meme opportunity

★ Once burnt off one of his eyebrows from boiling water

★ Him and Katie do the handshake thing from Zack and Cody

★ Whenever someone asks to see a picture of Katie, he just pulls out a picture of Pidgey from Pokémon

  • Matt: Isn’t she pretty?

★ He beat every island in poptropica

★ He can make really nice flower crowns nobody has questioned it

★ He talks with his hands a lot

  • He’s hit Keith in the face more than once because of it

★ You know when it snowed in Egypt for the first time in years and that guy had that giant ass snowball and was gonna fucking dunk it on his friend?

  • That’s Matt

★ He can dance?? Where did he learn it? Nobody knows

★ “Keith I came as soon as i heard! I can’t believe it I knew you two were close”
★“Wtf are you talking about?”
★“Punk is dead, Keith”

★ When the rumour that MCR was coming back you bet your ass Matt was ready to blast every song whenever he saw Keith

★ “I’m Matt, the radar technician”

★ He recreated BB-8 from Star Wars: The Force Awakens and cried

★ “Bitch, I am a gift of God, square up”

  • Get it? Because Matthew means gift of God??

★ He can solve a rubix cube behind his back in under 35 seconds

★ If he laughs hard enough he’ll start snorting

  • 50% of the time he won’t notice because he’s too busy laughing
  • The other 50% he’ll stop and frown in disgust at his own snort

★ He found out Shiro poured his milk in before the cereal and kicked him out their dorm

Matt: Hey, Shiro, want to stay for dinner?
Colleen: Do you want to stay forever?

★ Iverson lowkey reminds him of Snape, so by default he just doesn’t like him

★ “Work, work!” “Matthew!”
    “Work, work!” “Katherine!”
    “,,,,,and Keith”
    “The conspiracy theorists!”

★ Unlike his sister, he likes to garden and starts one in their backyard with their mom

★ Matt would totally force Shiro to cosplay Team Rocket for Halloween with Pidge being Meowth and Keith being an edgier version of Ash Ketchum

  • Shiro as Jessie and Matt as James of course

★ He owns every pokemon game in existence

  • Pokemon Snap was his shit when he was like 7
  • He 360 noscoped the Pokemon with apples

★ Has read all of the Harry Potter books three times

★ He tried to teach Shiro how to dance

  • They never finished though because neither of them could take the sexual tension

★ He was more into the galaxies and multiple universes part of space, while Katie was excited for the tech advances 

  • They were both 100% ready for aliens though

★ Shiro told him he couldn’t create the Marauders Map, so he did out of spite

★ Talked in nothing but Shakespeare for a day to piss off Katie

★ He loved ducktales

  • Too bad he can’t see the reboot

★ Barbie and the 12 dancing princesses was his shit

★ When Katie was born, he brought a potato with him when he went to the hospital to compare the two

★ He always wore sweaters that didn’t quite fit him, so he could have Sweater Paws

★ There was a supposed ‘haunted’ house on his street, so him Katie and the Broganes all snuck out to investigate

  • A window broke while they were in there
  • Keith shapeshifted into Sonic and bolted, Katie started hysterically crying and laughing at the same time as she ran, and Matt jumped into Shiro’s arm and Shiro fuckin’ booked it
  • They all agreed not to talk about it

★ Once in gym, a ball was about to hit someone in the face but instead of yelling “duck!” he yelled “dICK”

  • To this day no one has let him live it down

★ Uses an absurd amount of emoticons when texting

★ 10/10 would meme again

★ Used the word “Yo” too many times to count

★ Tried to bury Katie underneath a bunch of snow when she was 10

★ He can’t swim

★ He’s cried during nearly every Disney and Pixar movie


[Read Part Two// Post-Kerberos! Matt HC here!]

anonymous asked:

I dare you to tell another story from the apartment

ALRIGHT BOYS GIRLS AND EVERYONE WHO THINKS THE GENDER BINARY IS FOR SQUARES IT’S STORY TIME.

Today, we’re going to talk about the time Paul’s desire for superior firepower turned into a mini arms race that ended with me setting Eric on fire with a homemade flamethrower.

No, Matt Boomer, you sexy motherfucker, I am not kidding you. Let’s begin with some details.

So when I was at the University of Iowa, several people, including myself, bought Nerf guns for impromptu battles in the hallways when we had free time. Mostly this was all good, clean fun, except for two of the guys down the hall, my roommate, and I.

We all thought, rightfully so, that factory built Nerf guns are bullshit. They’re weak, darts are too fucking light, the barrels cause too much friction, which makes them inaccurate and slow, and you have to re-cock them after each shot. That’s some fucking bullshit right there. So we fixed it.

We bought new, higher tensile springs. We bought PVC pipe and lubricant. We put BBs in the tips of our darts, and my roommate and even put in a second spring to automatically cock the gun, essentially turning them from bolt action pieces of shit into semi-automatic friendship-ruiners.

So when I moved back to Chicago, and into the apartment, I obviously brought my Nerf guns (my roommate gave me his when we moved out), and I obviously attacked my roommates the first opportunity I had. OBVIOUSLY this led to everyone buying Nerf guns and modifying the shit out of them.

However, some of us were terrible shots, so certain measures had to be taken to make it possible for them to keep up. Brad practiced in his room every day, Josh built an extended clip for his gun, and Kyle bought the fucking Vulcan and built a 600 dart belt for it because he decided aiming is for people who can’t fire 6 darts a second (he modded it for doubled firing speed using a small car battery and replaced mechanics).

And then there was Paul.

Paul was fucking terrible. Like almost so bad it couldn’t be for real. He once tried to ambush me coming around a corner from 2 feet away and missed by a good 6-7 inches. He literally could have slapped me and he missed. Whatever moving on.

So Paul decides to solve his aim problems in the most Paul way possible: online shopping. He bought 500 foam pellets for a marshmallow gun, two dozen foam discs, and a motherfucking t-shirt cannon.

You see, Paul, much like Kyle, decided aiming was for lames. So he would pour foam pellets into the cannon until it was half full, slip in a disc to keep them from falling out, then shotgun people in the face. I was his first victim and boy let me tell you that shit is terrifying.

So Paul became the big dog in the house during Nerf battles, and the rest of us found ourselves unable to compete. So we all escalated in our own insane ways. Eric and I, the former champions, modified our guns to fire faster, Brad added an extended magazine to his gun, Kyle built a harness so that he could shoot his fucking stupid fucking bullet-storm piece of shit while moving. Josh booby-trapped various parts of our apartment. Suddenly, we were all better than Paul again, so he decided to step his game up.

He started making paper cartridges that would explode open once fired. Suddenly, he could actually fire multiple times a minute, which meant once again, he was at the top. It didn’t help that our reluctance to shoot back out of fear of getting shot was allowing him to take his time, therefore drastically improving his aim.

So we stepped up again. I smooth out the cocking mechanism on my guns, improving my firing speed even faster. Eric adds more weight to his darts, making them heavier and faster and much more painful. Kyle buys a bigger battery, newer parts, and he perfects his belts, which increases his firing speed to 12 darts a second.

So Paul steps up to take advantage of his improved aim and buys something called a Pucker Chucker which basically is a t-shirt cannon except it shoots foam pucks. This means we can’t just shoot at him from the other side of the apartment anymore, so we all step up again. I modify the rail on top to make aiming easier, Eric modifies his grip to make it more comfortable, Kyle and brad modify their barrels to make them more accurate, and Josh jumps on board the crazy train and builds a goddamn under barrel cherry bomb launcher.

And this is where shit starts to spiral out of control.

Brad starts making smoke grenades, Kyle solves his weakness against close quarters combat by using his battery to create a cattle prod to keep people back. Eric breaks the head off an old golf club to use the shaft as a weapon, I put pins in the tips of all of my darts, and Paul realizes that the Pucker Chucker can also shoot real hockey pucks after he steals my bucket of pucks from my room.

So it escalated a couple more steps but I’m going to leave them out partially out of a desire to keep moving forward and partially out of shame anywhoozle when we pull out our final contraptions and modifications that day we shifted from light-hearted fun that was a bit too far to literally combat. Josh had a sword. I don’t know where he got it from.

That battle was terrifying. Our normal fights were like an hour, two hours tops, then we would clean up, get together in the living room with some beers, and laugh about what happened. Honestly we should have known this was going to happen because when we did this after our previous fight, the laughter was less “haha remember when I shot Josh in the butthole? Classic.” and more “haha remember when I missed your face with that puck? Next time I won’t miss.

So we somehow get into a battle again and this time things go south quickly which is bound to happen when you have a dude in a speedo swinging a sword around while rolling fireworks down the hall. It was literally chaos. There were fireworks and homemade smoke grenades and Kyle made the electrical current in his cattle prod too strong and it was too close to the muzzle of his Vulcan so every few seconds you would just see a flaming dart wiz past and I built a fucking flamethrower and I don’t know what the fuck is going on so I’m just firing it in the general direction of Josh to keep him the fuck away. At some point Brad barricades himself in his room, and so we all run back to our rooms and hide.

We do this for three days. THREE DAYS. I missed classes. We all had junk food in our rooms, and private bathrooms, so that’s what we sustained ourselves on for three fucking days. I, however, try to eat healthy, so I ran out of food almost immediately. After not eating for a day and a half, with food literally less than 50 feet from where I was hiding, I decided that I was willing to risk a trip to the kitchen.

So here’s something important about our apartment: I was the only one who knew how to cook. I had tried to teach the others, but all that had accomplished was several kitchen fires. This meant when Eric also ran out of food, he knew the only way to get a meal was to make peace with me. So he had snuck down the hall to my door, intent on asking me for help.

I did not know he was there.

So when I opened the door and saw a crouching figure in the shadows nearby, I assumed, I think justifiably, that it was the guy who had been swinging a sword at all of us the last time I saw him. So I pulled the trigger on my homemade flamethrower, only to see Eric’s horrified face illuminated by the flames for a split second before they hit his torso.

Luckily, I was using a scavenged fuel source (computer screen cleaner), so the flames were weak, but still fire is fire and fire fucking hurts. So Eric is rolling on the floor with first degree burns on his stomach and chest, and I’m freaking out because Eric is my friend and I just set him on fire, so there is now a lot of screaming coming from the hall.

Now, to lighten the mood slightly, here’s a personality test. You hear the sounds of fire, followed shortly by screaming coming from the hall outside your room. What do you do?

Do you assume the crazy sword guy has finally snapped and is going to kill you all, so you climb out the window onto the fire escape? Congratulations, you’re Brad.

Do you hear the cries of pain and grab a first aid kit before sprinting into the hall to help? Hey! You’re Kyle!

Do you hear the flames so you sprint into the kitchen to grab the fire extinguisher? You are Paul.

Do you come out into the hall to see what’s going on but also bring your sword just in case you have to stab someone? You are Josh and also mentally unstable please put your sword away.

So Kyle comes out and he and I start administering first aid and luckily through a combination of the weakness of my fuel source, how quickly I stopped the flames, and the quickness of our treatments, Eric only gets some first degree burns on his torso. Paul puts out the last of the flames, Josh decides he doesn’t want to stab anyone today, and Brad decides that the lack of screaming is a good thing and he comes inside. I spend the next hour apologizing profusely while cooking everyone dinner, and we decide that hey we should probably have some rules for our Nerf fights to prevent this from ever happening again.

So we all eat, we establish rules about modifications and ammunition, and at the end of it all, we grab some beers, head into the living room, and tell Josh he needs to get rid of the sword seriously dude where did you get that from?

If Attack on Titan was in the style of “The Office”

Eren: *gets to work two hours before everyone else*

“HAHA those cowards. If they were real soldiers then they would be here early like me!” 

*falls asleep*

*wakes up as everyone is going home and realizes he slept through the entire work day* 

“DAMMIT!” 

*explains to Mikasa and Armin that it was the fault of the titans” 

Mikasa: *glares angrily at Eren flirting with Levi*

“There’s no one here that I hate. However, if a certain individual in the survey corps were to suddenly catch fire and I was the only one who had a bucket of water…I’d drink the water.” 

*smiles evilly at Levi* 

Armin: *chaos erupting behind him*

“In my opinion, do I think I am smarter than everyone else?”

 *turns around to see everyone being dumb and building on fire*

“I would say it’s more of a fact.”

Jean: *staring at Marco* 

“Who do I think is the hottest in the trainee corps?”

 *shot of Marco doing something so unbelievably adorable and Jean blushing* 

“Yeah…I’d have to say me.” 

Marco: *smiling into the camera looking all cute*

“I know I said I’d wait till marriage but Jean told me that God can’t see in the dark.”

 *blushes*

Reiner: *looking at Connie doing something stupid*

“Connie is the Survey Corps idiot. No one really knows how he is still alive.”

Bert: *looks anxiously into the camera*

“So umm….do you guys like….always record us…..even when we are having private conversations?” 

*shot of Bert and Reiner and Annie talking about being Titans* 

“Because ummm…..if you do…..that’s not cool bro.” 

Annie: *rolling her eyes*

“Look I’m here for two reasons and two reasons only. One, to get me a piece of that blonde booty over there 

*shot of Armin holding back Eren from punching Jean* 

and two, to murder everyone in their sleep.”

Sasha: *looking blankly into the camera and smiling*

“Every once in a while they make me murder a giant naked person. At first I was opposed to it but then I started noticing that every time I kill one they feed me. So here I am.”

Connie: *wearing a pink toupee* 

“Reiner said pink really brings out my eyes” 

*Reiner laughing his ass off in the back* 

“I think he’s right cause everyone in the trainee corps won’t stop staring at me.”

*everyone in the back rolling on the floor crying of laughter* 

Erwin: *on the topic of Levi*

“I’m not really sure what Levi does around here. He kind of just showed up and started killing Titans. I remember that day very clearly because my eyebrows were the fleekiest they have ever been. Did I say that right? Fleekiest? Fleeky? Fleek? I’m not sure, I heard a child say it once so I thought I’d sprinkle it into my vocabulary to make me sound hipper.” 

Levi: *sleeping in a chair* *talking in his sleep*

“Yeah……oh yeah….you’re so dirty. You’re a dirty little cabinet aren’t you?” 

*wakes up and sees camera* 

“Do you really have to record me while I sleep? Don’t you guys ever have to take a shit?” 

Hanji: *takes off her glasses* 

“Oh these things? They’re fake. I wear them to make myself look smarter. They actually impair my vision quite severely. But you have to pick and choose your battles, am I right?” 

*points finger guns at camera and winks* 

Moblit: *Hanji causes a science experiment to explode causing Moblit to lose his eyebrows*

“Honestly, at this point, I’m not even mad at her. I’m just mad at myself.”

Squad Levi: *Gunther, Eld, and Oluo wrapping each other in scotch tape* *Petra shaking her head in disapproval*

Petra- “I used to partake in their shenanigans until one day I realized I wasn’t 6 years old.” 


(I wish I could draw these but I cannot draw) *cries* 

They made him kill his horse.

(long story. TL;DR at the end)

This is a story that my grandfather liked to tell. It’s kind of long, and I can’t say if it’s true, but it seems to fit the very old and cantankerous guy I knew, who never, ever let a grudge go. I mean, in the 1980s and 90s, he would sometimes go and yell at Democratic candidates for office, because Woodrow Wilson had made him fight in WW1.

The story actually starts with that, kind of. You see, Grampa immigrated to the US early enough that the first election he could vote in, he voted for Teddy Roosevelt. Wilson won, though, and then he ran for reelection under the slogan “He Kept Us Out of the War.” Which seemed like a good platform, so my grandfather voted for Wilson. Few months after that, he got us into the war, and a few months after that, my grandfather was in the trenches somewhere in France.

Keep reading

Out Cold

Prompt: Prompt if its alright-Lance with narcolepsy?- anon

I had so much fun writing this, so thanks so much for the prompt! This is a one-shot, and even though the ask didn’t specifically ask for klance… it ended up in here because, as I’ve said before, I have no self control. It took a bit of an unexpected turn, but hopefully the anon likes it? And other people do? As always, feedback is appreciated!

oh and @taylor-tut if you want to read it, of course


Lance’s entire life was full to the brim with close calls.

Granted, fighting a war against a corrupt alien empire will have its share of near-death experiences. But, oddly enough, another type of close call worried him more.

Lance didn’t particularly want to die if he could avoid it, but he’d honestly prefer that to his teammates finding out.

And he knew there was a chance they wouldn’t judge him for it, wouldn’t think it made him less of a paladin. After all, Hunk didn’t care in the slightest. But there was always the chance that they would.

Lance had always prided himself on being able to hide things. And it was even easier to hide things from the team than his enormous, nosy family. 

His ideas, insecurities, homesickness, bisexuality… he’d learned to bury these things deep down inside himself and try to ignore them.

Keep reading

Dance With The Devil
Immortal Technique
Dance With The Devil

warning: this song is pretty graphic

to fully understand the story of the song

read the lyrics below while you listen

I once knew a nigga whose real name was William
His primary concern, was making a million
Being the illest hustler, that the world ever seen
He used to fuck movie stars and sniff coke in his dreams
A corrupted young mind, at the age of thirteen
Nigga never had a father and his mom was a fiend
She put the pipe down, but for every year she was sober
Her son’s heart simultaneously grew colder
He started hanging out, selling bags in the projects
Checking the young chicks, looking for hit-and-run prospects
He was fascinated by material objects
But he understood money never bought respect
He built a reputation ‘cause he could hustle and steal
But got locked once and didn’t hesitate to squeal
So criminals he chilled with didn’t think he was real
You see, me and niggas like this have never been equal
I don’t project my insecurities on other people
He fiended for props like addicts with pipes and needles
So he felt he had to prove to everyone he was evil
A feeble-minded young man with infinite potential
The product of a ghetto-bred capitalistic mental
Coincidentally dropped out of school to sell weed
Dancing with the devil, smoked until his eyes would bleed
But he was sick of selling trees and gave in to his greed

Everyone trying to be trife never face the consequences
You probably only did a month for minor offences
Ask a nigga doing life if he had another chance
But then again there’s always the wicked that knew in advance
Dance forever with the devil on a cold cell block
But that’s what happens when you rape, murder and sell rock
Devils used to be gods angels that fell from the top
There’s no diversity because we’re burning in the melting pot

So Billy started robbing niggas, anything he could do
To get his respect back, in the eyes of his crew
Starting fights over little shit, up on the block
Stepped up to selling mothers and brothers the crack rock
Working overtime for making money for the crack spot
Hit the jackpot and wanted to move up to cocaine
fulfilling the Scarface fantasy stuck in his brain
Tired of the block niggas treating him the same
He wanted to be major like the cut-throats and the thugs
But when he tried to step to 'em, niggas showed him no love
They told him any motherfucking coward can sell drugs
Any bitch nigga with a gun can bust slugs
Any nigga with a red shirt can front like a blood
Even Puffy smoked a motherfucker up in a club
But only a real thug can stab someone till they die
Standing in front of them, staring straight into their eyes
Billy realized that these men were well-guarded
And they wanted to test him before business started
Suggested raping a bitch to prove he was cold-hearted
So now he had a choice between going back to his life
Or making money with made men, up in the cife
His dreams about cars and ice made him agree
A hardcore nigga is all he ever wanted to be
And so he met them Friday night at a quarter to three

Everyone trying to be trife never face the consequences
You probably only did a month for minor offences
Ask a nigga doing life if he had another chance
But then again there’s always the wicked that knew in advance
Dance forever with the devil on a cold cell block
But that’s what happens when you rape, murder and sell rock
Devils used to be gods angels that fell from the top
There’s no diversity because we’re burning in the melting pot

They drove around the projects slow while it was raining
Smoking blunts, drinking and joking for entertainment
Until they saw a woman on the street walking alone
Three in the morning, coming back from work, on her way home
And so they quietly got out the car and followed her
Walking through the projects, the darkness swallowed her
They wrapped her shirt around her head and knocked her onto the floor
“This is it kid, now you got your chance to be raw.”
So Billy yoked her up and grabbed the chick by the hair
And dragged her into a lobby that had nobody there
She struggled hard but they forced her to go up the stairs
They got to the roof and then held her down on the ground
Screaming, “Shut the fuck up and stop moving around!”
The shirt covered her face, but she screamed and clawed
So Billy stomped on the bitch, 'til he broken her jaw
Them dirty bastards knew exactly what they were doing
They kicked her until they cracked her ribs and she stopped moving
Blood leaking through the cloth, she cried silently
And then they all proceeded to rape her violently
Billy was made to go first, but each of them took a turn
Ripping her up, and choking her until her throat burned
Her broken jaw mumbled for God but they weren’t concerned
When they were done and she was lying bloody, broken and bruised
One of them niggas pulled out a brand new twenty-two
They told him that she was a witness for what she’d gone through
And if he killed her he was guaranteed a spot in the crew
He thought about it for a minute, she was practically dead
And so he leaned over and put the gun right to her head

I’m falling and I can’t turn back
I’m falling and I can’t turn back

Right before he pulled the trigger, and ended her life
He thought about the cocaine with the platinum and ice
And he felt strong standing along with his new brothers
Cocked the gat to her head, and pulled back the shirt cover
But what he saw made him start to cringe and stutter
'Cause he was staring into the eyes of his own mother
She looked back at him and cried, 'cause he had forsaken her
She cried more painfully, than when they were raping her
His whole world stopped, he couldn’t even contemplate
His corruption had successfully changed his fate
And he remembered how his mom used to come home late
Working hard for nothing, 'cause now what was he worth
He turned away from the woman that had once given him birth
And crying out to the sky 'cause he was lonely and scared
But only the devil responded, 'cause god wasn’t there
And right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold
And so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul
They say death takes you to a better place but I doubt it
After that they killed his mother, and never spoke about it
And listen 'cause the story that I’m telling is true
'Cause I was there with Billy Jacobs and I raped his mom too
And now the devil follows me everywhere that I go
In fact, I’m sure he’s standing among one of you at my shows
And every street cypher listening to little thugs flow
He could be standing right next to you, and you wouldn’t know
The devil grows inside the hearts of the selfish and wicked
White, brown, yellow and black color is not restricted
You have a self-destructive destiny when you’re inflicted
And you’ll be one of god’s children that fell from the top
There’s no diversity because we’re burning in the melting pot
So when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never
Because a dance with the devil might last you forever

High for This

High for This by evansrogerskitten

Dean x Reader x Sam, John x Reader

A witch’s curse hexes the three Winchester men and reader, leading to a night of desire that would change things forever.

Warnings: Explicit, Smut, Voyeurism, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Threesome (NO Wincest), Fingering, Language, Dom!John, discussion of being high, dirty talk, orgasm denial, squirting, spanking, mention of a panic attack, Feels, A lil fluff, lack of protection, canon divergence. To be clear- the characters have all consented to all sexual acts in this story. 

Word Count: 8408 | On AO3 | This is inspired by the song High for This by The Weeknd, and my first song for @mrs-squirrel-chester Album Fanficfion Challenge. 

This fic had a mind of its own but I love it. I hope you do too :)


The Impala rolled into a parking space on the street and Sam killed the engine. I straightened the sleeves of my navy fed suit, and looked over at him.

“You really think she’s going to know anything?” Sam pestered, looking through the window.

“Witnesses said two of the victims had been here to see her for readings.” I responded, climbing out of the car. I patted my jacket pocket to make sure I still had my fake FBI badge. “She does readings on love and relationships.”

Sam rolled his eyes as we walked up the sidewalk to the old house.

“What if she’s really psychic then? She’ll know we’re hunters.” Sam suggested sarcastically as he looked over his shoulder to the street.

“Then we’ll improvise. It’ll be fine, Sam.” I responded, looking around the front porch. A bright Psychic Reader sign lit up the front window.

Keep reading

Hamilton things (Act 1)
  • those chills you get when they say “and Alex got better but his mother went quick” 
  • the genius that is “Aaron Burr, Sir”
  • lafayette aka the love of my life
  • lafayette’s verse in my shot. Like damn.
  • "I heard your mother say come again”
  • “if you stand for nothing burr, what’ll you fall for?“
  • "I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”
  • "ah, so you’ve discussed me? I’m a trust fund baby you can trust me.“
  • eliza??? Just??? The love of my life??
  • "it’s hard to listen to you with a straight face” in farmer refuted.
  • Jonathan Groff in general in this entire damn play because I adore that goof and will protect him with my life.
  • The end of “right hand man”, right at the climax of the song. Pure genius, honestly.
  • “We’re reliable with the ladies. THERE ARE SO MANY TO DEFLOWER”
  • “Is it a question of if, Burr, or which one?”
  • “As long as i’m alive Eliza, I swear to god you’ll never feel so-,” his voice?? when he says this?? my sexuality.
  • Satisfied. Just. Ugh. Angelica Schuyler is the reason I live and breathe. 
  • “The Story Of Tonight Reprise” Because honestly its so funny like the “oh shit” alexander says. iconic.
  • love/death/life doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints
  • that “chicka blah” noise that multiple characters make in multiple songs. hamilton does it in stay alive.
  • “I’M A GENERAL WHEEEE”
  • hamilton and laurens being total otp, honestly.
  • “Ten Duel Commandments” in general but more specifically “pray that hell or heaven lets you in”
  • “call me son one more time”
  • everything Lafayette in “Guns and Ships” 
  • did i mention Lafayette???
  • “Immigrants, we get the job done” just. ugh. i love.
  • “when you knock me down I get the fuck back up again” and all of that instrumental shit afterwards because it’s honestly what I live for.
  • that cheeky “awesome, wow” in what comes next
  • Dear Theodosia was literally written about Lin’s dog because he wrote it before children were even in the picture and I think that’s honestly the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard.
  • “and i thought i was so smart” 
  • the way he says “i was chosen for the constitutional convention” in non-stop
  • those chills when they say “HAMILTON WROTE THE OTHER FIFTY-ONE”

✧ ( SHAMELESS SENTENCE STARTERS.

warning: triggers apply. adult language, sexual themes, violence, offensive subjects, offensive behaviors. please read & reblog with caution.

❛ And what exactly does “hooked up” mean? ❜
❛ It’s like a car wreck… you can’t not watch. ❜
❛ What’s that smell? It’s either vomit or fancy cheese. ❜
❛ There is no God. We’re all gonna die. ❜
❛ The hell? You’re supposed to negotiate! ❜
❛ If you’re looking for money, I don’t have any yet.  ❜
❛ How do you feel about metal splinters to the eye? ❜
❛ Are you up-to-date on your rabies shots? ❜
❛ I don’t like that you’re getting hurt on purpose to make money. ❜
❛ You’re kidding me? You’re actually serious about this shit? ❜
❛ You’re kinda growing on me. ❜
❛ Wanna see how fast I can unhook your bra? ❜
❛ You make my life a living hell and I want you out of here now. ❜
❛ Half of the world has penises, why do people get so upset about seeing them? ❜
❛ You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me. ❜
❛ I think I’m depressed. I’ve been feeling kind of funky lately. ❜
❛ I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be. ❜
❛ Wouldn’t be the first time somebody’s disappointed me. ❜
❛ I don’t mean to be an asshole. It’s just… genetic. ❜
❛ Fuck you is what you were invited to. ❜
❛ I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of pussy you’d be in juvie. ❜
❛ I want normal people problems. Like, am I getting enough fiber? ❜
❛ Hey, I think I just insulted myself. ❜
❛ Hey! What the fuck man! He’s/she’s dead! ❜
❛ Oh, could you be a little more vague? ❜
❛ You came all the way down here to talk about my pubes? ❜
❛ How the fuck do you not have a gun? ❜
❛ Sure you’re ready to pop your armed robbery cherry? ❜
❛ You should have seen your face. ❜
❛ You don’t know who you messed with, bitch. ❜
❛ You fuck with the bull, you get an ass full of horns! ❜
❛ I’m not used to having people yell at me all day long. ❜
❛ I have this friend. I think you two might really hit it off. ❜
❛ I’ve seen you put out after the first drink. ❜
❛ You know, I’d hug you but neither of us would like that. ❜
❛ I don’t get why just don’t use her/his face for target practice. ❜
❛ I want a fucking lawyer motherfucker! ❜
❛ You’re covering your own ass and you know it. ❜
❛ You know I used a condom. ❜
❛ Do you know where I can buy a gun? ❜
❛ You think you scare me? Bring it, bitch! ❜
❛ I’m starting to get fucking homicidal. ❜
❛ I will make this kitchen my bitch. ❜
❛ They’re having a party for kids across the street. No booze. ❜
❛ A shrink at school says I’m one of God’s mistakes. ❜
❛ I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is fuck you! ❜
❛ Did the two of us finish an entire gallon of box wine the other night? ❜
❛ I can’t handle anything up my ass without alcohol! ❜
❛ I’d be crying right now if I wasn’t so high. ❜
❛ I’m not my dad. You hear me? I’m not my fucking dad! ❜
❛ I would never do half the shit that you’ve done to us. Why are you even here? ❜
❛ Even the homeless get better stuff than us. ❜
❛ I am just as likely as anyone of this family to make something of myself. ❜
❛ You want to get shit faced in the middle of the day.  ❜
❛ You have no money yet you’re going into a grocery store. Interesting. ❜
❛ Let’s go get drunk and buy a gun. ❜
❛ It’s a shame when someone you love gets taken away, isn’t it? ❜
❛ If this is a relationship you wanna save, then you gotta fucking save it. ❜
❛ Off to deal drugs on a Saturday morning? ❜
❛ I’m probably biased, you deserve better than him. ❜
❛ If you don’t get out right now, I will shoot you. ❜
❛ Still don’t want your family to know? ❜
❛ Did I mention that I’m falling in love with you? ❜
❛ You can’t feel a persons headache by touching his head. ❜
❛ Are you robbing me with my own fucking gun? ❜
❛ How can you tell when you’re in love with someone? ❜
❛ Is that supposed to be some kind of insult? ❜
❛ I’m done living the way other people want me to live. ❜
❛ I think I was trying to prove something, not to you but to myself.  ❜
❛ If it wasn’t sex then what was the problem? ❜
❛ What do you want me to say? That I’m self-destructive? ❜
❛ Random destruction makes you think of me? ❜
❛ I haven’t abused marijuana like the rest of you, so yes I remember. ❜
❛ Your turf? What is this West Side Story? ❜
❛ All I’m gonna be thinking about while you choke me out is how much I love you. ❜
❛ If I don’t invest in myself, no one else will. ❜
❛ It smells worse than a dead hooker’s ass in there. ❜
❛ I don’t wanna be me anymore. ❜
❛ Why would anyone go to the zoo sober? ❜
❛ I’ve had so many abortions the next one is free. ❜
❛ I’d trade my left nut for one more hour of sleep. ❜
❛ How do you do that? The nice thing? ❜
❛ I’m sick of living in your shadow. ❜
❛ I never thought I’d say this but you were right. ❜
❛ Where can I get knives and blunts? ❜
❛ I can’t share a room with someone in constant state of arousal! ❜
❛ I’m sneaking antibiotics into his toothpaste just in case. ❜
❛ I got tasered for like a second and I crapped myself. ❜
❛ I’ve never seen you put on deodorant before. ❜
❛ I haven’t had a drink for two days…well granted I was unconscious. ❜
❛ I’ll be in the bushes across the street stalking you. ❜
❛ Is there anything more enjoyable on earth than humiliating your peers? ❜
❛ I need to buy a gun. For protection. In case there’s a shooting here. I’m scared. ❜
❛ It’s my job to tell you when you’re making a huge mistake. ❜
❛ Have you ever woken up naked in the street with no idea how you got there? ❜
❛ You’re either boning or you’re waiting to bone. ❜
❛ Doctors are thieves, they just have degrees to keep them out of jail. ❜
❛ You want me to be realistic? Okay, I’ll be realistic. ❜
❛ I confided in you and you told everyone. ❜
❛ I have no idea what that means but I’m enjoying trying to picture it. ❜
❛ I never made any fucking promises to you! ❜

I am Jasmine Masters 👩🏾👩🏾 and I have something to say 🗣. Rupaul’s 👴🏽👸🏽 Drag Race 🏁 has fucked up drag 👩🏽‍🎤💃🏻. Bottom 👏🏼 line 👏🏼, cut 👏🏼and 👏🏼 dry ✂️🏜. Yes, I was on the show 📺 , I got on the show 📺 just because I needed a goddamn 🙏🏼🙏🏼 pay raise 📈and I got tired of seeing bitches 👩‍👩‍👧come from out of town🌚💫🌖, this is nothing to none of the girls👩‍👧‍👧, I’m just saying 🗣. I got tired🤦🏾‍♂️ of some of you bitches 👩‍👩‍👧👩‍👧‍👧coming to town🛬🏘, not having eyelash glue 👁, bobby pins ✔️and safety pins🔗, and wh- duct tape🎞, whatever you needed, but y’all got it from me 💇🏾and y’all was making way more 💸💵 than ME…have your asses 🍑🍑came before?…….…..and I 👩🏾 can get it, but I also said it’s the show 📺 that’s for something that I do 💃🏾. I am drag queen👠, I am an entertainer 🎭🎭, whatever, female impersonator🚶🏾‍♀️👩🏼‍⚕️. I do what RuPaul👴🏽👸🏽 does. So why not get on this show 📺, so I can make some extra coin💿 dollars💵💸 and see the world 🌎🗿🌃and meet some new people👫👬🕺🏽. But, the show 📺 been on now 8️⃣ years, and from those 8️⃣ years the drag scene 💃🏼🎬has really went down hill📉🏔. It’s just fucked up. Now, bitches 🐶🐶 are wearing panties 👙🎀and bras 👙on stage and thinking that they are fucking sickening 👩🏼‍🎤💁🏼and the crowd 👨‍👨‍👧‍👦👩‍👩‍👧think they sickening👩🏼‍🎤💁🏻 ‘cause they’s been on the show 📺 and the..GIRL👧🏽….Let me tell 🗣you, you young 👶🏻 generation🤰🏻something, you could like what you like🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈, and I’m not knocking👊🏼 what peop- how people 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦 want to express themselves in drag 👩🏼‍🎤💃🏽, but honey 🍯🍯 that’s not 🙅🏽‍♂️❌ drag👩🏾‍🎤💃🏿, that’s not the drag👩🏻‍🎤👨🏻‍🎤💃🏼 I know about, so when you ask axe 🔪 me 👩🏾 those types of questions ❓❓ and I tell you I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♂️❓, I’m not being funny 🤡🤡. I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️. I’m not in that drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏽 era or…..Baby👶🏻👶🏼, I’m 3️⃣9️⃣ years goddamn, I’m 3️⃣9️⃣ years old, and when I started 👶🏾👶🏾 doing drag👨🏿‍🎤💃🏽, I had a hot glue gun🔫🔫 and I have rhinestones💎💎🔴🔮and I have feathers 🐥🐥 and I have fucking cardboard 📦 cutting up✂️🆙 stuff up making earrings 💕⚓️whatever we could do; creative🎉🎉. That’s the drag👨🏼‍🎤💃🏽 I came from, that’s the drag👩🏻‍🎤💃🏻 I know 👩🏾 about. I wasn’t brought up 👶🏾 wearing my panties and bras 👙👙 on stage AND🕓 AND🕘 AND 🕢AND 🕚AND 🕛 reaching 🙋🏾‍♂️🙋🏾‍♂️ for something that ain’t there 📵. I’m not that dra- I didn’t grow up 👶🏾👶🏾 that way, I didn’t have Youtube 💻🖥⌨️ to teach 👨🏻‍🏫 me👨🏾‍💻. I had somebody 🎅🏼🎅🏼show me and I learned 👨🏽‍🔬👨🏽‍💼and I asked questions❓❓. So when you 👱🏼‍♀️ come to me 👩🏾 with that shit 💩 💩 and I tell you I really don’t know 🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️, I don’t know🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️. It’s not drag 👩🏽‍🎤💃🏽to me 🙅🏽‍♂️🙅🏾. I’m not putting no one down💉🐶 💀 , I’m not saying 🚫🗣 that I’m better than nobody👤. That’s just not fucking drag 👩🏽‍🎤💃🏽 to me🙅🏾🙅🏽‍♂️. You’ve been watching Youtube💻🖥👨🏻‍💻 and drag queens 💃🏽👩🏻‍🎤from Rupaul’s 👴🏽👸🏽 Drag Race 🏁 and you think 💭 that’s the only drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏽 that there is, well I’m sorry sweetheart 💝, that is not 🚫. Yes, I have done pageants 👑 , I told 🗣 you to do it damn. This is for somebody 🎅🏼 who try to let me have it but I ain’t goin to say 🚫🗣 their name ‘cause they’re 👨‍👩‍👧 probably tryin’ to get some exposure ☀️ but grind don’t you ditch out your name ✍🏽, I’m just gonna let you have it in a nice way💋. Bitch 🐶🐶, I told you to do the little bar pageant 👶🏻🍻👑 at your damn, at- in the city 🏘 that you was in. You said “no 🚫, I don’t wanna do it ‘cause I don’t wanna be labeled 🗂 as the pageant girl 👸🏻.” But bitch 🐶🐶, 1️⃣ thing about a pageant 👑 that I learned that I have doing for years 👵🏾, it molds you to be professional👨🏾‍💼, girl 👧🏼. It really does. ‘Cause you know you have to be there for a certain time 🕔 for registration🗒 or you’re gonna get docked 🛳. You know gotta come in there with your shit 💩 prepared 📱💗 PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱, you know you got categories to make your dress for and everything, so I’m not sitting there trying to 📱💗 PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱umm, force 💪🏾 you to do something that you may not wanna do, it’s just the experience 👨🏽‍💼 of doing it so you could know all the shit 💩 so when you get into a show 🏃🏽‍♀️, you know if it’s 3️⃣ girls 👩‍👧‍👧you have enough time 🕠. Ok bitch 🐶🐶, I 👩🏾 can get through it ‘cause you already done it in the pageant 👑 so you had that experience 👨🏽‍💼. But if you wanna take your ass 🍑🍑 out there believing RuPaul’s 👴🏽👸🏽Drag Race 🏁🏁 is what drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏿 is about, bitch 🐶🐶 your ass 🍑 gonna be in the same gutter like some of the rest of you girls 👩‍👧‍👧 that ain’t going nowhere 🚫. Because all y’all look the damn same 👯👯. You all got the same fucking face 👱🏼‍♀️👱🏼‍♀️👱🏼‍♀️, you all got the same goddamn Dollar General 💵or Family Dollar 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦💵 panties and bra set 👙. That ain’t drag. I’m sorry it’s not drag👩🏻‍🎤💃🏼. Everybody wanna wear these damn leotards 👯👯to the fucking club🍹. Bitch🐶🐶, can ya add a damn RHINESTONE ♦️💎 to it. Why you wear leo-. For 1️⃣, it’s winter ☃️ out here in California, I know it’s winter ☃️ everywhere else, everybody’s ass ❄️🍑is freezing. But you still go out in a leotard 👯. GOING TO the club 🍾? 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES💗📱 But you’re not 👩🏽‍🍳❌ serving it. You are NOT serving I’m sorry to tell you 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱bitch 🐶🐶 that ain’t cute. Your ass 🍑 is like your ass ❄️🍑 is freezing 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱. I don’t care about how many stockings you got on your pants👖 bitch it’s ☃️cold 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES💗📱. And that’s the drag 👩🏻‍🎤that we are in tod- and it’s 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱 not fucking drag, it’s not drag. Then when you see a girl 📱💗 PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱come out all glamorous 🎎 and all this, “OHHH WOW OOOOooo”, and all, no bitch. “SHE OLD SCHOOL 👵🏾🏫” not bitch 🐶🐶 she ain’t nobody 👤 old school 🏫, bitch old school’s 👵🏾🏫 the one that got you to the new school 👶🏼🏫. And panties and bras 👙 is not the damn way. SIMPLE. Now if I hurt 👊🏼 anybody’s feelings 🙍🏻‍♂️ by this video 🎥 that was not my intent but I just got tired 🙇🏽of these queens 🤴🏼🤴🏼🤴🏼hitting me up axing 🔪me about this stuff, I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♀️. I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♀️ where the best place to get a corset 🤰🏻, bitch I have never even WORN a corset🤰🏻, my waist size is a 2️⃣6️⃣. I’m 3️⃣9️⃣☠️! I don’t know where to get corsets🤰🏻 and things and from and garter belts⛓, bitch 🐶🐶 I don’t wear that stuff that’s not my zhush 🚱, that’s not 🚷in my foregay 4️⃣🌈 I don’t do that. So I’m not being rude🐲. Again I’m just saying 🗣, I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♀️. But it’s not drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏼for me, that’s just ‘bitch let me pull out my momma panties 👵🏼👙and go on stage and make all this money 💰’, I’m sorry. And if anybody hear this from….some show 📺. Don’t come calling ☎️📞 me talkin’ bout you can’t…no bitch 🐶🐶, it’s your fucked up drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏼 bitch 🐶🐶. BOTTOM 👏🏼 LINE, 👏🏼 CUT 👏🏼 AND 👏🏼 DRY ✂️🏜. It is what is is 💁🏽‍♂️🖐🏽.

Introductions

My group was doing a Wild West-style homebrew. So another player (X) and I had two make new characters after ours went out in a blaze of glory ( details not important to this story). Our new characters burst into the room with the rest of the party.

Me: Surrender, bandits!
X: Yeah! Give it up!

The other player characters and the marshal that they are working with all draw guns on us. It all calmed down after X and I explained that we were bounty hunters.

Me: Well y'all seem like decent enough folk, I think introductions are in order. My name is…
Native American (to X’s character): Did you guys ride in on a rhino?
X: That we did!
Native American: How did you find a rhino in these parts?
X: Well…

X launches into a long explanation of his mechanical expertise. The whole time when there is a pause my character tries to introduce himself but to no avail.

Other character: Well it looks like it’s time we decided to hunt down another criminal.
X: I agree let’s go!
Me (frustrated): WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

When they’ve got him in the interrogation room every officer seems to have the same question; was it worth it? With all that happened, with how it turned out, the years of drunken revelry, the constant media attention, the heists, the hubris, the way it ended in a bloodbath the likes of which Los Santos has never seen. This is your legacy Ramsey, was it worth it?

They ask like his answer means anything, ask like they even care what he thinks, ask like they don’t think he feels anything at all. They ask like it wasn’t his plans that brought him here. Like it wasn’t his plans the led to six body bags and a single pair of handcuffs, a room full of tactless officers and a kingpin with no one left to call crew. They ask like can’t help themselves from asking.

Was it worth it?



There’s never a serious discussion, no big heart to heart, but there’s no escaping the fact that the Fake’s all know they are dying in slow motion. More or less signed their own death certificate’s years ago, living on stolen time, and sooner or later they’ll find themselves in the ground.

They took Los Santos by storm and defended it with their lives. With each others lives. Have sacrificed themselves and the ones they love to a city that takes no prisoners. They fought hard for their crown, and kept on fighting every single day to succeed, to profit, to reaffirm themselves as the city’s biggest bads. They knew that they would only be unstoppable until they aren’t. Until the day they fall, and eventually they must fall.  

Even after all the years of action, all the blood, sweat and tears they’ve poured into this empire, everyone knows there is no such thing as retirement for the Fake AH Crew; for all they’ve already trained their own successors the frontrunners of the reigning crew in Los Santos will never be allowed to simply step down and move aside when their time is over. Between old enemies and constant rivals, members of law enforcement and anyone simply looking to boost their own reputation, there are countless numbers who would hunt them to the ends of the earth. Everyone knows, one way or another, the FAHC is going out bloody.

And by god, did they go out bloody.



The Fake’s die halfway through the afternoon on a Tuesday. What a fucking inconsequential day right? They were owed a Friday at the very least, were meant to go out past midnight, meant to go out in a blaze of glory. They were meant to go out all together. They weren’t meant to go out at all.  

The wheels fell off weeks before, a series of questionable jobs and public fights, a level of disorder totally out of line with the crew’s trademark cohesion. Rumour has it they were rife with in-fighting. Rumour has it after all this time the cracks were finally showing. Its easy, afterwards, to read into the events that came before, to manufacture clues, to swear the writing was on the wall for anyone to see. In reality no one saw it coming. In reality the whole damn city was taken by surprise.

Maybe they bit off more than they could chew, maybe they were distracted, out of sync, or maybe it was just the inevitable finally catching up with them but in the end the Fake’s wind up in a firefight they aren’t winning. After endless years of near misses and close calls, of lucky runs and brilliant timing, after thousands of impossible victories, the FAHC finally lost.

To lose like this, picked off one by one, powerless to save themselves, to save each other, must have been their worst nightmare. With every body on the ground those left only grew more furious, more reckless, lose whatever feeble grasp on self-preservation they ever had, throwing away any possibility of retreat in favour of retribution. It wasn’t enough.

In the end the only one left breathing on either side is Ramsey. The scene finally gone still, silent, the echoes of screams and gunfire fading away into a shivery stunned kind of shock. They say Ramsey’d fallen to his knees amongst the grime, iconic suit near indistinguishable under all the dirt and ash, the blood of men and women who thought they’d live forever. He kneels there in silence while sirens grow ever louder, makes no move to flee, doesn’t even look up from bodies as cars scream to a stop around him.

The messed up thing, the really fucked up part? They say Ramsey was laughing by the time the police got there. Say he stood and brushed himself off, surrounded by the bodies of those he claimed family, drenched sickly red while his empire lay in ruins, and laughed. And god doesn’t that confirm what everyone’s always thought, doesn’t that just prove he always was a monster. Never cared for anyone, for anything, not really. People used to say the one thing Geoff loved was his crew but it seems Ramsey’s cold-blooded ruthlessness won out in the end.



In the fallout of a travesty, of a victory, of an unexpected bloodbath, in a stark grey room faced with a distressingly apathetic villain, in circumstances none could have predicted, all the detectives seem capable of asking is if it was worth it in the end. They ask and ask and Ramsey’s answer never changes, his cold smirk never fades, so calm and unconcerned they catch him glancing at the clock, as though he’s bored. As though even now he’s got somewhere better to be. And still, full of horrified disbelief, they have to ask.

Was it worth it? Yes. Was it worth it? Always. Knowing what you know now, knowing how it ends, how they all go down for you, would you do it all again? Every damn time. Surely you have regrets, you had to know one day it would end like this.  

Oh baby, who says it’s over?



It comes together as a joke more than anything, the cumulation of too many late nights followed by too many bad movies. Their last job was tense, a heist with months of preparations and so much on the line, and while they’ve certainly celebrated their victory like royalty they didn’t come away unscathed. The injuries, numerous though mostly minor, serve to once again remind them all how lucky they’ve been so far. How most don’t make it nearly this many years without tragedy, couldn’t be in the game this long, let alone running the game this long without signing up for devastation. How losing a member, to outright death or crippling injury, is without a doubt only a matter of time at this point. How such a loss will be so much worse in this ridiculously close-knit crew than any they’d experienced before.

Sobering thoughts, combined with the difficulties of winding down after endless weeks of  stress eventually leads to the discussion they never have, the question of what else they could be doing with their lives, what choices brought them here, what they would do if they could just step out, sign off, retire. It’s not that they’re bored of this life they’ve built – how could they be when the world is their oyster – but there’s no denying the fact that after all this time terrorising Los Santos doesn’t quite thrill them like it used to.

If you’d asked any of them ten, five, hell even two years ago they’d have scoffed at the idea of ever retiring, would have sworn up and down that they wanted to go down in flames, to end with a bang, and at the time they meant it. At the time it was true. It still is, in a way, they’ll probably always see something dreadfully appealing in going out on top, but with every passing year it’s harder and harder to look at a room full of people they love and consider playing a role in their deaths. Every time they get hurt it takes a little longer to heal, the old aches and pains are becoming more prominent, and their ever growing patchwork of scars have started looking less badge of honour than they do morbid countdown. Obviously they’ve still got it, still in their prime enough to keep their crown, but between age and gratuitous injury, time is creeping up on them all.

The Fake’s used to joke about the end, said whoever lasted longest won, got to make off with the fortunes, live like a king, but that reality isn’t quite so funny anymore. The idea of surviving, of being left behind with nothing but cold hard cash and heyday memories is enough to make them physically ill. So maybe retiring doesn’t seem quite so unappealing anymore.

Maybe a passing comment way too late at night, after far too much mixing of alcohol and pain meds, in the spirit of some dumb con movie they’d all been heckling, was enough to plant an idea. A ridiculous, unrealistic, completely unattainable idea, but still an idea nonetheless. They’re all a bit hung up on it, still joking, still assuring one another that they aren’t serious, but still bringing it up all the same, running through all the possibilities.

It would take far more than simply disappearing; they have too much wealth and notoriety, have far too many enemies, the world is simply too easy a place to comb through these days. People, at least the vast majority of people, would have to be convinced not to come looking. Convinced there was nothing to look for, nothing to track, would have to think the absent members of the Fake AH Crew were in the one place no one could ever reach them.

There are ways, of course, to feign death. For those with the right contacts, with endless money and enough resources, there are ways to trick the body into something close enough to pass, at least for a time. But even then it’s not so simple; there must be witnesses, there must be evidence, crook and cop alike must be sure. Of course with a public death comes increased risk- it wouldn’t do to go so far in their act that appearances became reality, to go to such lengths to imitate death only to wind up that way regardless. Somehow, someone’s going to have to play guardian, prevent anyone’s corpse from catching a stray bullet to the brain, or jerking back to life too late with guts already laid out on an autopsy table. Someone has to be ready to whisk them all away, and who do any of them trust more than the man they’ve been following all these years. The boss they’d die for. The boss they will die for.

They don’t talk about it, because no one wants to admit it might be happening, no one wants to burst the bubble, to invite reality to rush in and crush the unbelievable thought that the Fake’s might get a happy ending, but at some point they stop laughing. At some point they each quietly start getting all their ducks in a row, using their free time to organise their affairs.

No one questions the way Geoff and Jack have started having day-long meetings with the support crew in-between jobs, the way Lindsay’s spending far more of her time recruiting than ever before, the way Gavin’s taking calls at all hours of the day, rarely in english, clearly haggling over something. They don’t wonder why all their money is getting moved around, why Ryan and Michael are busy collecting all outstanding debts while Jeremy and Ray are plotting the layout of the police station, the morgue.

It’s all happening on the down low, all behind business as usual, but eventually, after nearly a year of quiet organisation, they are just about ready to disappear. All that’s left is the bang, the flashy smoke and mirrors, the hook to stop anyone coming after them, anyone even thinking to track them down. One final step, one last decision to make, a choice they must commit to as one or not at all. All they’ve got left to do is die.



Over the years the Fake AH Crew has grown exponentially but the original elements have never drifted apart, never gone looking for something else or turned on one another. The crew has flourished, become a full blown empire, but nothing can touch the unity of the innermost members, as strong now as it have ever been. For all their loyal familiarity was mocked back in the day, for all their closeness was seen as a weakness, after all these years it seems only death itself will seperate them now. If they had the chance to evade their own mortality one last time, to get out, to be free, would they make the leap?



The Fake’s die halfway through the afternoon on a Tuesday. Pattillo, the Vagabond, Mogar and the Golden Boy, Little J and Brownman, but not the boss. Well not on paper anyway – any who knew them must know Ramsey’d never recover from the loss. Any who didn’t just know the LSPD took seven bodies away that day and none of them ever came back. It’s not a stretch to assume Ramsey’s survival was a rumour. To believe it wishful thinking, to say he died at the scene or died at the station, delayed injury or the cops cleaning up the last loose thread of the group who’d made their lives living hell for years.

There’s paperwork out there, somewhere, claiming a different story. A report that barely makes a lick of sense, the sworn record that a kingpin arrived in chains and left with corpses, slipped out of his cell like he was never there, without a hint as to how he got free. He disappeared like smoke, not a trace left behind, and none of the seven alive or dead ever resurfaced. The story is embarrassing, inexplicable, and it reflects badly enough on the LSPD that it is quickly buried.

Even if it hadn’t been there are few who would believe it. Few who could believe for even a moment that Ramsey could walk free and not be with the last of his crew, that he would let another run his empire, run his city, if he was in any way capable of preventing it. No, however it went down Ramsey did not survive. It’s fitting, really. No one can live forever and the OG Fake’s were certainty pushing their luck, had been pushing it for years; a crew that close should go out together.



The Fall of the Fake AH Crew isn’t much of a fall, in the end. The seemingly inevitable power vacuum one would expect following the death of the group who’d been running the city for endless years never comes. It shouldn’t be possible but even after the most devastating loss imaginable the the FAHC isn’t toppled from their throne. They restructure almost overnight; many of the oldest, original members of the support crew bow out, disappear on the wind without a trace, but there are more than enough left behind to fill their shoes. It’s almost perfect, almost unbelievable, some of support shuffling into the spotlight while still more unknown faces are revealed to boost their ranks. Their ability to keep their enemies at bay during the turmoil is impressive enough, but it’s the absence of internal conflicts that is truely boggling; there are no betrayals or executions, no public power plays or jealous feuds, somehow the city’s most scrutinised gang managed to completely restructure after the loss of not just their leader but all their key members without a single hitch. Almost like they were ready, like it was planned.



If the Fake’s had the chance to stay together, to start over somewhere else, stop waiting for the day one of them inevitably doesn’t make it home, but in return they had to step away from the action, give up everything they’d built, hand if off to legacy and fade out into legend, would it be worth it?

Apparently, yes. For all of them, from the moment the possibility arises, throughout every conversation, every debate and consideration, with everything they will lose, with everything they stand to gain, every goddamn time without fail, yes.



Somewhere out there, worlds away from Los Santos, a man sits on a private beach. He isn’t armed with anything more than a beer, there are no weapons, he simply sits upon the sand enjoying the breeze. There’s a woman to his right, sunbathing, a man to his left doing the same; golden tans make their startling number of scars stand out in stark relief but the heat of the sun does wonders for stubborn pains. At the shoreline old friends are knocking shoulders, bumping each other nearer and nearer to the water, not quite rough-housing like little boys but they’re getting close, voices rising on the wind.

The single house behind them is huge and noisy, full of music and chatter, full of monsters and overgrown children, the most loyal humans the man has ever had the honour of knowing. In a brief moment of silence sound from the television drifts down to the beach, an American news anchor reporting the latest infraction of some criminal organisation in a far away city; the house cheers and kicks back into a merry roar. Down by the water there is a betrayal, a splash and screeching protest as one winds up in the waves against his will. Safe on the sand, without a trouble in the world, the man laughs.

its time to talk about overwatch beach day

so i know this has been talked about but like. i had some stupid ideas.

-Reinhardt definitely wears a speedo. he doesn’t give a shit. 

-Genji wears a shirt to the beach, and no one knows why. He says he’s embarrassed about showing his chest but ?????? he has no pants. also he never wears clothes?

-Reaper is the same except booty shorts.

-76 is dressed like a dad. Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts, and a visor. 

-Zarya finds a bathing suit that shows off ALL of her muscles.

-Mei wears those adorable 50s esque two pieces that are all frilly and polka dotted.

-McCree wears like normal swimming shorts but he still wears his hats and cowboy boots. it’s so stupid. 

-Ana wears a bikini because she’s got a hot mom bod and WILL show it off.

-Pharah can’t swim. She wears water wings with no shame, she’s got the inner tube and everything. 

-Tracer can’t go into the water because of her chronal accelerator, so she makes up for it with super adorable bikini’s. She gets sunburned hardcore. goggles tan.

-Widowmaker won’t go into the water, she just tans even though her skin won’t change. 

-Zenyatta just floats over the water. he’s having he time of his life. 

-Hanzo just sits in the shade, he doesn’t like to swim. but he’ll finally reveal his elusive second tiddy. He wears shorts but no shirt. lots and lots of sunscreen.

-Symmetra makes the most beautiful, intricate and amazing sandcastles. 

-Junkrat is the asshole who kicks them but then feels bad later and helps her make a new one.

-Roadhog floats on his back. all day. when he comes out, he’s clean, so he makes sure to roll around in the sand so has another reason to go back into the water. even though he still has his mask, he wears little goggles over top of the mask.

-D.va has a water gun, and she won’t stop spraying everything. Hanzo yells at her a lot because he doesn’t want to get wet but she doesn’t give a shit. She also has a super cute bikini with her logo on it, because why wouldn’t she?

-Mercy is the beach mom. She brings the snacks and 5 bottles of sunscreen. She also brought 3 giant umbrellas. She wears one of those comically large floppy sunhats, and have a very cute one piece bathing suit. 

-Torbjorn competes with Symmetra to make better sandcastles. It’s not a direct competition, but he just tries to one-up her the whole time. 

-Lucio obviously supplies the music, bringing a boombox to listen to his own music. He joins D.va with the water gun shenanigans. 

-Winston floats in the water with Roadhog. he has tiny goggles.

-Bastion can’t go in the water, so he sits under the umbrellas. He has a little sunhat that Mercy got for him and he loves it. He beeps along to the music, and beeps happily all day.

i have so many thoughts about how len just immediately took up the captain cold persona as soon as cisco named him he threw his head back and smirked like a fucking pieace of shit i hate him so much and then he had to go and grab a fuck ass parka, which i guess makes sense considering that gun shoots out subatomic temperatures, but then he was still wearing it even when he lost the gun??? he had to keep up his image???  and he had to make his stupid ass,,,,,, cold puns,, his fucking “there’s a new godfather and his name is cold” and playing fucking cold as ice at saints and sinners, he’s a fucking nerd, it’s like he’s been waiting to be a shit ass supervillain all his life, fuck ass…………………..bitch

I strongly believe that the fact that Allura never got to name the qualities of the blue paladin (for she was interrupted by fuckboi lance) in the first episode is actually a major foreshadowing. So during season 3, when Lance is having his worst time and his self esteem is on it’s lowest, she’ll approach him in front of the whole team and say: “For generations, the blue paladin has been known for being the most creative, brave and noble of the warriors. He shall be someone who sees beyond evident, thinks outside of what is reasonable and isn’t afraid to go against the odds for the sake of those he protect. You, Lance Mcclain, were chosen for a reason, and have, indeed, proven worthy of piloting the blue lion. Also truth be told, if it hadn’t been for Shiro and his running mouth you’d be leading Voltron right now, so get the fuck up and go kick some ass, cause hell, we can’t do it without you. Also you’re the freaking sharpshooter, are you kidding me, your shooting skills are ridonculous.” Then the whole squad will agree like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, like “dude, you seriously thought we didn’t need you, wtf??” So Lance will shed a tear and inmediatly proceed to get his gun, beat the shit out of Lotor and his whole flote, be the MVP of the season and have an agressive victory make out session with Keith.