that just happens to like soap beards

Today, I fucked up by trying beard oil.

This just happened and I thought you would all like to know about my own stupidity.

I read recently about how you should avoid soaping up beards and instead replenish it with beard oil, this sounds great to me so I was planning to make my own with coconut oil, I’ve yet to get around to that… So today in the shower I decide my beard really does need a proper wash and that I’ll have a dig in the cupboard afterwards to see what oils and lotions we have, this is where I made a terrible mistake.

I picked out a bottle of mint oil thinking that as long as it didn’t say essential oil that it should be okay, I poured a healthy few drops out (the dropper style bottle rang alarm bells which I have learnt to ignore) and started on working it into my beard.

This worked beautifully for all of ten seconds before I entered a new world of pain as my face started to feel the heat and sting, the following wave of menthol made my eyes and nose immediately start streaming and so I stumbled around trying to think what to do.

Bleary eyed, without my glasses, and trying desperately to avoid wiping the tears away with my hands, I looked over the bottle to see if there was any warnings of my impending fate. I managed to glimpse a brief flash of “"warning … near eyes … throat” and I am afraid to say I panicked. Lurching over to the sink I frantically tried washing it out of my beard with water and, as if seeing the Archangel Youdumas, a voice rolled forth in my head like thunder simply booming “You should not have done that.”

I thought I was going to die then, as my vision left me and my face began to burn with the renewed fury of Satan’s taint I imagined myself collapsing, choked for air. A thought occurred to me to try diluting the menthol oil with normal vegetable oil, but my hopes vanished as I considered the lengthy path downstairs to the kitchen.

I set forth, the staircase appearing as a watery grey wall that either fell downwards into nothingness or loomed impossibly huge over me like a wall. My eyes and mind playing tricks on me I slowly and tentatively made me way down, gripping the banister for dear mercy.

The kitchen cupboard spilled out with all my greatest desires, nestled amongst piles of sweet treats and exotic cocoa products there lay my prize. A bottle of grapeseed oil shimmering golden in what little light and vision was afforded to me. I would like to say I left that room a proud man, that I wore my underpants and socks without fear nor humiliation as oil dripped from my hands and beard.

I would like to say that.

TL;DR Never ever use mint oil for anything, it is the devils juice.

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