that is not wheat but close enough

easy minimal clean-up grilled cheese for lazy assholes, a recipe made up half an hour ago by me, your local canadian lazy asshole

you will need: bread of your choice, cheese of your choice, butter/margarine of your choice

a toaster, a butter knife, a plate (optional), a microwave (optional)

  1. toast your bread of choice to the amount of toastiness you prefer (i made golden brown whole wheat bread). while it is toasting, gather all other supplies as close to the toaster as you reasonably can and make sure they are ready to use immediately (i.e. i used processed cheese so i peeled back the wrapper, i used margarine so i took the lid off the tub etc.).
  2. when your toast pops, snap to it. put one one slice on your plate (optional, can use hand or counter but not recommended), pop your cheese on top, and put the second slice on top as fast as possible, so the toast is still hot enough to kind of melt the cheese. press down on top if you want to glue them together a little better. spread a thin layer of butter/margarine on top of the top piece of bread, again while the toast is still hot.
  3. okay so if you want, you can just eat the damn sandwich as is, your choice. but my processed cheese was barely melted at all by this point, so i put it in the microwave to melt it a little more (settings vary microwave to microwave but i put mine in for thirty seconds on half power).
  4. when the cheese is melted to your liking, shove your face. enjoy.

the only clean up is the plate and the butter knife, and i guess your toaster and microwave if you clean those every time you use them or something makes a big mess but both of those scenarios are highly unlikely

much less effort than the whole pan on the stove thing, while yielding somewhat similar results

tadaaaa

I always thought you’d come back
arms open
waiting for me to jump up
and cling to the flesh on your neck.
I can see it now
you’re standing in a field,
the sun’s setting behind you
but it’s not blinding
your silhouette looks too perfect,
like a painting,
like a dream
I don’t wake up yet
I keep walking
the wheat grazing my legs.
I feel the breeze as it blows through my hair
it’s the perfect temperature, just sitting on my skin

(like you used to when we were curled up in bed,
your fingers tracing the small hairs on my arms
starting from my wrist all the way up to my shoulder.)

I finally get to you
as if I’ve been walking my whole life
destined to stand a foot away.
(almost there, but still not close enough)
I can hear your breaths
so faint it blends into the wind
like a little whistle,
it takes me back to when you held me in your arms as you slept.
I never realized all the little things I missed.

we’re standing in this wheat field,
the Suns making my eyes gold, I can tell by the way you’re looking at me
you see this sparkle in my eye
and wonder what happened,
why it ever disappeared.
it only feels like we’ve been standing there for a few seconds
or maybe hours
I can’t tell.
all I can think about is your hand
all I can think about is you moving it just a few inches
reaching out for mine

then all of a sudden the Suns practically gone,
the moon has started its turn in the sky and is just behind me
your eyes drift
locked on its white crescent
you only see her

(I always thought you’d come back.
come back from this dream youre in
where you love the sun,
but no matter what you’ll always belong to the moon.
I always thought some day
the sparkle in my golden eyes would be enough)

in the dream it’s too dark to see anything except her.
you’re looking at me
but still her body is balancing on my eyes
dancing as they shift back and forth,
swimming as tears start to form.

(I’ve always been waiting
waiting for her to sleep so I can be reborn,
so you can see my eyes change from brown to gold,
so you can feel my warmth.
I’ve always been waiting for excuses
to be enough for you
I wonder when I realized I never was
I wonder how long I pretended I never knew.)

—  “you may be sunshine darling but we both know the moon has my heart” // August 27, 2016

Facebook’s Memories thing reminded me about this. Happened a year ago today and, sadly, this man still comes in and is STILL this annoying. Yay. I work at a local sandwich shop.

Today was a great day. Let me set the scene for you. It’s close to closing and an old dude comes in. He orders a turkey sandwich. “Can you put that on one slice of bread, instead of two?”

“Sir… The sandwiches normally come on a roll. It’s all one piece. Do you want sliced bread?”

“Yes, whole wheat.”

“Sir, we don’t have whole wheat sliced bread. I can give you Multigrain though.”

So he orders tomatos, lettuce, dijian must, and swiss on the sandwich. That’s fine, it’s whatever. “Actually, make that a large.”

“Sir, I don’t have enough turkey for a large sandwich.”

“But I want a large.”

So I change tactics. “A large wouldn’t fit on one slice of bread.”

“Then make it two. Put provolone on that one.”

So I’m just whatever, I’ll make a fake large and deal with the bullshit later if they call to complain. I repeat his order to him, and a girl was just like “oh, Dijian mustard and swiss, fancy.”

The old man goes “And provalone on the other one. I have another personality, gotta make sure they’re all happy.”

I’m just like YEP THIS JUST GOT CREEPY.

As I’m about to ring him out, he pulls out a busted phone held together by hair ties. I KID YOU NOT, HAIR TIES. He goes “Do you want anything, Martha?” This leads to a whole new conversation, in which he orders a small tuna. Then he had a convo with ‘Martha’ about what chips and sodas he likes.

He brings up a Sarsaparilla. “Does this have caffeine?” I know root beer doesn’t, but I wasn’t sure about Sas. So I say “Sir, I’m not sure. But, because of my heart condition, I’ve learned that most dark sodas have caffine in them.”

So he tries to read the label. Then looks to me. “I’d ask you, but your heart condition wouldn’t let you read it.” I’m just like ????? But I let it slide.

He turns to the two girls who’d been waiting to order and asked them to read it. The younger one tells him that it doesn’t say if it does. So I pipe up again. “Sir, they may not have to list if it does, since it doesn’t cross state lines.” Cause some laws are dumb like that.

His brilliant response was “It’s a law, so they have to. Laws are laws.”

Then he turns to the girls again and goes “Can I have your numbers? If it keeps me up at night, I want to blame you.” The girls just laughed like /ha ha ha… I hope it was a joke./

I just kept my head down and made his sandwiches. If he calls to complain on Monday, and they yell at me, I’ll happily accept it. I did what I could.

And this was just /one/ of my wonderful customers today.