that is kind of awful and depressing

Originally posted by fromzelotohero

Imagine Jeff Atkins being your neighbor

You let out a very loud groan as you enter your house, closing the door harder than you probably have should. The sudden noise brings your mother out of the kitchen and into the living room where you just plop face first into the couch.

“What’s wrong?” Your mom questions as she takes a sip of her tea, totally unfazed by your actions.

You let out a breath into the cushions, before turning over to lay on your back. “I already had a stressful day at school and work, and then I come home to this.”

“To what, honey?” Mom asks. “A loving and accepting home?”

“No… well, yea.” You rub your temples and let out another sigh. “That.” You abruptly sit up and gesture to the male outside the window. “Why is the Jeffrey Atkins mowing our lawn?”

Keep reading

On Victor’s love

Okay so I was thinking about Victor’s reasons to coach Yuuri recently and I realised there is one thing I was missing while thinking about it before. You know how we are shown Victor’s eyes start to sparkle the moment Yuuri asks him to be his coach?

For me this scene was always about feeling needed - Victor was so lonely he wouldn’t even realise it until that one dead drunk skater looked at him with awe and asked for his time and attention. Of course, it was a life-changing moment. In a way, I could agree this is the moment Victor falls in love because the idea of someone wanting him, needing him, struck him so much he can’t help himself. And so I agree that Victor’s crush on Yuuri played a big part in his decision making when it came to going to Japan. However, I also believe there was a different kind of love that really determined that decision.

Because we can be sure that before he overworked himself to the point of severe depression, before being on top lost its meaning, Victor absolutely loved skating. He’s not just an athlete, he was always an artist who was able to share his passion and stories and he wanted to surprise an audience, not because of his own vanity, but because of how much he wanted to share something he loves with the world. His skating was never about winning but about sharing his love for ice skating and this is why his situation is so tragic at the beginning of the series - he probably realised at some point that it’s not only that the audience is not surprised but also that he can’t find that love in himself anymore. For me, this is why he skates a program about missing love in his life - the only story he still knows how to tell.

And then Yuuri shows up asking for a coach, for someone to help him find his love for skating again, someone who in every move shows how much more does skating means then being technically strong. Victor had always so much to give and there is finally someone who wants to and deserves to take it. 

I don’t think that Victor came to Japan only because he needed love or inspiration although he definitely found them there. But he went to Japan because all he ever wanted was to inspire and express and share and Katsuki Yuuri was the first person who could appreciate it in a way that Victor would never imagine possible. He went to coach Yuuri if only to remind himself why does he loves skating and ended up finding so much more and it makes me so happy to think that next season he’ll be able to show his love for the whole world again.

Joker Imagine - Self harm

Anonymous said:

Hi! Can you write one where joker finds out the reader is selfharming? Like when he catches he doing it?

!!!! WARNING !!!! 


Side note: I’m not trying to romanticise self harming in any way. It was requested and (warning, an opinion is coming!) I think that people should write anything really. I mean, for some murder can be an awful topic. If no one wrote about crime, there would be no detective stories, comics etc. Just saying! 

Originally posted by won-der-land89

Your P.O.V.

The pain was one feeling that made me feel alive. I didn’t feel completely empty, numb and dead inside when I made myself feel something. When the blood tickled down my skin or the electricity pinched me, I felt alive. Funny how a few weeks ago I was scared to do this, so terrified that my boyfriend the Joker would find it. I still was, but I reached a point where I couldn’t stop.

I cut myself, not so it was super obvious, but sometimes here and there. What I mostly did was something different. I used a few wires and a battery to give myself shocks. It hurt like fuck and rarely left marks. Of course my skin was bruising but J wouldn’t suspect a thing. It was better so. He wouldn’t understand anyway.

I was a disgrace, a stupid girl who couldn’t do anything right. I felt like J would kill me off sooner or later because no one would want someone like me around for too long. Right? Who the fuck would put up with me for longer than a couple months? I was surprised J hadn’t realized what kind of a fool I was by now.

It was Monday evening in Gotham city. J was out somewhere with his goons so I was all alone in the penthouse. The day had been okay so far, but then things turned upside down when I was alone. My thoughts were clogged with bad memories, all the negative things people had told me, my super awful years and simply depressing thoughts. Like Joker hated me, he only used me, the entire world hated me. Stuff like that.

A couple hours passed and then I found myself in our purple bedroom, sitting on the floor close to the bathroom just in case I had to hurry there. I stared at the electricity gadget in front of me. My vision was a little blurry because I had been crying earlier. Tonight seemed worse. I needed something worse than some shocks. ‘’Fuck it’’ I spat out and got up, walking hazily to the bathroom. I opened a white drawer and grabbed a razor. The small cold metal could do a lot of bad things.

I looked at my almost clean wrist. It was very tempting since I used to cut my legs. J would see if I had a lot of scars on my wrist. One couldn’t be too obvious. So I took a deep breath and placed the sharp metal on my wrist, pressing it gently to add pressure.Then I just stared at it with my heart beating harder than normally. I just had to drag it, down, then it would be done.

‘’Come on now’’ I growled at myself, getting angry because I couldn’t find the guts to do it. Then I leaned against the bathroom wall and I tried again. I just couldn’t. My gut twisted because I was a little pissed off with myself. ‘’Do it you sick idiot! It’s not like anyone cares’’ I spoke out loud once I saw my reflection in the mirror. I saw an ugly worthless girl. I gritted my teeth and then let the anger take the best of me. I made a deep cut and then I dropped the razor on the white tile floor. It took me a couple seconds to realize what I had done.

Blood started oozing out of the fresh cut and it hurt more than I expected. ‘’Oh no’’ I whispered and quickly pressed the wound with my clean hand. I made a huge mess! J would get so mad if he saw a ll this blood! ‘’Shit shit shit’’ I hissed under my breath and hurried to another drawer, pulling out a towel. Then I fell down on my knees and I tried to clean the blood. It just soaked the green towel and my bleeding wound kept making a mess. Before I could do anything else, I was stopped.

‘’What the hell is going on?’’ I heard a very familiar voice by the bathroom door. My entire body froze on the floor, every single muscle and cell just tensed up once Joker’s voice rang through my ears. How long had he been here?

‘’ was an accident’’ I lied with fear in my voice. Then I started getting lightheaded. I felt like I could just go to sleep for years. But I was also scared shitless now that J caught me. ‘’Don’t..lie’’ He tried to say as calmly as he could, but Joker wasn’t the best anger controller. I could tell that he was fucking disappointed in me. The way he spoke sent a shiver down my spine.

I fucked up.

‘’I’m not lying’’ I whispered with tears in my throat. Suddenly I felt like I could sit on the floor all night. I ignored eye contact and I focused on breathing. In and out.. in and out..

Joker growled something under his breath and I could tell that he struggled to keep as calm as he was. Then he kneeled down in front of me, roughly grabbing the towel and then my arm. I had to bite my lips so I wouldn’t start whimpering when he pressed the towel on my cut, pressing it so the bleeding would stop. He faced down so I couldn’t see if he was super angry or sad. It honestly scared me a little bit.

‘’I swear I-I’ll clean up’’ I broke the silence, because it was killing me. Suddenly J raised his head so he could face me. His red lips were pulled into a thin line and there was a dark, perhaps dull twist in his icy eyes. I tried my best to look into his eyes without crying, but it didn’t take long to fail. His silence was just awful because I knew what he was thinking, what he was doing. 

Tears blurred my vision and before I knew it they were rolling down my face. My body started trembling and then I sobbed quietly. Why wasn’t he speaking to me? ‘’Why?’’ I finally heard his voice. Now he sounded both angry and somber. I covered my  eyes with my other hand and I tried to wipe away my tears, but I couldn’t stop crying. It’s like all my feelings I had kept inside wanted to burst out. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to explain it to someone who could react in ways I couldn’t imagine. Even tho he was my boyfriend..

Joker did the unexpected. He scooted right next to me and pulled me closer to him by wrapping his strong arms around me. I leaned against his chest. Soon after he started comforting me the best he could, which was a lot coming from him. J ran his fingers up and down my back, slowly, but so I felt his presence. Then he let me cry. I felt like a kid, crying wildly before it could speak. That was exactly my situation.

‘’What made you do this?’’ He asked me with a raspy voice when I calmed down a little bit. I grabbed the towel hard and I tried to take a deep breath. I had nothing to lose anyway so I could tell him anything. ‘’My thoughts’’ I started with a small voice. I had to tell him, because knowing J he wouldn’t let me off the hook until I told him the truth and if there was a person behind something. Once a guy yelled at me in the club because I apparently bumped into him, ruining his outfit with a drink. J shot the guy in the head, just like that.

‘’My thoughts are so mean to me, it’s like I have a bully in my head’’ I tried to explain something. Then I sniffled and blinked a couple tears away. J played with my hair and let me continue. So I simply told him anything that came to my mind. I told him about my past, my bad childhood, stupid exes and how the voices in my head seemed to get louder and more cruel. Everything.

‘’I just feel so worthless, like you’ll dump me soon and then I’ll have nothing’’ I whispered, partly hoping that he couldn’t hear that part. Suddenly he stopped playing with my hair, making me nervous. I hadn’t looked up to him while talking so I didn’t know his mood. I turned a little so I could look at his face. He seemed surprisingly sad. His red lips were parted a little bit and his eyes were very tedious. First he looked into my eyes, then my tearstained cheeks and my wrist where his eyes stayed. 

A wave of guilt slapped my face. I made him look so sad. It’s all my fault..

‘’Why haven’t you told me anything before?’’ He wanted to know, this time being the one avoiding eye contact. My heart skipped a beat. I expected him to pull out his gun and put a bullet through me. ‘’Because I didn’t want to bother you J. I-I didn’t want to seem weak’’ I explained myself carefully. J shut his mouth and looked at me again. Then he put his big hand on my cheek, gently. ‘’You’re not weak baby. Damn..’’ He growled and tilted his head from side to side. He was probably debating inside his head whether he should sound harsh or try to stay calm.

‘’You took down a group of armed men by yourself, you managed to get a cold man like me to feel things. Remember when we met?’’ He questioned me with a deep and raspy voice. I nodded, wondering why he brought that up. ‘’You weren’t scared. While everyone else were down on the floor, scared for their lives, you stood out. You walked up to me and I could have shot you, but no. You were so brave. So you’re not weak. If you were weak, you’d be dead by now’’ He told me very honestly without sugarcoats.

‘’But you must promise me something, and I’m not letting you break that promise’’ He warned me seriously. I knew what he would say, but I still waited. ‘’Don’t ever, I mean never ever do this to yourself again’’ He tried to make a deal. The tone in his voice was harsh and I knew why. He wasn’t playing around. ‘’I promise’’ I sighed and faced down, feeling ashamed. I couldn’t do anything right.

J touched my jaw and made me look at him. ‘’I trust you kitten, I really hope you can keep it. The next time you feel this way, speak to me. We can either talk and be like normal people, or go and find a toy to torture. You don’t have to hurt yourself when there’s plenty of people around’’ He suggested  seriously with a small smile. The suggestion sure sounded more thrilling.

‘’I’m sorry J’’ I apologized and sighed. I knew I’d have a scar on my wrist to remind me of this whenever I saw it. ‘’Mmh’’ J breathed out and shut his eyes.I didn’t even want to picture what it would be like to find him in my shoes and me in his. If I ever saw J so broken, I’d break too. Did he feel the same way about me? Or was I in deeper than he was? I had no idea and I didn’t want to find out.

‘’Let’s clean you up’’ He declared after a while. Then he got up and helped me on my feet as well. After sitting down and bleeding for a while, standing made me lightheaded. J put his hands on my shoulders so I could let my blood flow and clear my head. ‘’Thanks’’ I murmured silently. Damn this crying made my head hurt.

‘’And just so you know, after a bath and sleep we’re going to find your old bullies and torture them’’ J let me know and then he started filling the tub. I looked at him, first without an expression but then the corners of my mouth carved into a wicked smile. He truly cared about me. ‘’I can’t wait’’ I replied and then the flame of revenge burnt down my misery, at least for the moment.

I’d make them suffer for ruining me..

Five Fav Fics

The absolutely wonderful @watsonshoneybee tagged me to promo my top five favorite fics that I’ve written.  It feels a bit odd because I’ve only got ten things actually published on Ao3, and most of these are pretty short, but here you go anyway!  Hope you enjoy!

Permanent Fixture (18,836 words, explicit):  If you had told me a year ago I’d write such a lengthy parentlock fic I would’ve laughed in your face, but here we are.  I was feeling very depressed about the awfulness of season four, and writing this fic really helped me get past it.  It started as a sort of prompt fill because of a text post of @watsonsanatomy​‘s, and then it kind of got away from me.  It’s canon-compliant, post-s4, good old fashioned “how they finally get together” fluff with just a hint of angst and then a big ol’ dollop of smut.

Their Last Vows (1,768 words, mature):  I wrote this one ages ago on tumblr, but it’s always remained one of my favorites, so I eventually put it up on Ao3 as well.  It takes place very early on the morning of John and Sherlock’s wedding. Sherlock has been thinking too much, as per usual, and John loves him so much it’s painful.  Basically pure fluff.

Cuddles Are Never Tedious (876 words, mature):  This was a prompt fill that I wrote on tumblr not too long ago.  It’s very short, but I’m really quite fond of it. It’s early days in the John and Sherlock relationship, and Sherlock doesn’t quite know how to ask for what he wants yet.  Luckily John is an excellent mind reader.  Fluff fluff fluff.  It’s only barely in need of the mature rating; just some fleeting words that I thought warranted it.

14 Lavender Roses (1,002 words, teen):  I wrote this on Valentine’s Day because the spirit of the holiday moved me.  Or maybe because I had nothing better to do (shhh).  John keeps finding roses all over the flat in the two weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day.  Honestly, this is just more fluff fluff fluff because I can.

A Suitable Stain (7,647 words, explicit):  I wrote this a while back, when sugar daddy John was still a pretty big kink in the fandom.  Admittedly, it’s still a pretty big kink of mine aldsfjadsf.  This is just pure smut.  Literal porn without plot.  I cannot be any clearer about this; there is absolutely no plot.  It’s just a younger barista Sherlock (I think I mention that in this one?) and an older well-established doctor John.  I should point out that the word “daddy” is not used once in case that squicks you out.

So that’s that!  I dunno who to tag.  Ummm @hushwatson @highfunctioninggaybaby @silentauroriamthereal and idk who else.  If you’ve already been tagged or you don’t want to do this just ignore me alsdfjasdf.  :D

anonymous asked:

rachell do you have any tips for writing about a character with depression? i've kinda searched some things online but you capture the realism of it so well and i want to learn how to do that too in my writing ahhh

honestly it’s kind of hard to describe unless you have really experienced it yourself you know? but i think the MAIN thing to remember is that depression just doesn’t ‘go away’ that easily. a lot of people romanticize the shit out of it where they’ll make it be some amazing thing, when really it’s awful. Also i’ve noticed a lot of people make it to where the character meets the love interest and their depression is cured. it doesn’t really work like that. 

I’m going to write a few things about depression from my experiences. Depression makes you really tired. ALL the time. It doesn’t matter how much you sleep, you’ll always be tired. Once I slept for 16 hours and woke up for two hours and then took another nap. It happens a lot. You don’t really want to get out of bed and it’s a struggle to do so. Taking showers is hard. Eating is hard sometimes. You have to remind yourself to eat a lot. Sometimes I’ve gone the entire day and at nine pm my stomach rumbles and i go “oh my god i forgot to eat”. There’s good days that dont seem quite as bad of course, but there is usually an underlying emotion of sadness, and there’s not really a particular reason why. You don’t really want to DO anything and people call you lazy but really it’s because you’re wallowing in your own self pity. I also know a lot of people with depression who befriend other people with depression and they all wallow in self pity together. Like, my friends are all depressed and we go to each others houses and watch sad movies, joke about wishing to die, and don’t talk for three hours. It’s nice to have people to understand what you’re going through.

I guess that’s all i have for now? i hope this has helped give you some insight! let me know if you have anymore questions

V, Saeran and RFA reacting to and then taking care of a MC who has intensively bad periods. (pain so bad causes vomiting and not being able to stand)

Chose this purely because cramps are killing me atm


  • Yoosung has a sister, so he’s seen her suffer
  • Okay more like him suffering because his sister got bad mood swings and rarely got cramps
  • But he didn’t know that it could get as bad as you got it
  • You got extremely fatigued and nauseous, sometimes almost to the point of fainting
  • Not wanting anything bad to happen to you, he’d take a complete break from LOLOL and studies for a bit
  • He’d keep you in bed and make sure you were very hydrated, but didn’t know what else to do
  • For your sake, he calls his sister and mother to ask them for advice on how to care for you (despite their teasing and his blushing red face)
  • The meals he made you were light so it wouldn’t make you feel too sick
  • As embarrassed as he would to do it, he’d still go on pad/tampon run and bring home a big box of chocolates for you
  • This sweet boy secretly feels manlier since he’s able to help his girlfriend through this


  • Jaehee has her period too, she knows how the normal pain is
  • Her period gives her back pains most times
  • But damn, she’s never seen someone who has it as bad as you
  • You were in such pain from cramps that you literally couldn’t stand
  • Honestly, she has so much pity because she can’t even dare compare this to her back
  • She probably digs through all her cabinets to find the strongest medicine she has
  • And if she has to work that day, she’ll call in on you constantly to check up on you
  • She’ll also pick up anything at the store on the way back along with even stronger medicine
  • Baehee’s mother instincts baby you whenever she can and brings out all her heating/cooling pads and junk food
  • She’ll do whatever she can before the pain wears away after the first few days


  • His past girlfriends all had relatively normal periods, so he never really had to worry about it (along with the fact that he didn’t know much about them)
  • But he feels absolutely terrible when he found out that your back killed you to no end
  • He suggests that maybe some exercise would help, but shuts it completely down when you tell him that it’s already excruciatingly painful to walk
  • So instead, he instructs you to just lie on your stomach until he comes back from the convenience store
  • Zen is best boyfriend like literally has no shame buying pads/tampons for you 
  • Picks up a heating pad and goes out of his way to buy a ton on goldfish bread for you
  • Did I mention that his back massages are heavenly?
  • Because all your back pains will go away just from that, trust me


  • When Jumin woke up at 4 am to find you hunched over the toilet vomiting, he immediately went to hold up your hair and phone in a doctor
  • After inspecting you and giving you some medication, she explained that you were one of the unlucky women during the menstrual cycle
  • She gave him instructions and tips on how to care for you and went on her way
  • Jumin spent no expense to make sure you were in the least pain possible and to make sure you were more comfortable
  • Sweet man even took his work home so he could look after you
  • He got you whatever you needed and even had the nutritionists and chefs arrange a special meal plan for when your period came
  • You even got the fancy barf bags that are lined with plastic inside or top notch medication
  • If you wanted something like real Belgian chocolate, he can (and will) have it imported in less than 5 minutes if you so desired 
  • Your period is more of a luxury than a pain at this point


  • Normally he would joke around about this kind of stuff, but when he saw how bad your period was, he truly wished that he could take the pain for you
  • He found you curled up in the bed, tears rolling down your face, trying to get through an intense headache
  • Immediately would rush to the store to grab everything he think you’d need
  • Ice packs, heat packs, headache medicine, period medicine, pads/tampons, the period cup, he’s grabbing everything off the shelf at this point
  • This man will come home and absolutely baby you
  • If it doesn’t discomfort you, he’d definitely cuddle you and maybe even hum until the medicine starts to take effect
  • He honestly feels awful that you’re in so much pain though
  • Saeyoung will utterly spoil you in his love


  • Jihyun is the kind of boyfriend to keep a pad/tampon on his person just in case of emergencies #blesshissoul
  • With Rika, she got very depressed during her period, but with you, your cramps kept you awake throughout the night
  • You would get sleepless nights every time because of the pain and that leads to no good health
  • Since he’s such a sweet person, he’d do everything in his power to help you sleep
  • Get Jumin to buy good medicines, make really good homemade soup, light scented candles, play soft music, get the fluffy pillows and blankets, and most importantly: cuddle you
  • He’ll hold you in bed and hum along with the music until he knows you’re asleep and out of pain
  • And he can’t have the sun be in pain


  • His experience with periods is little to none
  • So he doesn’t really know what he can do for you when your back is preventing you from getting up
  • You really just have to tell him what he’d have to do and he’d complain and do it
  • But the moment he sees you teary-eyed from intense pain, all complaints stop and he’s completely obliged
  • The only way you’re getting out of bed is over his dead body, that’s for sure
  • He feels kinda awkward when he send him to fetch supplies, but when somebody made fun of him they got cussed out
  • Nobody made a comment to him after that
  • Think of his comfort like somebody awkwardly patting you on the back since they don’t know what else to do
  • His heart is in the right place though, and he’s doing what he can <3
Childhood love (Ethan)

request: (dolan-mendes) hey! your imagines are amazing and i enjoy them a lot :) i was wondering if you could write an imagine about Ethan and the reader and how her and the twins played lacrosse in NJ and they were all really close but haven’t seen each other since they moved to LA, and whenever they visit NJ, she seems to be in FL visiting family but next time the twins visit she’s outside playing lax and Ethan realizes the crush he had on her and confesses and all that fluffy stuff omG

a/n: aw thanks gf i’m glad you like them & i loveeee this request enjoyyyyyyy xxx p.s. we have the same name hehehe xx


word count: 880

Originally posted by pix3lh3arts

Ethan, Grayson and I spent our entire childhood together. We lived across the street from each other, went to the same schools and played lacrosse together. Our parents are great friends, Cameron even dated my older brother for about 5 minutes when they were 12. We were best friends our whole lives, well up until they blew up on social media and moved to LA. We always said we would stay in touch and I guess we did but no where as much as I had hoped. They came back to NJ pretty often but it was usually on holidays and I spent most those holidays with my family in Florida. I hadn’t seen them in about a year. I could feel us drifting and it really hurt. I didn’t have many friends, especially without those boys. I stood up for them when no one else did and for that it meant that there were a lot of people in this town that didn’t like me. 

It was late afternoon, I was out in the back yard practicing lacrosse when I heard a familiar voice call my name. I spun around, it was Ethan. My jaw dropped in shock as I dropped my stick. Ethan smiled brightly at me. I screamed with excitement and ran up to him wrapping him in a giant hug.

“Oh my god I missed you! What are you doing here? Why didn’t you tell me!” I squealed in excitement.

“We wanted to surprise you. But I missed you more.” He said softly. I stared deeply into his eyes, arms still wrapped around his neck. We stayed like that for almost too long, just staring at each other. I quickly backed up a bit.

“Uh is Grayson here too?” I asked him, feeling really awkward suddenly.

“Yeah, he’s inside, wan’t to come over?” He said. I smiled softly. Things felt a little better now as we strolled across the street to his house. Grayson was standing in the doorway and ran up to me, picking me up and spinning me around. I was so happy they were back. 

We spent the entire night together, they invited me to stay over. Grayson had to edit one of their videos so I sat in Ethan’s room with him and we talked for hours. About everything in each others lives we had missed. He had really grown up since I last saw him and my god was he beautiful. Was that weird to think? I stared at him in awe. His deep voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

“So, what about your love life, anyone special?” He asked me with a smirk. I laughed in my head. 

“E, everyone in this city hates me. I’ve been alone since you guys left. But um how about you? All those gorgeous models in LA…” I said, I didn’t mean it come out as depressing as it sounded. He kind of shrugged off the first part.

“Nope, no one there interests me.” He replied, I got that awkward, stuck swimming in his eyes feeling. 

“To be honest, you are the only girl I have ever really had a connection with.” He stated. I didn’t really know what to say. Did he mean that in just a friendly way or something else? 

“I really missed you you know.” I said quietly. He smiled, I thought he would say it back but he didn’t he lent in and placed a small kiss on my lips. My eyes widened. What was happening. He leant away and started fumbling around feeling super awkward. But I wanted this. I leaped forward and grabbed his face in my hands pulling him in for a passionate kiss. He relaxed into it. Everything fell into place, I could stay like this forever. We both eventually pulled away.

“I missed you too.” He said finally. I sighed and smiled. 

“I’m serious y/n. I always thought I just really liked you as a friend. I thought our connection that we have literally had for years was just a friendly thing. But when I saw you today after so long and after not being able to find anyone even close to you I realized. I realized that you are everything I have ever wanted. I missed you so much and I don’t want to leave you again.” He poured his heart out. I smiled and tears welled up in my eyes.

“E, I don’t know what to say.” I blurted out. Everything seemed right but it was happening so fast.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. Just stay here with me tonight, you can tell me how you feel in the morning.” He insisted. I rested my head on his chest. I just laid there thinking for a while. This is what I want, everything I want. 

“Ethan,” I said as I sat up and looked into his eyes. He raised an eyebrow at me, instructing me to continue.

“I love you. Always have always will.” I said quietly. I looked down, too scared to see the awkwardness on his face. I didn’t know what he would say. He lifted up my chin with his thumb and kissed me softly.

“I love you more.” He whispered as he pulled away. 

we need to talk

(About that last ask. I handled it poorly and hastily because it pissed me off.)

You guys know I rarely post asks like the one I just did because, for the most part, I try to keep that kind of negativity off this blog or I respond with something funny because it’s cathartic.

I never mean for any of these stories to upset people. Especially people who have been through awful things and deal with that every day of their lives.

I’ve touched on my bipolar and anxiety before and to an extent some of the abuse when I was young and am no stranger to panic attacks, but I know how lucky I am that it isn’t worse.

My brother, on the other hand, has PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and crippling depression. I watched him go through panic attacks and terrifying flashbacks for over a decade and subsequently destroy his life because he never took the help that was offered to him.

Abuse is not something I take lightly. I’ve been accused of putting it in stories for dramatic effect (like in always you and now ttb) but it’s something that I write about because, to the best of my abilities, understand it.

It is a very real, very serious thing that needs to be talked about and acknowledged, not swept under the rug in favor of thinking about, reading, writing nothing but happy things.

There is ignorance that comes from lack of knowledge and lack of experience, and of course, that last part is a good thing. No one deserves go through anything like that.

It’s their responsibility to learn, and learn to sympathize.

And there’s willful ignorance that comes from genuinely not caring or some sense of superiority. Really, that’s all well and good, live in your bubble, have your opinion. But if you make no effort to understand, keep it to yourself.

If that’s not something you can do, pack your things, get your bitch ass off my blog, and go fuck yourself.

amyames450  asked:

I have to say I got really depressed when I say an article about a black person getting racism in Korea and the comments section was full of people saying that all Koreans are racist and hate black people until I went back to watch the video you made about Korean liking us and I felt very happy. Yes there's racism in Korea but there's also people who love us. Especially the younger generations of Koreans are more open to us. Anyway your blog make me happy and confident.

Aw thank you! Yes sadly there’s racism everywhere but there’s also a lot of kind people of other races out there that have our back. I’ve met a lot of sweet Asian people in my life

A Mid-Summers Nightmare Pt.1

One Shot
Summary: Dean x Reader, Sam, Joe, Ellen, Bobby, and my own character Jeff.  Dean gets brainwashed into loving another woman by an evil Cupid, but you are dating him. You are heart broken. This is kind of like A Mid-Summer Night Dream retake with the love potion idea.

Warnings: Cheating, language

Word count: 2277

This is going to be a series! I hope you like Part 1! I am bringing in flashbacks to where Dean, Sam, and the reader meet as well, so I hope you enjoy that portion.


Originally posted by biancabda

Readers POV

“I really don’t want to go to this,” Dean complained loudly while driving the car. I hear Sam laughing from the back seat.

“You have to go! It’s kind of a tradition that our ‘family’ of hunters gets together once a year to talk and revisit one another. I have done it since I was 5, and you have done it since you were 3, so we are expected to go.” I said laughing at how much Dean was complaining.

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anonymous asked:

Damn that Lance hallucination fic idea got me fucking GOOD. What if he only agrees to after the hallucinations start getting REALLY bad, like, constantly shifting between the warm memories of his home and family to really freaky ones, like Yume Nikki style kind of freaky?

Thanks man! And I’ve never seen it but I think I get what you mean and wow that would be awful!

Maybe things start getting glitchy or things aren’t right like the hallucination is slowing down or twisting things to become more of a nightmare than a visit home. But of course it’ll take time to get that way.

Perhaps his family members are getting a little more off every time he sees them, the expressions are becoming more malicious or depressed. Maybe they start mixing with each other where he isn’t sure who he’s talking to, or some people are just missing. They just don’t look right, don’t sound right, don’t even move right as they distort their motions.

Or what if his surroundings start breaking apart? Or begin to have unexplained objects that are either really weird, break the laws of physics or are just extremely dangerous. And he just can’t help but have his attention taken up by all of these differences.

Eventually it might become a shifting and weird hell scape that just barely clings to his old home.

I mean what is the effect this plant was supposed to create in the first place? It could be a drug or it could be a defence mechanism so they can’t touch more of those flowers or pick them. What if the hallucinations are supposed to leave an impression like if you touch this plant you will see things that will haunt you forever.

Not sure if that’s yume nikki but I’m sure it’d still suck to live in.

anonymous asked:

Hi there, I just wanted to message to say I hope you are doing well. I am proud of you for sharing your situation you didn't need to do that but it means so much to us as fans that you have. I know how hard it is to share all that, I haven't got that far yet but knowing you have and are making steps to get better really helps me feel like I can too and that I'm not always going to feel like this. I really hope you are on the mend. Sending all of my love and best wishes 💙 xx

aw, thank you so much 

i have to say, literally everyone in this corner of the internet has been absolutely kind and lovely about it, which is heartwarming as hell for me, both on a humanist level and on a “oh my goodness are we as a society improving our attitudes about mental health??” level

also, hearing the number of people who have come forward to say “hey, i’ve been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and medication helps and i STILL sometimes wrestle with doubt about if i’m actually a Real Mentally Ill Person Or Just Bad” has given me perspective on my own doubts and self-hatred. like honestly the more open these conversations can be, the less shame i feel. 

thanks again bb! warmest wishes to you as well on your journey! <3 remember no matter how horribly lonely it might sometimes feel, you are never ever alone

anonymous asked:

Wait, so you don't have BPD but you want to write parse with bpd as your representation? How does that work? I'm really sorry, I like your Parse stories and read them and I don't mean to say that you shouldn't write them, but I don't understand where you're coming from on this. Is it really that difficult to identify with any of the characters of color on the same level?

I’ll answer your questions backwards so the long personal story can go under a readmore:

“Is it really that difficult to identify with any of the characters of color on the same level?“

That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the last few weeks. Like, mental health is my wheelhouse, that’s a huge thing I write about; what about writing mentally ill characters of colour?  I can do it pretty easily with my OCs (cf. Luis and Maida) but feeling my way into mental health themes with canon characters of colour is more difficult while Kent and Jack are kind of like… low-hanging fruit, for me.

It’s why I’ve started bugging @abominableobriens with thoughts about BPD Nursey, gone back to trying to work my way into Ransom’s anxiety (I can’t find the post where I talk about where I was with this a couple months ago).  It’s not a smooth process, though–I’m flopping around being like “but how do I respect Ransom’s personality and preferences but get him some TREATMENT and REST” and “Okay but I haaate conflict-laden relationships and Nursey and Dex’s canon relationship is so full of sniping, how do I write Nursey without Dex?” and that’s the kind of flailing and experimentation I have to do internally or talking to a few people. Mostly the for-public-consumption stuff that’s come out of that process so far has been fluffy romantic headcanons.

So we’ll see how that goes. It’s partly that positive depictions of BPD/the kind of complex trauma I’m interested in are really rare. Before OMGCP, I spent most of my time writing straight-up OCs in fandom contexts because I couldn’t find what I wanted in the source material.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oookay, and now for the long bit: Why I care really personally about representations of BPD even though I don’t have it myself.

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clarrolx  asked:

I hope you feel better soon! Depression is hard, especially when it comes and goes, even when everything is fine (or not.) Your art remains as lovely as ever though ^^ the colors you choose and the expressions are all so nice and I feel like I really feel the emotions of the characters you draw in your work. Giggling or smiling or being awed or sad just from looking at a picture is amazing and I'm really happy your art makes me feel that. I hope you have a better time soon

oh thank u so much for this super kind message!!💖💖💖💖 i don’t know how to express my gratitude but rlly this means so so much to me :,,)


First of all, I’ve received so many kind messages of people praising the fic and I promise I’ll get around to answering them soon! But for nos just know that I appreciate everyone who is supporting this fic!

I’m starting to feel a bit better and I want to start being more productive rather than take depression naps all day lmao. So I’m going to try to write the next chapter tomorrow. My only problem is I’ve kind of hit a road block in the story where I don’t know where to take it. So, I need some feedback from y'all. Would you like a section of the next chapter to be from Professor Kwon’s perspective? Or does that sound like an awful idea?

anonymous asked:

I'm writing a story and I could use some help. In the story there are two friends, they're really close almost like brothers. At the end of the story the main character finds out his friend has actually been doing awful things (stalking, threatening him and people he cares about, etc.) How can I give the readers subtle hints that the one friend is obsessive/possessive of the main character And how can I write that the protagonist kind of over looks him or takes him for granted?

Okay! Becmfore i start im obviously gonna tag this one for triggwr warnings: warning for abuse. Both physical and mental. Manipulation. Isolation. And depression! Be careful guys,i dont want to harm ir trigger anyone!

Okay, do all the stuff you just told me they do; the stalking, threatening, and isolating them.but tone it down a little. Make it smaller on the paper,and larger off. It’s not uncommon for abusive traits to slip by unnoticed if you do them them a certain way. If you do these things, but play it off a bit like they are doing it to be nice. Then your character would never know. In my experience, there are a few signs of abuse that if done a certain way, can be disguised as love.

1. Control. Controlling your partners life, and their schedule down to every last detail. All the whens, whys, what’s, where’s and who. Things like planning out their weekly schedule and not letting them be around other people. There is a huge difference between “sweetheart, can you do some grocery shopping tomorrow? We are out of a couple things.” And “honey, I’m gonna have you go to the market down the street tomorrow morning at 9 am. I need you back by 11 no later. I’ve made out a list of everthing you need to get.” There’s also a difference between “I know you had plans today, but I’m not feeling well. Could you stay home with me?” And “I don’t want you to go hangout with them. You don’t need them. Stay here with me. I’ll be so hurt and lonely if you leave.” The second ones don’t have to have controlling or abusive undertones. Unless you make it clear with other abusive like actions. Their are people who like to be precise and punctual and orderly. The difference is the intention, and the build up of everything they do.

2. Isolation. A common thing in abusive relationships is for the abuser to try and isolate their partner so that they have no one to rely on but them. And isolation can be as subtle as things like “I don’t think they’re good for you. They are a bad influence on you, they’ll help you get no where in life.” Or “why are you friends with them? They have never done anything for you and look at everything you do for them.” Making the other people in their lives seem like the villains. And usually leaving the victim with no one but their abuser. Making it harder to see the relationship clearly and hard to break away.

3. Guilttrips. “I don’t know what I’d do if you ever left me. I’d probably die without you.” This is a big one. Guilt tripping someone into staying with you, making them fear what could possibly happen if they left you. This can be used really subtly as ‘what would I do without you?’ Can be dropped casually and often.

4. Need to know and often pushing the limits for that knowledge. Pushing someone out of their comfort zone just for them to admit something is a huge no-no.

5. Demanding. No longer asking for things. But expecting them and demanding them. A form of control. Demanding someone do something,demanding their attention, demanding their presence repeatedly and without the others consent or care can definitely be abusive.

penthegreenfox  asked:

How would Noodle comfort her S/O after they had a bad week...? I kind of need it.

Aw, I hope that if you had a bad week, it got better! 


  • When you came over to the studio, you weren’t as lively as you usually were. You had a stoic and almost depressed aura. 
  • Noodle didn’t know what was wrong but she tried to get it out of you. You were her significant other and whatever problems you had became hers as well. 
  • After you told her, she held you for a long time and told you that she would help you with whatever was bothering you. 
  • Once you were laying on her bed watching TV, Noodle came up to you with a guitar and started singing to you. 
  • You had tears in your eyes and kissed Noodle with every fiber of your being. How did you end up to be so lucky? 

haven’t really been on here much in the last while… slowly coming out of a really awful depressive slump and was kind of hypomanic before that, had strep for like 3 weeks in april, feeling pretty isolated, went to the hospital 5 times in the last 2 & ½ weeks, learning to accept that my diagnosis of bipolar disorder, adjusting to new meds, trying to just get through every day right now and be hopeful.