5 Reason’s Why Supernatural is the Gayest Show on Television (That’s Still Stuck in the Closet)
To start with, I’m not delusional. I’m fully aware that the studio and execs have settled into a comfortable pattern with Supernatural, and especially considering it’s heavily mixed demographic (interestingly, it was ranked a favorite among republicans and democrats in 2016) they’re unlikely to rock the ship with a canonically queer relationship between two of it’s main characters.
However, it’s important to understand exactly how much queerness is bubbling beneath the thick surface layer of “no homo:” from the orgies of male-on-male eyesex to the inspiration for most of its main characters, Supernatural is queer to its very core.
Here are five (blaring but stubbornly unacknowledged) reasons why:
1. Dean’s gratuitously bisexual inspiration.
Whenever someone claims a queer interpretation of Dean is baseless, I’m always happy to direct them straight to his flamingly bisexual source: Dean Moriarty, his namesake and direct inspiration, a la the novel On the Road.
Admittedly, I read On the Road and didn’t particularly enjoy it, as I found it to be a somewhat masturbatory reassertion of masculinity for its narrator, Sal Paradise. Sal idolizes and fixates the charismatic Dean and his promiscuous lifestyle, openly having sex with and impregnating multiple women, and is all around a heterosexual power figure…right up until the point at which Dean propositions a male prostitute.
Though he’s never shown doing anything gratuitous with male characters (since the book was published in the 1960s, it wouldn’t have been legal to) it’s clear that Dean is very much bisexual, not ashamed of it, and in terms of personality, very similar to Dean. There are a few key differences (Dean Moriarty, for example, legitimately gives zero fucks about anything, whereas Dean Winchester is secretly a little ball of anxiety with the weight of the world on his shoulders) but it’s clear where Eric Kripke got his inspiration from.
Moreover, Dean Moriarty was in turn based off of the real life bisexual counterculturist Neal Cassady, who among other things had a twenty-year sexual relationship with a male poet. Here, he is pictured in a Denver mugshot:
So next time someone tells you the homoerotic subtext of Supernatural exists only in the imagination of rabid fangirls, remember that Dean is the direct descendant of two ragingly bisexual icons.
2. Castiel (or at least his wardrobe) was also based off of a bisexual character.
For a show so aggressively devoted to a “no homo” interpretation, it has a real propensity to drawing inspiration from queer characters: everyone’s favorite baby in a trench coat, for example, was modeled after the demon-busting John Constantine from the Hellblazer comics. Yup, another bisexual.
Though in true assbutt fashion, his love of men is censored in movie and TV adaptions, Constantine unabashedly swings both ways in paper form – a.k.a. where Kripke found inspiration for Castiel’s look. Here, we see him platonically receiving a man-hug from one of his bros:
So I’m not saying the fact that two out of three main characters are modeled after canonically queer figures could have anything to do with Supernatural’s gratuitous queer subtext, but y’know. It might.
3. Cas himself is sexually complex (and literally cannot be straight.)
Dean has made reference to the fact that he “doesn’t swing that way” (ironically, both of which times he was literally in the midst of blatantly flirting with men.)
Cas, however, has no such reservations: he’s never indicated, vocally or otherwise, a preference towards either gender, so much as outright declaring that he doesn’t give a damn.
He reacts to male and female flirtation much the same way: just try and tell me his suspicious glower and Mick wasn’t similar to Mandy the waitress (and try and tell me they both weren’t acting like they’d like to eat him for dinner.)
Moreover, the only time we’ve seen him ever achieve some kind of intimacy with female characters is when they’re literally throwing themselves at him. Hey, he’s an aesthetically pleasing fellow – or rather, an aesthetically pleasing something.
Which brings me to my next point that he isn’t really a fellow at all: Cas not only gives zero fucks about sexual orientation, he also gives zero fucks about gender. Sure, he’ll spend seven years in the same ill-fitting trench coat, but he’ll also rock a petticoat like nobody’s business.
I’ve discovered that the writer for “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets,” Steve Yockey, is a gay man, which honestly makes it all the more perfect: not only does it establish the Orlando-esque flexibility (or nonexistence) of Cas’s gender, but it eliminates the possibility of his straightness.
And I want Destiel to be canon as much as anybody, but am I opposed to Cas being a genderfluid lesbian? No. No, I am not.
4. Dean can textually be interpreted as bisexual (and probably should be.)
For anyone who questions whether Dean not being straight as an arrow, I’m happy to point out some very canon things that happened on the show:
And yes, when feeling threatened, he’s professed not to swing that way. But you know how many queer people I know who have at one point felt compelled to lie about our sexual orientation? Every single one. And I live in the bluest of blue states – Dean was raised in Bible Belt America and spends most of his time in the Southwest. Not to mention the fact that he was raised during the heat of the AIDS academic.
In other words, he has every logical reason to be wary at the prospect of coming out of the closet, or even acknowledging same sex attraction at all.
Moreover it’s been canonically established that Dean has a habit of lying about himself to protect his image of masculinity: according to Dean, he doesn’t do shorts, chick flicks, cucumber water, skinny jeans and sunglasses, and Taylor Swift music. You know how many of those things he loves? All of them.
Finally, not every member of the cast or crew might agree (though I know for a fact that some of them do) but their interpretations do not effect textuality. And Dean can textually be interpreted as bisexual.
5. Dean and Cas make a better couple than any of their love interests.
I’m going to state something I feel is obvious: Cas and Dean have more buildup, tension, chemistry, emotional connection, and romantic history than literally any of their other interests.
Take Lisa, for example: she’s Dean’s longest lasting introduced as female partner, and she’s introduced as the “bendiest weekend of his life.”
Furthermore, I’d argue that sexual attraction notwithstanding, Dean was never romantically in love with Lisa. To him, she epitomizes his desire for a mother figure, a home, and his lost childhood, as is best demonstrated in his fantasy from “Dream a Little Dream of Me:” Lisa isn’t a seductive or romantic figure here – she’s a maternal one.
Though since Dean has never had a long lasting relationship (or, to my belief, been completely in love with a girl) it’s easy to see how he’d misinterpret these feelings as romantic love.
Then we have Cas, who’s introduced by pulling Dean from the depths of hell, who makes most one-on-one scenes with Dean look like a soft core porno, and who recently (canonically!) declared his love for Dean.
I don’t dislike Lisa, but it’s easy to see which of the two relationships is more three-dimensional, more original, and more worthy of screentime.
hey guys, just thought i’d whip together a list of some of my favourite authors most motivational quotes. i especially love using these in bullet journal spreads. hope everyone is having a wonderful new year!
“we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”
“always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much”
“with freedom, books, flowers and the moon, who could not be happy?”
“to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance”
“be yourself; everyone else is already taken”
“to live is the rarest thing in the world. most people exist, that is all”
“it is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it"
"you can never be overdressed or overeducated”
“yes: i am a dreamer. for a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world”
"there is no subject so old that something new cannot be said about it"
“power is given only to those who dare to lower themselves and pick it up. only one thing matters, one thing; to be able to dare”
“happiness does not lie in happiness, but in the achievement of it”
“the cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month”
“to live without hope is to cease to live”
“i am tomorrow, or some future day, what i establish today. i am today what i established yesterday or some previous day”
“a man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors… are the portals of discovery”
“he found in the world without as actual what was in his world within as possible”
“life is the great teacher”
“the sun himself is weak when he first rises, and gathers strength and courage as the day gets on”
“there are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast”“a loving heart is the truest wisdom”
“i ask only to be free. the butterflies are free”
“we forge the chains we wear in life”
“an idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself”
“no one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else”
“start with what is right, rather than with what is acceptable”
“anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old”
“logic may indeed be unshakeable, but it cannot withstand a man who is determined to live”
“a book should serve as the axe for the frozen sea within us”
“believing in progress does not mean believing that any progress has yet been made”
“my ‘fear’ is my substance, and probably the best part of me”
“we sit in the mud, my friend, and reach for the stars”
“if we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin”
“time sometimes flies like a bird, and sometimes crawls like a worm, but people may be unusually happy when they do not even notice if time has gone quickly or slowly”
“don’t be ruled by others; to belong to oneself- the whole savour of life lies in that”
“we’re young, we’re not monsters, no fools: we’ll conquer happiness for ourselves”
“happiness can exist only in finding acceptance"
"the essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection”
“freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear”
“laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face”
“music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent”
“curiosity is one of the forms of feminine bravery”
“to learn to read is to light a fire; every syllable that is spelled out is a spark”
“to love beauty is to see light”
“adversity makes men”
“our acts make or mar us, we are the children of our own deeds”
“there is nothing like a dream to create the future”
“all the forces in the world are not as powerful as an idea whose time has come”
based on this suggestions blog. warning: these are pretty dark/angry & could be triggering to some people. please be cautious before proceeding!!
‘ all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly & me to not flinch away without meaning to. when will this stop affecting me? ’ ‘ all i want is to be soft & gentle, but i’m made out of steel & anger. maybe in another life, i guess. ’ ‘ beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so choose to see beauty in everything. ’ ‘ burning it all to the ground & force them to start again. they made you lose everything. now return the favor. ’ ‘ do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own? ’ ‘ do you trust me enough? do you trust me at all? ’ ‘ don’t you dare abandon me. ’ ‘ even after all you have done, i will always want you fighting on my side. ’ ‘ every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again. ’ ‘ everyone i have ever loved is long gone. i sing to the sky alone. ’ ‘ everyone i touch gets hurt, but i can’t stop. i touch & i touch & i touch & people get hurt. why can’t i ever stop? ’ ‘ everyone says i used to be a hero, but i can still taste the blood in my mouth & still feel bruises blooming because of my fists & my eyes are still stretched wide & terrified. ’ ‘ everything i love has been taken from me. what do i have left to fight for? ’ ‘ fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong. ’ ‘ friends are more important than any material object will ever be. ’ ‘ i am aching to hold you & keep you safe, to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you. ’ ‘ i am divine & you will bow before me. ’ ‘ i am fucking divine. ’ ‘ i am in control & i listen to no one. ’ ‘ i am not a good person. don’t pretend i am. ’ ‘ i am not accustomed to love. this is a learning experience. ’ ‘ i am not worth saving & i am not worth redemption. let me stay in the dark. ’ ‘ i am so tired all the time, all i want to do is rest. ’ ‘ i am too tired to deal with any of this. ’ ‘ i bow to no man. ’ ‘ i broke into sharp pieces when i broke & i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together. i’m sorry. ’ ‘ i can give you your wings back & i can show you to fly once more, if you only believe in me. ’ ‘ i cannot be saved. ’ ‘ i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people. i can bear this weight on my own. i have to. ’ ‘ i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you, but i loved you too much to notice. ’ ‘ i crave affection in the simplest way. ’ ‘ i deserve to hurt. i deserve to bleed. ’ ‘ i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me. ’ ‘ i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer, as long as it leaves your lips. ’ ‘ i don’t fight for you anymore. ’ ‘ i don’t want to let go of you. not now, not ever. ’ ‘ i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to remember. i don’t want to heal. all i want is for it to go away. ’ ‘ i don’t want you to touch me. please don’t touch me, just go away. ’ ‘ i feel anger deeper than my bones. i feel anger in my very soul. ’ ‘ i feel nothing at all, except for when i feel everything all at once. ’ ‘ i have fallen & though i may miss the sky, i belong here now. ’ ‘ i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine. ’ ‘ i have no home anymore. ’ ‘ i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand & then i remember nothing. ’ ‘ i see beauty in everything, but especially in you. ’ ‘ i should never have fallen in love with you. ’ ‘ i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me. now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away. ’ ‘ i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe. ’ ‘ i will never amount to anything. i am a failure in the worst type of way. ’ ‘ i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me & maybe someday it will be true. ’ ‘ if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore. ’ ‘ if you ask me to, i will set the whole world on fire, my dear. it’s all for you. ’ ‘ is it my fault? it’s my fault. it’s always my fault. ’ ‘ it’s not murder if they deserved it, right? ’ ‘ i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me, choking on anger & suffocating on sadness. ’ ‘ i’m in love with everything that hurts me. ’ ‘ i’m okay. i’m alright. this is all in my mind. ’ ‘ i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me. ’ ‘ i’m so cold & i can’t stop shaking. i am not who you think i am. ’ ‘ i’m so tired all the time & i just want to be awake again. ’ ‘ i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten. i just want someone to remember me. ’ ‘ i’m tired of fighting everything in my life. just make it stop. ’ ‘ i’m too tired to care. blow up, get angry at me. i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it. ’ ‘ jealousy burns within me. ’ ‘ just let me go in peace for once in my damn life. ’ ‘ loneliness is a disease & it leaves me empty & hollow, like sound goes through my body & bounces back. ’ ‘ made of starlight & sunshine, i shine brighter than they all know. ’ ‘ my anger is righteous & my actions are pure. ’ ‘ my chest aches & my lungs burn. this sickness comes from the inside. ’ ‘ my chest hurts & all i need is some comfort & understanding. ’ ‘ my chest hurts & i ache to go back to the sky. ’ ‘ my shoulders are aching where wings used to be & all i want is for them to stop hurting. ’ ‘ pull me apart & piece me together in your own way. make me perfect. ’ ‘ righteous fury throws through my veins & if you touch the people i love i will destroy you. ’ ‘ rise up. you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more. ’ ‘ say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue. ’ ‘ so much blood has been spilled in my name. time to make you believe it was in yours. ’ ‘ so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent, but not when i scream & plead for help? fuck off. ’ ‘ sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want. ’ ‘ stay away from my fucking friends. stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you. ’ ‘ stop treating me like i’m an idiot. you aren’t better than me in any way & you better remember that. ’ ‘ the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue. ’ ‘ the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it. ’ ‘ to love them is my divine right. ’ ‘ voices whisper from the shadows & they fill my mind with thoughts of you. ’ ‘ what did i to wrong to be so unloved? ’ ‘ what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it? ’ ‘ who the fuck do you think you are? ’ ‘ why can’t i ever fucking stop crying? ’ ‘ with a new year comes new tests & triumphs. let’s try to make the most out of it. ’ ‘ would it really kill you to be honest for once? ’ ‘ yes, i remember my wings breaking & being destroyed. i was powerless to stop it. ’ ‘ you are not required to love your parents, or to even like them. ’ ‘ you can’t hate me more than i hate myself, but you are more than welcome to try. ’ ‘ you may say you love me, but you love only a part of me. i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being. ’ ‘ you never fucking cared about me. don’t fucking lie about it. not to me. ’ ‘ you remind me of mint. fresh, sharp, kind of cold, but in a nice way. i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite. ’ ‘ you shine light in even the darkest parts of me. you are my sun. ’ ‘ you should fear me, but you don’t. i will be eternally puzzled, yet grateful. ’ ‘ you touch me & my skin burns & it burns for you, always you. ’
I will find you, I promise. If I must endure two hundred years of purgatory, two hundred years without you - then that is my punishment, which I have earned for my crimes. For I have lied, and killed, and stolen; betrayed and broken trust. But there is the one thing that shall lie in the balance. When I shall stand before God, I shall have one thing to say, to weigh against the rest. Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God! I loved her well.
Summary: Soulmates’ worlds go from black and white to colors when they are in the same room for the first time. Bucky is a famous actor in the middle of a convention, trying to find his soulmate, you.
Word Count: 2,232
A/N: This is a re-write of a Dean W. fic and I hope you all like it :D
Bucky took a swig of water,
tightening the cap on the bottle before setting it to the side. His
meet-and-greet was about to start. He could hear the bustling of the crowd
right outside the door and took a deep breath. Alongside him was Clint, a
“You doing okay, buddy?” asked
Clint, eyes concerned as he placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.
Bucky smiled. “Yeah, I’m alright.”
After a few minutes, Nat Romanoff
and Sam Wilson took their seats next to each other and the writer of the show,
Bucky’s oldest friend, Steve Rogers, emerged from behind the black curtain that
had been put up behind the actors.
Request: Can I get a Sub Jungkook smut where their on the couch and he cums in his pants while the reader is grinding on him on his lap and dirty talks to him in his ear??? Thanks☺️☺️☺️
Word Count: 6.9k words (heh heh)
Let me ruin you goddammit
one thing straight. You never claimed to be a good person, never did charity
work, never been the perfect daughter for your parents. And you sure as hell wasn’t someone’s little
You did what
you want, who you wanted and slipped out of their sheets before they murmur
good morning in your ear. You were a ‘no strings attached’ girl, making sure
that you would never become someone’s puppet. Of course, you weren’t immune to
the disease called ‘love’, your innocent high school days plagued with your
naive mindset of finding the ‘one’. It still haunts you, one of the reasons
your night doesn’t end with a shot of whisky and half a pack of beer. The only
person who was willing to put up with you was your best friend, Jungkook.
Suho: D.O. Please say something
Jongin: Do you think you are cute?
Chen: How can you say he’s not cute when he acts like this
Suho & Chen: what if after he’s done showering he acts cute in front of the mirror
Jongin: After showering he comes out and he says “am I cute”
Jongin: When we’re not there and he’s all alone does he ask himself “am I cute”
Suho: D.O. Have you ever done that
Ksoo: No I haven’t~
Suho: That’s a lie~
Chen: Junmyeon hyung have you ever complemented yourself while looking at the mirror
Everyone: YES YOU HAVE
that one scene is dear Evan Hansen where we all cry,,
I’m not doing this, I’m done
You can’t just stop now
There’s no way I can live with this anymore
What about my parents?
No more emails
How can you do this to them?
No more Connor project, no more orchard
After everything they’ve done for you…they need you.
need me for what, for me to keep lying to them?
That lie’s is the only thing that is keeping them together
That’s not- that’s not true.
Oh really? So they seemed like a pretty happy family when you met them?
I don’t wanna lie anymore!
What about Zoe?
Zoe said she just- she wants me.
Yes, yes- she likes me for who I am-
Except you didn’t happen to mention that everything you’ve told her, it’s all been one big fucking lie, did you? No you left that part out.
So then what.. Um.. What if I did her the truth.
She’ll hate you.
No, no, no- maybe she’d understand- Maybe everyone will understand.
Everyone will hate you
Not if I could just-not if I could just explain it
You’ll be right back to where you started
No. No, no, no, I’m done with this. stop
With no more friends, nobody, nothing. At all.
I’m ready to be done with it!
If you really believe that then why are you standing here talking to yourself? Again. You think you’re going to turn around, all of a sudden and start telling everyone the truth. You can’t even tell yourself the truth.
What are you talking about?
How’d you break your arm? How’d you break your arm, Evan?
Really is that what happened?
Yes! I was just- I lost my grip and then I just.. I fell so..
Did you fall? Or did you let go? …you can get rid of me whenever you want. You can get rid of all of it; the Connor project, the orchard. But then all that you’re going to be left with…Is you. End of May or early June, this picture perfect afternoon we shared. Drive the winding country rode, grab a scoop at alamode and then, we’re there.
I created the sugar list out of need. I needed to songs to get ready to, to boost my confidence to, to remember why I had decided to go pro in the first place. Once I started the list, I found myself listening to and discovering new songs to add to the list. It’s an ever growing monster that I hope you enjoy. There are some songs that would be perfect on this playlist that I avoided because I had exhausted their appeal to me and others because I didn’t like the artist or the message they were providing. This list is just a jumping off point. Tweak it to your hearts content.
Whatever You Like- T.I.- Perhaps one of the first songs I ever heard that talked about sugaring. It’s still a dream. A man that will look me in the eye and say I can have whatever I like? Please, sugar gods, please.
Can’t Tell Me Nothing- Kanye West- This is my reminder that I’m not sugaring for accessories. I’m trying to better myself. To get certain things that will advance me towards my goal. To build a business that will get my money so right, I’ll only have men around for giggles.
All N My Grill- Missy Elliott- To the men who want to text and email and date the women they met on SD sites but don’t want to do the one thing that the site says they should be doing. Why aren’t they paying bills?
She Wants to Move- N.E.R.D. - When it’s time for me to leave you, when it’s time for me to dance, you don’t need to come with me, daddy.
About the Money- T.I.- His second feature on this list and perhaps one of the more obvious songs. If it aint about the money, why are we speaking? What else could you possibly offer?
Mascara- Jazmine Sullivan- Perhaps the song that speaks the most blatantly about life as a sugar baby on this list and the song that I think should be the sugar baby anthem, it’s a reminder to always stay well dressed, always stay ready for more.
(Okay, I know this is long; I know. But seriously I can’t help the fact that I want to fill entire books with how adorably cute those two are! <3 So grab your snacks and drinks and dive in hahaha! Also I’m sorry if there are any typos, it’s really late and I’m way tired to notice my mistakes. I hope you all like it guys!!!)
Two days had passed since the night Betty Cooper had
stormed inside the Blue & Gold office like a wild force of nature, catching
Jughead on the act as well as learning about his secret of not having a place
of his own anymore, and coexisting under the same roof was going smoothly for
the two friends. Every morning they would wake up way earlier than most people
in their town, and especially than Betty’s parents, and Jughead, although not
being a morning person, would sneak out with a grateful smile plastered on his
lips and hands full with every new snack Betty seemed to always prepare for him,
and every night she would sneak him back in once she knew her parents were
retired to their bedroom for the night. Their system seemed to be flawless.
Today was a low-key Wednesday night and the first time
they had the house entirely to themselves, since the Coopers had yet another
late night at the newspaper, the two teens finally enjoying some peace and
quiet without closed doors and hush whispers. Betty was sprawled over the bed,
text books and colorful markers all around her as the blonde girl was trying to
finish her homework, elbow holding herself up and chin resting on her palm,
head aching over an answer sheet and calves crossing and uncrossing behind her.
Jughead was over the window with blinds shut – he had made Betty promise that
his secret would stay between them – sitting comfortably on her white desk
chair and having his long legs crossed at the ankles, outstretched against the
wooden window frame, while typing furiously on his laptop that rested on his
lap. Since no one was at home he didn’t have to lurk at his usual booth at
Pop’s. Plus, he found Betty’s presence a very good remedy for writer’s block.
The unfathomable meeting of us still shakes me. How unlikely it was. How exactly perfect in position the universe must have been. How sweet she was when she cradled us both in her palms and said “yes, them.” Because we were 100’s of miles away from each other and years apart. Because you were grown and responsible. Because you’d already found love and lost love and seen the ugliness of that. And I was just starting with it. I’d somehow thought that my heart had been broken already but it was swelling, making room for you and them and all the light you’ve brought into me. So even now, gentle as the night is, while I lie against your side, you softly breathing with sleep, I am astonished and awed at the unlikeliness of it. Of you and me, forever away, in this room now, together.
This is part 2 to this imagine. Hope you enjoy it!
one of the worst things about being in love with your best friend? You can’t
just get away from them. It’s like even if you’re sure that ignoring them will
be helpful, they just won’t take it.
night, a month ago, I’ve been doing everything in my power to get away from
Harry. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him out of my life forever, but just
for a little while so I can try and get over him. Because now he’s engaged, and
trust me, the world doesn’t let me forget this.
been busy with work – or at least that’s what I tell Harry to avoid him – the
world seems to get against me all the time. Fans bombarding my twitter with
questions about his engagement and how I feel about it, Harry and Lexa on the
cover of every magazine, Louis texting me every day asking me how I am doing,
Anne complaining I haven’t been to their family reunion on weekends… It’s tough
to ignore this whole thing when it seems it’s out to get me.
something is wrong. I don’t think he realizes how hurt I am by his decision to
get married to Lexa, but he definitely knows something is wrong. He keeps
texting me, saying he misses me and that he wants me to be part of his wedding.
So far, I’m not even sure if I’ll go to the damn thing.
Will you be free this weekend? Mom said she’ll
be giving a small get together and that she misses you. H
Not sure. Working and
Why are you so distant?
I’ve already told you,
I’m working. Big project.
I’ll be honest and say I miss him. Probably
more than I should. I miss his hugs, I miss his voice, his smile, his
mesmerizing green eyes, his way of making me smile by only looking at me. I
miss him. But I also feel angry. Harry is probably the smartest person I know
and yet he doesn’t realize the mistake he’s making. Lexa doesn’t get him like I
do, she probably doesn’t care for him as much as I do and definitely doesn’t love
him like I do. I guess I am just angry at myself, at the end of the day. I
could have had him. It took me too long to tell him my feelings and he moved
on. No, to someone to move on from someone there has to be feelings involved
and I’m pretty sure he never had those feelings for me.
most of all. It’s hard to ignore the aching feeling in my heart, especially
when I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’ve been on dates the past weeks,
dates that went nowhere. That ended with me in my couch, a bottle of wine, old
photos of Harry and me and many tears. Tears because I miss those times when we’re
inseparable, when it was us against the world. I miss those times when I knew I
could tell him everything. I miss his comfort after heartbreak. But how can I
go to him when the reason I am so devastated is him? Is the fact that he loves
someone else, that he is about to vow infinity love for someone is not me. Is
the fact that even though he knows me so well, he can’t see how this is
breaking me. He is about to be forever hers and all I wish was for him to give
me a chance to make him mine. He can’t fix me when he’s the one who broke me.
I knew I shouldn’t,
it would only make things worse. So I don’t how I ended up sitting in my car,
on Anne’s driveway. I should turn around and go back to my house, but a part of
me didn’t want to. I miss everyone, they’re like family to me. And, most of
all, I miss him. I know very well that for my own sake I should turn around and
run, so why am I walking towards the door?
so good to see you, my darling! I missed you! How are you doing?” Anne hugged me
tight and I couldn’t help the smile that this hug brought to my face. I miss
her more than anything.
Working a lot.” I let go of her and we headed to her living room. Everyone was
there: Gemma, the boys, Lou, Lux and, of course, Harry and Lexa. He looks
amazing and my breath was caught in my through as soon as he headed my way.
you been hiding?!” He hugged me and I let him hold me to his chest. Gosh, how I
missed this. Missed him so close to me. I almost forgot everyone else, but the hug
was shortly broken by Gemma.
so good to see you. How’s work? How’s life?” She hugged me.
saying hello to everyone, Gemma, Louis and I went to the kitchen to grab some
more wine to the others.
doing?” Louis asked me once we were out of reach.
“I drink a
lot, I cry a lot and I work a lot.” I was honest with them. Gemma looked at me
with sadness in her eyes and I knew she wanted nothing more than to me and her
brother to get together and be happy.
you.” Louis told me. “He doesn’t know why you’re pulling away and it’s breaking
him that you’re so distant.”
I felt a
knot in my through and I knew if I keep talking about it, I’ll lose it. I’ll
crumble in a ball of hysterical cries and that would cause a lot of trouble. I
took the wine bottle and went back to the kitchen, to see Lexa showing Anne
pictures of wedding dresses she has been trying on. Anne looked like she couldn’t
care less for what her future to be daughter-in-law was saying, but the scene
itself was enough to halt me in place.
real. He really was getting married. She was already looking at dresses. I
think a part of me always thought he was going to change his mind, or maybe
this whole thing was some kind of sick joke.
Lexa wants you to help with her dress too.” Harry smiled at me, oblivious to
the hurt his words caused.
some other time.” My voice didn’t sound like myself, it sounded robotic. “I
need to go now. Got a call from the office.”
what?” He asked confused. “You just got here. And today is Sunday, you can’t
possibly work on a Sunday!”
very possible and I need to get going.” I was out the door before I could even
hear anything else.
back home with tears rolling down my face and a broken heart. I lost him
If I had
stayed that night, I would’ve known about the fight that took place right after
I left. I would’ve known how pissed off Harry was with my behavior and I would
know what unfolded after Gemma decided to just through every truth at him.
If I had
stayed, I wouldn’t be face to face with a very angry Harry, standing in the
middle of my living room.
ME?” He asked looking at me from across the room.
I love you, you’re my best friend and…” I tried to get out of the situation,
but I could see I wasn’t convincing him.
Gemma told me everything. How you’ve been in love with me for 3 years and not
said a damn word about it. How you’ve ran away from my party not because you’re
not feeling well as you told me, but because I got engaged. How you’ve been
ignoring me on purpose to get rid of your feelings for me. Why did I have to
hear this from my sister, Y/n? Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was near a
whisper at the end of his rant and he looked devastated.
took a deep breath and turned away from him. “I was afraid of losing you for
good. When I first realized my feelings, I didn’t know how to deal with it. How
was I supposed to tell you? I’ve known you my whole life, Harry! But the boys
kept on telling me to talk to you. Do you remember that day 3 years ago?” I
turned around to meet with his green eyes watching my every move. “When you told
me you met Lexa?”
It was the day you told me you were coming home and…” He stopped. I could see
the wheels turning in his head; I knew he understood what I wanted to say.
going to confess my feelings for you that day. But you were so happy about her…
I couldn’t ruin this for you. So I decided it was time for me to come home, for
me to move on from you.”
never did.” He whispered.
harder to get over you than it looks like.” I sat on my couch, feeling
completely defeated with this whole conversation. “Why are you so pissed off,
Haz? Yes, I do love you and I am trying to get over you. Eventually it will
happen. I’m not gonna lie and say that right now I’m happy with your wedding,
because God knows I don’t think she’s right for you. But if you’re happy, than
so am I. I just need time to get over my feelings for you, that’s all.”
“Why am I
so pissed off?!” Harry suddenly was angry again. “You didn’t tell me anything.
You completely shut me out, I was left in the dark for too long. For Christ
sake, I am your best friend, you should tell me this things! So now, not only
did I lose my future wife, I’m afraid I’ll lose my best friend.”
what?” I looked up at his hooded eyes, feeling my heart pick up the rate. What
does he mean with lost his future wife?
As if reading
my thoughts, he took the wedding ring he gave Lexa from his pocket and showed
to me. The beautiful diamond was shining in the dim lights and I could barely
believe my own eyes.
what did you do? Why are you with her bloody ring?”
you had told me you loved me, I would never have stayed with Lexa in the first
place!” He sat beside me and took my hand in his. “I always loved you, Y/N.
Gosh, always have and always will! I spent so many years loving you, and when I
realized you would never love me back, I decided to move on, y’know? Lexa was a
great girl, but she wasn’t you. I cared for her, and since I believed I would
never love someone as much as I love you, I thought she could be the next best
thing, I guess. Gosh, Y/N, I love you so so so much it hurts.”
At first, I
thought I was dreaming. Harry was confessing his feelings for me and it has to
be a dream. But when his hands found my neck and his lips found my lips, I knew
this was actually happening. And it was better than every dream I ever had in
my entire life.
need to hear your answer even though I know what’s gonna be. Y/N, will you be
my girlfriend?” He smiled at me and in that moment I knew everything was finally
fitting into places.
through all of this for you STILL have to ask me that?” I rolled my eyes and straddled
his lap. “Of course, you idiot.”
“Oh, I can’t
wait to see the others reaction.” He laughed and kissed me again. “But first,
let me show you exactly how much I love you.”
like that, he carried me to my room, for the first of many nights together.
I hope you’ve liked this. Please, leave me your thoughts about this oneshot, talk to me pleeease. Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language!