that hockey thing

I watch all these hockey babies at the ASG and honestly all I can think about is like the Zimbittle baby scoring a goal against Uncle Chowder at the ASG and having the cutest celly ever and like skating down the line of hockey players to get fist bumps while Bitty tweets furiously and takes pictures and Jack looks like a proud papa bear.

SMH as things my mother has said/done

lardo: was a big fake straight beard for her gay friends

jack: “huh, I’ve never heard Justin Bieber before”

bitty: “it’s just not the same with jam, but I can’t find any good preserves”

ransom: refuses to give up foreign citizenship because (s)he is Not American and refuses to associate with that whole mess

holster: has watched 90% of the tv shows on netflix twice, even the ones she hates

dex: “I’m not sure what it was about her, but every time I saw her face, I just wanted to punch it”

nursey: casually called to say “don’t freak out but i’m in the hospital”. twice.

shitty: constantly says “fucking white people”- is white

Bonus Kent, since there’s no Chowder (that sunshine boy is literally the opposite of my mom):
“I had a boyfriend once who had a jaguar. The animal, not the car.”

in order to sway a decidedly unimpressed kit purrson, one off-season tater invests in a huge fluffy cat onesie. kent comes home to the sight of his giant russian boyfriend crouched on the couch in a glorified footie pyjamas and laughs so hard he has to sit down on the living room floor. it has a tail. and ears. ‘yes, you laugh,’ tater tuts, ‘we see who laugh when cat loves me better.’

the craziest part? it actually works. kit refuses to leave tater’s side the rest of the month and kent is torn between irrational jealousy and hysterical laughter because what the actual fuck, man. what the fuck.