that hansel is so hot right now

4

But what about Clint and Bucky being transported into an enchanted forest thanks to fucking magic. (Thanks Thor and your shiny things)

“Aww, you’re not Gretel.”

“Why would I be?”

“Just sayin’, since Hansel is so hot right now.”

“You’re not making any sense, Barton. Where the fuck are we? And what is it with these clothes anyway?”

“You haven’t figured it out, yet? You certainly have a weakness for eyeliner, Barnes.”

[you can read the fic here]

The continuing legend of "Poo Bear"

From the same game/alpha test as this post

Our party continued on after looting the dragon’s cave (and washing off the poo) to a desert area where we set up camp.  After getting a couple new players to join us that night, we awaken see an approaching band of 10 gnolls making their way down a dune.  Our party (in order of Initiative Score), Beni Hana (the Halfling thug GM), Breselis Brightblade (me, the Halfling bard), Daniel Jacks (the Human battlemage), Richard Cheese (the Saurian warrior), Hizabelle Lund (the Grimalkin noble/fighter), Flash (the Human noble/mage), Hansel (the Grimalkin noble/mage that’s “so hot right now”), and, of course, Vladdok the Ursune monk (aka Poo Bear), take up positions around the camp to ambush the incoming threat who, somehow, hasn’t noticed us yet, giving us an attack of opportunity.

GM: “Okay, so what are we doing?  Beni is going to throw a dagger at the closest to him.” *rolls* “Missed.  Next?”

Me: “I’ll fire my crossbow at the closest.” *rolls crit* “Nice.” *rolls full damage, plus weapon crit bonus of x2 dmg* “18 damage.”

GM: “Okay, he’s dead.  Jacks?”

Jacks: “I'll cast Wind Slice.” *rolls an impressive series of successes* “Hell yeah!  Hit all of them for…*rolls dmg* 8 damage each.”

GM: “Well, alright.  Let’s see, two of them fall down, badly hurt.  Two more stumble.  Next?”

Richard: “I’ll throw an axe at one of the downed ones. *table gives him a look*  What?  No mercy for these scooby’s. *rolls* “Hit for *rolls* 4 damage.”

GM: “Ok, he’s dead.  Hizabelle?”

Hizabelle: “Not really anything I can do, so I’ll sit out this round.”

GM: “Alright.  Flash?”

Flash: "It worked well on the dragon, so another fireball at…*looks at line of gnolls still standing* the guy near the middle.“  *rolls a crit*  Awwww yeah! *high fives me*  That causes the fire ball to explode over…*rolls* pretty much all of them, and does…*rolls one more time* holy shit, 12 damage to the guy I aimed at and half of that to the others, so 6.”

GM: “At this point, all but 4 of the very surprised gnolls are dead and are already turning to flee.  Hansel?”

Hansel: “I’m gonna let them go, their buddies just got their shit wrecked so they aren’t gonna bother us.”

Vladdok: “Forget that noise, I’m gonna pick up this cactus (which he had been hiding behind) and throw it at them.”

*Whole table looks at him dumbfounded*

GM: “Are…are ya sure about that Poo Bear?”

Vladdok: "Yep.“ *rolls to rip the cactus out of the ground* "Ripped that son-of-a-bitch up and now…*rolls to throw and crit fails.  Whole table is dead silent* You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

GM: *After a moment passes in silence*  “You manage to pull the cactus out of the ground, but when you attempt to throw it, the needles that are now sticking in your skin cause the cactus to stick to you as you throw it, and while that doesn’t stop it from leaving your hands, it does cause it to fall hilariously short.  Like, 3 feet in front of you short.  Like, the gnolls who were going to run for their lives turn around, laugh out loud, and charge your dumbass short.”

*Whole table erupts with laughter*

Vladdok: “Man, this is some bullshit.”

Richard: “Nope, still dragonshit.”

Now, at the top of Vladdok’s character sheet, we keep a running tab of his legendary fails, and, to this day we all call him by his full title: Vladdok, the Poo Bear, the Tosser of Cacti, the Destroyer of His Own Toe, and the Cosplayer of Baby Giants.  The player of Vladdok has even embraced the role of idiot, and has even gotten a boon from his God to lower his Intelligence, but raise his Personality.  As he now says: “Dragonshit happens.”