that girl

Date the girl whose hair is a mess and steals your t-shirts and kisses you in front of boys who look at her admiringly. Date the girl who wants to dance in the rain with you and make tea for you and make you laugh so hard you snort tea out your nose. Date the girl who cares so much that she can tell something is wrong just by looking at you. Date the girl who will wrap her arms around you for no reason and pay attention when you talk about the things you love, even if she doesn’t love them herself. Date the girl who looks like a lazy sunday afternoon instead of a saturday night. Yeah. Just date that girl.
—  Unknown
Date the girl who is super shy but really loud when she’s drunk
Date the girl who likes smithsonian dates more than dinner or movie dates
Date the girl who gives you the chance you’ve been waiting for
Date the girl that recites random facts to you and stops half way because she thinks she’s being “too nerdy” because i guarentee that she will tell you loud and proud what she thinks of you and hold your hand better than she holds her beer, she’ll look at you like you’re better than anything she’s seen pinned inside a museum, and she’ll write about you in her english papers that are due the next morning.
—  Date THAT girl - LAE
She’s not the type of girl you’re used to… and you’re not quite sure if you like it or not. She’s not easy to get to know. She’s guarded and closed off… anything even slightly personal is harder to get to than Fort Knox. With her – it’s always one step forwards and two steps back and it’s SO frustrating… But you think maybe you kind of like it… because when you see those little glimpses of her you know you’re probably the only person who ever has.
She can’t be charmed… she’s not that type of girl. She manages to twist your compliments into insults or downplay them into jokes, and again… it’s so frustrating!!! Why can’t she believe that you like her!? Why can’t she just accept that she’s beautiful?
She can’t be bought because again… she’s not that type of girl. Jewelry, flowers, gifts… none of it interests her and she gets angry if you try it. She seems to think it’s effortless, and to her credit she’s kind of right… you’re simply repeating the same rehearsed steps to try and make her like you that you did with every other girl… and it won’t work… because she’s not like other girls.
She’s demure yet provocative… She runs hot and cold… She’s self-conscious, but also self-assured… In fact, she’s just about every contradiction you can possibly think of and yet you’re somehow addicted to this roller coaster ride because you know that even when she’s being the complete opposite of herself she’s still the most ‘real’ woman you think you’ve ever met and you just want to get to know her more. You want to see all of her… get inside her mind… know everything there is to know about her…
But she won’t let you. She’s not that type of girl.
And when the day comes to let her go and kiss her goodbye forever, you can tell she wants to cry… But she won’t… because she’s not that type of girl. She never was. She never will be…
And that’s exactly what you loved about her most.
—  Ranata Suzuki | Not that type of girl

I’m the girl men fall in love with the idea of.
They catch glimpses of parts of me and think
 They know the rest hidden beneath the surface;

The golden girl with the flaming heart.
The playful exuberance too world weary by far.
 The nighttime temptress down on her knees.
The selfless caretaker too kind to believe.
The warrior-princess covered in scars
The simple girl who still wishes on stars.

They all choose a part of me to worship
Setting aside the rest of the puzzle pieces
Still looking for a heart to call home
Because it’s easier to put me in a box
Than to put me together until they find a whole picture.

In the end sparkling bits and baubles of me adorn their memories
Until I become the one who got away
Which is the reason I never could in the end stay.

I’d rather love the reality that is all of myself
Than be put on a pedestal so high up
There’re no odds of surviving the fall.

© Courtney Turley 2017

That Girl

hey what up!!! so this is a break up/make up fic!! 😄 wanted to post this before tuesday, but i ended up writing this quicker than i thought! enjoy! i don’t own anything!!
—————
Sylvie sighed, tapping the blue point pen against the table as she viewed the paperwork. Gabby and her both switched off on this particular job, and it was actually her turn, but Sylvie volunteered to do it once again, enjoying the distraction from the current issues going on in her life.

She couldn’t help but groan when that thought led her to begin thinking of Antonio. They had ended their relationship almost two weeks ago, him saying that he needed to focus on his kids in the midst of Laura now wanting to fight for full custody. She wasn’t particularly happy that Antonio didn’t want her back.

She understood why he broke off their relationship, but it didn’t make any of this easier. She missed him, more than she would ever imagined she would. They didn’t see each other too often when they were together, but now that she couldn’t see him at all, or even text or call him, was a painful realization. They had only been together for a short while, she had certainly been in multiple relationships longer than this, but this was an entirely different feeling she has ever felt after a breakup.

Gabby felt awkward at first when she heard the news, but relaxed when Sylvie assured her that there were no hard feelings. Even though she was really hurting, she knew he was only putting his kids first. And even before she began her relationship with him, she knew that they were the most important part of his life.

Then Stella suggested that they go out for a girl’s night. Sylvie refused, not wanting to go look for a rebound. However the firefighter then stressed that that wasn’t the case—that they wanted to take her out to get her mind off of Antonio and have fun. Plus, she added, they needed the distraction as well. With Severide pursuing Anna and Gabby loosing Louie. And with that, Sylvie gave in. More for her friends’ benefit than for her own.

She enjoyed going out. It was fun to get dressed up, have some girl time. She even momentarily forgot about Antonio for a little while. But then a guy came up to her and asked for her number. She refused, knowing she wasn’t ready. Also she had Antonio on her mind, wondering if she would find a man that would come close to making her feel the way he did.

Then she cried after having too many margaritas, the alcohol making her let her hidden emotions out. Girl’s night couldn’t really recover after that, as her crying triggered both Stella and Gabby to start crying as well. They ended up all three crashing at Stella’s apartment.

“Focus, Sylvie. Focus.” She muttered to herself aloud, wondering why the tedious task of paperwork wasn’t doing its job: taking her mind off of all other things.

She shook her head, as if it could physically remove the unwanted thoughts of Antonio from her mind. But like all the things she had tried, it didn’t work. What a shocker.

She decided that she probably needed a better distraction than paperwork. And what would be a better one than other human beings? She picked up her half-eaten lunch next to the papers, reminding herself to come back in around twenty minutes. Hopefully that would be enough time to be able to recharge herself and be able to think more positively and able to focus.

Gabby and Stella weren’t in the kitchen area, so Sylvie decided to take the open seat next to Mouch. Herrmann and Cruz were at the same table as well.

“Look who decided to show her face.” Herrmann teased, but he had a look of sympathy on his face. She definitely appreciated his concern, found it to be heartwarming, but she didn’t come over here to be remembered of Antonio and their break-up. Plus, it’s been two weeks, shouldn’t this be old news to everyone?

“Taking a break from paperwork.” She informed them, opening her salad. “Thought I should interact with people.”

“Sorry we aren’t Gabby and Stella.” Cruz apologized with a teasing glint in his eyes.

Sylvie rolled her eyes, not immediately responding as she had a mouthful of food in her mouth. After she swallowed, she answered. “We just had a girl’s night a couple days ago, it’s fine.” She explained.

“A girl’s night!” Herrmann exclaimed, looking offended. Sylvie frowned, feeling confused. But his next response made much more sense. “Why weren’t you at Molly’s?”

“Herrmann, you know we love Molly’s. But this particular girl’s night, we needed a more…..upbeat place.” She tried to explain.

“Molly’s is very upbeat!” Herrmann defended his beloved bar, looking scandalized.

“Well, wasn’t Antonio at the bar a couple days ago?” Mouch voiced aloud. “She probably didn’t want to run into him, you know.”

Sylvie shut her eyes tightly, taking a deep breath. Did he really have to bring up Antonio? Really? Mouch had no tact apparently.

It took a harsh jab in the side from Cruz and everyone else’s silence for Mouch to realize what he said.

“Oh, I’m sorry Sylvie, forget I said anything—” He begun to ramble. “I promise he wasn’t with a girl—” Next to him, Herrmann let out a groan at Mouch’s words. “He was with Olinsky, you know from Intelligence, and he seemed to not be in a pretty good mood, so that’s good for you, right?” He let out an awkward laugh.

Suddenly her appetite was gone, as well as her willingness to talk. “I think I’m going to go back to my paperwork.” She told them with a forced smile she hoped was believable, getting up out of the chair. “I’ll see you guys around. Thanks for the chat.”

None of them said anything, and when she turned around, the only thing she heard was a smack against, well what she at least hoped was the back of Mouch’s head. The sound of pain coming from him told her that she was right in her assumption.

But before she could exit the kitchen, another person entered the room. And when Sylvie realized who it was, she stopped in her tracks. “Eva?” She spoke, voice full of disbelief.

Antonio’s 15 year old daughter stood in front of her, looking nervous but also determined. If Sylvie was still dating Antonio, she would probably have felt more comfortable. But with her and Antonio’s relationship done, Sylvie didn’t know what exactly to say. “Uh, I don’t know where Gabby is—”

“I didn’t come here to see Gabby.” The teen interrupted her. “I came to see you.”

Sylvie blinked, thrown off guard by Eva’s response. She then remembered that they had an audience, as she hadn’t left the room yet when Eva arrived. She turned her head to the table she just departed, and caught the three men right in the act: watching the conversation that was unraveling right in front of them with eager eyes.

“Let’s go talk somewhere else.” Sylvie offered, leaving the kitchen the nosy firefighters behind. Instead of heading back to her paperwork, she took Eva further down the hallway, into the rest room. She sat down on one of the beds, encouraging Eva to join her.

“Okay.” Sylvie took a deep breath to try to settle her nerves, preparing herself for whatever Eva wanted to discuss. “What do you want to talk about?”

“You and my dad need to get back together.” Eva begged, using the puppy dog eyes Sylvie was sure Antonio has seen multiple times. But Sylvie was more affected by the words that came out of Eva’s mouth.

“It’s not that simple, Eva.” Sylvie spoke slowly, carefully choosing her words. “We both made the decision that it was better for us to separate.” She decided not to let Eva know that it was actually more Antonio’s choice than her own, but she didn’t want to put any blame on him, especially in front of his daughter.

“That’s bullshit!” She exclaimed, surprising Sylvie even more. “Dad only broke up with you because he’s trying to focus on getting full custody of me and Diego.” She explained, information Sylvie already knew. However, she didn’t know that Antonio told his children the real reason they broke up, figuring he would be more vague about it.

“Yeah, he did.” She sighed, but before Eva could start ranting further, Sylvie made sure to keep on talking to get her words in. “But it’s for the best. Maybe after the whole custody battle, we will find our way back to each other. Or maybe this wasn’t meant to be.” Sylvie shrugged, ignoring the pain throbbing away in her heart.

“It’s not for the best through!” Eva stressed, tucking her legs underneath her and turning her body towards Sylvie, giving her more of her attention. “You and my dad are miserable. Diego and I really like you, so we are bummed out as well. The only person benefitting from this situation is my mom.”

Sylvie ignored the mention of Laura, she would only get pissed off. She focused on how Eva brought up that her dad was miserable. “How has he been?” She asked, hoping she didn’t sound too eager.

“He is throwing himself into this custody battle and then also throwing himself into work, he is driving himself into exhaustion.” Sylvie could hear the distinct worry in Eva’s voice. Guilt begun to fill her, she hadn’t even bothered asking Gabby how her brother was.

“He thinks that he has to eliminate everything else besides work from his life to focus on us, but that isn’t healthy at all.” Eva said. “He was so happy when he was with you, Sylvie. He’s just being his usual stubborn self.”

“I get that, Eva.” Sylvie sighed, debating if she should say the next words that were on her mind. She decided to say them, figuring she had nothing to lose with being vulnerable. “But I don’t know how I would handle putting my heart on the line again to just be rejected.” She confessed.

“He is not going to reject you!”

“If he wants me, he has to come to me.” Sylvie decided, she had already played this game before. She couldn’t be the one always chasing him. He had to realize that risks can be good thing, and also show her that he believed that he found her to be enough to take risks for.

Sylvie felt bad when Eva’s face turned into disappointment. She reached out her hand to grab Eva’s, squeezing it gently. “I’m sorry, Eva.” She apologized. “But this is a decision and action your dad has to make himself.”

Eva stood up from the bed, looking more confident than she was just a second ago. Her emotions did a complete 360. “And he’ll make it.” She declared, grabbing her purse and swinging it over her shoulder.

Sylvie stood up as well, planning on walking Eva out. She then wondered how exactly Eva got here. She was about to ask, but then she was caught off guard when Eva practically jumped into her arms, wrapping hers around her tightly.

“This will work out.” Eva told Sylvie as she finally let go of her. “I promise.”

Sylvie didn’t have the heart to disagree again with Eva, so she only nodded and smiled. She then went on to voice a more pressing issue that was on her mind. “How did you get here?”

“Aunt Gabby brought me.” She told her, the answer making her jaw drop. Was Gabby in on all of this nonsense too?

Eva shook her head, guessing correctly what Sylvie was thinking. “I only asked her if she could bring me here to talk to you.” She explained. “And I had planned on you bringing me back to my dad’s, so then you both could make up….” She trailed off, a hopeful smile on her face.

Sylvie sighed, gesturing Eva to follow her to the lockers. “I’ll go get my purse.” But when Eva cheered, Sylvie made sure to explain what was going to happen. “But, I’m only going to drop you off. There will be no talking between me and your dad. You understand?”

Eva became quiet, mumbling a barely audible “I understand” under her breath. They continued on walking, Sylvie trying to get a miserable and exhausted Antonio out of her mind.

***

It had been days since Sylvie’s encounter with Eva, and it had only made Sylvie feel confused. This was just another breakup, she was trying to convince herself, she would grieve but then move on.

But with what Eva told her, she wasn’t sure on what to do anymore.

A part of her just wanted to march over to Antonio’s place, pour her heart out to him, and hope he would take her back. She’s already done that before though, and she felt that he had to see for himself what he wanted or not.

But her mind couldn’t let go of any of this new information, consuming her daily thoughts, and even her dreams. No, it wasn’t a dream with Antonio in it. It was a dream of her just going over and over both scenarios, her going to confront Antonio or her just playing safe and wandering around like a lost puppy.

This was ridiculous. She wasn’t this type of girl, who got hung up over guys. That was the old Sylvie Brett, the one she left behind when she left Indiana. And also when she finally ended things with Harrison the second time. It was like when she was upfront with Jimmy and told him how she felt, and then he became her paramedic partner, she handled it gracefully and professionally. Why the hell was this any different?

She was acting more distracted at work, even being called into Boden’s office with him expressing concern on her work performance. It was clear that Gabby didn’t want to get involved, aware that whatever was bothering Sylvie was something to do with her brother, but she had made a few comments in the past couple of days. And then to her dismay, the guys kept on coyly offering her some of their friends’ numbers. There really weren’t any secrets that could be kept from firehouse 51.

She was not that type of girl. She wasn’t.

But why was Antonio Dawson so different from all the others?

She abruptly yanked herself up from her couch, not wanting her mind to go down that road. She would only make herself more sad and lovesick, a breakup stage she should have passed forever ago.

After turning off her tv, she placed the remote on the coffee table, heading towards the kitchen to get some water. Hopefully it would be able to make her feel better.

When she got her glass filled with water, she began to hear knocking at her door. She couldn’t hold back a groan, it had to be the next door lady again, asking her to do a check up on her cat. She doesn’t seem to get that Sylvie is a paramedic, not a vet.

“Susan, for the last time, I'm—” But lost her train of thought once she opened the door and saw who was on the other side. It was Antonio.

“Sorry, I don’t have a cat for you to do CPR on.” He joked, but she didn’t respond, only staring at him silently. The awkward smile fell from his face, his uncomfortableness shining through.

He realized that he was the one that was going to have to speak first. “Eva told me about the conversation she had with you. And countless other things.” He began to explain, leaning against the door frame. “She told me about it a couple days ago, actually. And I’ve been thinking about it.” He said, before falling silent.

“Is that all you have to say?” Sylvie spoke up, eyeing him warily. “If so, I think you should leave. I don’t want to play games, Antonio. This is hurting me.” Seeing him in the flesh for the first time since they broke up, which that in itself was a miracle as they both were in similar social circles, reopened the wounds she was trying so hard to patch up.

“That’s not all I have to say.” His voice became more passionate, determined. “I’m here to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry I ended our relationship, I’m sorry that I didn’t fight harder for us.” Sylvie’s heart thudded as Antonio took a deep breath, anxiously awaiting for him to continue speaking. “And I’m sorry that after putting you through a lot of emotions these past couple of weeks, I’m here asking for you to let me have you back. And you to have me back.”

He continued speaking, Sylvie was so transfixed in what he was saying that her mind couldn’t comprehend how to process all this information she honestly was not expecting to hear.

“I realize now that I don’t have to fight this alone. That I am better with you by my side. And you are fully capable at handling anything that is thrown your way.” He admitted. “My decision only ended up making me miserable, my kids miserable, and you miserable. The only won who was gaining anything positive was Laura.”

Sylvie couldn’t help but cringe at the mention of his ex. At that, Antonio apologized as well. “Sorry.”

“I heard that Eva originally wanted you to come to me first.” He said, before taking a hesitant step forward into her apartment. She didn’t resist, letting him enter her apartment fully and watched him shut the door behind him. “But you refused.”

“You’re the one who ended it.” Sylvie finally found her voice, hating how small and meek it was sounding. She cleared her throat, wanting to sound stronger. “So you’re the one who gets to decide.” This time her voice was clear and confident. But inside, she was filled with nerves.

“But you’re the one who decides if you want to take me back.” Was Antonio’s reply.

She decided not to answer that question, if she was going to take him back or not. She had something more important to discuss.

“If we get back together…” She begun speaking, wanting to word what she was about to say perfectly, as she wanted him to completely understand her. “Please don’t think the first thing you have to do to keep me ‘from getting hurt’” She couldn’t help but use air quotes, as that has been what has been the apparent issue in their relationship, ever since the beginning. Antonio feeling like his apparent baggage of being a Chicago cop, having an ex-wife and children as being burdens to her.

“I can handle this, all of this.” She told him, taking the risk of grabbing one of his hands. They felt the exact same as two weeks ago when she last touched them. Of course they wouldn’t have changed, but it took her back to before this entire mess happened. “You don’t need to hold everything on shoulders all the time. I know this is your custody battle, and these are your kids, and Laura’s your ex-wife. But I’m your girlfriend. And I’m here to support you.”

Antonio reached out to grab her other hand. “Girlfriend, huh.” He muttered, looking directly into her eyes.

Sylvie let go of his hands, taking a step back and rubbing them against her pant legs, as if she could get his touch off of them. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” She thought she had her whole speech planned out, but had slipped and called herself his significant other. “I got carried away.”

“What do you want then?” He asked her, taking his own step back to give her more space.

“I want you.” She confessed. “I want you so badly.”

Antonio didn’t reply with words. Instead he reached for her, grabbing her waist to pull her closer to his body.

His mouth crushed against hers, telling her how he felt through his kisses. She could feel apologies with every one, along with passion, love, and longing.

Sylvie wrapped her arms around his neck, deepening their kiss. It has been a long past two weeks, she thought.

They separated a few seconds later to both catch their breaths. “I’m sorry.” He repeated once again.

Sylvie nodded. “I know.” She replied back softly, letting their lips meet again.

The Tarot Trumps as THAT Guy/Girl at the Party

(This is about as close as I ever come to reading reversals.)

The Fool: Shows up too early, but so charming that you don’t really mind. At least he brought wine!

The Magician: Brought his guitar, so you’re getting a mini-concert (and a postcard promoting his next gig) whether you want one or not. 

The High Priestess: Arrives unfashionably late, doesn’t really talk to anyone. You suspect opiates are involved. She’s still doing that Lana Del Rey flower-crown thing.

The Empress: Hones in on the all gay men in the room and insists on becoming their new best friend. Watch out, she’s a hugger.

The Emperor: Has read exactly one book since college, finds a way to mention it in every conversation (meanwhile, can quote any Adult Swim cartoon at length).

The Hierophant: Occasionally puts down his phone long enough to bombard conversations about feminism or social justice, supported by input from his black and/or female friend.

The Lovers: Slow-dance during a fast song and then spend the whole night making out in a corner. Later when you’re waiting for the bathroom, it’s totally obvious there are two people in there.

The Chariot: Didn’t actually show up – but they might as well have, because they won’t stop texting you updates about whatever drama derailed their plans.

Strength: Acts cheerful, pointedly does not talk about her problems, but anyone who’s following her on social media knows she’s a total mess right now.

The Hermit: Is too sober for this party.

The Wheel of Fortune: Sorry, no one wants to play Spin the Bottle. Please stop asking.

Justice: Every conversation is an opportunity to explain why something is “problematic.”

The Hanged Man: His latest long-distance relationship isn’t going well. Loves explaining why all your helpful advice won’t work in his situation.

Death: All about the shock humor.

Temperance: In an annoyingly happy relationship and always trying to hook you up with someone they find attractive. 

The Devil: You know this person has wanted to sleep with you from day one. They know you know. One of these days they might even wear you down. In the meantime they’re slowly picking off your other friends, one by one.

The Tower: Gets too drunk, too honest, and too rambunctious until finally there is An Incident, which culminates in this person leaving and everyone else breathing a collective sigh of relief.

The Star: Makes a big entrance, posts a selfie from the party to prove she was there, and then slips out when no one is looking – you were just a quick stop on the way to her real plans.

The Moon: Terrible at making conversation but desperate to feel included, hovers awkwardly and laughs when everyone else does. 

The Sun: Romantically out of your league, but still wants to hear your story and fix your whole life. This is flattering until you realize s/he’s never had any real problems, ever.

The Last Judgment: Talks shit about everyone before they arrive and after they leave, stays late to make sure no one is spared. (Conveniently, this way no one gets a chance to talk shit about her.)

The World: Lingers till the bitter end, asks if s/he can crash on your couch, then sleeps in too late and is in no real hurry to leave.