thanksgiving turkey dinner

Anonymous said: Could you maybe write something with the smiths and pines families for #26(thanksgiving)

I wasn’t really sure what to write so I opted for illustrating this prompt instead. Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians!

philosophy-and-coffee  asked:

The question you asked about the Garlfied post: I would read the SHIT out of a story about a starving artist making a deal with an eldritch horror from beyond and accidently ending up getting some otherworldly dick.

okay so here is my pitch

it would be called Lionel James Wants To Be Famous

leo is a young man who, as the title suggests, would really like to be famous. and he has a lot of ideas about how he could like to be famous. but unfortunately for leo, he has approximately no talent, and not even in an interesting wiseau kind of a way.

he tried making a webcomic, which went approximately nowhere. he tried making flash animations, back when that was a thing. he returned to the well of webcomics. he tried stand-up. he tried self-publishing young adult novels. he made two episodes of a podcast. his latest venture has been an attempt to make it as a famous youtuber.

but he fucking sucks. not even in the fun way that some people suck. if he went viral for being shitty, he would be ecstatic. he would sell t-shirts celebrating his own humiliation. there is just nothing even remotely interesting about leo. there is not a creative bone in his body. he has no vision or drive. he is the guy who thinks he’s funny because he’s really good at repeating stand-up routines he saw on comedy central. he’s just. he’s not great.

so he does what any young man with minimal ambition that exceeds his even more minimal talent would do, and he summons a demon. which takes the form of a cat. a very round and fluffy black cat, with red eyes.

he names it taft.

taft the cat is a photogenic cheese-loving internet sensation. leo monetizes everything. there are shirts. there are ad-covered videos. taft gets their own comic book. sponsorships. leo gets to go on talk shows with his ridiculous fat cat from hell.

here is the thing about taft: they have been doing this for a long time. artists are easy marks. they’ve never taken the form of a lolcat before, but generally, acting as a muse is a quick way to get a soul. because sooner than later, an artist will realize how unfulfilling it is, how much it sucks to know that all their success is actually because of their demon muse, etc etc.

obviously getting artists to kill themselves due to lack of creative fulfillment isn’t exactly nice, but, demon.

leo, however, fucking loves this arrangement. because leo is not an artist. he just wants to be treated like one. and with dawning horror, this hideous shadowterror comes to realize that they are going to be stuck with this asshole for a really long time. and no matter what they do to try to make leo uncomfortable, or renege on the deal… it never works. he just rolls with it.

taft must now try to find a way to make living with an obnoxious manchild into something tolerable, and so far their plan is 90% ‘annoy the everliving shit out of him’ with a 10% side of ‘well, at least he’s not bad-looking’.

So I was on Skype with my American gf and she was excited that I get to have two Thanksgivings this year.

and I responded “Yeaaaah. But Canadian Thanksgiving is a bit different than yours.” and she was like “oh??” Then me, being the total jackass I am was like “Yeah, you see, every year the local farmers in each town open a field for everyone to go to. You bring the whole family and each person is given a rock and whoever kills a turkey with just their rock gets to take it home for dinner, kind of like picking out a pumpkin at the local patch for Halloween. When I was age 5, I was actually the one who killed the turkey. You should have seen it.”

At this point I had to burst out laughing, as she was sitting there mouth agape and I had just spun the only convincing lie I have ever told in my life.

Sorry for breaking your trust @nozomistarotcards, but also don’t be surprised if I give you a rock for thanksgiving or some shit. ;D

Thanksgiving with White families vs. Black families

White People Thanksgiving Dinner

Turkey
Stuffing
Gravy
Cranberry Sauce (w/ the cranberries in it)
Sweet Potatoes
Mashed Potatoes
Green Bean Casserole
Rolls
Congealed Salad
Pumpkin Pie

Total Amount Of Attendants: 4-10 people (Not including dogs and cats that sit at the table)

Black People Thanksgiving Dinner

Smoked Turkey
Fried Turkey
Fried Chicken
Catfish
Roast Beef
Chitterlings
Ham
Honey Baked Ham
Country Ham
Ribs
Dressing (w/ Turkey baked in it)
Giblet Gray (w/ eggs and some mo in it)
Jellied Cranberry Sauce
Turnip Greens
Collard Greens
Mustard Greens
Mixed Greens
Boiled Okra
Fried Okra
Cabbage
Green Beans
Baked Mac n Cheese
Black Eyed Peas
Broccoli Rice Casserole
Sweet Potato Casserole
Candied Yams
Carrot Soufflé
Potato Salad
Tuna Salad
Tossed Salad
Pasta Salad
Spaghetti
Lasagna
Shrimp
Crab Legs
Fettuccine Alfredo
Gumbo
Deviled Eggs
Rotel Cheese Dip
Corn Bread
Hot Water Cornbread
Rolls
Butter Rolls
Sweet Potato Pie
All Of The Sold Out Patty Labelle Pies
Pecan Pie
Egg Pie
Chess Pie
Chocolate Pie
Peach Cobbler
Punch Bowl Cake
Banana Pudding
Lemon Cake
Pound Cake
Red Velvet Cake
Cheesecake
German Chocolate Cake
Caramel Cake
Yellow Cake w/ Chocolate Frosting
Carrot Cake
Sock-It-To-Me Cake
King’s Hawaiian Savory Butter Rolls
Fry Bread
Enchiladas
Cous Cous
Strudel
Pho
Popcorn shrimp
Shrimp kabob
Fried shrimp
Pineapple shrimp
Shrimp and grits
Shrimp and gravy
Birthday Cake
Bean Pies
Little Debbie’s
Pot Pies
Dirty Rice
Ravioli
Pig Feet
Hog Maws
Cotto Salami
Jalapeño Poppers
Cottage Cheese
Old Halloween candy
Egg Foo Yung
Snipe
Trout
Vienna Sausage
Potted meats
Saltine crackers
Sardines
Ramen noodles
Taco salad
Salisbury steak
Hot pockets
Pickles
Frito Pies
Watermelon
Hot Dog Casserole
Pork Rinds
Broccoli & Cheese Casserole
Spaghetti
Spaghetti-Os
Black Licorice
Hamburger Helper
Chocolate Covered Raisins
Hot Cheetos
Spinach & Artichoke Dip
Guacamole
Fondant
Ranch Style Beans
Lil Smokies
Kool-Aid
Cases of Knockoff Soda
Seagram’s Gin
Crown Royal
Bud Ice

Total Amount Of Attendants: Anybody who likes Seasoning Salt and a 18 minute prayer over the food