the short version of the mental illness situation is: with the help of some friends (truly, thank you all for being honest when i asked you to) i realized and came to terms with some long running trauma that turned into an obsession. i was pretty much 24/7 preoccupied with wondering when people were eventually going to get fed up and leave me or yell at me already. not consciously, but every conversation with someone felt like a ticking time bomb and id start getting frantic to get away from people before they realized what/who i was.
like, maybe you had a rough childhood. it was okay and not constantly bad. you survived it so it couldnt have been that bad, right? that was me. i was spoiled rotten as a child but there were parts that i now realize were way more serious and genuinely, sincerely, awful. i kept trying to downplay how i felt and minimize it which just gave me an impregnable smokescreen of “how can i feel justified in feeling this terrible when nothing has ever happened to me?”. now the smoke screen is down because i know why. it wasnt my fault. i did what i could by surviving it. and the external aftermath has basically been handled already. so now i just have to work on the unhealthy coping mechanism i was left with. the hard part’s over! when you know the nature of the disease you can finally treat it.
a friend recommended the book “toxic parents” to me and i highly recommend it as well if you find yourself suffering from anxiety/depression today. ofc its not a one-size-fits-all answer for everyone’s problems, but its worth looking at at the very least. its what completely flipped me around. i thought the little questionnaire at the start of the book was like horoscopes in that they applied generally to everyone. i guess…not. this was the part that stopped me dea din my tracks because thats….me
it also helped me identify some horrible, unsavory patterns i adapted as a result of everything that i hadn’t identified yet. being aware of it means i can check myself before i make a dumb move. codependency fucking sucks to be on the receiving end of (ive been both parts of this equation) and im sorry i let it dump on people i like. when i was reading the info about it i was like “aww crap thats me”. when i get my shit more under control i have some apologies to toss around.
this turned out not short at all. hey, i think being open about this kind of thing is important. its a breath of fresh air to feel like i can love myself at last without guilt. or learn to anyway. baby steps! good luck. thanks for listening. tip your waiters