I'd like to bother you re: Howard Doesn't Like Steve verse. Steve is military so deployment's a thing. Tony sends him sexy photos, actual photos, and Steve keeps all of them, but has, like a lovesick high libido moron, kept a favorite in his wallet. It's secure! He's built like a tank with the skills to use it and it's in a card slot anyway, it has literally never fallen out before. Until it does. omeone picks it up. And no, it isn't identifiable as Tony to a street rando, but yeah. It's obvious
Tony sends Steve a ridiculous amount of sexy photos. The Howling Commandos know better than to dig through the care packages for the treats Tony sends for all of them when Steve actually dives on top of the box and snarls “DON’T LOOK IN MY STUFF.” And then he pulls out several loose photos and shoves them in his pockets and they rib him playfully about it every time a package comes in.
Of course, his favorite one is so innocent in the scheme of things, compared to some of the risque photos Tony has sent him–a photo of Tony on his knees wearing a lacy, see-through nightgown, holding up the hem to show off just a hint of the panties beneath them. Steve keeps it in his wallet because it’s technically not that risque (except for that other photos had shown him touching himself and then stripping the nightgown off and then the panties had also been in the care package). Also, it’s in a card slot! It literally only comes out when he pulls it out. Which isn’t often. Because he has the real thing now that he’s back from deployment. (It’s surprisingly often actually. He had folded it so that Tony’s face was hidden and the edges are so worn that it’s kinda… ripped? Oops.) So it’s just a full-body picture but no face–who the hell is going to recognize that?
Steve only notices it’s gone when he goes to pay for dinner and realizes its usual slot is empty. Oh God no. How was he going to get Tony away from his parents to tell him what happened? This was supposed to be a nice night, he was going to pay for dinner so Howard and Maria would see he also made a decent amount of money, and now he was going to die out of mortification thank God Tony’s head had been torn from the photo. He turns to try and make desperate ‘I fucked up’ eye contact with Tony.
Just in time to watch Howard bend down to pick something up off the ground.
Okay, okay, Tony’s head is missing. How would Howard be able to recognize Tony’s headless body? When has Howard seen Tony in a lacy nightgown? He wouldn’t recognize it. He wouldn’t.
“…Oh my God,” Howard breathes, face twisting into a scowl.
OH GOD HE RECOGNIZED TONY’S BODY.
“Oh no,” Steve whispers.
Maria and Tony look between Steve and Howard in confusion.
“Oh no,” Steve whispers again when Howard lifts his gaze to glare daggers at him. “Mr. Stark I–”
Howard lunges at him. Steve uses all his military experience to scream and run from the restaurant. Howard gives chase.
“I guess I’ll just pay for dinner then,” Tony tells the air lamely before walking up to the register to pay.
Maria bends to pick up the photo Howard had dropped because he needed both hands to strangle Steve. “Oh,” she says in surprise, and then, “Oh, dear.”
“What?” Tony says in concern as the hostess runs his card. “What is it, Mom?”
“Honey,” she says pityingly. “This really isn’t your color.”
Tony sputters when he sees his headless body in that stupid blue nightie. “Oh my God.”
“Also we’d better hurry if you want to continue having Steve as a boyfriend,” Maria adds. “Before your father kills him.”
Tony squawks and snatches his card back from the hostess. “Give yourself a nice tip I have to go save my boyfriend!”
“Excuse me,” Maria asks the valet kindly. “Did you see which way the screaming blond was being chased?” The valet points. Maria loops her arm around Tony. “Come along, dear. I’ll need your help keeping your father from committing murder.”