texts with my father

Baby it's cold outside
  • Yuri: My mother will start to worry.
  • Victor [texts Hiroko]: Beautiful, what's your hurry?
  • Yuri: And my father will be pacing the floor.
  • Victor [takes out fluffy blanket to cuddle]: Just listen to that fireplace roar.
  • Yuri: Now really I'd better scurry.
  • Victor [kisses him]: Sweetheart, what's your hurry?
  • Yurio: JUST LET HIM FUCKING LEAVE DAMMIT.

The Han Solo movie opens with a young Han on Tatooine. He steps into a ship and flies away. The camera pans to the middle of the desert. Somebody is walking. It’s Ewan McGregor as Obi Wan Kenobi. A bantha runs at him with a stick in its mouth, the bantha drops it at his feet. Obi Wan thanks the bantha and takes the stick. The entire movie is Obi Wan making animal/alien friends in Tatooine. Han Solo never returns. This is an Obi Wan Kenobi movie. It was an Obi Wan Kenobi movie all along.

KEITH’S ALIEN FATHER.

This man right here is Keith’s biological father. And let me tell you why.

Judging by his hat, he clearly took a pitstop at the Area 51 souvenir shop during his escape. In order to blend in with society, he adapted to the style of the time, and became an Elvis Presley impersonator since there are obviously millions of those. His nonchalant, aloofness led Keith’s mother to fall in love in love with his mysterious, kind of sketchy background. He went under the cover of Elvis Presley.

But he couldn’t keep up the ruse for very long, and promptly left Earth after Keith was born, leaving behind a crucial part of Keith’s identity: the alien knife. 

Keith’s mom remarried, and the subject was never brought up again until he began wondering about the origins of the knife.

What he really should have asked was WHETHER OR NOT ALIENS EVER WENT TO EARTH. If he would have checked the Area 51 patient records, he would have found his father somewhere on there.

But REALLY during all those years Keith’s father spent on earth with Keith’s mother, they were involved on an incredibly intense hobby farm that included a single cow. 

He left Earth under the impression that his love for the cow was unmatched to that of his actual wife, along with the Earth’s stigma against mating with cows. Specifically cows.

He joined NASA and they sent him to the moon to see if the cow could truly jump over the moon. There, he hitched a ride across the galaxy with the creators of the pyramid, who were living on the dark side of the moon. 

When he parted ways with the Pyramid Creators, they gave him a gift of their appreciation:

The Illuminati Confirmed Pyramid.

Keith’s father went on a space-roadtrip with the Illuminati.

And he left Keith’s mother for a cow.

My grandmother finally passed this morning, just before dawn. The last truly lucid thing she said to me was to remark that I always seemed to appear when she heard “that noise” - the UFO theremin music that serves as my father’s text tone for me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

On the bright side, my step-grandfather can start living normally again, doing things he likes and not giving them up just because she banned him from doing them.

3

The tale tells that a great tree called Branstock stood in the midst of King Volsung’s hall and one day a great feast was held there. On that day a cloaked man came into the hall, the man was ancient seeming and had but one eye and he held a great sword in his hand. Before all the guests he walked up to Branstock and plunged the sword into the tree and then vowed that whoever could draw the sword from the tree would have it and they would never behold a greater sword. For in truth, the sword was such that it would grant victory in all battles to its wielder. Many men tried, but none were successful in drawing the sword from Branstock. Until King Volsung’s eldest son Sigmund, the mightiest of all the King’s ten sons, came into the hall and drew the sword from the tree. Thus is the tale of how Odin bestowed the sword upon Sigmund.

But one day when Sigmund was old he went into battle against King Lyngi, who was angry that Hjordis, daughter of King Eylimi, had chosen to marry Sigmund rather than him. Sigmund bore himself nobly and none could defeat him while he wielded his sword. But then a great one eyed man, cloaked in blue and armed with a bill hook, came into the fray. Sigmund went against him, but when he struck at the man, his sword shattered into two pieces. Then Odin struck down Sigmund, for this was the day he was fated to die.

Sigmund was lay injured in the battlefield when Hjordis, then pregnant, came to him and asked if he could be healed. Sigmund said no, Odin no longer wished him to draw sword again, having broken Sigmund’s sword in two. But Sigmund counseled her to keep the broken pieces of his sword, for it would be reforged one day and called Gram, which means wrath. Then would the child Hjordis was carrying bear it, and he would be the noblest and most famed of all their race.

Hjordis did give birth to a boy, who was called Sigurd and he grew into a great man. It happened that he made a deal with Regin, his foster-father, to kill Regin’s brother, the dragon Fafnir, in exchange for Regin making him a sword. Yet none of the swords Regin made were strong enough, until Sigurd retrieved the broken pieces of his father’s sword from his mother, Hjordis. Then Regin forged Gram from the broken pieces of Sigmund’s sword and it was so strong that it broke an anvil. Sigurd used this sword to first avenge his father by killing King Lyngi and then against the dragon Fafnir, and thus he earned the name Sigurd Fafnisbana (or Fafnir’s bane) and eternal fame.