underrated john mulaney quotes:

  • “he never forgets a bitch ever
  • “…and he was almost impressed!”
  • “because we’re delta airlines / and life is a fucking nightmare”
  • “SCATTER!!!!!!!!”
  • “…which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated for a group of thirteen year olds”
  • “i’m a little fat girl”
  • “the best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best”
  • “and i was the ONE pre-y2k asshole going ‘and also with you!’”
  • “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” *drinking like it’s the end of the world* “Ehhhh, I’ll just show a video.” “That’s why teachers show videos?!”
Unpopular opinion

Caitlyn Jenner is absolute trash.

Not because she is trans, no, not for that.

She is trash because she hit and killed someone while texting and driving and got away with it.

Not only did she commit vehicular manslaughter but she was also awarded the Woman of the Year award for doing nothing.

Compared to the other women, the actual heroines, on the list she didn’t do shit (besides kill someone).

She even beat out Malala Yousafzai.

The girl that took a bullet for a woman’s right to an education.

Caitlyn is trash and honestly there are much, much better people in the trans community that should be rallied around.

the signs as john mulaney quotes
  • aries: hi, I'm very gay, and I'd like a few dollars
  • taurus: I don't look older, I just look worse. honestly, when I'm walking down the street, no one's ever like "hey! look at that man!" I think they're just like "woah, that tall child looks terrible! get some rest, tall child! you can't keep burning the candle at both ends!"
  • gemini: I'm really sorry about last night, it’s just that I'm mean and loud. it probably will happen again
  • cancer: I have had a very long day. I am very small... and I have no money... so you can imagine the kind of stress I am under
  • leo: some babies will point at me, and I don't care for that shit at all
  • virgo: when I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man that's kind of over it sexually
  • libra: everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds
  • scorpio: I'll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, I'll die
  • sagittarius: sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV, even though he already owns that movie on DVD. pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him
  • capricorn: cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man, trying his best
  • aquarius: I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like, 28 years, and then I walked right out here
  • pisces: in terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroine


“ Where do you think you’re going? “
” I really don’t want you hanging out with them. “
” Where have you been all night? “
” I think it would be a good idea to get tracking devices. “
” I’m putting cameras up all around the house for security. “
” Don’t leave the house with the pocket knife or mase. “
” I think we should get some better security. “
” I’m going to get us a dog for security purposes. “
” You really need to find better friends. “
” I don’t think your friends are really your friends. “
” Okay, call me as soon as you get there. “
” Don’t you dare text and drive! “
” Please don’t text while you’re driving. “
” Is that outfit really appropriate? “
” I think we should go shopping for your new clothes. “
” He careful when you go to walk down the steps. “
” Always knock before going inside. “
” You have the emergency contact list right? “
” Are you skipping school again? You know I’m going to give you a talk. “
” I don’t want you going anywhere with those people. “
” You aren’t aloud out past ten, you know that. “
” Hey, I don’t make the rules around here. “
” You should probably stay home with us tonight. “
” Why don’t you stay home and have some family time? “
” You missed family game night for that? “
” That’s the second time tonight you missed family game night? “
” I can’t believe you’re dissing us for your fake friends. “
” Hey, why don’t you come out and socialize with your family? “
” Look, I’m just worried about you is all. “
” You don’t want me to take you to school? “
” Where are you going? I can give you a ride. “
” You’re not allowed to go out without one of your brothers or sisters. “
” You can go as long as your brother/sister can go too. “
” I put double locks on all the windows in the house. “
” I think we should move to a nicer neighborhood. “
” I do not want you out driving at night. “
” I dont want anyone out while the storm is coming. “
” Remember to stay indoors when the storm comes. “
” We need to go over our fire escape route again. “
” You aren’t supposed to shower during storms, dear. “
” Are you feeling okay? Want me to draw you a bath? “
” You’re sick, just stay home today and rest. “
” I don’t want you to be home alone. “
” Would you like to come to work with me today? “
” Why haven’t you answered any of my calls or texts? “
” You do not ignore me like that again. “
” I can’t believe I’ve been up all night worried sick! “
” No, you could get alcohol poison. “
” I don’t want anyone drinking in this house. “
” What happened to all that money I gave you? “
Agents of SHIELD characters as John Mulaney quotes
  • Simmons: You know how I'm filled with rage? I'm so horny and angry all the time, and I have no outlet for it, so [gestures to science experiment] eggs.
  • Fitz: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress I am under
  • Daisy: If it's a true or false question, you should be able to add a third option, which is [softly and tiredly] "who's to say?"
  • Coulson: I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing
  • May: I'll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day I'll die
  • Bobbi: SCATTER!!!!
  • Hunter: This is an on fire garbage can
  • Mack: Part of me was like, whatever, you know, this might as well happen. Adult life is already so goddamn weird
  • Trip: Hey, can I walk you home? Hey, can I walk you home? Hey, can I walk you home?
  • Ward: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair
  • Lincoln: Cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best
  • Radcliffe: I don't like robots thinking of things

A month ago today I was tboned by a comcast driver who was texting at the time.

Today I went to clean out the car before it’s taken by the insurance guys…. it looks so much worse in the daylight….

the point of impact was the strongest point on the car, which is why the windshield and dash buckled like they did.

The pink carseat was in the backseat on the drivers side when I was hit. Luckily my kids weren’t with me.

By all accounts it’s a miracle I’m alive. Although I have anxiety attacks when I ride in cars, I’m mostly okay. But I’ll never be the same.



Art School | Nathan Bell (Los Angeles, CA)

As one of the shows featured in our April First Thursdays, Los Angeles-based artist Nathan Bell’s upcoming solo show ‘Mixed Feelings’ will featured 400 works using materials such as french paper, coroplast, and mixed media.  Self described “introverted over thinker with a design background,” Bell expresses himself through the painted word, or rather words –a whole lot of them. Through experimenting with “language, typography and aesthetic,” Bell’s work focuses on thoughts, ideas, wordplays, inside jokes, reflections, all of which he has been creating for the last two years!  

We’re excited to feature him on Art School where we find out more about his works and words! From working with new materials to his process to what we should expect in his solo show ‘Mixed Feelings,’ which opens Saturday, April 22nd at Subliminal Projects in Los Angeles. 

Photographs by Katherine Sheehan

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For 7 years I was blessed to have him as my best friend, despite many arguments and periods of not talking, he never spoke a bad word about me, always rooted for me, bragged about my accomplishments, and remained so loyal to me. He called me looking for a DD that night, however I was drinking at a party & when I answered all he could here was a guy in the background refusing to leave me alone and yelling at me, being the hero that he was, he jumped in his car in an attempt to come find me, even though I wouldn’t tell him where I was and repeatedly told him to stay put. He sent me this text while driving, according the police report he wrecked going 70mph into a pole only minutes after. His car was engulfed in flames and his body so badly burned that we weren’t sure we would even have anything to cremate. I was woken up the next morning to a phone call that truly didn’t sink in until I hung up the phone and my mom came to hug me because she had already heard the news. I can’t get the images out of my head, I blame myself every day, while the “what if’s” invade all of my thoughts. He said so many times that he would lay down and die for me, and he did. He has always been my angel on earth, and now he’s my angel in heaven. It isn’t fair how many times he saved my life, and I couldn’t even save his once.

naruto characters driving

sasuke: abysmally bad driver. my hc is that he cant see almost anything and is always squinting but refuses to wear glasses. VERY stressed and angry driver. wouldnt know how to parallel park even if his life depended on it (“HOW do you not know how to parallel park, sasuke” “im gay leave me alone”). always LIGHTLY crashes and leaves scratches on other parked cars and just like. leaves. also fuck speed limits

naruto: also awful but like its not his fault he just cant pay attention. gets distracted by the outside surroundings all the time. his car is a dumpster full of random papers, takeout containers, and some random shirts that he never bothers cleaning up. doesnt care for speed limits either but like in a different way than sasuke (enjoys the wind. sometimes doesnt even realize hes above the speed limit)

gaara: gaara is a very responsible prudent driver, it just happens that he also sucks at it. like dont get me wrong hes def the best out of the 3, but hes also like an old granpa who drives at the speed of a snail. overcautious n easily overwhelmed. also he didnt get his license until he was already an adult living with sasuke n naruto bc previous to that he always had a private driver. cannot and will not drive a car w a stick shift. has no idea how to change a tire

ino: baaaaaaaaaaaaad. applies makeup while driving. talks on the phone while driving. texts while driving (i dont condone this yall). “oh i love this song!” [turns volume to the max until u cant hear anything else and feel like screaming]. stereotypical girly driving like cher in clueless

sakura: the ACTUAL only good driver here. can parallel park w terrifying ease. knows how cars actually work and how to change tires and do all of that stuff. doesnt drive recklessly fast but also not like an old lady. 

hinata: doesnt know how to drive bc she had a private driver too and after she moves shes just like “oh lets just take an uber” “its a 2h drive” “oh no problem. im gonna call one”

Behaviour Change Needed: Texting while driving

I was approached the other day to give my behavioural insights into why texting while driving behaviour continues to exist despite government imposed bans and/or fines.   Here’s what I had to say:

I think there are two related factors occurring that maintain texting while driving behaviour: intermittent reinforcement and the lack of a consistent signal for the punishment being imposed.

In most provinces or states, the primary change tactic being used to decrease this behaviour is the hefty fine if you get caught.  The important part there is the caveat, if you get caught.  Just like with reinforcement, there needs to be a discriminative stimulus that signals the availability of punishment (the SdP). The SdP is the presence of a police officer (sitting in their police car) because they are what delivers the punisher; in this case the ticket and the fine.  Watch how people put the phone down when a police officer comes up behind or is seen up ahead.  Meanwhile, if there is no police officer in sight; punishment is not likely to occur; therefore, people will take a chance and text while driving.  This is where intermittent reinforcement comes into play.  Now, because there are so many chances to text and drive that are “successful” (i.e., didn’t get caught and didn’t end up rear-ending the guy in front while doing it) the texter’s behaviour is reinforced. The message gets sent and so does the next one etc.  No harm was done, right?  

This bring me to the awareness campaigns and warnings about getting into accidents. Awareness campaigns rely on the use of rule-governed behaviour (changing your behaviour by way of a verbal rule or warning not to do behaviour X because consequence Y).  But reality for most people engaging in texting while driving is far from it.  They send off message after message while maintaining control of their vehicle and this scary consequence of being in an accident never happens.  If anything, a near miss may decrease someone’s texting while driving behaviour but I suspect the effects would be temporary. As soon as another low-risk chance to text and drive exists, the behaviour is likely to re-emerge and if “successful” will likely occur more often in the future again.  

Simply put, campaigns and the occasional (if never) punishment cannot compete with the rate of reinforcement for texting while driving. Interventions aimed at changing an individual’s behaviour in context (e.g., behavioural skills training via simulation driving, embedded cues or signals in the car to not engage in the behaviour, self-monitoring with feedback, even skill-building for peers when in the car with a potentially distracted driver etc.) may be more effective.  

Attention behaviour analysts and governments: this would make a great research project for someone in our field!        

My Hero

Anon asked: Michael is getting bullied, so protective boyf riend Jeremy steps in.

Anon asked: Jeremy hasn’t seen Michael all day and was texting him and stuff. So, lunch comes around and he can’t stop staring at his phone,when Jake nudges him and Jeremy looks up to see him nervously smiling with a black eye. (I know it’s stupid, but I dunno I just thought…)

I mean if by stupid you mean god damned brilliant cuz I love this with a burning passion and I wish I was a better writer to give it justice. Let’s get into it!!

‘Hey Mikey, wanna meet up at the caf before homeroom?’

‘Also can I hitch a ride to school?’


'yo Mikey you aren’t skipping without me right?’

'Sorry for all the messages it’s probably annoying but where are yoh??’


'Are you sick? Alarm not go off?’

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Number four. Had this on repeat. More of Niall & Teyana can be found here.

**edit: there’s a little extra/follow-up addition to this - ‘unfinished business’ - which you can read here.

Teyana’s flushed from cheekbone to chest because Niall won’t stop looking at her.

“Stop it,” she breathes, working her fingers deep into the pastry dough she’s been kneading, a craving for something sweet having wracked her brain all afternoon. It’s evening now, just a bit after six, and she hasn’t even thought about dinner yet, getting lost in a parade of dessert recipes on Pinterest before finally settling on one that piqued her interest best. Priorities.

“Stop what?” Niall asks, from his perch on the counter against the wall to her right. His tone is nonchalant, edging towards playful, likely from the smile that Teyana can’t see at the moment but is almost certain is curving his lips.

“I thought you were supposed to be working,” Teyana quips, as she turns her head and catches his eyes on her again before they flit back to the legal pad in Niall’s hands. His pen scratches at the page as he visibly tries his best to play coy, but his smile, like always, gives him away.

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