10 things I learned from the first month away from him
1. I can do it. I’ve made it a month without putting so much emphasis on him, and I can make it the rest of my life. It seemed like a daunting task when I decided to put him on pause, but looking at my decision from a month in I know I made the right decision.
2. I am better off without him. I am happier. I am healthier. I am overall better. I have the spark back that he stole when he didn’t care about me as much as I cared about him. He may not have meant to steal it, but regardless I needed it so I could shine again.
3. It hurt. Just because I’m happier, doesn’t mean getting here didn’t hurt like hell. I texted him when I was weak. I wanted to reach out when things were going badly, but it was the times when I made myself put the phone down and get over it that led me to where I am today.
4. He really didn’t care. Not much has changed on his end of the deal. He has gone on with his life as if he hasn’t lost me. This means he really didn’t care. That wasn’t just some crazy idea I came up with one day. He really didn’t care.
5. I still miss him. I can’t sit here and pretend that 100% solid in my decision. I still hear songs that make me waiver when I’m feeling my strongest. There are still times when we have a nice conversation and I want to crawl back to the safety net that he was for me. I miss the great times, but I don’t miss the hard ones. I don’t miss the tears. I don’t miss the pain.
6. There’s a piece of me that will always feel something for him. After having him as such a close part of my life for so long, I can almost guarantee that there will always be a piece of me that feels something for him. That’s okay. He was a part of my life, and he’s a memory I will carry with me. He will help me realize what I want and what I don’t want in the future.
7. I am worthy. I am worthy of love. I am worth of being wanted. I am worthy of a boy who treats me like a princess, but also doesn’t excessively obsess over me. I am worthy of someone’s time and words of affirmation.
8. Time really does heal all wounds. Day 1 felt like I was dying. Day 10 felt like I was mending. Day 20 felt like I was my own person again. Day 30 felt like I was on top of the world. Time changes people, places, and emotions. Time can turn all the bad into a whole lot of good.
9. I don’t need people to complete me. I’ve said it at least a million times, but I’ve learned it more than anything in these 30 days. People don’t complete me. I complete me. He’s just there to make me happy.
10. I can look forward to the future. I no longer have to worry about what he’ll be doing in the future and whether or not it’ll involve me. I don’t have to worry about seeing him every time I go home for break. I don’t have to worry about where he fits into my puzzle. I can look forward to a future revolving around me. I can look forward to a boy who treats me like pure gold. I can look forward to summers with my best friends. I can look forward to a future filled with the people who care, and he may or may not be there.
-Excerpt from a book I’ll never write //#132 // and next month will be even brighter
My first exile was leaving the countryside for the city, to enter San Gabriel, an Anglican school where they’d put Gringo soap in the mouths of children who didn’t speak English. And I didn’t know a word of English! I began to learn through osmosis and sound, reciting “twinkle twinkle little star.” I had never heard such a perfect word. “Twinkle” sounded exactly like a star performing— the shining of a sound.
Cecilia Vicuña, from “The First Exile: Santiago, 1957,” Spit Templetr. Rosa Alcalá