text is weird

i love the fact that like… if you wanted to you could throw a chair… stool…. lamp… medium sized houseplant… even a lightweight table…. theres nothing physically stopping you from throwing furniture around, only social constructs and your own cowardice.

to add to this “humans are weird” thing
did you know that humans are the only species on earth with the ability to throw things with any significant degree of accuracy and force (apes can throw with about the force of a human ten year old, but cant lock their wrists well enough for accuracy)

and we just never really think about it bc its so easy and simple to us that pretty much all of our sports are based around the concept of throwing things accurately

so
what if the concept of projectile weapons takes most species FOREVER to get the hang of, or even come up with in the first place.
a human goes onto a ship and throws some trash into the nearest reclaimer, shouts “kobe!” and all the other aliens on board absolutely LOSE THEIR MINDS

why do i constantly wanna change everything about myself and my surroundings

Can you imagine aliens trying to figure out fireworks? Humans set off bombs for aesthetic. That’s how we celebrate certain holidays, by setting off bombs that hurt our ears and dazzle our eyes, because we think they’re pretty.

“What is this ‘New Year’s Day, Brett?”

“Well, it’s the end of our solar year, marking when the earth has traveled all the way around the sun.”

“You humans are odd. That is nothing to celebrate. It happens by nature.”

“We think it’s pretty special. Anyway, we get together with friends, count down the hours to the new year and set off fireworks-”

“What are fireworks?”

“Pyrotechnics, um, bombs. They explode in the air. They’re pretty harmless if you handle them properly-”

“You set off BOMBS to celebrate the fact that your planet has circled your star???”

“Um, yeah, it sounds funny when you say it like that but yeah.”

*confused and terrified alien screaming*

Humans and adaptability

For reals though, humans are ridiculously adaptable. Half the time instead of just fixing something, we go out out of our way to change our behavior to avoid dealing the dang thing.

My door swells during the winter. It has since I was around eight. Instead of figuring out how to fix it, I just kick my door extra hard to get it open.

When my sister’s laptop was starting to go south, it wouldn’t completely start up, but the mouse would do this weird thing and then she always knew to do a hard restart to get it to boot up.

I’ve heard that Stephen Hawking was so used to predicting his predict text that when it got upgraded it messed him up.

There’s that one scene in Mary Poppins and a vague mirror of that scene in the Doctor Who Pompeii episode where the house quakes regularly and everyone just takes up their stations to keep things from falling over and breaking.

Humans are nuts.


Menah-Tal clicked an old chant of his people under his breath while running the usual efficiency tests. It shouldn’t take too long, then he’d be able to-

He blinked his three eyes in surprise and ran the numbers again.

They came back the same. There was a whole seven deneb discrepancy from the normal parameters. Menah-Tal snorted. So much for his poetry slam in the rec room.

Menah-Tal traced the discrepancy to Brett’s station in engineering. He blinked. Surely Brett couldn’t be so blind as to let his station be out of alignment. He snorted crossly again.

Brett was at his station when Menah-Tal walked into engineering.

“Brett, your station is out of alignment, making it seven deneb slower from the rest of engineering. How could you let such a discrepancy happen?”

Brett looked up.

“Oh that’s probably my interface. My panel’s been acting up a bit lately. I’ve been thinking about replacing it. Maybe on the weekend-”

“But seven whole deneb …” spluttered Menah-Tal.

Brett shrugged.

“Sorry dude, I kept forgetting. Hey it’s not like it’s completely non-functional-”

As he spoke his panel glitched. Brett hit it with his fist and it unfroze.

“It’s fine.” he said in response to Menah-Tal’s face. Menah-Tal looked like he was about to have an aneurysm.

Menah-Tal reverted to his native Makjai Temas as he left engineering swearing viciously about the “impossible humans.”


Edit: I had two people point out that parsecs are in fact, not a measure of time. Thanks for keeping me on my toes, guys.

Make that three.