When I get sad I do this weird thing where I can’t look in a mirror. For some reason I feel shame and guilt when i am sad or when I cry and I can’t bare to look in the mirror. Nothing makes me feel more ugly or more repulsive as a person when I cry. So I’ve tried for a long time over my short little life to hold in the tears. Create a little bubble of “fine” and tell people “I’m fine, just tired” and for years I’d live in a picturesque world where the smiles were drawn on and the skies were bright. Nothing really wears down the soul like “fine”.
Not anymore. No longer should i press down this sadness in me, it needs to be expressed and it deserves to come out. So now i turn on the lights and look at myself when i cry. I really feel the depth of what i am currently feeling for whatever reason i am crying. Because the only way out is through. When you feel sadness over something, or someone you have to allow yourself to cry about them. Maybe not cry forever but enough that you let tears charged with your despair to cascade down your cheeks. Sob into a towel and beg for wisdom that will never come. Cry as you fall asleep knowing part of you is gone and will never come back.
But don’t cry forever. Feel your despair allow it to wash over you but only just that. Do not let it consume you and pull you under, do not give in to the temptation of anger and sadness where you become a shell of your former self. Find reasons to laugh. Find peace within yourself. Cry but then wipe your eyes and clean up the mess. To heal you must feel the pain but you don’t need to become one with the pain.