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Day 13

When I get sad I do this weird thing where I can’t look in a mirror. For some reason I feel shame and guilt when i am sad or when I cry and I can’t bare to look in the mirror. Nothing makes me feel more ugly or more repulsive as a person when I cry. So I’ve tried for a long time over my short little life to hold in the tears. Create a little bubble of “fine” and tell people “I’m fine, just tired” and for years I’d live in a picturesque world where the smiles were drawn on and the skies were bright. Nothing really wears down the soul like “fine”.

Not anymore. No longer should i press down this sadness in me, it needs to be expressed and it deserves to come out. So now i turn on the lights and look at myself when i cry. I really feel the depth of what i am currently feeling for whatever reason i am crying. Because the only way out is through. When you feel sadness over something, or someone you have to allow yourself to cry about them. Maybe not cry forever but enough that you let tears charged with your despair to cascade down your cheeks. Sob into a towel and beg for wisdom that will never come. Cry as you fall asleep knowing part of you is gone and will never come back.

But don’t cry forever. Feel your despair allow it to wash over you but only just that. Do not let it consume you and pull you under, do not give in to the temptation of anger and sadness where you become a shell of your former self. Find reasons to laugh. Find peace within yourself. Cry but then wipe your eyes and clean up the mess. To heal you must feel the pain but you don’t need to become one with the pain.

When you love, I think it’s better to love with your whole heart than to be safe and reserved. I know it might set you up for getting your heart broken which is no fun, but even if that does happen, at least you know that you gave it your all. If it didn’t work out, it wasn’t your fault because you were brave enough to say, “hey, I love the absolute shit out of you, I hope that’s enough”.

The west coast is on fire, Houston is underwater, two hurricanes are on their way, parts of the world are also flooded, and I’m currently using defense mechanisms to stay calm about the fate of humanity so I just have one thing to ask:

Who didn’t forward that chain letter from 2007

3

Trini definitely sucker punch him for that later

Hunk: Hey, quick question? 

Lance: Shoot.

Hunk: Are we even sure that the mice are mice?

Lance: Well… I mean… when we got here they looked like mice so I guess we all just kind of assumed that they were mice? Which, when you think about it, is honestly kind of weird. ‘Cause the mice are 10,000 year old aliens dude… which kind of implies that mice are universal?? Like, Altea had them, and Earth has them. What are the odds of that? We’re a gazillion miles from home, but we still have mice. What could that mean? … Dude. Are the mice actually mice?

Hunk:

Hunk: Gonna be honest with you, I meant for this conversation to go a completely different way, but what you’re saying is really cool and now I’m interested in discussing this as a group.

Lance: Aw, thanks buddy! But what were you gonna say?

Hunk: I was gonna say that, are we sure the mice are actually mice? Because it feels like every time we tell them something, they……… rat us out!

Lance: 

Lance: You’re awful.

12:19am: hey, it’s been a while. how are you? where have you been? are you sleeping better? are you still so lonely?

1:04am: i’m not drunk, okay? i’m not. i just miss you. that’s all, that’s all.

1:46am: just call me back, alright?

1:58am: somebody said you found somebody new. does she love you? does it hurt?

2:04am: i don’t even miss you, dammit. i don’t know what i’m doing. i don’t think about you anymore. i don’t care.

2:05am: whatever, i’m blocking your number.

2:07am: okay so i didn’t block your number. i still hate you though.

2:11am: i don’t hate you.

7:28am: sorry, i passed out. i don’t even remember what i said. can you just forget all this? can you just forget me?

—  VOICEMAILS || s.o.
  • me: wonders if we're really supposed to buy that all the guests at Felix's art opening just accepted that each new 'sister' was the same person dressed up in a different costume
  • me, twelve hours later: remembers that each of the sisters actually IS the same person dressed up in a different costume
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in case you missed it, I finished the Cypher 3 animation last night!!! go watch it!!!