testing this shit out

aceofalmonds  asked:

Hello! I read (and enjoyed!) the story you posted of your grandpa and his tree disposal methods, and so was looking for the story you mentioned of your other grandpa menacing a peach tree with a baseball bat, but can't seem to find it. Halp?

That would be because I haven’t posted it yet!  Many people have requested the story mentioned in the tags “Grandpa Menaces a Peach Tree With A Baseball Bat”, So here it is, with a side of “Grandpa Menaces The Iowa Relatives With Giant Corn”

**

For the Full Context of this tale, you have to understand how my dad’s side of the family got to America in the first place.  Prior to 1917, they were all farmers of limited success that migrated from county to county, trying not to starve, until a covey of the Fitzpatricks heard that they could be shoveling shit in Grand Americay, far away from the people they owed money to, so they all fucked off to Iowa and somehow made a fortune in the real-estate business in the middle of the depression.  Despite now being comfortably middle-class, they never actually gave up farming, and having a pair of glowing green thumbs was a point of pride in the family.

So, when Grandpa moved out to California, specifically to the Salinas Valley, which is where an absurd percentage of the country’s food is grown because it’s full of probably the world’s most stupidly good soil,  Grandpa had to continue the tradition and set up a garden in the backyard, planted various crops and flowers in January because fuck you this is coastal California, I can start stuff in the middle of winter, and invited his sister Leone and her growing brood of (at the time, 5, later 9 children) out to visit.

They came out in July, to escape the Midwest humidity and Butter fetish for a time, when the corn is typically getting to be around knee-height if things are going well.  Grandpa spent a long time asking how things were back on the farm, plying them with ice tea and grandma’s lethal Angel Food cake, before politely inviting Leone and her Husband Scotty out back to see how his patch was doing, oh its not much really, just a bit of fun for me and the children-

Scotty and Leone stared at the nine-foot-tall goddamn corn which was already setting fruit because it had been going since January.  At the watermelon plant that had taken over the side-yard, and at the other oversize and thriving crops that had taken over grandpa’s yard.  There was a few moments of awed silence.

“Well fuck you Edwin.” Scotty eventually said, before Leone whopped him over the head and the rest of the visit was a pleasant diversion.

the following spring though, Grandpa received a package from Iowa, specifically a small peach tree with a note saying “With Love, Scotty.”

Leone knew better than to engage in such shenanigans, because this is irish-agrarian passive-aggressive Bullshittery at its absolute finest.  “Sure, yeah, you can do corn.  Any asshole can do corn.  TRY THIS FUSSY-ASS PEACH VARIETAL INSTEAD, YOU ASS”  is perhaps a more accurate translation.

Grandpa, not about to be intimidated by a mere tree, planted that sucker in the front yard and proceeded to pamper it- bone meal fertilizer, a brand-new irrigation system, the works.  Hell, he would go out some times and talk to the darn thing.  It flowered, and he borrowed a behive from one of the local farmers to make DARN SURE that it got pollinated, because he was going to mail peaches to Scotty for Christmas, that asshole.

The tree. Did not. fruit.

That fall, grandpa reccived a letter from Scotty, asking after a couple paragraphs of circumlocutions, how that tree he sent was doing?

Grandpa got up, made himself a martini, picked up Dad’s baseball bat, and walked out to the front yard to have a discussion with the Peach tree.  

“I’ve just received a letter.”  he explained, waving the paper at the tree. “Asking when you’re going to fruit.  Now, I think I’ve held up my responsibilities to you as your caretaker, so it’s time for you to start providing.  Do you understand?  This spring, you better start fruiting or I will personally take this bat to you and turn you to into kindling.”

He stepped close to the tree, sticking his face in the branches as though whispering into it’s hypothetical ear. “Do not test me, you little shit.”

The next week, the tree bloomed out of season, and by February, it had set an obscene amount of fruit, which grandpa gleefully turned into preserves and mailed back to Iowa.

you know who this reminds me of?

these two nerds

i just started reading sbr and so far……i’m mcloving it

Sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night, startled by something. Might be his dreams, might not. He didn’t remember enough of them to tell.

What he remembered of them usually went like this:

He woke up alone. Statics filled the air. The streets buzzed. The punches never came, and he just walked the streets until he was on the ground, in front of an alleyway. The dusty lamppost stood between him and the entrance. The light flickered the way usual household light bulbs did, but slower.

Then he woke up, alone, the newest podcast playing on loop in his ears. The light was always off.

It really wasn’t much to go by.

even more bc it has to run its course 

2

It’s funny how for the most part all of the Power Rangers weren’t freaked out to find out they had powers. Like they were surprised and curious but in no way freaked out. And they were ready to test that shit out immediately. And it’s so realistic because nowadays if one of us discovered we had powers, we’ve seen enough superhero movies to be like, “OKAY WHAT CAN I DO?!” Lol.

Also Trini was such a little badass, being willing to just go for it immediately like that. Everyone else goes, “Hey wait up!” And she turns and Spider-Mans it up a cliff and then jumps a ravine. Beast mode!

warm up doodle on shitty paper 

things i learned my freshman year of college

1. don’t worry so much about what other people are spending their time doing.

2. social media is a lie. it’s all fake. it might seem like your friends at other schools are having the time of their lives, but it’s so easy to pretend to be happy online when in reality you are downright miserable. so just because someone’s instagram is prettier than yours, doesn’t mean their life is any happier or better.

3. it’s absolutely okay to sit by yourself at the dining hall and have a meal alone. no one will judge you for it. no one will point at you and whisper, “there’s the girl that eats alone all the time.” i promise you that no one is looking that closely at you. the only reason they would notice is if you make it seem like you’re miserable. so go ahead, order a hamburger and a huge plate of fries, pick up a good book, and eat by yourself. i promise that no one will give a fuck.

4. if you want to sit at home and watch netflix while eating chicken tenders in bed on a friday night, then do it. don’t feel obligated to go out and have a great time if you know that you would be happier just sitting at home. for a long time, i used to think that if i wasn’t going out with friends or studying, i was wasting my time. but that is so not true. you need your alone time, especially when you’re in college, so don’t be afraid to do the things that really make you happy – not just the things that you think will make you happy.

5. grades are important, so don’t slack off. it might seem like you’re doing more work than everyone else, but if other people are getting good grades, i promise that they’re doing just as much work as you are (no matter how many times they say “i only studied for like an hour the night before the test and i got an A!”). you’re not paying a fortune just to party and hang out with friends, so make sure you’re learning and keeping up with your schoolwork.

6. by the end of the year, you will have completely lost touch with many of your high school friends who you promised you would never stop talking to. and that’s okay.

7. make use of the library. it’s there for a reason. find a good study spot where no one can bother you, and whenever you get there, put your phone away and actually get shit done. leave the procrastinating for your dorm room.

8. frat parties are overrated. clubbing is overrated. if you go, make sure you’re with someone you trust. but if you know that you’ll have a better time just hanging out with one or two close friends or curling up in your room with a good book, then do that instead. no matter what the tv shows tell you, you won’t miss out on finding your soulmate just because you don’t go to one party.

9. no one will hold your hand in college. no one is going to tell you “take this, this, and this class” or “study one chapter a night and you’ll be good for the test.” you have to figure that shit out for yourself. in high school, you might have gotten away with studying for a test the night before, but if you do that in college, you will most likely not get the grade you were hoping for. unless you’re a genius, it’s just impossible. so make sure you start studying way before you think you need to.

10. do your laundry. take out your trash. make your room look nice. yes, even during finals week. it’ll make you feel like more of a human being.

11. go to your professors’ office hours. i’ve found that most of the time, the professors are sitting in their office, just waiting for students to come see them during office hours. so if you’re struggling, go talk to them. and don’t wait around until the week before the final. the professor will be much more willing to help you out if you go see them near the beginning of the semester. never, ever, ever be ashamed to ask for help. each time i’ve asked a professor “how can i do better in your class?” they’ve been delighted to talk to me and figure out a plan to help me improve. also, you will most likely need a letter of recommendation from one of your professors at some point in your college career, and you don’t want to have to be that person sending an email to that professor you had three years ago that starts with “i’m sure you don’t remember me, but…” – how do you make a professor remember you? go to office hours!

12. sure, drinking might be fun and it might make you seem cool. it might make it easier for you to be in social situations. but when you are entirely incapable of having fun while sober, that’s when you know you have a problem. that whole “you’re not an alcoholic until after college” saying is bullshit. it’s fine to have drinking be a part of your social life. just make sure it doesn’t become your ENTIRE social life. also, if a party gets too loud and rowdy, do yourself a favor and get out of there before campus police shows up. it’s not worth the stress to have that be on your record.

13. the great thing about college is that you can pick your friends (unlike in high school when you kind of were forced to be friends with the people in your classes), so please choose wisely. be friends with people who do cool things and support you while you do cool things. if someone makes you feel shitty, don’t hang out with them. just straight up tell them that you don’t want to spend time with them anymore, too. life is too short to be friends with people you hate.

14. take lots of pictures – but not just for social media. for yourself, too. so that you can look back on these moments ten or twenty years from now and see how much you’ve learned, grown, and changed.

15. there were douchey people in high school and, unfortunately, there will be douchey people in college, too. but anyone who still tries to be “popular” in college is just setting themselves up for disappointment and embarrassment. so just ignore them. eventually, they will grow up and realize the error of their ways. but until then, stay as far away from them as possible and just do your own thing. “leave lame people to keep doing the lame shit that they do.“

16. i know you’re busy, but don’t forget to call your mom, dad, brother, sister, grandma, grandpa – whatever. if there’s someone back home who cares about you, call them. and more often then you think you need to. because i can promise you that they’re probably worried sick about you.

17. be confident. if you’re not confident, then fake confidence until it becomes real. you are glorious. you are wonderful. once you’re no longer afraid to show your true self to others, you’ll give others the confidence to reveal their true selves, as well. so what if you’re a little chubby? so what if you still have acne? so what if you don’t have clothes that are as nice as everyone else? you’re still a force of nature, and people should be dying to want to hang out with someone as awesome as you.

18. get involved in things. new things. never danced before but always wanted to? try out for the dance team. always wanted to sing but never had the guts before? try out for an acapella group. nothing is holding you back.

19. the whole “no one knows me here, i can be whoever i want to be” is true, but only to a certain extent. you can change yourself in college, but you probably won’t be able to change who you are fundamentally. you are still the silly, goofy, crazy you that you were in high school. so even though you might tell yourself that you want to be friendlier, cooler, prettier, smarter – whatever – don’t lose sight of who you really are, because i can promise you that people will see past your facade. and the more honest you are to people, the more likely they will be to open up to you.

20. be a nice person. hold the door open for people. smile at everyone you make eye contact with. talk to the person you sit next to in class, even if it is a 100+ person lecture. college is hard, and it can be very easy to feel lonely and lost. so just be nice to people. you never know whose day you’ll make. plus, it has its perks.