terrible pun of the day

HAPPY BISEXUAL PRIDE DAY TO ALL MY BI BI-TCHES! MAY WE CONTINUE MAKING BI-LLION PUNS AND REMAIN AM-BI-TIOUS. YOU ARE A VALID BISEXUAL EVEN IF YOU ARE IN A HOMOSEXUAL OR HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP OR ALL BI YOURSELF
hc

One day Cynthia admits to Evan that Connor used to love jokes, like how she did in A Little Bit of Light (;-;), and Evan makes it his life goal to get Connor to laugh at those types of cheesy jokes he used to love.

He’d try knock knock jokes, some classics, a large variety of puns, he even went out of his way to find some to appeal to Connor’s darker sense of humor, all to little or no avail.

(Connor chucked at a dirty joke one time that left Evan a blushing mess but at least he got that small victory)

One day they skip lunch together in the library, Evan writing a mythology paper and Connor reading something for English. It’s a pretty normal afternoon, Connor intermittently complaining about his book as Evan struggles to remember the countless Greek stories he’s analyzing.

“I mean this guy fucked his own mom, who writes this stuff?”

And suddenly the answer is there, right in front of him. Evan looks between his friend’s book and his own paper. This was it, this was his chance.

“If Oedipus and King Midas met, it’d be pure m-motherfucking gold.”

Evan never really liked to swear, but it was nessesary for the joke. Besides, watching Connor freeze on the spot, slowly lower his book, and break into hysterics was well worth the profanity.

They end up getting kicked out of the library because Connor is hyperventilating and Evan can’t really hold back his snort-laughter, and Evan’s so triumphant he can barely apologize to the librarian with a straight face as they’re escorted out of the room.

what your favorite post punk band says about you
  • the sisters of mercy: you are a bitter 40 year old man
  • bauhaus: you have considered getting plastic surgery to enhance your cheekbones
  • the cure: you fucking hate morrissey
  • the smiths: you fucking hate morrissey
  • depeche mode: you are gay and love to sin
  • siouxsie and the banshees: you are an angry feminist and your eyeliner game is flawless
  • adam and the ants: you love ugly clothes and terrible puns
  • the birthday party: you cry every day because of rowland s howard
  • japan: you are an A+ shitposter

anonymous asked:

Uf, ut sans reaction to having an s/o who's hosting a cat playdate/bithday party , where the s/o invites all they're cats friends from the neiberhood, and they all do the things humans do for birthdays.

UF!Sans:

Red nopes out of there so fast.  Nope.  He can’t do this.  

“uh, i think i left the stove on… in snowdin.  better go check on it.”

He makes a beeline for the exit, but Edge is there with Doomfanger!  “EXCELLENT TIMING, BROTHER.”  Edge thrusts Doomfanger into Red’s arms, while Red stares straight ahead with hollow sockets.  “DOOMFANGER IS HERE FOR THE PLAYDATE.  MAKE SURE NOTHING HAPPENS TO MY CAT OR I’LL TAKE YOUR FEMUR FOR HER NEW SCRATCHING POST!”

Red begins to sweat.  “i was actually headin’ out, so–”

Edge leans forward, narrowing his eyesockets.  “ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO SKIRT YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES, SANS?”

Red stiffens, shaking his head.  “i jus’ don’t see why you can’t watch your own damn cat.”

Edge glowers, the air turning dangerously charged.  “I HAVE TO GET TO WORK.  YOUR DATEMATE STATED THAT YOU WOULD BE HERE TO WATCH DOOMFANGER.  ARE YOU SAYING THAT WAS A LIE?”

*shit.

“n-nope, not at all.  you can count on me, boss.”  His smile is tight.  

“THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN.”

As soon as Edge leaves, the cat begins hissing at Red.  “stupid fuckin’ cat…” he mutters, and the Doomfanger starts clawing at his face.  Red shouts, letting go of the feline, which then proceeds to run off toward the party.  Red ends up trapped there, running around and trying to keep Doomfanger in line, while becoming grouchier and grouchier. 

He breaks up with the s/o afterward.  He really doesn’t do cats.

UT!Sans:

A cat birthday party?  Welp, this is hilarious.

Sans invites Catty as a party coordinator, and she goes over-the-top with cat decorations.  Sans is even wearing a galaxy-print T-shirt with a cat sitting on a PB&J sandwich.  He doesn’t know why that shirt exists, but it’s perfect for the party.

“or should i say purr-fect?”

“What is?” his s/o asks, and Sans grins wider.  

“this shirt.  isn’t it the cat’s pajamas?”

Yes, this entire party is just an excuse for him to use every cat pun in his extensive arsenal.  

“everyone having a good time and feline fine?”

“i’m not kitten you.  the water’s been spiked with cat-nip.  they cat seem to nip the habit in the bud.”

“i’m pawsitive.”

“ready for me to bring out the catfish?”

“actually, scratch that.  it sounds like something they’d be furbidden from eating.”

“did i make you uncomfurtible?”

“what’s wrong?  cat handle these jokes?”

(* Mobile Imagine Masterlist  )

Drabble: Puns

A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMO!!!! I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS DRABBLE!! I couldn’t do a very long one because I’m the not the punniest person around and this is the most puns I’ve come up with in my life, wow. Anyhoo, hope you have a great day dear!! ^^ 

WARNING: Contains terrible puns and jokes. Read at your own risk. 



Saeran was at his limit. 

“Hey Saeran!” 

Closing his eyes and raising the glass of water to his lips, he tried to ignore that stupid, suspiciously gleeful voice. Nothing good ever came out of Saeyoung using that tone around him, and Saeran certainly did not want to stick around to find out. Hastily, he turned on his heel and began marching back to his room, but it was too late.

Water you up to? If you’re free, could you help me find my quench? It should be in my workroom but I can’t find it in anywhere even with my glasses on.” 

The younger twin choked on his water, and it was incredibly tempting to spray his mouthful of water in his annoying brother’s face, but that would be too disgusting to clean up. So he forced the water down his throat, coughing a couple times after.

“Oh no, Saeran, are you okay? Would you like me to cough-fer you any assistance?”

Tears sprang to his eyes as his coughing fit worsened, but Saeran managed to set the glass down on the counter and land a haphazard kick in his brother’s side. That made Saeyoung lose his balance and fall on his butt with a resounding thud. A soft groan followed shortly after as he winced and rubbed at the new sore spot on his posterior. 

“Shut up, or I’ll fuckick make sure you regret it,” Saeran muttered, glaring at Saeyoung. “You’ll end up more than just butthurt.”

Butt, all I wanted to do was help…” Saeyoung whimpered pitifully, before releasing an exaggerated sigh. “Ass I always say, this world is unfair.” 

True to his word, Saeran kicked him once more, harder this time, his food connecting with his brother’s calf. And as the drama king that he was, Saeyoung instantly recoiled, hugging his legs to his chest and making fake crying sounds.

“I think you’ve been drinking too much with Jumin. Quit wining. I didn’t even hit you that hard.” 

Grape, critical hit!” Saeyoung gasped, clutching onto his chest now and breathing erratically. “HP going down! Mayday mayday!” His body began to spasm and jerk, resembling a fish flopping about on dry land. 

Saeran watched him continue this for a few moments before thinking that he should put a stop to it before Saeyoung actually broke his spine or something.

Just as he bent down to help his brother up, the sound of footsteps and a new voice filled the living room. 

“…What are you two doing?” she asked, folding her arms across her chest and chuckling at the ridiculous sight of her husband lying on the floor in foetal position and his brother standing over him. Judging from the chuckles spilling from her and the amusement on her face, she must have overheard their exchange. 

“Shoot, it’s MC,” Saeran blurted, face starting to turn a light shade of red. 

Son of a gun! It’s MC, she’s come to save me! Take that, Saeran!” 

“Don’t jump the gun, Saeyoung. Who said I was here to save you?” she grinned, stepping over and linking arms with Saeran, whose confusion was slowly dissolving into triumph. A smug grin started to form on his face when he locked gazes with MC and she winked at him playfully. 

“Time for the Defender of Justice to meet his end,” Saeran chuckled darkly. “This pun war is over.” 

Saeyoung gave a weak gasp at that, and pretended to wipe a stray tear from the corner of his eye. “I guess I can’t pun away from this… Goodbye…”

Momo's 30 Day Challenge
  • Day 1: My Mom Bought Me This And I'm Obligated To Wear It
  • Day 2: No Shirt No Shoes No Service
  • Day 3: I Woke Up Like This
  • Day 4: Overdressed For A Child's Birthday Party
  • Day 5: Mean Green Fashion Machine
  • Day 6: Skin Tone Doesn't Match Face Tone
  • Day 7: Budget Halloween Costume
  • Day 8: I Should Have Won The Last Competition
  • Day 9: Terrible Pun
  • Day 10: I Wore Non-Waterproof Makeup In The Pool
  • Day 11: Waitress Who Gave Up On Her Dreams
  • Day 12: It Has Pockets!
  • Day 13: I'm Old. Get Off My Lawn.
  • Day 14: 私はあまりにも多くのアニメを見る
  • Day 15: First To Die In A Horror Movie
  • Day 16: It's 4AM And I Have Work At 6AM
  • Day 17: Trashion
  • Day 18: That Phase Everyone Said You'd Grow Out Of
  • Day 19: I Literally Died
  • Day 20: I Just Put On An Item From Every Category I Own
  • Day 21: I Haven't Left The House In A Week
  • Day 22: The AC Is On Too High
  • Day 23: People of Walmart
  • Day 24: Reoccurring School Nightmare
  • Day 25: Original Character. Do Not Steal.
  • Day 26: I Put On Pants For This?
  • Day 27: Grilled Fish
  • Day 28: This Concert Gave Me Hearing Loss
  • Day 29: I Wouldn't Make It Through Airport Security
  • Day 30: Last Place in a Beauty Contest