My favorite brittana/heya fics
Fanfiction feelings - kind of an open letter to all those authors that make me care too much

I have read a lot of fanfiction back in the day (that is back when Buffy was on TV), but got off of this addiction and thought for good. Since November it came crushing down on me. A friend of mine is reading a lot of stuff for over a year and shared some funny/weird/freaky bits and pieces, so I knew the crazyness was still on. But after the turmoil that was the Glee episode “Mash-Off” I started reading fanfiction myself again. I dived just right into it all and without even glancing at a rec list found myself some really great ones. From “Influence” and “Color” over to “Santana Lopez can, in fact, do anything” (I still owe you an answer leftlanden, I’m so sorry, but I’ll catch up soon and will spam you with my thoughts again, till now the only story with Faberry in it I care about). I spent last Christmas, yes every spare minute of Christmas, reading “Taking the long way” (and was part of that lovely chat session when it was finished shortly after, thanks again). I’m anxiously waiting what will happen on “The Girl next Door” next. I just now found the glory that is “I’ve Never Reached An Answer I’m Only Given Clues”. And so many, many more…

I have laughed and yes, I have cried. JJ just gifted us with “The only voices are me and you” and you just have to sob at least a bit. But see, I read that one and I knew where it was aiming at from the start and for all it’s inevitable doom I managed to stay calm, because that would be the perfect way to await an apocalypse (btw be sure to read “Aftermath” to take the edge of). But today… I broke down… There are so many stories out there that kept me reading for hours on end. Somehow fanfiction gets to me more than novels, I read until I reach the finish line, even if that will cost me sleep, reading a fanfiction with 100,000+ words? Come at me bro. Reading a novel half as long? I’ll take more breaks… It’s really hard to pick just one to call it the absolute favorite, but when it comes to Santana Lopez I really, really, really love the series so many readers now simply refer to as ECFC (“Eyes Closed to Fingers Crossed”) that started out with “Five Stages”. Her coming out, her senior year, the summer before college, starting college, love, friendships and messed up relationships of all sorts - it toyed with my emotions a lot, but ultimately the end with Part X with that hopeful title “The onset of a later stage” left me in a good place. But the series is back with a vengeance. Just reading the prologue to “Staking odds on bigger breaks”… I can’t anymore… I just cried like a baby. This should not be happening because of fictional characters! What happens to these characters isn’t even happening within their set universe. That is not fair. You can’t give me all these feelings without telling me what to do about it!

I start to watch TV shows and start to like characters. Then there are all these brilliant authors out there who take these characters and put them into new stories. Since I know where the characters are coming from, the FF author can jump right in, find a point within the given story and evolve. It’s a wonderful concept. It gives us the opportunity to play out dream scenarios. To give the characters what we as fans think they deserve or we pull them through an even bigger pile of emotional crap, so we can see their rise to glory. But why on earth do I start to care so much? I read “Harry Potter” and liked it, it kept me occupied for years. But in all seven installments there was only one scene that made me cry (in #7, need I say more?). I cared for the characters, I had a lot of feelings, but actual tears… rarely. I cry because of movies or tv shows (I watch “Grey’s Anatomy” for eight years now, I’d be made of stone to not cry from time to time), but with fanfiction it’s so much harder to shake off. It’s insane! And with ECFC Part XI I think I’ve reached my limit. Not even “Color” could do that to me, because I was better prepared. I had tears on my face a couple of days ago, because of the newest chapter of “Seeing Red” (this is a story not to be taken lightly and it is way beyond fanfiction from the get-go), but still… ECFC… I just can’t… and it’s not like I haven’t read something like this before. But when I left Santana, Rachel, Quinn, Brittany, Sam, Mike, the Berry men and everyone else, I was so happy for them. And one of the lines I loved most, the very last scene on the porch… it will now forever haunt me as the worst foreshadowing of greater tragedy ever.

Still, this is kinda the best experience of my life. Realizing that I do have all these feelings. I’ve seen my share of crap in real life, it’s not like I don’t have one of my own to worry about (it’s filled with way too many ill family members I think there isn’t any sort of cancer left my family hasn’t dealt with, turned down job applications and friends living all across the country now). Sometimes I feel numb, because everything that can go wrong goes wrong at the same time and I was in a bad place the last couple of years. Rediscovering fanfiction was a way to get some feelings back. How pathetic is that?

Please tell me I’m not completely crazy. And also a huge thank you to all the authors out there. Sometimes you keep me from having a life, when I decide to read rather than opening my messengers to chat with friends, then again you give me something to think about, to recommend and to share with others. Right now I just feel I’m in dire need of a support group.