• “ That was your mom/dad/brother/sister? ”
• “ Our central heating just died. In the middle of winter. Like a complete asshole. ”
• “ I respect your lifestyle, I really do, but why the hell are you making me eat this stuff? ”
• “ It’s your turn to take out the trash! ”
• “ Old Russian guy from downstairs says his heating is down too. He said it reminded him of his home. ”
• “ My boyfriend/girlfriend just dumped me. Today. On the same day tequila sorbet goes on sale. It must be a sign… ”
• “ Dressing your dog as a goldfish isn’t the same thing as actually HAVING a small fish for a pet. ”
• “ That was the landlord. He has confirmed that giving your dog the name "a small fish” still goes against the contract. “
• ” My mom is coming over in an hour. Do you want to explain to her how my/your shoe is stuck in the ceiling, or shall I? “
• ” Stop buying fancy food! We’re broke and short on the rent! A goddamn tiramisu isn’t gonna put a roof over our heads! “
• ” Welp. That was the last packet of ramen. “
• ” Your boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t happen to mention that he/she tried to seduce me last night, no? “
• ” God, you’re plastered. Nonono, the bathroom is that way, stop puking on the carpet– Excuse us, mom, I’m sorry– Dude, my gag reflexes are not what they used to be… “
• ” How the fuck did you mix up the fridge and the oven? More importantly, how the fuck did you mix up hot and cold?! “
• ” Dude, I can cut your hair. Quit tossing fifty bucks at the hot barber shop on Fifth, and take a leap of faith. “
• ” So. Um. I’m a little bit pregnant? And the father just left for New Zealand/Canada/the Navy. When do you want me out? “
• ” Can I crash here for the night? My ex is banging my roommate’s brains out and I don’t need it. “
• ” Remember that bowl of pot pourri in the bathroom? Yeah. I thought it was snacks. My breath smells like sandalwood and lime. “
• ” Why are you kicking me out?! “
• ” I’m making dinner tonight. My treat. You want ramen or toast? “
• ” You ass! You drank the last of the coffee?! “
• ” Why did you yell at my boyfriend/girlfriend? “
• ” You have literally no idea how crazy you drive me, in the best possible way! And that dick is using you for money! “
• ” Yeah, you heard me. I’m the one who spilt the sour cream over the wedding dress on the balcony downstairs. “
• ” You made salsa? “
• ” It’s supposed to be tomato soup. “
• ” I gotta run to work. Why don’t you come with? We’re hiring. “
• ” That was my professor… He’s sending me to Australia/Portugal for a year. “
• ” These past few days/weeks/months/years have been the absolute worst. Thank you for everything. “
• ” Come on, no tears, we haven’t even got onions in the apartment! “
• ” I think I’m falling for you. And I know it’s stupid, because he/she treats you so well, and you love each other. But I can’t escape it while I’m still here. I, uh, I have an apartment viewing in an hour. “
• ” You’re not just a roommate. You’re my best friend. “
💧— spoken in a sad voice. Your muse is feeling the same devastating loss we all felt when Vine was shut down. Either that or the sale on vodka ended before they could benefit from it.
💥— spoken in an angry voice. Your muse has most likely discovered who ate the last cookie, or has reached the inevitable stage of a messy break-up. Who knows? Maybe they’re just stressed by life.
🍻— spoken in a drunken slur. Your muse found an old bottle of tequila and forgot their limit. Maybe there was a sale on shots in the bar. Perhaps the loss of Vine was simply a subject that needed alcohol.
👍— spoken in a happy tone. Rent was paid, bills were paid, AND your muse had enough cash for a take-out. Life is sweet.
👥— spoken in a quiet secretive voice. Something is being said that should never leave the room. Until they get drunk and spill their secrets online. Social media, we salute you.