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Holt Talks Business During His Razzmatazz Class | Season 4 Ep. 21 | BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

amysartiago  asked:

pARTNERS IN CRIME AU PLS THE IRONY IM (peraltiago obviously)

This is for you and also @sergeant-santiago!! Feel free to send more of these!

11. partners-in-crime AU

“Faster, Peralta,” Amy hisses through clenched teeth. She can see the dark head bobbing through the crowd across the street, growing closer every second that her idiotic partner spends wedging the slim jim back and forth in the door. (“Like dancing,” he once told her, that idiotic grin plastered across his face as he wiggles his ass for her benefit. She had to clench every muscle in her body to keep from laughing out loud and blowing their cover.)

“I’m going as fast as I can, Santiago! You can’t rush art!”

“Why did I let you plan this again? We always get caught when you plan!”

“I have no idea why you let me plan anything!” Jake retorts happily at her over the top of the car. “We both know you’re the mastermind – you’re just using me for my beautiful body!”

“Jake.” Amy gives him her best high-school-English-teacher look, and for a second, he almost looks cowed. It doesn’t last, though. It never does.

“Okay, fine, you’re just using me for my beautiful hands. Better?”

Keep reading

  • Tracer: So, again, your alibi is a mysterious stranger handed you the gun, made you put your prints on it, destroyed the omnics, and then hid the gun in your underpants.
  • Sombra: Well, yeah, if you say it like that it don’t sound believable.
  • Tracer: Oh, hey Commander. Did you get me report on the Mondatta murder?
  • Commander Morrisson: Yeah, I looked it over. Nice work.
  • Tracer: Good. Thanks, Dad.
  • Tracer:
  • Tracer: Why is everyone staring at me?
  • Pharah: You just called Commander Morrisson “Dad”. You said “Thanks, Dad”.
  • Tracer: No, I didn’t. I said “Thanks, man”.
  • Commander Morrisson: Do you see me as a father figure, Oxton?
  • Tracer: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
  • Reinhardt: Hey! Show your father some respect!
  • Tracer: I didn't call him dad!
  • Commander Morrisson: No, no, Lena, I take it as a compliment.
  • McCree: It's not a big deal. I called Hanzo “Dad” once, and he's my fiance.
  • Tracer: Guys, jump on that! McCree has psychosexual issues!
  • Mercy: Old news! But you calling Commander Morrisson “Daddy”-
  • Tracer: Hey, “Daddy” is not on the table here.
  • Sombra: Well, you did call him Dad, chica.
  • Tracer: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
  • Sombra: Okay, I was lying about the omnics, but the dad thing? That happened.
  • Tracer: Ah-ha! She admitted the alibi was a lie! All part of my crazy, devious plan.